Title: Dethtogether - a Metalocalypse/Drawn Together fanfic
Fandoms: Metalocalypse/Drawn Together
Wordcount: Over 3400
Pairings: Too many to mention. Besides, that would ruin the surprises.
Warnings: Mature content, swearing, racism, homosexuality, crude humor, bad stuff.
Notes: White flash! means scene change. It's a gimmick used in Drawn Together.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters. I don't want to own them. Honestly this fic is sort of born from wank, but it sort of blossomed into something more. Also, some of the views shown in this fic do not reflect my own. This was me trying to remain in character. So please, don't yell at me. (Except for my thoughts on Dethklok yaoi. I showed you them.)
Dethtogether"Oh thank you Jew producer!" Princess Clara gushed, her hands clasped to her ample, creamy cleavage. "I would kiss you if you weren't such a stingy, nagging jew."
"An evening with Dethklok!" Squealed Xandir. "Oh, I have all their albums and bootlegs and DVDs and a piece of the second chair cellist in their charity concert!" he proudly proved that fact by holding up a dripping and rotting forearm, still clad in a tuxedo sleeve, fist clutching a broken horsehair bo. Flies buzzed around the graying skin and a worm wriggled it's way through a fingernail.
Wooldoor was just about to speak when the doorbell rang. The Producer answered it, only to be shoved aside as roadies forced their way into the house, carrying various instruments, amps and equipment. They were noisy and brutish, completely focused on their work, and when the dust cloud settled, there stood a brutal stage. It was six feet, six inches and six millimeters tall, and as black as L. Ron Hubbard's cold, greedy heart. It had twelve inch spikes crowning the outside, chains and torn curtains hanging from meat hooks from the scaffold.
It was very goth.
The house-mates let out a chorus of soft 'ohhhs!' in amazement.
With an extreme sudden blast of smoke, Dethklok took the stage, decked out in their rotting regalia. Nathan Explosion stood at the head of the band, microphone clenched tightly in his painted fist.
"House-mates, we hope you enjoy your evening with Dethklok," he growled. "Because it just might be the last evening you will ever have !"
A cacophony of power chords assaulted the ears of the audience, who wouldn't have it any other way. Xandir, who was wearing a Dethklok t-shirt (which he got from the souvenir stand Spanky had set up just inches away from the stage.), lifted his shirt to reveal the intimate message of "I love Skwisgaar" painted on his girly-man chest. The girls showed their own personal Gifts from God. The songs were so metal, they caused Wooldoor's head to pop and Toot slit her wrists, happily bleeding out.
It was the best day ever!
"Oh, what raw power your band has," Clara giggled, smiling a gleaming smile. "It speaks to me on a profound, almost feral level. You sing of such torment, of heartbreak, of the truth that only you know to be true and that no one understands...No one but me." she snuggled up to Nathan, admiring his rotund frame. "Me, and Hitler."
"Uhh...Wait, what?" Nathan gruffed.
"You don't need to keep up the farce," the princess coo'd. "I know it's all code for hailing the Master Race. Such a noble message."
"We're not...We're not a Nazi band." Nathan explained
"What is this dumb bitch talking about?" spat Murderface, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Never mind her," Captain Hero cut in, tapping Murderface on the shoulder. "I saw you down that keg on stage. How did you do that?"
"Well, yeah," Murderface grinned with false modesty. "Come on outside and I'll show ya. And bring a few kegs."
"Yes sir, Murderface sir!" Captain Hero said, zooming into the kitchen, then to the back yard, a keg under each muscled arm.
"Wait for me!" Shouted Toot Braunstein, a cry that was echoed by the drummer, Pickles.
Now the inside of the house was pretty quiet, Skwisgaar lounging on a couch and picking at his guitar, while Toki let out a joyful sound at the small animal resting on the television.
"Whats is this?" he asked, moving to stroke Ling-Ling's fur. "It's so soft! I think I wants one."
"That's just Ling-Ling." Foxxy answered.
"Ling-Ling! Ling-Ling I should take you home to Mordhaus! Would you likes that?"
"Dude, that is so not metal." muttered Nathan.
Meanwhile, Ling-Ling's scruff bristled and it growled. "(You challenge Ling-Ling?!? Threaten to take Ling-Ling from home?!! Ling-Ling will destroy...)" But the little creature became soothed to Toki's touch. "(ohhh...Mustache Man's hands are so soft...)"
Despite itself, Ling-Ling scurried into Toki's lap, curling up to sleep peacefully.
"Aww, look at Ling-Ling." Xandir said sweetly, before choosing to mimic the animal's actions and jumping into Skwisgaar's lap, his arms wrapping around the guitarist's neck. "Just how fast are you with your hands?" he asked suggestively, eyes lidding half way to give a sultry, bedroom look.
"Ugh." the blond Swede stood, knocking the elf off his lap. "I ams not gays." he said in his thick accent.
"Are you sure about that?" Spanky interjected. "Cuz, according to the internet, you are."
"What?" the present members of the band cried.
"Let me show you something." Spanky motioned for the band to follow him, and he lead them to a computer.
"Welcome to the internet," said the pig as he brought up various horrible websites dedicated to Very Wrong Things. "Where everyday, civilized people use anonymity as an excuse to ruin your faith in humanity. Take for example: Rule 34." His hooves flew deftly over they key bored and he pulled up a very inappropriate image of Murderface and Dr. Rockso, the Rock & Roll Clown. "If it exists, there is porn of it. No question."
A collective shudder was felt throughout the room.
"Hey guys, whatcha lookin' at?" Murderface asked, peeking at the screen. "What? What is that riff bullriff riff?! Who in their Riff Riff mind would ever Riff piss Riff Riff Riff ice cream?!"
"Calm down, Murderface." Nathan said, placing a hand on the bassist's shoulder. "It's just a drawing."
"Yeah," laughed the pig. "And there's plenty more where that came from!" Again, his cloven hooves moved over the keys and the crowd was taken to another page. "Behold...the artwork of...Hallokatzchen!"
Skwisgaar forcefully recoiled at the strangely proportioned image featuring himself domineering over Toki, six blue stars inked onto his bony pelvis, the name "Toki" displayed on his fingers in elaborate writing.
"I don't's got's tattoos likes that's!!" he said, alarmed. "And I hates Toki. Toki should's die! This is dildos!"
The tall guitar player turned, stalking out of the house and past the drink-off on the lawn. Kicking off his boots, he dipped his toes into the pool's hot tub and began picking at his guitar, irritably.
"Aww, c'mon now sugar," purred the fox tailed woman, now changed into a very skimpy, clingy thong swimsuit. She sat on the edge of the tub next to Skwisgaar and leaned against him. "It was just some girls wet-dream."
"Foxxy's right," said Clara, sitting on the other side of Skwisgaar. "We know you're not gay." She placed her hand on his thigh, and Foxxy did the same, only to be shrugged off by him.
"Goes away's." Skwisgaar demanded. "You's broads needs sandee-wiches."
Rebuffed, the girls left Skwisgaar to his brooding by diving into the pool.
"I can't believe he turned us down." Clara hissed from the deep end, giving a terrible glare at the object of her ire. "The nerve of some people. Maybe he's really gay after all."
A short, portly shadow fell over Skwisgaar. "Hey man," began Spanky. "That reaction to the porn was awesome! I never saw so much hate over a drawing!"
"Shut up's. I'm not gay's."
"I didn't say that you were." Spanky sighed. "Look, here in America, we have something called free speech, and freedom of expression. It's a beautiful thing. That's what lets South Park make fun of Tom Cruise, and Anti-abortionists bomb clinics. But it's also something to hate. Freedom of expression lets people create disgusting things, like Furry porn and the movie Gigli."
"And the Dutch?" asked Skwisgaar.
"Exactly like the Dutch." Spanky said, tenderly.
Back inside the house, Wooldoor bounded up to Toki. "Hey, who are you?"
Toki pressed his finger to his lips. "Shh. The's little creatures is sleeping." He said, moving Ling-Ling onto the chair, Toki standing. Ling-Ling nuzzled in the warm seat.
"Now lookit you's!" exclaimed Toki, arms out-stretched like a happy child. "You's so funny! Like a cartoon! Do something funny, cartoon!"
"Okay!" Wooldoor said enthusiastically, reaching behind himself to open his butt. Rummaging around, he soon produced a small car. Closing his butt, he clambered into the little matchbox Volkswagen bug and began to drive around. The horn let out the cutest little beep-beep imaginable, and Toki was laughing and clapping like a child.
The car sped into the fireplace and burst into flames, Wooldoor running out, flames eating at him. He pulled out a seltzer bottle and sprayed himself free of the fire.
"That's was amazing!" Squealed Toki, pulling Wooldoor onto the couch with him. "We should takes you on tour with us!"
"Oh yes," murmured the strange yellow creature. "Take me, Toki. We'll go...together..."
Toki blinked as Wooldoor's hand somehow snaked under his shirt and was rubbing at his toned chest, he squeaked as the cartoon tweaked a nipple. "Wooldoor?"
Their intimate situation was interrupted when they noticed shouting from the lawn. Rising, the pair rushed outside to see what the matter was.
The drink-off had gone sour, and now Captain Hero was angry and obnoxious, getting into Nathan's face.
"How do I know yer not a shuper villain?" Captain Hero slurred, jabbing Nathan's chest with a finger repeatedly. "Yer namesh 'exshploshon!'"
"I'm not a super villain." Nathan insisted.
"That's right!" Clara agreed, backing Nathan up. "He's a nazi."
"I'm not a nazi!" he roared.
"A nashi shuper villain?!" Captain Hero cried, alarmed and sussed. He pulled back an arm to punch Nathan, but Nathan, being completely metal, caught the super hero's fist, and punched him in return, an act which somehow managed to kill Captain Hero.
"Uh... Jeeze, I'm sorry about killing Captain Hero, guys."
"Yeah," said Pickles. "Even though he was a riff douchebag."
"True." Nathan nodded.
"Well, I guess that means the drinking contest is over." Toot announced shrilly, tossing away her beer hat and making her way to the pool.
As she stepped onto the diving board, she caught Skwisgaar's eye. The bulk with which she moved, her age lines carved into her body, the veins mapping utopic locations under the rolling hills of her fatty skin. He grew warm and in an instant, Skwisgaar was next to her.
"Hellos." he purred at Toot.
Toot looked back to see Skwisgaar sitting on the diving board. "Hi."
"You's are what I calls an FBL. You's want's to come to my room to riff my riff riff with riff?"
"DO I?!?" Without a moments hesitation, Toot jumped into the arms of the blond Swede and the two went back into the house. She waved to Clara and Foxxy from over Skwisgaar's shoulder. "See ya later, WHORES!!"
Clara let out an indignant, princess-y squeak. "What? I can't believe he chose Toot over us!" She stomped her delicate, slippered foot.
Foxxy shrugged. "He wasn't gay, he was just perverted. Ah well, no loss, there's plenty of guys to choose from here, Princess." Just as Foxxy finished that sentence, Nathan passed by, pausing at the feet of the women to vomit blood.
"Except that one."
"Eeeww..." Clara wrinkled her perfect little nose and returned to her room.
Sitting at her vanity, she could hear Skwisgaar and Toot's fun through the walls. Actually, Clara could hear Skwisgaar's sounds of pleasure while Toot ordered him around and berated him. The whole thing made Clara sigh, in longing.
"Oh, not-magical-in-the-slightest-vanity, when am I going to find my true love?"
Of course, not being magical in the slightest, the vanity did not answer her. Though a soft music began to filter through the air in her room. Clara rose gracefully, and twirled across her room to look out the window. She inhaled, her bosoms heaving with the effort, and she let out her clear, sweet voice for all to hear.
I've spent all my life waiting
waiting for someone to
hold me close
and whisper "I love you."
Yet it seems that I am doomed
to be eternally pure.
Though I long
for the cream of Mien Furrer.
The music swelled as the camera panned from Clara's window out across the lawn, where it rested on Toki, watching with unease the shenanigans that the group was getting into. Once again, he pushed Wooldoor's hand from his butt.
"No Wooldoor." Toki said. "I don't like it when you touch me like that."
"Fine!" Wooldoor shouted. "No one will ever make you feel the way I could! NO ONE!" And with that, Wooldoor ran, crying.
Toki sighed and began walking the grounds of the Drawn Together house.
Maybe the little yellow freaks was right?
I've never known love
But I want someone kind
And who will stays around for more than one night.
Do such goils exist?
Experience would tell me no.
They're all sluts and whores
and skanks and cunts and...what's this?
Focusing his ears, Toki could hear Clara's sweet voice, which he ran to.
Clara could see Toki running towards her and her breath caught excitedly in her throat. Could it be? Her prince charming was coming for her?
What's this? Could it be?
Is that dangerous man coming for me?
What will I do? What will I say?
Now that he's here to take me away?
Hurriedly, Clara began to descend the long spiral staircase that led from her room to the rest of the house.
Toki reached the house, and kicked down the door, rushing inside. He found the spiral staircase and began to ascend it. As he climbed, he sang.
She has such a pretty's face!
Such pretty eyes
Now I know that not all women are lies!
Clara echoed Toki's song.
I know the truth now
True love is real
I've finally found
The feeling I've longed to feel!
The two met each other halfway and clasped hands, gazing into each other's eyes. Clara was smiling a breathtaking smile and Toki was blushing ever so boyishly.
"Hi. I'm umm...Toki Wartooth." He introduced himself shyly.
"I'm Princess Clara. Hm...Queen Clara Wartooth. I like it."
"Yeah's." Toki said. "So, should we goes back up to your's room?"
"Oh, Toki!" Clara moaned, gripping the front of his tight black shirt. "Take me now, right here on this staircase!"
"That's Riff metal!" Toki exclaimed as he began to hike Clara's skirt up. Moments later, Toki was screaming, but not in pleasure. A tentacled beast had sprout from between the Princess' legs. It bit at Toki, wrapping it's tendrils around his arms and legs, before consuming him whole.
"Bad Octopussoir! Bad!" Clara scolded the monster. It retreated back under her skirt, whining like a berated puppy.
"So," purred Foxxy, tracing one of Pickles' eyebrows. "I love the piercings." she cooed. "Nice change from your Snakes & Barrels days."
"yeah, well, y'know. Heh." stuttered the drummer. "God, that was so long ago. So how is little Ray-Ray?"
"Oh you know...missin' his daddy. He's got a son of his own now, called Ray-Ray. They both have your hair."
"Yeah we were both really busy back then. I was tourin' you know and I didn't have time to raise a kid." Pickles said.
"Aww, Sugar, Foxxy ain't upset with y'all. After all, the Foxxy Five were just there to protect your band from that ca-raaazy rabid fan. An' we unmasked him in the end." Foxxy whooped, remembering the good old days. "An' besides," she said, wrapping Pickles in her legs. "There ain't no reason we can't catch up."
Pickles just grinned lecherously. "You still got that lightsaber?"
Back in the house, Murderface had returned to the internet. He was staring at the pornographic image of he and Dr. Rockso, just meditating on it. It was very well drawn, there was no denying that. But it was wrong. It was against everything Murderface was.
"Aw, sweety." Xandir said with compassion. "Don't beat yourself up about it."
"Well what if they're right?" asked Murderface. "What if I am gay?"
Xandir tisked. "Come with me," said the elf. "I'll show you how gay you really are."
"I mean I've never had gay sex, not that I remember anyway." Said Murderface.
"Do you think about it?" Asked Xandir, pouring more tea into Murderface's teacup.
"Thank you. No, It's all about girls for me. I mean, I like girls, that's just how it is."
"Then why were you so focused on the picture?" Xandir continued, dropping a cube of sugar into his own tea, then a dollop of cream.
"I guess I was just, I don't know. I mean, maybe I did feel something when Rockso put his hand in my pants."
"But did you enjoy it?"
Murderface's initial reaction was to deny it, but instead, he really thought about it. After a long moment of reflection, the burly musician took a sip of tea and patted his mustache dry with a lacy napkin. "No."
"Then you're not gay!" Xandir concluded happily. "And there's nothing wrong with that!"
"Really?" asked Murderface.
"Gee, thanks Xandir! I'm glad you could show me how gay I wasn't."
"Yeah, happy to-...wait, what?!"
Skwisgaar came down the stairs, buckling his belt and strutting like a king rooster. Toot descended a few steps behind him. Clara caught up with her house-mate and flitted like a silly teenager. "So, how was he?"
"Ehh.." muttered Toot. "He just lied there while I did all the work. Boooooring!"
"Skwisgaar!" called Spanky, walking over to the man. "You gave me a lot to think about. I never realized how much I hate the Dutch."
"The Dutch are dildos." Skwisgaar agreed without a moment hesitation.
"Dildos indeed." nodded Spanky.
"You're going to play an encore, right?" Wooldoor asked Nathan.
"We can't. Not without Toki or...where is Toki?" Nathan suddenly wondered.
"Thats what he does." Wooldoor muttered. "Cuts and runs."
Nathan just gave a confused look.
Meanwhile, the main room began to fill with the remaining house-mates and band members.
"Pllleaaaase Mister Nazi? Just one final song?" Begged Clara. "I'll dance for you."
"No." Said Nathan.
"Jeeze, this bitch doesn't shut up, does she?" Murderface exclaimed.
"Oh, you will give me what I want." assured Clara ominously. "I swear it." With a sudden movement, she thrust her fist out, pointing at Nathan Explosion. "Ling-Ling! Attack!"
Ling-Ling, hearing the challenge, and his attack song, leaped from the comfy spot where Toki left him, and launched itself towards Nathan.
"What the riff?!" Murderface yelled, trying to intercept the little creature. That resulted in his disembowelment.
Thinking fast, Nathan began to bellow out the first thing that came to his mind. If it was a monster fight Ling-Ling wanted, he would get it.
With rapidly barked and growled words, Nathan harnessed the power to summon a terrible thing: MustaKrakish.
The colossal troll lumbered to the Drawn Together house and with a roar, it ripped the roof from the house, it's huge claws scooping up whoever it could, before tossing them down it's massive gullet.
Pickles and Foxxy were tangled in a sexual embrace as they were devoured together. Toot was subsequently stepped on, becoming a greasy smear on the bottom of MustaKrakish's foot. Nathan was swatted with a huge backhand, flying across the state. The filming crew were urinated upon, the result were electric shocks from their equipment.
MurderFace and Xandir were each picked up and collided against each other in homo erotic ways. MustaKrakish slurped up Clara Octopussoir first, like spaghetti.
When the dust settled, only Ling-Ling remained, smiling up at MustaKrakish, who grinned back. Ling-Ling scurried up MustaKrakish, coming to a rest on the beast's shoulder.
Together, they pranced off into a land of daisies, a rainbow arching over them in welcome, and the sun smiling down upon their friendship.