Alrighty part 3 up and running. Keep sending the reviews pretty please, and I'll keep a-writin'.
Disclaimer: I have no money, so don't come suing at my door. All credit goes to Chris Carter, a genius man, and to Fox, an evil corporation.
My mother's voice is echoing through my head.
"Dana, one of the biggest sins a human is able to commit is suicide. Not just to God, but to yourself. If you ever feel so desperate that you feel like taking your own life, know that God is there to help you. And so am I."
At the time, when I was fifteen years old, I had thought it incomprehensible that anyone would ever want to commit suicide.
But now there's a void in me. A deep, black, ice-cold whirlpool that is sucking all of my innards down into nothingness. No, I'm not being overly dramatic, I'm just... god, the pain... the...
Mulder doesn't love me. It's clear now. It's so--.....
...The whirlpool is sucking all of my innards down into nothingness. And the tearing, the ripping, the pain is unimaginable. It's more than any human being can bear.
I can... make it go away... I can...
Mulder, I love you. I love you so much. But this situation is my own fault. And it's time to reap the consequences.
..... I stand there with the gun to my head for an eternity. My finger is tense against the trigger. I'm close. I'm so close. But...
Every time I'm about to do it, I think of Mulder. I think that no, Mulder doesn't love me. But I will make him sad if I die. I know that he cares about me to some extent. I do know that for certain. And if I die, I will just inconvenience him more, when I'm really trying to help him. And me.
No. No, I'm not going to back out of this! That's the coward's way. Come on Dana, you allowed yourself to get into this, now it's time to get yourself out. My finger tightens on the trigger. Come on come on come on come on come on come on...........
It comes out of my mouth naturally, a natural reaction, no brain activity involved.
My beautiful, beloved Dana Scully whirls around, still with that fucking gun held against her temple. I have a vision of what would happen if she pulls that trigger; her beautiful face marred beyond recognition, her fiery hair stained with crimson blood, and the wall splattered with her amazing mind. It's so vivid that for a split second I think I'm actually seeing it, but then I realize that no, she's still alive and whole, I've still got time and I race forward to knock the gun from her hand but-
I turn rapidly to face Mulder as I hear his voice. Maybe this is why I held out. To see him one more time. But it's too late, Mulder, it's just too late.
He rushes toward me but I automatically take a step back. I'm crying again. "MULDER BACK OFF!" I scream.
He stops short. His face is twisted in pain. "Scully, please, please don't..." he whispers. His arms are held stiffly by his sides; he looks like he's fighting to not reach out and grab the gun from me.
Oh God. Oh sweet merciful Jesus in heaven. How can I be thinking of doing this? Of course. Of course I'd be hurting Mulder.
I want to end it so badly. But now I know that I can't. Mulder and I are partners, however different that might mean to us. I can't break that.
The gun slips out of my hand. It seems to fall in slow motion, bouncing slightly as it hits the carpet.
And then I collapse on the carpet next to it.
And for the third time this night, Mulder is holding me in his arms.
She did it. She did it. She did it. She dropped the gun.
Again, I go and pull her into an embrace without even thinking about it. How can I not? I hold her tightly against me, rubbing her back as she cries, great, big shuddering sobs that have almost an animalistic howl to them.
I wait for the sobs to quiet down slightly. I'm going to tell her that I love her again, and this time, she's going to hear it.
Whether I'm just a coward or whether this is the right thing, I know now there's no way I could commit suicide. Mulder's embrace keeps me anchored to all things good in life. I just lie there in his arms, up against his chest, taking what I can from him.
"Scully..." His ragged whisper interrupts my thoughts. I lie still. I cannot speak. Not yet. "Scully, are you listening to me?"
I nod slightly.
His hand begins to smooth down my hair, and it's wonderful. Nothing has ever felt so wonderful. Then I feel the brush of his lips against my temple, the place where I was so recently... pressing a gun against my head. God, it seems a world away from where I am now. Nothing has ever felt so wonderful as his lips against my forehead.
"Scully, look at me." His voice caresses my ear gently. But I can't look at him. Not yet.
He runs his fingers through my hair, and tells me to look at him again. No, no I'm not ready. But I can't resist his voice. I can't resist him anything.
I turn my head slightly, so that my eyes are looking up into his.
Finally, she looks at me. And I know that she will be able to hear what I have to say. So I tell her. I tell her that I love her, that I am in love with her.
But her facial expression remains the same. I... why isn't she...
She closes her eyes. I don't understand.
She opens them again. There's a fierce fire blazing in them. Good. Fire is better than nothing, and nothing was what was filling them before. "Don't tell me if it's just to stop me from killing myself," she hisses.
No no no. Don't- just don't Scully. Don't you dare think that. "Scully, you know that's not true. You-" I snort frustratedly, and then plant my lips firmly on hers.
She makes a surprised gasp at that. I bruise her lips with mine, tugging on her lower lip slightly with my teeth, nipping her upper lip. Maybe she's not in the mood for listening, maybe she's in the mood for showing. But I will show her.
She's less stiff now, she's melting under me. I wrap my arms tighter around her and continue to kiss her.