TITLE: This is Torchwood

AUTHOR: Erin Giles

RATING: G (for the kiddies)

DISCLAIMER: I owe nothing apart from my warped mind!

SUMMARY: Oh dear, Ianto's lost his best friend Jack. It's ok Ianto, we'll help you look for Jack, won't we children?

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is complete and utter crack!fic and nothing else! I apologise for this, but it was inspired by maestro's version of this in the Boosh fandom!

This is Torchwood.

Torchwood is a top secret organisation, above the police, outside the government, beyond the united nations.

This is Ianto Jones.

Ianto likes to make coffee. Hello Ianto!

Oh dear, Ianto doesn't seem to want to talk to us, because we're not supposed to know about Torchwood.

Sorry Ianto.

That's not why you're sad Ianto?

Oh dear, Ianto's lost his best friend Jack.

It's ok Ianto, we'll help you look for Jack, won't we children?

Where shall we try first? Shall we look in Jack's office?

You've already looked in there? Well maybe we can look again, an extra pair of eyes could help.

Well we're going to look anyway Ianto.

Is Jack in his office?


His coat's still here though, so that must be a good – Ianto, what are you doing?

No I don't think sniffing Jack's coat will help us find him, because you're not a sniffer dog.

No I don't want to know what Jack's coat smells of thank you very much.

Is Jack hiding down his hole?


And Ianto I didn't mean that as an euphuism so you can stop giggling now.

Shall we check in the autopsy room?

Someone's making a loud banging noise in there, is it Jack?


This is Owen Harper!

Hello Owen! Yes Owen, we know you're a doctor.

Yes, we also know you're better at bouncing on the bed than Jack.

That's not a very nice thing to call Ianto, Owen. Don't you think you should apologise?

Maybe we should leave Owen to playing doctor on his own.

You wouldn't mind playing doctor, Ianto?

Well maybe we can play with Jack when we find him.

Where shall we try next? Ianto?

Oh dear, we seem to have lost Ianto now as well children.

Oh wait, there he is in the hot house, hiding behind a plant pot.

What are you doing Ianto?

Hiding from us? Why would you want to do that?

Who's this you've found?

This is Gwen Cooper.

Gwen used to be a police constable. Hello Gwen!

Gwen looks sad. Why are you sad Gwen?

Did you have a fight with Rhys again? Oh dear.

Was it about work? Well maybe that would be best.

But you love Jack? I don't think Jack loves you though.

Oh dear, Gwen seems to have remembered she left the iron on.

You suddenly look very happy again Ianto, do you know where Jack is now?

No? You just remembered something funny you read on the back of your cereal packet this morning?

Ok, shall we try in the boardroom next?

Is Jack hiding in here?


But look, we've found someone else!

This is Toshiko Sato!

Toshiko is a computer genius. Hello Tosh!

Not now? You're busy? Shall we come back later th-

I think Tosh needs some peace and quiet now children

Come on Ianto, I don't think Jack is hiding under the conference table.

Where did you find that sock Ianto?

You lost it last night when you were playing hide and seek with Jack?

We'll you're not very good if you can't find Jack this morning are you?

You didn't know you were still playing? Oh dear.

Ianto seems to have had a thought. Wait up, Ianto!

This is Janet!

Janet is a weevil! Hello Janet!

Have you found him Ianto?

Well maybe Janet ate him.

We're just trying to be helpful Ianto. Janet still looks hungry though, so maybe she hasn't eaten him.

Maybe Jack's gone to see Myfanwy?

Jack and Myfanwy don't get on?

Well maybe Myfanwy's eaten him.

I don't think it's a silly suggestion, and no I do not have an oral fixation.

Where are you going now Ianto?

Come on children, we better make sure he doesn't get into trouble.

Where else is there left to look Ianto?

You mean you forgot to check under the bed?

Is he down there Ianto?

Well done, we've found him!

Hello Jack!

Oh dear, Ianto seems to be too happy to see Jack again to let him talk to us.

Why are you taking you're socks off again Ianto after you've only just found them?

Are we having a pyjama party?

You don't own pyjama's Jack? Oh dear, well that could be a bit of a problem then.

Ianto I think it's you that's got the oral fixation.



I think Ianto's just a little excited about winning the game of hide and seek.


Maybe we should…

Come on children, I think we should leave Ianto and Jack to practice bouncing on Jack's bed so they can beat Owen.

Say Goodbye children.

Goodbye Ianto!

Goodbye Jack!