Rose settled down on the couch in the den and clicked on the TV. She went through the channels until she found a chat show and then slumped down in the soft, comfortable couch to watch. She picked up a bowl of crisps and began to munch on them while she listened to some purple-skinned woman from Halitosis Minor griping to the host, a huge, turtle woman, about her love life. The Doctor got channels from all over the universe, and it was interesting to watch some of the shows from other planets on occasion. The more she watched them, the more she realized how much in common Earth had with other planets.
"So," the turtle woman was saying. "What you are saying, Meepzot, is your lifemate, Bangalore, hasn't provided you with a sperm sac in nearly three sun cycles?"
The woman wept.
"That's right, Juju, my lifemate has been unfaithful to me. He's been giving his sperm sac to his secretary, Ulizon."
"Who is, of course, a Frazzle?"
Rose munched on a crisp. She didn't understand what the hell they were talking about, but it was entertaining to watch.
"And you suspect that Ulizon might now be carrying your lifemate's offspring in her throat?" Juju asked.
"Yes, they are due to come out of her throat any day now!" Meepzot said, weeping.
"Well, then, let's bring Ulizon out here to explain herself! Here is Ulizon!"
The audience booed, as a woman with shiny, blue skin, a bird beak, and a bulging throat came out and made her way to the stage. Meepzot let out an enraged scream and leapt out of her chair towards her.
"YOU ROLIOS, I WILL KILL YOU FOR TAKING MY LIFEMATE'S SPERM SAC!" she screamed at her.
Rose munched on another crisp, her eyes glued to the screen. She watched, as the two aliens scuffled with each other, while several huge, beetle security guards tried to separate them.
"BANGALORE IS MY LIFEMATE! HE PROCREATES ONLY WITH ME!" Meepzot was screaming at her. "YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO TAKE HIS SPERM SAC!"
Rose gasped when she suddenly heard the Doctor's screams over the catfight on the telly.
"Doctor!" Rose said, leaping from the couch.
Crisps spilled out all over the floor, as she rushed to help the Doctor.
"I'm coming, Doctor!" Rose screamed, as she ran towards the console room.
She reached the console room and saw the Doctor standing by the console screaming his lungs out. Rose looked all around for the source of the trouble, but she couldn't see any.
"Doctor!" she screamed, running up to him.
"Oh, there you are," the Doctor said, silencing his screams when he noticed her.
Rose looked all around her.
"What? What is it? What's going on?"
"Nothing," the Doctor said.
Rose stared at him.
"Nothing? Nothing is happening?"
"Nope, nothing at all."
"Then…why were you screaming like a bleedin' banshee?"
"Because, Rose, I wanted you to come to the console room, pronto," the Doctor replied. "I don't have the time, nor the inclination to go hunting all over the TARDIS for you, and if I called for you using your name, A, you would probably be listening to your IPod and wouldn't hear me and B, you would take your sweet time getting to me. Screaming like a banshee, as you put it, guarantees you will hear me and get to me in a prompt and timely manner."
"Okay, so why did I need to get here in a prompt and timely manner then?"
"I'm bored stiff, Rose, I need you to entertain me."
Rose gave him a long, hard look.
"Yes, I'm bored, and I don't want to do all my usual diversions, so I thought you might be able to provide me with some cheap entertainment. That is one of your roles as my companion, you know."
"No, I didn't know."
"Well, it is, there are three main functions you have on board this TARDIS. You are my traveling companion, hand holder, and source of amusement. These functions were laid out in the companion manual you received when you first started to travel with me."
"I never received any bloody manual."
The Doctor frowned.
"Did you watch the training film?"
"Did I give you the tour?"
"Blimey, I was awfully remiss, wasn't I," he muttered. "Well, did you at least receive your complementary companion coffee cup, and balloon?"
"Wow, I didn't even give you the coffee cup and balloon, my mind really must be going," he said. "Well, tell you what, you sit here and watch the training film while I go find a game for us to play or something. I realize it comes almost two years too late, but better late than never. So, you just sit here and watch, and I'll be back after I rustle up a game of some sort."
He punched in a command, and a little movie started on his monitor. He pointed it out to Rose and walked off, whistling, while Rose watched. She saw the Doctor standing in the console room in front of a blackboard.
"Welcome, companion, to my TARDIS," the Doctor said cheerfully. "It's nice to have you aboard. First off, let me thank you for saving my life in some form or fashion since that is the reason you have probably been selected to travel with yours truly. Good job rescuing me from the Daleks, or Cybermen, or Sontarans, or Omega, or the Rani, or the Master, or the Mara, or…"
The words, INSERT OTHER VILLAIN OR MONSTER'S NAME HERE, flashed on the screen for a moment. Once the words went off the screen, the Doctor cleared his throat and turned to the blackboard.
"Now, a few basics. This is the…"
He wrote on the blackboard as he talked.
"T…A…R…D…I…S. TARDIS. Stands for…Time…and…Relative…Dimension…in…Space. It is a…time…machine."
He stopped writing and looked back at the camera.
"Now, I'm sure you didn't realize that time travel was even possible. Or…maybe you did…after all, you are probably most likely human and not likely to believe in that sort of thing, but on the other hand, you could just as likely be a Trakkenite or an Alzarian or a Gallifreyan or a Trion or a Kikipoopi, or a Janglang or a…"
The Doctor made a bunch of clicking and buzzing noises.
"…or a great, big, gelatinous blob of goo. And if you are a big, blob of goo, well done, since I really can't imagine how you saved me without any arms and legs, but if you did, then you are special like all my other companions."
The Doctor turned back to the board, wrote the word, 'special' on it, and turned back.
"Yes, that's right, you, loyal companion…or companions, if there are more than one of you, are special. That is why you have been chosen to travel with me…"
He wrote the words, the Doctor, just the Doctor, on the board and turned back around.
"That's right, I am the Doctor, just…the Doctor, no calling me cutesy nicknames or pet names, that is right out!"
He turned, wrote the word, Professor, on the board, and then violently scribbled it out. He turned back around.
"And no variations on my name either, like Doc, Doccy-poo, Doctor-doodle-doo, or whatever your mind comes up with. I am called the Doctor, and I will answer only to that. Occasionally, when I'm in the mood, I will answer to Mister Brilliant Alien Man, but other than that, nicknames are right out!"
Rose rolled her eyes.
"Now, a few ground rules. Number one…NO WANDERING OFF! You got that? I hate wandering off because then I have to go find you and possibly rescue you, which takes me away from the problem I had been concentrating on up until that moment. When I say stay put, you will stay put! I do not have a stuttering problem, and I'm pretty sure you can understand me perfectly, so get it through your skull! Do not wander off if I tell you not to do so!"
Rose flipped off the monitor.
"Number two…I will not tolerate betrayal! The only time I will excuse betrayal is if you are being controlled by some other being, but other than that, you will not double-cross me in any way, shape, or form. If I find you doing something along the lines of installing a door in your head that allows you to steal vital information from the future for your own uses, which allows the villain to read your brain and find out everything about me, I guarantee you will live to regret it. I am the Oncoming Storm and I will not be made a fool of! I brought you on board my ship because I trusted you implicitly. So, don't you dare make a mockery of my judgment, because if you do, there will be severe ass kicking up and down the TARDIS corridors, and believe me, there are many, many corridors in here!"
"Gee, Doctor, I wonder who you had in mind when you were thinking of betrayal then?" she muttered.
"Number Three…You are allowed to go anywhere in this ship…EXCEPT THE ATTIC! You are not to go up in the attic under any circumstances. There are nasty, horrible things in the attic that will drive you insane if you even so much as glance at them, not to mention I haven't cleaned it in centuries, and I'm sure there are dust bunnies the size of beemers up there. So, no going up into the attic!"
"Well gee, Doctor, I didn't want to go up there until you said something, but now…"
"Number Four…you, as a companion, have basic duties that must be carried out in exchange for room, board, and the privilege of traveling with moi. First off, your main duty is to travel with me and support me. I am the leader here, and you are the follower. You will not upstage me, usurp me, or cause me embarrassment. Any brilliant idea you have automatically becomes my idea that I thought of first, and if there is trouble, you are expected to scream out, I WILL SAVE YOU, DOCTOR, and sacrifice yourself for me. I expect unquestioning loyalty from you. You will be expected to withstand torture and not blurt out vital information the moment someone touches a feather to your big toe. In addition to being my sounding board and all-purpose body shield, you will be expected to tidy up after yourself. I run a ship-shape ship, and I don't like to run in the door and fall flat on my face after tripping over your misplaced roller skate. If I find myself in a situation such as the one I just described, you will find yourself in A and E explaining to the surgeons why they have to surgically remove a roller skate from your anus. Number Five…last, but not least, you are expecting to provide me with hours of cheap amusement. I do not have any money on my person, which means most of the time I must amuse myself, but even someone as brilliant as me runs out of ways to have fun, which is where you come in. You will function as a sort of TARDIS court jester who will make me laugh, in return for that room and board I mentioned earlier. I not only bring you lot on for companionship, I also bring you on for a few giggles, and if I do not giggle, you will not eat. So, keep that in mind, because one day, out of the blue, I may scream for you to come and entertain me."
He sighed and put his hands behind his back.
"And that, faithful companion, is the basics. I, of course, will fill you in on other things when I see the need to do so, but for the moment, your function is to travel with me, sacrifice yourself for my safety, and make me laugh. Do these three things and we'll get along just fine. Once again, I welcome you to the wonderful world of time travel. I hope you stay awhile and please, don't get killed…especially not in the TARDIS because it makes a bit of a mess that I'll have to clean up. But, anyway, good luck and good traveling!"
The screen faded to black, and Rose saw a little animated TARDIS traveling around it.
"This has been a production of TARDIS training films limited," she heard the Doctor say in a deep voice, as the TARDIS continued to spin around the screen.
The screen faded to black again, and the movie ended.
Rose looked around at the Doctor who was standing behind her holding a chess set in his hands.
"How long ago did you make this so-called training film, because that was you talking in it."
"Oh, I make a new one every regeneration," the Doctor said, walking up beside her. "It looks weird, if I'm playing the training film and one of my old lives is talking. It's too confusing. Plus, it allows me to update old information."
"You don't really expect me to believe that was real," Rose said.
The Doctor stared at her in disbelief.
"Well, of course it was real! What do you take me for, some bored git who just makes up films to show to his companion for shits and giggles? Don't be absurd. Everything I tell you is important, except for the stuff that isn't. Now, come play chess with me."
Rose sighed and stood up. She followed the Doctor, as he walked out of the console room.
"So, what is in the attic, then?"
The Doctor jerked his head around.
"Nothing that concerns you! Didn't you hear me warn you not to go up there?"
"Yeah, and I didn't give a damn about it until you said not to go up there. Now I'm curious! What's up there?"
"Nothing! There is nothing up there," the Doctor said stopping and looking at her. "So, don't go up there, or you will live to regret it!"
"Well, in future, leave that out of your training film because now I'm curious about what's in it. You just defeated your own rule about not going up there by mentioning it."
"Well, that's because you are a trouble magnet. You'd stick your head in a cannon, if you thought something was inside."
The Doctor looked around and saw Rose giving him a look of death.
"I'm a what, now?" she said, folding her arms over her chest.
"A trouble magnet?"
Rose eyed him.
"Well, you have to admit you do get into trouble a lot."
"And you don't, huh?"
"Weeell, when I get into trouble, it's more me stumbling into it. I don't deliberately go out and find some like you…do."
He gulped when Rose's eyes narrowed.
"Course, I could be generalizing a bit, cause I'm sure you don't always go looking for trouble, and I guess sometimes I do go looking for trouble a wee bit, so I guess it's wrong to assume that you deliberately want to go get yourself killed and…"
He grunted when Rose grabbed the chess set out of his hands and smacked him on the head with it.
"I'll be in the den looking for trouble," she said, walking off. "You go ahead and play chess with the TARDIS; maybe she can be your court jester for awhile!"
The Doctor sighed while he watched Rose walk back towards the den.
"Geez, woman has no sense of humor." He muttered to himself, as he reached down to pick up the chess set.