By putting down your words in ink,
You're letting me know just what you think.
So jot down a short note for me,
Or else you'll get a visit from a yeti.
Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight
I was furious. I was livid. I was every word that described a state of aggravation so acute that it would make a normally peaceful person want to just kick the crap out of something . . . anything. I pulled over to the side of the road knowing I was too angry to drive. Slamming the door shut I stormed down the sidewalk, hands shoved in my pockets, as my mind mulled over everything that had just happened.
I was still processing the information I had gathered from our chance encounter with Jacob. I had a daughter. A daughter. I couldn't comprehend it. It was too much to take in. I couldn't wrap my brain around it. I was father. Me, a dad. But was I really?
I bitterly thought back at what Bella had told me, that I was nothing but a sperm donor. I cringed internally at the truth of her words. Not only had she been left to raise our child on her own, but she had been blind while doing it.
"Argh," I groaned in frustration as I kicked the curb hoping to release all of the pent up anger within me. I immediately regretted it as shooting pain shot up my leg, but I ignored it, hunching my shoulders again as I continued my angry walk down the street.
A wave of sadness passed over me when in the middle of my angry ranting, I recalled what she had said when I asked her what she missed the most about not being able to see. Now her statement about not be able to see the faces of the ones she loved held so much more meaning. She would literally, never be able to see her--no, our daughter grow up.
I was going to make this up to her. I had no idea how, but I was going to. She had to understand that I was never going to leave her, or resent her. It sickened me that she had honestly believed that I would resent her and my own daughter.
But did you give her any reason to think otherwise, I thought bitterly to myself. Recalling the two years that we had spent together. I thought back on all the times I had watched her hold a baby while I hung back a look of disgust on my face. Or all the times I had demanded that we change booths in a restaurant simply because a family with young children had been seated too close. Yes, I had given her every reason to keep that secret from me. And I hated myself for it.
But I wasn't the same person then as I was now. I wasn't some fresh out of college frat boy who was afraid of the responsibility. Because in truth, I was afraid. I held both my father and mother in the highest esteem and the fear of not being able to be the same parental figure to my own children as they had been to me was, well . . . terrifying. So instead of admitting my fears I reacted negatively to any situation that would bring them into the light.
But even though I was scared out of my mind of being a father I knew that I had to do it. I didn't have any more time to wallow in my own insecurities. I had to man up.
This conclusion hit me so swiftly. I knew what I had to do. I had to be there for Bella. I had to be there for my daughter.
Turning around I half ran back my car, with the sudden desire to see Bella washing over me. Jamming my keys into the ignition, my car purred to life and I grabbed my phone from off the passenger seat to call her.
But when I flipped my phone open I saw that I had several missed calls from Jasper, and the events of the night flooded back into my consciousness. Angrily I banged my head against the steering wheel. Could I have been a bigger ass?
With a sigh I called Jasper's number, preparing myself for the tongue lashing I was sure to get. His phone rang once, twice and then a third time; I was starting to hope that he wasn't going to answer when all the sudden his voice screamed into my ear.
"Where the hell are you?" his voice was livid. "Actually, I don't care where you are, because all that matters is where you should be."
"Jasper, calm down," I said as calmly as I could manage.
"Calm down! You are telling me to calm down?" I had to hold the phone away from my ear he was yelling so loud. "You don't get to tell me to calm down. I just carried your girlfriend into her room because she was crying so hard she couldn't walk. I have half a mind to call Emmett and come beat you up myself!"
"And I'd deserve it," I yelled back into the phone, hoping to shut him up. "Look, I know I screwed up, really screwed up, but I little overwhelmed, okay? How would you like to find out that you're a dad nearly three years after the fact?"
"That's still no excuse for your behavior," Jasper argued back.
"You only say that because you're not me," I said bitterly. He was about to quip out a smart remark back, but I didn't want to hear it.
"I'm going to fix this Jasper, you don't have anything to worry about that. I'm not going to let her down again," I promised more to myself than anyone else.
"And when are you planning this little fixer-upper party," he demanded.
"Tonight," I responded, pulling out into traffic, "I'm on my way right now."
There was a long pause. "You might want to call Alice."
"Well first off, Bella was pretty upset after you left. Like I said, I had to carry her because she was crying so hard. And second, it's nearly two in the morning. I don't think either of them would appreciate you banging down the door at this hour."
"That still doesn't explain to me why I should call Alice," I said, taking in all the information he had just given me; cringing at the damage I had caused.
"You need to call Alice so that you and Bella can talk without any interruptions. I know Alice well enough by now that I'm sure she could arrange that."
I had to admit he was right. With a sigh I turned the car around and headed back to my place.
"Thanks Jasper," I said, hoping he could hear my sincerity. "I'll give Alice a call. Thanks."
"I don't need you to thank me, I need you to take care of Bella and your daughter." And with that he hung up.
His statement left sent my mind in a frenzy again. My daughter. It still didn't seem real.
I was standing outside of Bella's condo. I had called Alice right after I got of the phone with Jasper and she had told me that Bella would be home alone during the late morning, early afternoon hours. But just because she was home alone, didn't mean that she would be willing to talk to me.
Working up the courage I finally, hesitantly knocked on the door. When there was no response, I knocked again, harder. But this was still no response. Panicking I starting knocking harder and louder, desperate for her to open the door so that I could make things right.
"Come on Bella, please open up. I know you're home," I called through door, hoping she would answer my plea.
Soon enough I heard the lock on the door click, and slowly the door opened to reveal a set of beautiful brown eyes that were widened in confusion and worry. I didn't mean to kiss her then, but I couldn't help it. I wanted one real kiss before she could possibly kick me to the curb.
Pulling her tightly into my arms I kissed her with everything I had. Victory was mine when she responded in kind and I felt an electric current sweep through me as I kissed her . . . and I mean really kissed her, for the first time in three years.
I realized then that even if she did try to kick me to the curb, she wouldn't succeed, because I wasn't going anywhere. They may accuse Bella of being the stubborn one but I can be just as obstinate and immovable. And on this issue I wasn't budging. I would make her mine and together we would raise our daughter.