For some reason, hearing the emotions in your words always bring forth things I cannot identify. This odd sort of adrenaline flowing through my blood, strange and cool and warm all the same. My heartbeat doesn't necessarily go faster every time, but many times I've felt it go erratic in an odd, comforting sort of manner.
Why is that, Nanoha?
You confuse me. You always confuse me. You make me feel so terribly lost.
Sometimes I don't think you have really realized how much you affected me. You know you did, but you don't really know to what extent.
I don't, either.
You dropped the bombshell on me that day, Nanoha.
"You make me feel...odd, Fate-chan."
You didn't say the words that would confirm the niggling doubt in my mind, but your gestures said everything. And you were vulnerable, drunk as you were. You were talking - or babbling, rather - of some problems between you and Yuuno, and I was your companion, your confidant. I offered some advices, and I couldn't help myself from teasing just a little. I expected a blush or maybe some flustered remarks or denial, but you did none of them.
Instead, you gave me a look that I did not recognize, and it made me wary. It was far too intense and meaningful, and I find myself not really understanding it.
Then you remarked about how dense I am, and I bristled, because I wasn't expecting that.
After that, you tackled me and snuggled for absolutely no reason, and all so suddenly. Honestly, you baffled me. One second you were poking at a sore point of mine, the next you're latching to me. There were times when I had this inkling suspicion you do that just because you know it's one of the few things that will catch me off-guard, and I had to force myself to respond, surprised as I was, to play along with the charade; reminding myself that you were drunk.
Then...then you offered.
I've never considered our relationship to go past friends, if not sisters. I have never even thought of the possibility. But the moment you said it...I considered. I had...considered.
And I would have taken what you had to offer, if it wasn't for some timely distractions. Distractions that slammed logic and rationality back into my mind, stopping me before I could do something we may both regret. You had Yuuno, you were drunk, you were hurt and vulnerable, and we were supposed to be best friends.
Did you realize what a dangerous position you and I were in, Nanoha?
I would have liked to think you were drunk, but your eyes told me you were sober. Or getting sober.
The silence that came after was so profound. I didn't know what you were thinking. I didn't understand what I was feeling. I was baffled at what I had been considering.
And then later, you said words that ended up distracting me.
"...I don't regret what I've said, you know."
Something was stirring in me, and I did not understand what it was.
I still don't.
Emotions are foreign to me. Whether it was my past, or my lack of experience towards them; they are still things I've shunned for a long time.
You know that too.
And because you know that I know you know, all I could think of is I will hurt you.
I've told you before; I tend to favor symbols or things, tangible or not, that reminds me of myself.
Doesn't autumn seem to suit me very well?
I'm not very good with cold weather. Even during summer, the probability of me getting a cold is considerably much higher than most people. Yet, despite that, autumn is still a season I favor the most, because I can't help but think of it as my element.
A symbol of loss and renewal, a gesture of coldness and fleeting warmth...
Do you know what that means?
If you get too attached to me, you will lose a part of yourself, Nanoha.
And what will you gain?
I could already tell that my response, or lack thereof, is already hurting you.
But you still try.
Did you want me to hurt you?
Many times, that question had been at the tip of my tongue, and it was there too that it died before it could leave.
Because I couldn't bring myself to ask you that.
I dread the answer you may give me.
It's been some weeks...months, since that incident. Nothing's changed. Whether it was because I didn't react and answer because I just didn't know how, or whether it was because you didn't try...or didn't really try to pursue this issue again, it's still something hanging over our heads. Even if we're still comfortable around each other, there was this...this...thin line of thread that I - or we? - seem to be walking on. I feel like I'm teetering and about to fall anytime soon.
When duty brought me some dimensions away from Mid-Childa, I couldn't tell if I was relieved or not. I needed to think, and maybe some distance is what I needed.
But I was wrong.
At times, I had been almost tempted to describe this as torture. Pure, agonizing torture.
And why is that?
Because you dropped a bombshell on me like it was nobody's business -- again.
It's not fair, you know, this ability of yours that made me unable to focus. Or to even relax. You told me words I never thought I did hear - and why did it have to be just moments before I had to depart?
"I love you, okay?"
No. Not fair. Not fair at all, damn you.
A/N: I'm almost willing to bet this fic looks somewhat familiar. And yes, it should be rather familiar to some of you. Since it is a somewhat companion fic to...Fay's (Arigato Sheitarou) fiction, What You Do To Me. This was written a little while...ago, and I found it again while cleaning up my writing folders. Also, note that I say somewhat. It's not entirely connected, for various reasons of my own.
But it is probably about time I posted this, for various reasons. One of them being me suspecting it will be collecting dust for a long time (not that it didn't)...and no, I do not think there will be a part II. Not for a long while. Maybe reviews will inspire me. xP
Feel free to call this a little gift to one of our favorite authors in this section. Particularly since I owe her at least this much.
Also, on a side note, The Blue Sky and RoE part IV has been beta-ed.
Till next time,