Pregnant Vampire Bella Joins the Army
By Marcy and Roo
Roo: (shriek) Marcy! You finally updated that crazy-popular funny story of yours!
Marcy: The one where the Cullens torture Mike Newton in sex ed?
Roo: Yes! It's brilliant!
Marcy: That's only because you inspired my by finally updating that crazy popular funny story of YOURS!
Roo: The one where the Cullens torture Mike Newton in phys. ed?
Marcy: Yes! It's brilliant!
Roo: (dejected) Your story is TWICE as popular as mine.
Marcy: (shrugs) Sex sells.
Roo: (rolls eyes) Apparently.
Marcy: What lured the elusive Roo back into the wonderful world of writing?
Roo: Well…I had to come back. The world of Twilight fan fiction was getting clogged with stories that were obnoxiously implausible. Someone had to put something out there that was worth reading. I used to love reading all the new fan fiction that came out…you know, back when there was a total of 2,000 stories posted. Now there are over 15,000 to sort through…most of them are crappy, out-there Alternative Universe stories.
Marcy: (checks the front page) Bella discovers she's a witch and hooks up Harry Potter in Sunnydale. Edward leaves Bella for girl he met in Brazil named Miffy. Bella marries Mike Newton and Carlisle kills their children.
Roo: What did I tell you? (mumbles something that sounds vaguely like "ridiculous AU crap.")
Marcy: What's next? "Pregnant Vampire Bella Joins the Army?"
Roo: (falls off her chair laughing) Preggers…Vampy…HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Marcy: (rolls on floor, unable to breathe, tears streaming down her face)
Roo: Dude. That is the WORST concept I've ever heard of for an AU piece.
Marcy: Laughably bad.
Roo: Edward and Bella running through the treetops after he tells her he's a vampire would be more likely to happen.
Marcy: (sighs) I'm glad you're back. Now that we've both returned to writing fan fiction after long months of being AWOL, we should TOTALLY write a fanfic together.
Roo: I'm down with that. What do you think the theme should be?
Marcy: We should write…"Pregnant Vampire Bella Joins the Army"!!!
Roo: You've gotta be joking.
Marcy: Who me? Naw. I don't tell jokes. Serious. All the time. Me serious.
Roo: But Marcy…who's going to want to read something like THAT?
Marcy: Who cares? It will be a blast to write!
Roo: It's so ridiculous…that I have to say…YES! Let's do it! (dies laughing)
Marcy: How is this going to work?
Roo: Okay…you start. Write 500 words. Then, I'll pick it up and write another 500 words. We'll go back and forth like that. We'll post every 3,000 words or so as a chapter. The story will end when we get Bella 1) Pregnant 2) Turned into a vampire 3) To join the army. In that order.
Marcy: I can't believe we're doing this!!!
Roo: This story is totally on crack
Marcy: Dude! It's going to be a hit!
Both: MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
Chapter One: The Virgin Vampire Bride Mothers Her Own Sister
An infertility clinic is no place for a teenager, I thought to myself. Seven women and four men were clustered around the room, occupying its tacky plaid chairs, pretending to read about celebrity so-and-so's scandalous hook up with his maid. That wasn't really what they were reading, though. I'd figured out two weeks earlier, at my first appointment, that what they were actually reading was each other.
Is she pregnant? Why her and not me?
If Edward were here he could have told me exactly what they were thinking, but I'd refused to let him come. I was being stared at enough in this waiting room without the company of the world's most gorgeous "teenager."
The women all wore different expressions: some hopeful, some weary, and some of absolute desperation. But each of them, even the hopeful ones, glared at me with an unspoken accusation: What are you doing here?
Honestly, I wondered the same thing. I longed to escape from this waiting room almost as much as I longed to postpone my journey to the exam room. I looked up with a blend of hopefulness and nervousness when the nurse opened the window to call the next patient back.
I knew immediately when she lifted the brown paper sack that my name would not be the one called. When the poor guy grabbed the sack and headed to the bathroom, I couldn't stop myself from looking down and blushing in embarrassment at what I knew he was going to do. "Romancing the cup," Emmett had called it. Edward would owe me big time for this.
It had been Rosalie, of all people, who'd planted this ridiculous notion in Edward's head. After the night she came to Edward's room and told me her tragic tale, she'd thought almost constantly of babies. It drove Edward crazy. In the complicated spider web of her regret, the thought had occurred to her that were she still "alive" today, she could have some of her eggs frozen. Her DNA could still be preserved somewhere, and someday—even if she couldn't carry it within her—she could have a child. Not that she would choose to do so. The life she had been dealt wasn't ideal for motherhood. It would be dangerous. But still, there would be the option. Not having the choice pissed her off.
Edward—of course—wanted me to have every option available. I'd already made the choice to become a…to become like the Cullens. I had no doubt that giving up the possibility of motherhood—which I never really longed for anyway—for the reality of an eternity with my soul mate was a more than fair trade. No kids. Whatever. I was okay with that, but Edward wanted me to have some eggs frozen—an ace in the hole, so to speak. I told him there was no way I would ever want to have a baby. It would be insane, like bringing Jasper one of those mini corn dogs that every human finds so delicious and irresistible and expecting him to declare it the perfect snack. Besides, I'd had enough mothering to last me several lifetimes just taking care of Renee.
But Edward really thought I might be glad of this some day, and what's more, Rosalie really wanted me to do it. If a few weeks of being stuck in the butt with some hormones and a simple outpatient procedure could spare me centuries of scorn by Rosalie—and pacify Edward at the same time—well, I couldn't turn that down. The one thing I had refused them, however, was allowing Carlisle to perform the procedure. There were just some places I didn't want my future father in law poking around, and I certainly didn't want him in the places Edward hadn't even been yet.
I insisted on going to a clinic in Seattle--far enough away that I wouldn't be recognized--and where the physician was not my boyfriend's pseudo father. Since I thought the whole thing was stupid, though, I did allow them to pay for it.
"Isabella Swan?" the nurse called. I set my copy of People down and followed her down a short hallway into a sterile, fluorescently-lit exam room. She took my weight, height and vitals. My heart rate was ninety beats per minute. The nurse assured me that it was probably just because I was nervous. After asking a few standardized questions about when I'd had my last period, she gave me a flimsy gown to change into and left the room.
After fifteen minutes of shivering on the edge of the exam table, the doctor came in. To my surprise, it wasn't the fifty-something female doctor who had done my initial evaluation. Instead, to my horror, it was a thirty-something young man. His nametag said "Luke O. Seitz: Physician's Assistant" on it. Great. Just great. He took a seat on a rolling stool, examining my chart.
"Miss Swan?" he said. I nodded. "I'm Dr. Lutin's assistant. You can just call me Luke." He reviewed a few items on my chart. "I read here that you and your fiancé have had difficulties conceiving, and that you're here to have a go at in vitro. Is that correct?
"Yes. My future father-in-law, Dr. Cullen, is going to do the in vitro process at the hospital in Forks. I'm just having the eggs harvested here, frozen, and sent over. Dr. Lutin assured me that that was all possible."
"You've received two shots of FSH already?" I nodded.
"Yes. That's all that Dr. Lutin did during the last two visits." He nodded, again reviewing my chart.
"You're only eighteen, is that right?" I winced.
"How long have you and your fiancée been trying, without success?" I blushed feverishly.
"A year," I lied. I wished we'd been "trying" for a year.
"You're very young and you have a lot of time left. You're fresh out of high school. Are you sure you're ready for this?" I fumbled for an answer.
"He's quite a bit older than me," I said, staring at the floor. I wasn't about to say just how much older. "He's been ready for marriage and kids and…" I paused. The lies weren't coming smoothly. "Well…he's been ready for awhile. I love him. I want to make him happy." The PA searched my face, his expression full of concern and unconscious disapproval.
"Before we do any harvesting, I need to do a routine gynecological check up. You'll need a pap smear, a pelvic exam, and a breast exam. Go ahead and lay back." He pulled out those awful metal stirrups at the base of the table and placed my feet into them. I wished desperately that Dr. Lutin had come back. Why had I volunteered for this? A man was touching me…down there.
After less than a minute of poking and prodding, Luke abruptly stopped the exam and rolled back.
"Bella, you can go ahead and sit up," he said.
"It's over already?" I asked, surprised.
"For now," he said. If his expression was full of concern before, now it was really full of concern. "Is there something that you weren't honest about during your initial examination?"
"Um…I don't think so," I faltered. His piercing eyes weren't buying it.
"You said that you and your fiancé had been trying for a year." I nodded, face red, eyes fixed on my hands.
"Bella…your hymen is intact. You're still a virgin, aren't you?" I made no move. I could feel my face burning. Luke just sat there, waiting.
"No. I…yes. Yes and no." I stammered, looking down at my bitten fingernails.
"It's either yes or no, Bella, but it can't be both."
"Yes. I'm still a virgin." And I will probably remain one, because I am going to kill Edward for talking me into this.
"Then why do you believe IVF is necessary for you and your fiancé to conceive?"
I wanted to run out of the examination room, and drive back to Forks without a backward glance. I would have done it, too, if I weren't still in the stupid, backless, paper gown. I mentally weighed my options: I could either expose my butt to a waiting room full of people when I ran through—and most likely tripped in—the waiting room, or sit here and explain to Luke that not only was I a virgin, but a liar, too.
"I…I don't think we need medical help to have a baby together." No, we'd need a miracle, with Edward being sterile for the last 90 years. I giggled at my errant thought, a byproduct of my rising hysteria, no doubt.
"Then why subject yourself to this?"
Think Bella. Think. Why did people do this? To have babies, duh. Think! I remembered the women in the waiting room that glared and made me so uncomfortable. One of them reminded me a lot of Renee. That's it!
"For my mother," I looked away from my pathetic fingernails, and met his gaze with certainty.
"Your mother wants you to do this?" He was obviously baffled.
Your bedside manner needs work, Doc. "Well, yes. But I really want to do it for her."
"Is she that desperate for grandchildren?"
A nervous giggle worked its way out of my lips, but I quickly squashed it. "No, Luke." I emphasized his name, thinking of how Edward always called the people he dazzled by name. I needed all the help I could get. I was a terrible liar. "She's not desperate for grandchildren. She'd probably kill me if Edward and I started a family this young."
Luke blinked, but didn't interrupt, so I spoke quickly, hoping the lie would be less obvious if spoken fast.
"She married a much younger guy. Phil doesn't have any children of his own, or anything. And there's something wrong with her eggs."
Luke's face relaxed. "And you're going to be a surrogate for her?"
"Uh…no. Just a donor."
"I understand, Bella. What I don't understand is why you felt the need to be untruthful about it."
"I was embarrassed." Well, at least that wasn't a lie. "I mean, it's weird right? If she has a baby it will be my child and my sibling! I thought you would think it was weird."
Luke actually laughed. "Bella, honestly I find it a lot less weird than the story you fed me coming in here. Family reproductive donors—and even surrogates—are extremely common. I think it is brave and kind, not weird."
He smiled at me, and I smiled back. I was proud to have thought on my feet and come up with a new story under pressure. It was good practice for later.
Luke raised one eyebrow at me. "But I would advise you against lying to your physicians in the future. It's a very dangerous thing to do, and not exactly legal, either."
"I know Dr. Cullen," he continued. "Not well, but I've been down to the hospital in Forks a few times. He's a good man—a good Doctor—and I have a hard time believing he would approve of your being…" he scratched his chin, "less than forthright with us."
"Sorry." My voice was almost a whisper. Do not cry, Bella! I couldn't help it. I was embarrassed, and angry, and the tears wouldn't stay away. "So," my voice broke on a repressed sob, "Now what?"
Luke finished my normal gynecological exam with surprising speed. I wondered if it was because he was in a hurry to get done so he could get on to sane patients, or if he was just efficient. Either way, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The pap smear was unpleasant, but I'd gone through worse. Surviving multiple fractures, numerous abrasions, a concussion, and a vampire bite all on the same day does wonders for one's pain tolerance. He ended the visit by giving me another shot of FSH telling me to return in five days, when I was ovulating. At any other point in time, I would have protested yet another all day affair (it was a three-hour drive to Seattle—four in my geriatric truck), but since it was summer, I didn't mind. The Newtons had been cutting my hours at work, and with school done, I didn't have much going on. I forked over my co-pay at the front desk and left.
After an hour stuck in Seattle traffic, glaring enviously at the cars zipping along down the carpool lane that I was forbidden to enter (making dummies and putting them in the passenger seat so you didn't look like you were driving by yourself carried a hefty fine in Seattle), I finally made it to US-101, going as fast as my plodding truck would allow. Once I was no longer occupied with trying to stay alive in the sea of honking horns, my mind filled with millions of thoughts and millions of emotions. Anger swelled into rage which morphed into utter humiliation. I'd never liked lying, but to be caught red-handed in the middle of lie as personal as the unspoiled state of my crotch was more than I could handle.
Though I was glad to be out of the examination room, I was dreading going home. The thought of discussing So! How was your day? Did you have fun at the doctor's office? with Charlie was about as appealing as the thought of eating moldy croutons. I thought about going straight to the Cullens', but realized, with horror, that Alice had probably "seen" the good, the bad, and the ugly of my spread-eagle afternoon with Luke. With a sudden start, I realized that if Alice saw it, Edward probably saw it too. My heart pounded in my chest, and I felt my blood run cold, like ice. I groaned. What if Emmett found out? He'd have a field day with this. The virgin vampire bride mothers her own sister. I thought. It sounds like something you'd read in the National Inquirer.
"Aw…crap!" I yelled out loud. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the Forks exit zip past, to my right. I'd been so lost in thought that I was driving on auto-pilot. I sighed, looking to the median on the left, trying to see if there was a good place to turn around.
Suddenly, I realized that I didn't want to go home. With a sudden, rash, impulse, I turned right, off of US-101, and veered onto WA-110. My tires squealed in protest. The frustration and anxiety built up inside of me from the events of the day had reached a peak. I wasn't ready to face what was waiting for me at home. I needed an escape.
A sign to the right read "15 miles to La Push." I gunned my engine.
I was startled when tinkling piano music filled the cab of the truck. It was Mendelssohn's Wedding March, and it was coming from the small silver phone Edward and Alice had insisted I bring.
I told her to quit changing the ringtone to THAT. Alice had persisted on assigning different ringtones to everyone in my directory list. She was quite the comedian, that Alice Cullen. A phone call from Jake in La Push would bring Hey There Little Red Riding Hood. Not that he called me anymore. If Rosalie called, Every Rose has a Thorn would play. Not the she called me, either. Charlie's ringtone was the theme song from COPS, Renee's was Put Me In Coach, Emmett's was the Elvis song Teddy Bear, Jasper's was Dixie, and Carlisle's was the theme to E.R. Alice thought these were all hilarious. I wasn't quite as sure. Edward's and Esme's ringtones, however, I actually enjoyed. They were both recordings of Edward at his piano. My Lullaby played when Edward called me, and Esme's favorite played when the call came from her cell. Come to think of it, the melodic notes filling the truck were most likely brought to life by Edward, too. They felt too rich—to alive—to be the creation of a mere mortal.
Alice kept changing her ringtone to the Wedding March, since—as she kept reminding me— she was technically in charge of the whole thing. I kept changing it back to the audio rip of Shoes, but I was fighting a losing battle. Afterall, it's pointless to try to stay one step ahead of a psychic vampire with superhuman speed that never sleeps. The ringtone was always The Wedding March when she called.
So I knew who was calling, and I knew why she was calling—my future would have dissapeared the instant I decided to go to La Push—which was precicely why I decided not to answer the phone. If I wanted to discuss what happened at the clinic, I would be driving to Forks, not to La Push. As soon as I made the decision not to answer, the phone stopped ringing. Stupid psychic vampire.
Almost instantaneously the cell phone rang again, but it was not the Wedding March. It was a different tone—one that made me catch my breath even now, after all this time—My Lullaby. It was Edward.
Crap. He Knows. But how much does he know? It was obvious, based on the timing of the call, that Edward knew where I was headed. But he might not be aware of what happened with Luke…yet. I struggled with the concept of not answering for Edward, either, but it was only a fleeting fancy. I couldn't not answer. He'd seen me cry the night I said goodbye to Jake, he'd held me while I wept myself into oblivion over another man. I'd promised myself then and there that I would never hurt Edward again. He wouldn't guilt me over it, even if I continued to drive as fast as my truck would allow right onto the reservation, but I would feel guilty anyway. I'd made my choice. I couldn't go to La Push. I sighed and pushed the green button on my phone to connect the call.
"Edward," I whispered. He would hear me.
"Don't hang up. It's important!" The voice was not the sultry tones of my fiance. It was Alice.
"I'm not going." I said with disgust in my voice. Disgust at myself for what I'd almost done, and disgust at the world in general for the embarrasment I still felt about the morning's appointment.
"I know that. Your future just reappeared, but that's not why I'm calling." Her voice was shaky.
"What's wrong?" I was suddenly panicked. I'd heard Alice sound unsure of herself in only one other chapter in my life: the day that Edward fled to Italy.
"You need to come home, Bella." Alice said sternly. "We can discuss it when you get here, but make sure you come straight to the mansion, Bella. Don't stop anywhere else. And for heaven's sake don't interact with any of those werewolves!"
"No. Tell me what this is about, Alice."
"Bella. Just come…"
"No," I cut her off briskly. "I'm pulling over on the side of the road, and I'm not moving an inch until you explain to me what is going on!" I meant it. Alice must have seen my conviction in her vision, because she relented.
"It's about Dr. Lutin. She was found this morning by the police wandering naked around Seattle. They think she's suffered some type of mental collapse because she seems to be perfectly healthy physically, but she's throwing fits. They've had to restrain her and drug her, but she won't stop shrieking about the red eyed little girl who burned her insides with her mind."
"Wait, Bella. There's more. She said the little girl was the daughter of his assistant, Luke Seitz."
"Luke isn't a vampire, Alice. I met him today."
We already know that. Luke is like Gianna, Bella, a human that the Volturi will use and throw away. Dr. Lutin was screaming that she has been doing something to the women that come to the clinic. You need to come home, Bella. Right now."