Clueless Parody

Rated T for Language

"Hey Bones," Booth said as he entered her office and placed the folder she had requested on her desk.

"Thanks Booth, but I will have to look at the report next week," Tempe replied whilst she gathered up some papers, put them on her desk, and then put her purse next to her suitcase by the door.

Booth's eyes glanced down at the red, white and blue-stripped case. "Going somewhere Bones?"

"Yes. Vacation. Aruba."

"Sounds nice," he replied as he glanced down at his winter jacket, boots and gloves he had donned that morning.

As she closed her laptop and made her way around to the front of her desk, Booth couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't packing up her computer.

"Aren't you going to take your laptop?"

"Why? I am going on vacation."

Sometimes she didn't get the man who was her partner. Always work, work, work. He really needed to learn how to relax once in a while.

"I just thought you might want to do some writing on your current book."


"So who you going with?" he asked as she continued to tidy up her desk.

"Just me. It's harder to meet men when you have friends around. I even bought a new bathing suit that minimizes tan lines. Want to see it?" She glanced out of the corner of her eye as he just stood there playing with his poker chip.

"No thanks. I was thinking of going to a hockey game this weekend."

Tempe turned to him with a scrunched face that made her look a bit like a bunny rabbit.

"Have fun," she said as she picked up her jacket, hung it over her arm and scanned her office one last time.

"What time is your flight?" Booth asked.


"You have lots of time. Traffic isn't too bad today."

"Thanks for the traffic report, Booth." Her voice was more than just a tad sarcastic but once again, Seeley Booth was oblivious to it. "I called a cab, parking is a bitch at the airport." Glancing at her watch, she saw that it should be there any minute.

"I have to stop by Cam's office to pick up a file. Better get going. Have a good trip," Booth said as he held up his hand and waved as he turned and walked out the door.

"Damn it Seeley Booth!" Temperance yelled causing him to stop in his tracks.

She sounded pissed but he had no freaking clue why, so he carefully peeked his head back into her office. She had put her bag and coat down and was taking off her top.


"Seeley Booth you aren't gay, are you?" she asked looking directly into his eyes as she undid the buttons to her top.


"Gay, homosexual, liking people of the same gender in a sexual manner."

"I know the meaning. Why did you yell at me and why on earth are you asking me if I am gay?"

His eyes widened as she removed her top, revealing a black camisole and matching bra.

"Bones, what are you doing? I am standing right here in your office and you are taking your shirt off. Are you hot?"

You have no idea, Tempe thought.

"Yes as a matter of fact, I am hot." She stepped towards him clad in her camisole, bra, Capri's and sandals.

"I am surprised because you have summer clothes on and it's winter, outside, see?" He pointed to the now falling snow outside her office window.

"Shit. I have work fast," Tempe said to herself.

Stepping closer to her partner, she reached out and gently placed her hands on his shoulders.

Goodness gracious, those are wide, hard shoulders.

"Bones, why are you wearing a camisole and a bra? I thought women usually just wear one of those."

"I needed the bra so you wouldn't see my erect nipples," she stated.

"Erect nipples? You said you were hot, why would your nipples be erect? That only occurs when women are cold or sexually aroused."

Tempe's eyes widened further and she bit her bottom lip - hard. He is fucking clueless.

Keeping her hands on his shoulders using them for support, she kicked off her sandals.

"One year, Booth. One year. I've been buried alive, bound and gagged by a crooked F.B.I. agent, fucked your colleague and friend, talked about your dick on more than one occasion, and even poured myself into a Wonder Woman costume. And what did you do? Nothing. Not a damn thing. Sorry, you did do one thing: you drew a line, a really straight, annoying line. And you kept both feet planted on the side of partnership. Well guess what Booth, I have had one hand on you the whole time trying to pull you over to the other side where my feet have been firmly placed for the past year."

Booth's face went pale and his mouth dried at his sudden awareness that his beautiful partner had been seducing him for the past year and he wasn't even aware of it. His voice lost the ability to speak but that was okay because what Tempe wanted to do with him didn't require working vocal cords.

"And do you really think that I would let Carolyn bully me into kissing you if I didn't want to? I mean really, my dad is a cold-blooded murderer who felt it quite acceptable to shoot, gut and set on fire the Deputy Director of the F.B.I. I'm sure he could live without a family Christmas."

"You wanted to kiss me?" Booth's voice was barely above a whisper.

"Damn right I did. And why did you agree with me when I said kissing you was like kissing Russ? You're an F.B.I. agent; don't you know that is called incest, or at least well on the way?"

"Well there wasn't any tongue," he replied nonchalantly.

You clueless bastard - I'll show you tongue.