The Idiot's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy

Disclaimer – I own nothing in the Stargate franchise. I am simply borrowing their work purely for my own creative purposes. I make no profits from this. Sorry.

Author's Note: This was written before Season 4 premiered, so Dr. Weir is still in the picture as in command of Atlantis. She makes for an interesting leader, so I didn't want to have to write her off and out of my story. She'll be in this all the way through, unless I decide otherwise.

Chapter 1 – part 1

After over two years in the Pegasus Galaxy, it still took Dr. Weir by surprise how many stupid things got done by the members of the Atlantis Expedition. While brain-storming, however, Elizabeth was struck with a really good idea.

The next day, the entire city received an e-mail with a link attached to it. When clicking the link, they found themselves connected to what seemed like a web-site, titled: The Idiot's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy. On said site was what appeared to be the first of what promised to be many rules and guidelines on how to deal with living in the Pegasus Galaxy.

The Idiot's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy

1. Jumpers are not toys.

Obviously. There were only a certain number of Jumpers on Atlantis. They couldn't afford to damage any of them. Yet, there were Atlantis teams that found it highly amusing to race the Jumpers, and to try and do stunts with them. The Command Staff wasn't too pleased with said teams.

2. Coffee is not to be hoarded.

A. We need it too.

B. There are limited supplies between Daedalus runs.

The scientists had taken to hoarding the coffee. No one else was happy. The soldiers had almost rebelled. Elizabeth had to resolve it diplomatically. She wasn't too happy, either.

3. Country music is annoying.

In response to losing their stash of coffee, the scientists had rigged the PA system to play country music. Elizabeth hadn't even tried to stop the soldiers from raiding the labs. Carson was so pleased about the stop of the music that he hadn't even complained about all the injured soldiers and scientist who had come in after the ensuing fight.

4. Be nice to the soldiers.

A. They protect you.

Scientists were very good at holding grudges, Rodney especially.

5. Don't give pyros matches.

A. Or lighters.

B. Or magnifying glasses.

C. Or anything else that can start fires.

D. It's not funny anymore, people.

Lt. Joshua Adams of Atlantis-6 (A-6) was a pyro. Fortunately, his CO was a fast thinker. Captain Annie Dyson had gotten her team off-planet before they got attacked by an angry mob. Now, Joshua was prohibited from holding anything that could start fires. His teammates, Annie, Dr. Sean Tyler and Dr. Erin Krasin, were severely watching him, under pain of death.

6. Use your heads.

A. Just not literally.

Soldiers were idiots sometimes. Scientists weren't much better.

7. The scientists are allowed to play with children's toys.

Apparently, the scientists had bribed the Daudalus crew to bring them Earth toys. Now, the brightest minds of two galaxies were playing with things like Legos and Tinker Toys. It was kinda scary but wicked cool when they used the toys during a demonstration.

8. Pets have to be cleared by the SGC.

When Elizabeth had gone to a planet with A-1 for trade negotiations, she had been given the planet's equivalent to a dog, who would be fiercely loyal to its owner. Now, she was the proud mother and owner of a five-foot tall red, wolf-like creature she had named Clifford (after Clifford the Big Red Dog). Clifford was scary, and pictures of him sent back to Earth had caused the SGC to tremble in their boots, but no one wanted him to go away, since he was friendly (if he liked you, anyway).

9. Fireworks are to be kept on Atlantis.

A-13 wasn't very lucky. They had Roman candles off-world, and they had shot them off. Some of the natives had thought that they were pretty. The priests didn't think so. Now Atlantis wasn't allowed to go back.

10. Football is not allowed to be played anywhere but the gym.

A. Same for rugby.

B. And lacrosse.

C. And every other sport. See the infirmery for the full list.

Carson wasn't happy when Rodney and Major Lorne came hobbling into the infirmary after a rough game of football. Not even twenty-four hours later, Sgt. Walters had a broken wrist from playing a brutal game of lacrosse on the balcony.

11. Crayons are to be supervised.

No one wanted to know why A-3 took crayons off-world. Now, they were only allowed back, and only if they brought crayons with them.

12. The Ghostbusters Theme Song is not to be played around Colonel Caldwell.

A. Or any of the invented lyrics.

B. He does go back to Earth on a regular basis.

The Ghostbusters Song was a personal favorite of many of the expedition memebers. But, Caldwell didn't see the humor in it, so no one played it when he was around. But they liked to hum the melody, or mumble any of the Atlantis-modified lyrics.

13. No pranks off-world

Far too many teams had continued prank wars off-world. That was a problem. Dr. Heightmeyer would have plenty of customers soon.

14. Smiling helps.

A. People will like you better.

B. We want them to like us.

No one contended that one.

15. Be nice to resident aliens.

A. That includes Clifford.

Ronan and Teyla had heard quite a few alien remarks. Teyla, being Teyla, had tried to resolve it peacefully. Ronan hadn't. Clifford had taken quite a shine to the Satedan, and they were very frightening when paired together.

16. Only Dr. Weir and Ronan are allowed to take Clifford off-world.

They were the only ones Clifford actually listened to. According to Ronan, the dog and the alien had a bond, and Elizabeth kept them under control, pointing them in the right direction. However, in her mind, Ronan and Clifford were more like fairly reckless, occasionally idiotic partners in crime, and Elizabeth was their exasperated keeper and sometime well-planned leader.

17. Be nice to the women.

So, the all-male A-10 had made a crack or two. Unfortunately, they had made it in the presence of Elizabeth, Teyla, Miko and Lt. Laura Cadmen. The rest of the base cringed when those four got together. Only the Formidable Four, as they were now called, could create such a reaction.

18. Colonel Sheppard is not a lab rat.

A. Despite his obvious inherent knack for the ATA gene.

John didn't like to be used for lab tests. That was enough said.

19. If you don't want anything to get back to Earth, don't gossip about it.

A. The Command Staff may not care, but the Daedalus crew will.

A couple of scientists had been talking about certain missions. Some of the Daedalus crew had overheard. The long and short of it was it got back to Earth. The scientists were now the laughing stock of Atlantis, at least, until the next stupid event. Still, the soldiers were enjoying ribbing them.

20. A-1 are not gods.

That mistake was all too common whenever teams went through the Stargate. It's just that A-1 was more prone to it than other teams. Now the rest of the expedition was treating them like gods. That didn't help Rodney's ego at all. Or John's for that matter.

21. Don't bother the kitchen staff.

A. They make our food.

B. You won't like them when they're angry

It was common sense not to mess with the kitchen staff. One foul comment about them, and there would be no good food for a month. That, Airmen Matthews learned, was enough to cause an entire base of people to hate you.

22. Roller-skating without supervision is prohibited.

A. Use the proper safety gear.

B. And only in certain parts of Atlantis.

The soldiers were quickly becoming notorious for doing stupid things when they were bored.

23. Scientists need keepers.

Scientists apparently weren't much better. At least they could be contained. Elizabeth was seriously considering having someone watch them full-time.

24. Paint is forbidden.

A. If you want it that bad, just ask Dr. Weir first.

John must have had a total brain-fart. He, along with Rodney, and a number of other soldiers and scientists, had decided to do some decorating for a celebration of their arrival on Atlantis. Basically, Elizabeth wasn't happy. They had to clean it up now.

25. Neither Colonel Shepoard nor Dr. McKay have all the answers.

They still thought that they were gods. Enough said.

26. Teyla is good at fighting and being diplomatic.

A. Be nice to her.

Teyla'd had enough of stupid people. She went straight to Elizabeth. It got put to an end.

27. You are not Harry Potter.

A. You can't do "magic" with your "wands."

B. Stop it!

A-13 hadn't learned yet. They had smuggled their Roman candles off-world, and had decided to chase each other around while shooting them off. The natives of that planet now worshipped the Portal Gods and their Sticks of Pretty Colors.

28. Grudges are very bad.

The scientists hadn't learned either. Certain grudges had caused A-4 to end up bringing Dr. Ye home with a leg broken in three places.

29. Hot sauces are not allowed off-world.

A. It's just not nice, people.

A-10, yet again. They had given some "Dave's Insanity Sauce" to some natives, and had videotaped (videotaped!) the whole thing. Now, they were the Feared Liquid Fire Gods of M38-472. Elizabeth wasn't letting them go back any time soon.

30. Mandatory Atlantis boot-camp is just that: mandatory.

A. All newbies must go.

B. Unless you really have a legitimate health problem, don't even try to get out of it.

C. The Marine Brigade will find you.

It was a good idea, having an Atlantis boot-camp. It gave all newbies a chance to get the lowdown on Atlantis, and it gave the Marine Brigade a chance to torture more innocent, unsuspecting people

31. Laughing in the face of danger isn't a good idea.

A. It'll just piss 'em off

B. Shooting and laughing at the same time, on the other hand, is perfectly acceptable.

Actually, Kate Heightmeyer had pointed out that laughing at the "bad guys" while shooting at them was mentally all right. It just seriously annoyed the Wraith and all other Atlantis enemies. Now all the teams were doing it. Ronan was a bad influence sometimes.

32. Snakes are scary.

A-5 had gated to a snake world. One came back with them, quite by accident. Clifford was now the best friend of the entire base. After that event, everyone went out of their way to give treats to the alien wolf-dog. Elizabeth was surprisingly relieved and happy when Clifford became the base's new favorite secret weapon, aside from Teyla and Ronan, that is.

It surprised her that that the Idiot's Guide had grown so quickly, and that it was so popular. Then again, they needed it.