Our Bodies are Magic!
An outtake between Chapter 19 & 20 of Daphne Greengrass and the 6th Year From Hell, but can be read by itself.
In their 6th year, Ron and Hermione spent the night together. They'd simply fallen asleep.
Professor McGonagall caught Ron and Hermione together.
Now Ron has to sit through a sex talk from Snape!
The hyphens and dashes are intentional, as to denote Snape's speaking pattern (modeled shamelessly off of Alan Rickman himself!)
Poor Ron . . . (and my gift to him on his birthday is tons of awkwardness!)
Rated T for Mild Language and Clinically Accurate Sex Talk. 6th Year, AU.
Ron approached the slightly ajar door of the Defense Against the Dark, a swirl of nausea and panic threatening to burst forth from him.
(How the bloody hell did I get here?)
(Hermione and I didn't even bloody do anything!)
Which was certainly true.
It still didn't get him out from the utterly stupid, awful, and bone-headed mess he was currently in.
Peering inside the classroom, Ron saw there were already a few other male students inside. He recognized Terry Boot from the DA. And Zacharias Smith (Prat!) was also present, although Ron cringed at the thought of Smith engaging in any behavior that would've landed him in here.
Blaise Zabini, a Slytherin bloke, was sitting in the upper-middle area, bragging to anyone near him about his exploits with Eloise Midgen in a broom closet near the dungeons.
"She's got some fabulous breasts!" Zabini said enthusiastically, holding out his hands far in front of his chest. "Her 'Hufflepuffs' are indeed, a work of art."
Ron had to admit that "Midge's" newly improved look from the summer had been more than a little impressive. She was quite the looker these days.
Of course, though, Ron couldn't help but let what he was thinking slip out.
"Well, as much as she probably paid for the pair of 'em, they'd better be able to take all your N.E.W.T.s for ya!" Ron saw Zabini shoot him a deadly glare. Just behind him, he heard a snorting laugh. Turning around, he felt his anger rising as he laid eyes on . . .
(Oh I don't think so!)
"Er . . . Ron?" Dean Thomas said cautiously. Ron didn't even hear him.
(There's only one way that he would be here, and that's . . . that's . . .)
(If he so much as touched Ginny all funny-like, much less corrupt her—)
Ron growled and Dean cowered in his seat.
"QUIET!" a voice boomed from the entrance in the back of the classroom. Still huffing like a bull seeing red, Ron turned his darkened face to see Snape, walking (no, flying in -- just like the bat he is!) toward the middle of the classroom.
"Weasley! You will take a seat. Now!" Snape intoned dangerously.
Ron glowered, but said nothing. He slid into the desk next to Dean, who, to Ron's satisfaction, looked like he had just soiled his trousers.
Snape now stood in front of the classroom. With a quick flick of his wand, Snape silently Banished the unoccupied desks in front of all the boys to the side of the classroom. He smirked sarcastically at the students. "Bett-er. I trust you all know why you are here. All of you have violated Hogwarts Code of Student Conduct, Section Three, Rule Twenty-point-five, Amendment Three, 'In Response to Increased Incidents of Student Fraternization'."
Ron desperately tried to remove the grimace that wanted to pop out on his face. His goal to get through the lecture was simply to fade into the background, to go unnoticed as much as possible, and to block out as much as possible of Snape talking about--
"Sex," Snape sneered. "It is supposed to be a beaut-i-ful act between a witch and wizard in love, or if strikes your fancy, a witch and witch—"
Ron could hear a couple of boys snickering in the back and a giggling, "Hell yeah!" Snape shot them a most dirty look.
"—Or wiz-ard and wiz-ard." At that, there were some audible groans of discomfort or disgust. Ron noticed that Blaise Zabini squirmed uncomfortably in his seat and coughed loudly.
"Sex when you are teenagers, is anything but." Snape paced in front of the classroom, and Ron couldn't help but think that he was peering at him in a very foreboding way. "So, you are here because you have disrespected the fundamental nature of sex. However, you are teen-agers," Snape said, his upper lip curling as if he had just stepped in something offensive, "and as you are plagued with hormones, sex," (Bloody hell, is he trying to go for some record of saying "sex" as much as possible? Because BLEARGH!), "sex is apparently inevitable. It is the hope of the faculty here at Hogwarts that holding these sex lectures with you every month will assist you in making the right decisions for you and your partner."
The tone of Snape's voice told Ron that he really didn't give a flying hippogriff if they made the right decisions or not.
Snape started speaking rapidly. "Today, we shall discuss the reproductive anatomy of witches and wizards, and the processes involved with sexual intercourse."
Simply the mere sound of Snape saying "sexual intercourse" was enough to make Ron gag slightly.
Snape flicked his wand to turn on the flickering Magi-Projector. A few clicks and flickers of light, and a fabric screen Levitated at the front of the classroom showed a diagram of a naked wizard and a witch. "Indicium." Snape said assertively, and a little red dot appeared on the screen, moving in whichever direction Snape moved his wand.
"I am sure most of you have noticed that you have one of these," Snape said, the red dot now pointing to the groin on the drawing of the naked wizard. "Although you may have some rudimentary understanding of male anatomy, consider this a refresher course. This. Is. A. Penis." Snape said, overly emphasizing each word.
Upon hearing him say, "penis", Ron was fairly certain his face melted off his head.
"Your penis serves as the conduit for your seminal fluid — also known as semen — which is also known in our world as the Fluid of Life. It is the reason you are all here, as well as the reason why I am here," Snape's upper lip curled again in derision, "and I couldn't be happier."
Ron swallowed another gag-worthy bit of bile.
"Your testicles produce seminal fluid. When you become aroused, your penis becomes engorged as blood travels through its millions of veins . . . " and here, as Snape talked, the picture of the naked wizard changed slightly, so that his body did exactly what Snape was describing. The newly-aroused wizard diagram stood in profile, giving Ron and the rest of the boys a most disturbing image; all the little bits and pieces depicted in the diagram went through the whole process as to how a wizard became aroused.
Ron hid his eyes behind his hands.
"Oh, I see. Mister Weasley here thinks he doesn't have to watch or participate in the lecture."
Ron's heart stopped.
(Oh, for bloody Godric's bunghole's sake! Of course he sees me now!)
Ron slowly lowered his hands, and jumped backwards, nearly falling off the bench of his desk.
Snape's greasy, oily face was mere millimeters away from him.
"I need an assistant to help me demonstrate Muggle contraceptives, Mister Weasley. If you wouldn't mind." Snape swept his hand out in front of him and gave Ron a very dark and evil look.
From the tone of Snape's voice, it was quite clear that the greasy git was demanding Ron's assistance, rather than merely asking for it.
Stuffing a great groan into the back of his throat, Ron arose from the desk slowly.
"Any. Time. Weasley." Snape said through gritted teeth. He was barely able to contain his contempt.
Scrunching up his face and toughening up his bollocks, Ron languidly walked toward the front of the classroom. He faced a table upon which there was a banana and a small cardboard box labeled with "Durex" in bold white letters . . . among other devices that looked like a sponge, a tiny rubber bowl, and a small "T"-shaped plastic object.
(I so did not sign up for this!)
"Mister Weasley shall demonstrate my instructions to the class for the proper procedure to put on a Muggle condom, using the banana as a model for the pen-is."
"Professor," Ron muttered meekly. Snape snapped his neck toward Ron.
"Talking–is–not–required–for–this–exercise–so–you–would–do–well–to–keep–your–mouth–shut–and–follow–instructions!" Snape spoke rapidly; his sharp tone caused Ron to scurry around the table and stand stock-still.
"Now," came Snape's menacing tone. "Pick. Up. The. Ba-nan-a."
Ron knew he was going to swear to a lifetime of celibacy once he was finished in here.
He caught a quick glimpse of the diagram of the naked witch and thought, for one fleeting moment, that the witch had rather long, bushy hair.
(Oh, Godric . . . Hermione!)
(Merlin . . . if Hermione looked anything at all like that when she's naked, then screw celibacy!)
Ron found himself staring longingly at the picture . . . and, suddenly, he felt the stirrings of something in his own trousers.
"MISTER WEASLEY! Quit your infernal drooling at the naked witch and pick up that banana this instant!"
Ron scrambled to pick up the still-peeled banana. In his harassed state, he managed grab hold of the banana and squeeze far too tightly.
The meat popped out of the smooth, yellow skin and soared through the air.
Ron watched, mouth open, gaping as the long, white object practically flew in slow motion . . . and landed right at the feet of the permanently surly former Potions Master.
Snape glared at Ron. Ron threw back what he hoped was a defiant stare.
Snape rolled his eyes and flicked his wand and Conjured a new banana.
Storming over to Ron's side, Snape stuffed the fruit into Ron's hands. "Now," Snape began, glaring at Ron, then turning to address the other boys in the classroom, "the Board of Governors recommends we teach abstinence while you are in school. This is indeed the most effective manner of ensuring you will not spill your seed and impregnate some poor, unsuspecting girl. In addition, abstinence prevents either gender from spreading sexually transmitted diseases among the population. And by sex," Snape narrowed his dark, beady eyes at the class, "I mean all forms — vaginal, oral, and anal."
Ron felt himself turning a sickly green, and he heard the uncomfortable mutterings of the other boys as they reacted to Snape's matter-of-factness regarding the three categories of sexual intercourse. Snape rolled his eyes and continued talking in his languid, annoyed voice, "The Headmaster has informed us that we should instruct you in the various contraceptive charms and even Muggle methods, no matter how primitive you think them to be."
Snape turned his steely gaze to Ron, whose expressionless demeanor belied his jumble of nerves. "Mister Weasley. Please hold up your banana."
Ron did as he was told. He watched as Snape reached for the box labeled "Durex". Snape opened it, and took out a flat, square made of some shiny material. Snape tore the top of the square to reveal a soft looking, rolled-up . . .
(What in the name of Merlin's buttocks is that?)
"This," Snape said, holding the little disk between two fingers, "is called a condom. In the common vernacular, it is known as a 'rubber'." He turned sharply towards Ron. "Weasley, do you know what a condom is?"
"Oh! Yeah," Ron said with a nod and a smile. "Fred and George said they make great water balloons."
Ron's smiled faltered as he saw Snape bare his gritted teeth.
"Weasley, it would benefit you in the future not to listen to anything your family might say about contraceptives, seeing as they, of all the wizards and witches that I have ever met, seem to have the least idea of what a contraceptive is."
Ron fumed at Snape's remarks about his family. Before he could shoot off a retort, Snape smirked at him. "Needless to say, Ronald, a condom is a Muggle contraceptive. You put the condom on your aroused penis just before entry into your partner's vagina . . . or anus. You can tell your brothers that it is most definitely not a toy!"
To Ron's horror, Snape stretched out his arm, holding the blasted condom toward him. "Take it, Weasley."
Ron complied, and cocked his eyebrow, waiting for the next command.
"Take the banana, Weas-ley," Snape drawled, "and put the condom, with the roll facing up toward the ceiling on the very top of the banana. Await further instruction."
Nodding as assertively as he could (which, admittedly, wasn't much at all), Ron placed the condom, which he noticed had a tip in its center, on the top part of the banana. He made sure the roll was facing toward the ceiling.
"Ex-cellent. Now, Weasley, with one hand, press the center of the condom closed."
Ron did this.
"As you can see, Mister Weasley," Snape said to the class as Ron grimaced and turned even greener, "has just created a reservoir. You must allow extra space at the top of the condom so your ejaculate gathers into it. Otherwise, you are liable to rupture the material, and if you rupture the material, the seminal fluid will escape, and you could end up giving a blood-sucking, nutrient-depleting parasite to your partner . . . or you could give them a sex-ually trans-mitt-ed disease."
Snape turned back to Ron and once again, his eyes became dangerous little daggers. "Now, Weasley, unroll the condom down the length of your banana. You need to make sure your fingers are tight and secure as you push the condom down as you will need to get rid of all the pockets of air."
Scrunching up his mouth and chin, as if desperately trying to keep something inside from coming out (Like my lunch!), Ron tried to pull the condom down tightly like Snape said. But he quickly found out that even as he tried to hold the banana and keep the reservoir tip with one hand and cover the long fruit with the other, the slick surface of the condom and his shaking hands were making the demonstration wholly ineffective.
"Oh, for heaven's sake, Weasley! Give it here!" Snape grabbed the banana fiercely, and held it in place for Ron. "Now, can you manage to roll the condom down this banana if I hold it in place for you?"
Ron chose to nod instead of passing out, and he started rolling the condom down the banana. When he accidentally brushed against Snape's hand at the bottom of the fruit, Ron felt his bollocks retract up into his body.
It was a fairly painful contraction. Ron winced.
"Fair job, Weasley," Snape sneered. "You may sit. Down. Now."
Ron didn't have to be told twice.
Ron sat in the common room, practically huddled on the couch near the fireplace.
As soon as he had returned from the sex lecture with Snape, which was filled with more demonstrations, and more of Snape calling out "Weasley!" a ludicrous amount of times, Ron ran up to the boys' dormitory and took the most scalding hot shower he had ever taken in his life.
"Unclean . . . disgusting . . . bloody gross! EURGH! Never having sex . . . never having sex . . ."
Ron had then firmly planted his arse on the couch, foregoing dinner and pudding.
After all, he was fairly certain that even he would never, ever . . . ever be able to eat again.
"So, Ron," piped up Harry, plopping onto the couch next to his petrified best mate, "I guess Snape's lecture didn't help with your appetite."
Ron looked over at his famous best friend and glowered at Harry's smirking face. Hermione sat down next to him on the other side.
"Ron, you're being silly about this whole thing. You're letting the fact that Snape—"
Ron held up his hand, cutting Hermione off. "You weren't there, Hermione," he said, focusing on the fireplace. "In a mere hour, that snake-y, slimy bastard managed to completely remove my sex drive."
Both Harry and Ron could hear Hermione's eyes rolling.
"Ron," Hermione began.
"Hermione! I've been . . . been—"
"Been what, Ron?" Hermione asked in exasperation.
"NEUTERED!" Ron practically shouted in desperation. "I've been neutered, Hermione. That git, twit, idiot, prat, total and complete . . . dumbfuck . . . more than annihilated my sex drive. He took it in his greasy little fingers, crumbled it up into pieces, swallowed it, shat it out, put it in a paper bag, lit that bag on fire, and made me stomp all over it! He made me bloody celibate!"
Ron looked at his friends desperately. He saw that both of them were merely gaping at his outburst. After a couple of minutes, Hermione cleared her throat, and arranged her face in such a manner that told both boys she was stifling a huge laugh.
"Ron, Snape is just a teacher here. He doesn't have the power, ability, nor, do I think, the desire, to take your libido away. Plus, I'm sure that the lesson wasn't all that bad."
"You can't be serious, Hermione!" Ron looked at her with disbelief.
Harry nodded, agreeing with Ron. Despite his own desire to tease Ron all the way to the next century about having The Talk with that slimy git, Harry decided to side with his friend. "Hermione, this is Snape we're talking about. He's the last person anyone would ever want to discuss sex with. I'm just thankful Ron made it out of there completely sane."
Hermione sighed and leaned back into the couch. "Oh, I don't know, boys." She shrugged and grinned in a rather coy fashion. "Snape's not that bad."
Utter, stone-cold silence.
Harry spoke first.
"—Not that bad?" Ron finished, his voice quiet but nonetheless disbelieving.
Harry snapped his fingers at Hermione. "Oh my Godric! You've got a crush on Snape!"
Ron groaned. "Bloody . . . you're not serious? Hermione . . . it's Snape, for Merlin sakes!"
"Oh, just . . . just hush, you two! Don't think for one moment I don't know about all the little comments you two make about Professor Sinistra and how you'd like to aim your telescope into her quarters when she's undressing. And she's from Slytherin herself."
"Yeah, but does Sinistra hate everything Potter-related? Has Sinistra ever wished bodily harm upon Harry during one of her routine stargazing exercises? Snape's homicidal, Hermione, I'm telling you!"
"Look, I will only admit to a very, very, extraordinarily miniscule fascination with Professor Snape. Miniscule, Ronald!" Hermione snapped when it looked like the redhead wanted to take the Mickey out of her.
Ron opened his mouth . . . then promptly shut it. Looking at Hermione, he shook his head.
"Mental," he intoned. "Utterly . . . completely . . . mental."
At least he would end the day with a smile.
A/N: Please feel free to check out my larger work, Daphne Greengrass and the 6th Year From Hell, as well as my series of one-shots set within the "From Hell" universe.
Love to hear from you in a review! Thanks so much for reading.