Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
He never would have thought that Sirius would have been the one to be locked in Azkaban years from seventh year. Actually, he had expected him to be in Azkaban, but he pictured James by his side laughing about some sort of ludicrous prank they had done to get into the jail in the first place. He never pictured Sirius a murderer of his best friends. Why would he have done it? Why would he want to hurt his best friends in the world ever?
He wouldn't have killed Peter. He wouldn't have murdered Lily and James for Voldemort. It was too impossible to imagine. It couldn't be true. Remus knew that, deep in his heart, that Sirius would never betray his friends. He knew that, didn't think that, that Sirius wasn't a killer.
Several times after the incident, which had happened only a month ago, Remus considered going to Azkaban to ask Sirius. He wanted to ask James and Lily, but they were dead.
What had happened to all of his friends? They were either dead, or dead inside. Remus knew what the Azkaban guards were capable of. As much as he wanted to feel sorry for Sirius, he knew that it was too trusting of him to believe in Sirius when his faith had been ruined the night that he found out about James and Lily.
Remus had no one else with him anymore. He was in a small dreary apartment with not-really-sound-proof windows and flickering lights in his room and the kitchen.
Multiple times he had scolded himself and shut himself in his room without dinner because he was telling himself lies of how Sirius could never have betrayed them. He didn't know who Sirius was anymore. They might as well be strangers now. He can't believe everything he hears, but he can't not believe things he simply doesn't want to hear.
Sometimes he thought that his mind was simply telling the social part of his body that he had no friends left… Maybe he should fetch the friend that was still alive, killer or not…?
It drove Remus mad sometimes. It seemed like where he lived, there was no day. There was no light, and there was no sanity. There was no more Remus there.
Where was the light part of this life that he used to know? Where was the hope in his entire self when everything around him had just disappeared?
He still remembered years ago. Years ago Sirius and him were actually together. He could still feel Sirius against him, like a faint shadow, and his breath on his face. But he couldn't feel the young innocence anymore. The childlike foolishness and the hearty laugh that was so terribly contagious.
It was unnerving. Remus needed to find out the truth. There were parts of his mind that were leaning to Sirius' innocence and the idea that he murdered his friends. Remus simply couldn't make us his mind. It was so complicating and Remus knew that he was completely unknowledgeable about the subject, too.
So he would find out.
Remus sat at his musty desk, half-heartedly dusting it off with his fingers. With a deep sigh, he ruffled through his stack of blank parchments and took out one page delicately.
He sighed again as he looked for his quill and ink.
And started writing.
I really battled with myself if I should write this or not, but I think it's the best thing to do.
I'm not myself anymore. I don't know if it's because I've lost all of my friends or if it's just because I'm really confused. I don't think you're a killer, but it's hard to keep on telling myself that when you're in Azkaban and I'm here and I don't have you to believe in. You're my last hope, Sirius, because who else is there? I think that when you left you took a part of me with you, and I want that part back.
I miss you.
Whether you're a murderer or not, I want to see you. That may be rather ridiculous of me, because what if you did kill our friends? Then I'm surely signing a death wish if I come to see you. I have a lot of trouble believing you would ever do something like this to James or Lily. But I have trouble in believing in you too.
I hope that if my best friend's deaths are your blame, then this letter softens your heart. And if you weren't responsible, I hope you can prove that to me.
I feel like I'm loosing you, Sirius. The last thing I want to do is let go of the last grasp of sanity I have.
Please please please tell me that you're not a killer. Please tell me that all of this was just a big huge mistake, because dammit Sirius! I want you here more than I do myself. I want to blame you for all of this and for leaving me alone but I can't.
I want to give you a second chance. I miss you, Padfoot.
Remus wiped a stray tear from his eye and rolled up his parchment. As an afterthought, he attached another parchment, an aged quill, and half a bottle of ink to his paper with secure string. Another tear fell from his eye and onto the parchment but Remus purposefully ignored it. He brushed his fingertips along the feathery coat of his owl before attaching the parchment to its strong beak.
"Take this to Azkaban," Remus instructed shakily, "make sure the dementors don't sense you and give this to Sirius, all right?"
There had not been a response in a week. Not even in a month. Remus had lost all hope of Sirius' innocence and of Sirius' friendship when, like a pond full of clear water appearing in a dry desert, his owl returned with the parchment. Inside was not much writing, just a few words in blotchy and scribbled ink. Remus could almost feel the emotion pouring from the paper.
Come and see me. Please.
Remus just about melted. He felt as though he had been reborn at these words, just like a redivivus.
It was a pouring night of rain and darkness and thunder as he pulled his collared coat as close as he could to himself. The whistling winds were piercing at his face as he bowed down his head. He was already at the boat when the sailor looked at him grimly and furrowed his brows.
"Why are you sailing out to Azkaban on such a night, now?"
More wind whistled around them lividly. The darkness was enveloping everything, as well as the lightning and thunder in the sky far away. Rain fell onto his head.
The sailor had a chipped tooth and a dirty face, his hands wet from probably paddling, but the water still hadn't gotten out all of the dirt specks underneath his fingernails or the mud out of his stubbly beard. Remus squinted to see through the fog of the rain.
"I have urgent business with… with an old friend of mine there."
"A friend in Azkaban?" the sailor grumbled surprisingly.
"Well… he used to be a friend. I'm not sure what he is now." Remus murmured, more to himself than the other man.
The muddy sailor grunted again and stepped into the small boat. The wood croaked as he stepped in and Remus followed him, ducking his knees together and drawing his coat farther around him. He settled himself at the very end, trying not to listen to the sailor's grumbling. The crashing sounds of waves against the boat and against the rocks were unsettling to the werewolf, but all Remus could was duck his head protectively under his heavy coat. He couldn't remember how long it had been until the boat's front hit the large boulder of a rock softly and Remus opened his eyes.
Swallowing slightly, he looked up, ignoring the rain splattering into his eyes. A large boulder made of heavy rock and stone was in the middle of the ocean, with an eerie rope ladder hanging down from the top and dangling dangerously.
"Go on, then." the sailor grunted, and Remus slowly started climbing the ladder.
When he reached the top, a lightning bolt hit noisily the moment his slippery fingers clasped over the top of the stone, where the pulverized rock had turned in a slick paste from the rain. He scrambled up, entirely drenched, to see one of the most menacing sights he'd ever seen.
Cell after cell piled on top of each other, with iron bars and shadowy figures silhouetted inside. It was almost raining within the cells, where there was only one stone bench… and trays of food. The dementors must have just visited with dinner.
Gulping, Remus' eyes scanned the cells, where sharp screaming and wails of crying could be heard even through the noisy sleet. And… the third highest cell was where Sirius' shadow was reflecting, a flash of matted down black hair catching Remus' eyes.
A clattering lift which was held up by a rope – nearly just attached to the top of the building of cells – was clanking against the metal of the cell walls. Remus stepped into it, where it immediately rose and swayed dangerously against the wall of the multiple cells.
Up and up the clattering lift went, Remus clinging onto the metal rods that held the lift together. When finally –
With a grunt from the old iron, he reached the landing of Sirius' cell.
He jumped off of the lift and stepped onto the cement, his hands immediately finding the bars and clinging to them.
Sirius didn't look up. His eyes were gazing outside of the window held up by bars, which let mist into the cell.
His eyes were dark from the angle that Remus was seeing them from, but maybe when he'd look into them with his face that he'd see the impish glow of his childhood playfulness. His hair was stringy and matted, slimy black colors of coal shining onto his hair. His face was dirty and sagged, even though it still had those strong features.
"S-Sirius…" Remus croaked out, his voice suddenly hoarse and lost. He felt as though he had been born again as he saw the age in Sirius' sunken eyes, like a mother reuniting with her child or a toddler finding his long lost lollipop. It was a redivivus.
Sirius' face snapped out of his trance of staring and his eyes locked with Remus', and all of a sudden they lit up like candles.
Remus felt all of the doubt of Sirius' guilt of murdering his friends suddenly wash out of him as Sirius opened his mouth but no sound came out. The desperateness in his eyes was too intense.
"Moony!" he gasped, and ran forward. His fingers clasped around the bars which Remus was holding onto. Their skin touched and Remus twitched. How long had it been since he had heard a voice call him that – and as soft as Sirius'?
Remus closed his eyes and gulped, before opening them again and shaking his head disbelievingly at the cell. His slippery fingers let go of the cell bars as though he had been burned.
"Why the fuck are you here?"
Sirius was crying – except that he wasn't wailing hopelessly or even sobbing audibly. There were simply tears running and running down his front and Sirius ignored them as though he could not even feel them. He clutched more tightly to the bars, as though Remus was the first real meal he had seen in weeks.
"I don't know," he finally croaked. "I don't."
Remus stared fixedly at the moon, halfway full. He tilted his head at it, wiping away the small single tear under his eye – not of happiness – but of incredulousness, antagonism, and disappointment.
"It's now November," he started silently. "It's been one month, Sirius," Remus whirled around to see Sirius' shadowed face. "One whole fucking month. Lily and James have spent four weeks rotting in graves. I've spent one full moon alone scratching my eyes out. No Padfoot. No Prongs. No Wormtail."
"I never wanted to leave you." Sirius cried desperately, his eyes hopeful.
"Shouldn't you have thought about that before you murdered James and Lily?" Remus' voice was rougher than he had expected it to be. He hadn't come here for tea and crackers. He had come here for proof, and he would do whatever he needed to get that.
Sirius rattled the bars vigorously – with furiousness in his fingers and a desperate air as he let out a wild yell. The bars shook under the weight Sirius was throwing at them – especially as he punched one rusting one in agitation.
Remus turned to face him completely, tearing his eyes away from the moon.
Sirius had slid down the bars in defeat, his head in between his knees and obvious sobbing being heard now.
"You're so close," Sirius' stifled voice said, "you're so close and I can't do anything about it."
Remus sank down Sirius, the only thing separating them being rusty bars. "Did you kill them?" he asked softly, no demand or commanding tone evident in his voice. Sirius had already sunk, it was fruitless to break him any further.
All he needed was a simple shake of the head, and as he saw Sirius' head of black hair move left and right slowly, Remus sighed in finality.
Two more seconds in Remus' life that he could have died out of in relief.
He wriggled his hand in between two bars, and held it out for Sirius to grab it with his own. Sirius clung onto Remus' fingers in another two seconds. Sirius used to be so full of life, so loquacious, but right now Remus was looking at the worn and broken version of his friend.
Sirius gripped the werewolf's hand tighter, turning to face him all the way. "I still love you, Moony," he mumbled quietly, "tell me that I'm not too late. Do – do you still love me, Remus?"
Remus smiled faintly, lifting his other hand shakily to touch Sirius' cheek in a gentle caress.
"How could I stop?" he asked breathlessly, leaning forward to capture the other man's willing lips in a desperate and very wet kiss.
It was almost as if the bars between them had dispersed, and the only thing in the world was him and Sirius. Remus had gotten his proof, and now there was nothing else but love and innocence.
When they broke apart, Sirius' face broke into a familiar grin, sly and impish. Remus laughed silently at the sight before his eyes met with the sturdy steel bars.
"I'm going to get you out of here."
Sirius blinked rapidly. "What?"
"Now," Remus said, releasing his friend's hand and standing up briskly. "Change into Padfoot."
Sirius did so, his face an eager question mark. Remus watched as the dementors neared all of the cells to retrieve the food trays, drawing in his breath. He waited patiently as the looming figures of dementors neared sinisterly and drew open the cell door with a bony hand. Remus closed his eyes, waiting for the chill to leave his body. It took only a second before Padfoot came bounding out towards Remus, changing swiftly into Sirius.
The two of them stared at one another for a silent moment before Remus finally let out a breath of relief and wrapped his arms around Sirius' frame. The other man returned the embrace gratefully, burying his face into Remus' sopping hair. Shakily, they clutched one another before Sirius released him. Sealing their lips together in a kiss, Remus stroked his hand down Sirius' neck until he let his fingers toy with the hem of his black hair.
"I love you."
"I love you too, Moony."
He felt renewed, refreshed. This was his redivivus.
Sirius was back, and Remus would be damned if he would ever let him go again.
AN: I really feel like doing something for all of you dedicated reviewers out there. What would I do without all of you? You always make my day :D so I am letting you request ANY story from me as long as it's a oneshot and preferably Remus/Sirius. I'm mostly doing this because there will be a semi-hiatus during Spring Break (ten days) cause I will not be around, but enjoying my ass off in England. So I will be writing as many oneshots and updating as much I can until those ten days are up :D
Request away :P