The feel or Irken claws

by Swing-21

Summary : "'Vortians are very sweet and caring, Meekrob are shape-shifters, so you imagine the possibilities, and Thermians have these tentacles…' 'How about Irkens?' asked suddenly Dib." DADR, ZADR, One-shot, Complete.

Disclaimer : Invader Zim and all its characters belong to Jhonen Vasquez. I make no profit from this, it's purely to satisfy a twisted pleasure that I write slash.

Warning : twisted DADR, fucked up ZADR.

Author's note : Those who know me shouldn't be scared by the pairings. For the other ones, just trust me ;)

It was a one of these places that you could find all across the galaxy. Dark, dirty, filled with darker and dirtier individuals that looked at you with suspicious frowns behind their alcohol filled mugs. It was the kind of place where one went when one didn't want to be found, and as long as you paid your consummations and stayed discreet, no one would rat you out to the authorities.

Dwicky didn't enjoy being there, but his Plooklesian friends had encountered some trouble during their last weapon deal and had to lay low for a while. The human had no choice but to follow them, it wasn't the first time and certainly wouldn't be the last that the trio would have to hide from the law. He shrugged it off and drank another sip of this atrocious thing the Screw-head dared call booze. He'd tasted better stuff coming from a rat-person's ass, but he didn't want to recall the rather… unpleasant circumstances that lead to this unsavory piece of knowledge.

His two best friends were playing some kind of card game he'd never fully understood. Both were laughing loudly, always happy people, but getting more and more giddy with every glass. Dwicky was contemplating going back to their ship, but got a whiff of something that made him freeze.

It was a strong and truly unpleasant smell of smoke that shook him from head to toes.

Cigarette. That was cigarette he was smelling. But it couldn't be… Tobacco had disappeared with the destruction of Earth, a good ten years ago!

He turned around, trying to find the source of the acrid smell, and found a silhouette sitting at the bar, clothed in black, holding a glass of liquor and taking a puff of his fag. Dwicky's heart did a double-take when he realized that… it was a human.

Slowly, on shaky legs, the ex-counselor walked up to the bar, and stopped a few paces away. He could see that the other human was male, and youngish, maybe twenty or so. He took a moment to get over his shock. He hadn't seen a human since he left the Earth, and he had resolved himself to never seeing one again, for his home-planet had been totally destroyed.

But there, in front of him, stood a young man, silently pulling a drag from the cigarette. Feeling observed, the young human turned around and stared with an incredulous expression.

'…Mister Dwicky?' he breathed.

The ex-counselor was so surprised he forgot to answer. What were the odds that he met a human, member of a practically extinct species, in a dirty bar on a diminutive moon in the middle of the darkest corner of the galaxy, and that said human knew his name?

'Mister Dwicky, is that really you?' asked the young man, standing up.

'…I think,' answered the adult in a whisper.

He was not prepared to the fist that connected with his jaw. Dwicky went flying backwards through the pub and fell to the cold and dirty floor. No one in the bar lifted an eye.

While Dwicky was trying to sit back, holding his bruised jaw, the younger human advanced with an angry face.

'That was for stealing my camera, you fucker,' he growled.

Dwicky suddenly had a flash. A young boy, no older than eleven or twelve. Nervous, loud, twitchy, with an impressive list of diagnosed cases. He remembered the notes on his folder: familial neglect, need to rebel against father, unhealthy obsession with imaginary beings, delusional, repressed homosexual tendencies, need of constant attention, and so on. But then came the rest: the trap set for the green kid (how was Dwicky to know it was really an alien?); the woods, the arrival of the Plooklesians and their offer he just couldn't refuse, and climbing up the spaceship with –

'Oh, I did forgot to give it back,' he realized with a startled expression.

The young man growled and sat back on his stool. Dwicky scrambled back to his feet, heart rushing.

'Dib, I'm sorry!' he shouted. 'I had no idea – you got to understand – and your camera – I mean, nobody in their right mind – aliens do not – you've got to forgive me!'

Dib threw him a sidelong glance and seemed to analyze the sincerity of his expression.

'Whatever,' he mumbled. 'It's not as if this camera thing means anything anymore, huh?'

'You're totally right!' chirped Dwicky. 'It was so long ago, I had forgotten about it completely! So, can I do anything to repay you?'

'How about you start by buying me another one?' asked Dib, lifting his empty mug.

Dwicky, always eager to please, ordered a bottle of the best alcohol they had, and two glasses. Dib lifted a curious eyebrow.

'What are we celebrating?' he asked.

'You're the first human I've met in decades! I thought they were all…' trailed off Dwicky.

'Dead?' asked sourly Dib.


'They are,' he said with a grimace. 'All of them… And it wasn't pretty.'

'You… you were there?' breathed Dwicky. 'How…'

'The Armada came,' muttered Dib. 'The humans fought back, but… It was a disaster.'

Dib's expression was eloquent enough, so Dwicky didn't dare ask further. They stayed silent for a moment, slowly sipping from their pints. The ex-counselor lifted his eyes, staring at the young man.

'How… how did you escape?' he asked in a small voice.

'I hid aboard an Irken ship,' answered Dib without meeting his eye. 'I didn't want to, at first, because the war was raging outside, but circumstances forced me to get the hell away from there. There was nothing I could do to help…'

'…and now? How come you're hiding here?' asked Dwicky, lifting a curious eyebrow.

'I'm hiding from the Empire,' said Dib with a secretive smirk. 'I took something very precious from them, and they want it back. Let's just say I'm not in the Tallest's good graces right now,' he completed cynically.

'You've got the Irken Tallest after you?' repeated Dwicky in reverent awe. 'That's serious business! What was worth angering the Empire?'

'Revenge,' answered Dib with a mysterious smile.

Dwicky was tempted to ask, but he got interrupted.

'So, what brings you to this rat-hole, Mister Dwicky?' asked Dib with a sidelong smile.

'Oh, you can drop the Mister, you're almost as old as me!' he said with a jovial face.

It was true. Laws of time and space, as they knew it on Earth, didn't apply when one lived in space. Dwicky didn't look any older than when he left Earth, while Dib had reached adulthood a while ago.

'So,Dwicky,' tested out Dib with a somewhat amused smile, 'what have you done?'

'Oh, it's not me, it's them,' said Dicky, pointing to his passed out friends. 'They got ratted out by their last customer, turns out he was working with the law authorities. We narrowly escaped, but now we got to wait till our ship gets repaired.'

'What's their deal? Drugs? Slaves? Information?'

'Mainly weapons,' shrugged Dwicky. 'They sometimes try stolen ship parts, but it's always harder to find buyers, with all the different technologies that fight for the monopoly. You have no idea how difficult it is to get rid of Vortian stuff on the black market, since the Irkens upgraded everything to Meekrob tech.'

'Tell me about it,' grumbled Dib. 'I had to learn everything from scratch when they did that. Took me months to get a ship flying again.'

Dwicky started his second –or third- glass with an impressed stare.

'You seem to have grown a lot since the last time I saw you, Dib,' he realized with a tentative glance sideways.

'You think?' asked Dib back, with a smirk.

Dwicky lifted an eyebrow and took another sip without answering. Yes, the kid had grown. Into an pretty hot piece of ass, supplied his inner voice. Maybe it was his nonchalant expression, or the assurance he seemed to be radiating, or maybe because it was the last human left on the entire universe, but Dwicky just couldn't keep his eyes away from Dib.

At least, the younger male didn't seem to be angry with him anymore. As the hours passed, they drank more and more and talked about an infinity of subjects. Dwicky just couldn't believe how fun it was to talk to someone who shared his knowledge of Earthian things: music, food, weather, and why women always complained that they left the toilet seat up. That, and Dib was refreshing in his cynicism and sarcasm. Plooklesians were nice, yes, but ten years of sharing living space with eternally happy people did get tiring for a moody human.

'…and then she said "If horns aren't your thing, why are you dating me?!?" I didn't dare tell her I was ditching her for her sister, though,' said Dwicky with a grimace.

'I can't believed you did that!' said Dib in laughter. 'I mean, how many aliens have you slept with?'

'I stopped counting after a while,' admitted Dwicky with a rueful smile. 'A lot of time spent all alone in space…'

'This is incredible. All those different species, how do you do it?'

'Once you get over your self-imposed taboos, there's nothing that can stop you, really. I mean, yeah, I wouldn't sleep with a rat-person, but Vortian girls can be very nice. You just have to hurry to get the hell away before they realize you're not gonna ask their hand in marriage, you know?'

Dib snorted into his pint, imagining Dwicky being chased by a furious female Vortian. He himself had unpleasant encounters with that species, and those horns were no laughing matter.

'And you?' asked Dwicky. 'Tried anything… new?'

'Not since I left Earth,' admitted the young man. 'Nothing caught my eye since… and all those aliens out there just don't do it for me.'

Dwicky threw him a glance, but Dib hid his face in his mug.

'It's not that hard, you just have to focus on what turns you on,' practically purred the ex-counselor. 'Like, Vortians are very sweet and caring, Meekrob are shape-shifters, so you imagine the possibilities, and Thermians have these tentacles…'

'How about Irkens?' asked suddenly Dib, not meeting his eye.

The question took Dwicky by surprise.

'Irkens? What about them? I don't really see them very appealing, to be honest. I mean, they're so close-minded, they all act like drones, I don't see what's interesting in there. And those claws, too sharp for me, thank you very much! Wouldn't want to lose an eye in the throes of passion!'

He laughed at that, but seemed to realize that Dib had his face firmly set on the pattern of the bar. Dwicky remembered something from the past.

'It was that Zim kid, wasn't it?' he muttered.

'It's always been Zim,' admitted Dib without meeting his eye.

'…What happened to him?'

'When the Armada came to Earth, he was taken into custody by the Tallest, to face a trial. I think they just got bored of his incompetence.'

'And then?'

'I didn't exactly stay to see the end of the trial, didn't I?' said Dib sourly.

Dwicky took another sip, searching for words. They didn't seem to be coming, but he tried anyways.

'Dib… I'm sorry for that, but… you can't forget that it was just an alien,' he said slowly. 'Sure, they can get pretty interesting sometimes, but they'll never be able to understand what we're like, deep inside. Humans, on the other hand…'

'But we're the only two humans left,' replied bitterly Dib.

'That means we'll have to stick together, then,' answered resolutely Dwicky.

Dib lifted his head and seemed to study him for a long while. Dwicky held his gaze, wondering what was going through the young man's head at that moment. The silence stretched, until Dib suddenly stood up.

'I want to show you my ship,' he said while walking to the door.

Dwicky got up, threw a rapid glance to his Plooklesian friends, and saw that they were happily snoring in a puddle of beer. Those were the risks of drinking anything through an alimentation tube, it affected twice as fast. He shrugged and followed Dib out of the door.

It was dark outside, but of course, on that moon, it was always dark. Its revolution always hid it in the planet's shadow, so it remained pretty much invisible all the time. It also gave perpetual night to that town of bars, cheap hotels and casinos.

Dwicky jogged to catch up to Dib and threw him a smile, happy that the younger one had gotten his meaning. They chatted animatedly, walking in the crowded streets, and soon got to an open parking spot. They passed several impressive ships, luxurious ones, dangerous ones, stealthy ones. But nothing compared to the one that Dib pointed.

'That one is mine,' he said, with a point of smugness in his voice.

It was red and black, and looked deadly. Dwicky could appreciate the sleekness of it, and recognized Meekrob influence in its design. He spotted at least three plasma cannons and guessed it had some more deadly things hidden in its engines. In fact, it wasn't the biggest ship in the parking spot, it probably had a capacity of twenty or so passengers. But the most impressive thing was painted on the side.

'An Irken ship?' said Dwicky out loud.

'The Tallest's personal ship, in fact,' replied Dib without hiding his pride anymore. 'It's a bitch to keep discreet, but the personal rewards are worth it.'

'You STOLE the TALLEST'S personal SHIP?!?' shrieked Dwicky. 'Are you totally INSANE?!?'

'That's what people kept telling me,' replied Dib with a derisive snort. 'Proved them all wrong, didn't I? Not that they're still here to witness my victory.'

Dwicky was surprised by the look of pure loathing that crossed the younger man's face all of a sudden. But it soon disappeared into a mischievous grin.

'Care to see what a Tallest personal chambers look like?' he purred.

Dwicky woke up several hours later, aching all over, with a tremendous smile on his face. The night had been an eventful one, it had been long since he'd found such an enthusiastic partner. The fact that it was a human just added to the thrill.

He opened his eyes and noticed that the lights were dimmed. It was better than the previous night, he supposed. They were so eager to get into bed that they hadn't taken the time to find the light switch. Dib must have found it before leaving the room, because the younger human was nowhere to be seen.

Dwicky admired the room now that he could. It was enormous, to put it simply. Where he thought that twenty persons could fit, it was only one set of living quarters. He was currently lounging in a large bed, covered in soft red sheets. Fluffy pillows were strewn all around, which intrigued Dwicky. He thought Irkens didn't sleep with pillows. In fact, he'd thought Irkens just didn't sleep at all. He shrugged it off and slowly got up.

He found his clothes on the floor, and got dressed with a sated face. Yes, yesterday had been good, maybe he could convince Dib to come with them so they could share more nights like that one. Or maybe he could follow Dib around, he was developing quite a fondness the boy.

Adjusting his tie, he went to the corridor to find Dib. He caught the smell of smoke and followed it to the control room. It was covered in computers and screens, and had a main chair in the middle of it. Dib was currently sitting on it, bare feet on the main console, slowly dragging puffs from his cigarette.

Dwicky lifted an eyebrow to his attire. He was only wearing his jeans and his glasses. What surprised him was the state of his skin. Everywhere on his torso and arms were deep parallel scars. Some of them looked old, but others looked fresh and new. Their strong red color seemed to scream against the pallid boy.

'What…?' started Dwicky.

'You were wrong,' said Dib, blowing a cloud of smoke above him.

'About what?' he asked, surprised by the sudden conversation change.

'Irken claws.'


Dib turned around and pierced him with a stare so intense it scared Dwicky a little.

'They mark you,' he said. 'Forever. They take you and they never let you go. They pierce your skin and your soul, and even though you bleed you just don't want to escape because it's so fucking overwhelming.'

He stopped to smile in a way that scared Dwicky even more.

'Irkens are not like any other race in the universe. They're not sweet or gentle. They won't shower you with love, if they even know what it means. But when they take you, you're not merely a toy. You're EVERYTHING. Their hate and passion and frustration and obsession… For that moment, you're the only thing that matters in the universe. And once you've tasted that, you never go back to anything else, ever again.'

'What are you pointing at, Dib?' asked Dwicky with a raised eyebrow. 'You told me you hadn't slept with an alien, so how…'

'I told you I hadn't tried anything new since Earth,' corrected Dib with a smirk. 'Learn to listen, Mister Dwicky.'

'What? But-'

'Incoming transmission from the Massive!' warned the computer in its robotic voice.

'The MASSIVE?!?' shrieked Dwicky. 'They found you!'

'Open communication lines,' ordered Dib with a bored expression.

Dwicky almost jumped when the main screen revealed an Irken. It wasn't the Tallest, but an official looking Communication Drone. It looked worriedly at Dib, then at Dwicky.

'On behalf of the Irken Empire, you are ordered to hand back the prisoner,' it said in an imperious tone to the ex-counselor.

'WHAT?!?' shouted Dwicky. 'What prisoner? I haven't taken any prisoner here! I haven't done anything wrong!'

'Chill out, Blip,' said Dib with a roll of his eyes. 'You all know perfectly that I haven't been abducted.'

'I'm sorry, Taller Dib, but you know the procedures.'

'Yeah, whatever. I guess he wants to speak to me?'

'Yes sir, he has been very insisting on that point. I'm connecting the transmission to his quarters.'

'Go ahead,' said Dib with a nonchalant wave of his hand.

Dwicky stared at the exchange with an incredulous stare. Something very wrong was happening, but he couldn't understand how –


Dib smirked and took a long drag of his cigarette, to blow it out at the green face on the computer. The Irken in red Tallest armor was positively livid.

'Ooooh, scary,' snorted Dib.


The ex-counselor almost jumped out of his skin.

'Huh, I, huh…' he stammered.

'This is Mister Dwicky,' answered Dib with a nonchalant wave of his hand. 'We met yesterday in a bar, he was nice enough to buy me a drink, or two, or three, and then he insisted on coming back to the ship, and we fucked like bunnies on your bed, my Tallest.'

Dwicky almost died hearing the inhuman howl of pure rage that came out of the speakers. Before he could even find anything to defend himself, he was pinned down by the a blood-colored stare full of pure loathing.

'You…' hissed the Tallest. 'I will not rest until I've dismembered you with my bare claws!'

'What, but –'

'SILENCE! I will have your SORRY HEAD for daring to touch my MATE!'

The Tallest turned around to Dib, expression still murderous.

'And youuu… I will make you PAY for this!'

'Is that a promise?' smirked Dib.

The Tallest shrieked in rage and closed the connection with a bang of his fist. The only thing that broke the silence of the room was Dwicky's fast breathing. He was trying to understand what had just happened, but everything was going too fast! He had too many questions, and Dib wasn't helping by just staring at him with his infuriating smirk and that fucking cigarette of his!

'…Was that Zim?' asked slowly Dwicky, trying to place the pieces together.

'Of course it was. I told you. It's always been Zim.'

'…Explain to me what just happened,' ordered Dwicky with a frown.

Dib lifted an impertinent eyebrow, but scoffed and complied anyways.

'I guess you deserve that,' he snorted. 'Not that I owe you anything. It was all your fault anyways.'

'What exactly was my fault?' asked Dwicky, trying to contain his fury.

'The destruction of the Earth,' answered Dib with a shrug. 'It's all gone because of you.'

'WHAT? But I had left! How could you blame –'

'YOU DON'T GET IT, DO YOU?' snapped Dib, suddenly getting up. 'You stole my camera, that day! The only proof I'd ever had of the existence of aliens! I never had the chance of taking another, EVER! So when the Armada came, guess who wanted to believe the crazy kid? NO ONE! They just started to see the truth when they started attacking, and even there! The covered it up by terrorists attacks, they were ready to start another world war before admitting we were being invaded!'

Dwicky was frozen upon hearing this, but Dib wasn't finished.

'They started seeing the truth when Paris, New York and Tokyo disappeared on the same day, erased by the sweeper canon! They tried to fight back, but of course the Armada was too strong! And you know where I was during all that time? You know where?!?'

'…where were you?' asked Dwicky in an automatic whisper.

'I was in the CRAZY HOUSE FOR BOYS!' shouted Dib. 'They read the notes you'd left in my file and tagged me as dangerously imbalanced! They held me prisoner in that cell for months! I could have done something! I warned them! But who could believe the crazy boy in a straightjacket?!?'

The young man took a nervous puff of his cigarette, trying to regain his composure.

'He came to get me, you know?' he said with a strained voice. 'While the bombs were falling all around, while his people were erasing mine, he took the time to tear down the walls of my padded cell and get me out of there. Said he was the only one who would have the joy of finishing me.'

He exhaled loudly, the smoke from his cigarette engulfing his head for a moment.

'But it didn't exactly happen like he wished. After the Earth was completely erased, his leaders found our ship. They didn't expect to find me, so I could hide easily. But they took him into custody. He was to be tried for incompetence, but we all knew it was because he'd become too tall on his stay on Earth. They didn't want any sort of competition, didn't they?'

'…But, you told me…'

'He wasn't executed,' cut off Dib. 'I made sure of that. I mean, the guy had saved my life and he was the only one I had left in the Universe, I wasn't about to let them kill him. We barely escaped, it wasn't pretty, but we made it alive. And then… we prepared.'

'For what?' couldn't help asking Dwicky.

'To overthrow the Tallest, of course,' said Dib with a malevolent smile. 'It took us years, and we almost died several times. But we finally killed the guys. I took off the pak of Tallest Purple myself, did you know?'

At that point, Dwicky was simply terrified of the young man standing in front of him.

'…and what happens now?' asked Dwicky in a shaky voice.

'For me, I go back to the Massive, get yelled at by Zim, probably will get punished, but I'm a kinky bastard who gets turned on by pain, so I don't really mind,' he said with a smirk. 'He'll never hurt me too much anyways, the jerk values me too much for that.'

'And for me?'

Dib smirked, took another drag of his cigarette and blew the smoke at Dwicky's face.

'As for you… you are now wanted dead by the leader of the most powerful Empire of the Galaxy, and he's in a jealous rage. So…'

The evil look he sent Dwicky made the ex-counselor shiver with fear.

'…I suggest you run.'

The End

AN: Dib is a bastard, I know ;) So there's my pathetic attempt at DADR, it turns into a ZADR halfway through, lol.