These wounds won't seem to heal;
This pain is just too real.
Fire coursed through me; I could feel it in my very veins. Everything burned, everything stung, and everything felt as though Edward had run a knife through me instead of merely scraping his teeth into me. That's what caused this; a simple bite. For some reason, when I thought of this moment, I couldn't comprehend how much it would hurt, how much it felt as though I was dying.
Ironic isn't it? – I am dying.
When I look back onto that time when James had bitten me, and I recall the pain, I don't remember it being this intense, this… murderous. A cry sounds out as another wave of pain freshly takes me, but for some reason, it takes me awhile to realize that I had cried out, and not some stranger, though the noise sounds foreign to me. I can see Edward next to me, his eyes worried, wondering if he's done the right thing; I can see he's feeling guilty, and his lips are moving as speaks, but I don't know if he's talking to me, or someone else, because I can't hear a word he's saying through the pain, nor can I tell if other people are in the room as well, though I'm sure I remember Alice and Carlisle being there at some point through my blurred vision…
Should I comfort him? Tell him I chose this, wished it upon myself? I open my mouth to calm him, but all that comes out is another cry, another scream of pain. Now I'm wishing I'd never opened my mouth, because even though I can't hear him, I can see him, and now he looks even worse.
He's running his hands through his hair, his skin paler than normal. Even through the blinding pain can I feel the guilt course through me; I shouldn't have asked him to do this, I should have been content with Carlisle changing me. Somehow, the selfishness of my act has added to my personal hell and my body arches as another wave rushes through me. I try to minimize the pain by scrunching into a ball, but my body doesn't respond and I feel disconnected from it. Is this what hell is like?
I'm staring at him now, his copper hair shining in the light. But what light? And who is he? I'm sure I recognized him a moment ago, but my mind seems to be unable to connect that man to this, and even as I think that, I can't recall the other man's name either. Man? … He doesn't seem to be a day over seventeen… boy.
The boy's coming closer, and I try to escape him. Somehow, he seems to be the cause of all my pain, though he looks like an angel sent from heaven, and even as I attempt my pathetic crawl away from him, twitching and cringing under his cool touch that actually feels like a nice contrast between the flames of pain licking at me, I can see how my reaction has affected him. Guilt rises again, almost like bile, but that doesn't make sense. Why should I feel guilty for trying to escape from a total stranger who could quite possibly be the sole reason for my suffering?
Tears begin to form in my eyes, but refuse to fall. It blurs my site, and as hard as I try to get them to fall, they remain in my eyes, and I don't even have the strength to wipe them away. My body contracts as another wave hits me, this time even more intense. My scream burns in my throat, cutting it raw, and my nails scratch blindly at the floor, creating small grooves and splitting off.
The stranger touches me, and if I had the strength to move away, I would, but all I can do at the moment is simply scream, the blood chilling in my veins at the sound of it. I've already lost the ability to feel the fingers in my hand and my sense of time has run through – I don't how long it's been, or how long it will be; time has begun to stand still, an endless cycle of wave after wave of pain, of scream after scream.
I blink and the stranger is gone, but a cool sensation has been placed on my forehead, and something trickles down from the cool fabric to my chin – water. More importantly, cool water. It feels nice, but I barely notice it as a fresh stab of pain cuts through my stomach, more intensely than before. It feels as though a knife has sliced through me, wrenching and twisting itself.
Suddenly, I'm thirsty. Incredibly thirsty and there's nothing that can stop this thirst. I feel this is an ominous sign; a foreboding sense of danger. Will it be like this for forever, for eternity? I'm not craving normal foods, but unnatural things – blood. What kind of a monster am I becoming? This question triggers an emotion in me; disgust. Disgust… but at myself, not at what I'm becoming. I don't understand it, but before I can analyze it further, a scream begins to form in the back of my throat, but never sounds. I suppose I'm far too gone for that.
The angel faced stranger is back, this time holding my hand. I twitch, but don't pull away. Though this terrifies me, his cool hand on mine – suddenly not as cool as I remember – calms me, even minutely. I have this strange urge to blink again and I give into the feeling, but this time, when I open my eyes, they feel funny, and the world seems different, as though I'm seeing it more acutely. My eyes itch and this time, I fight the urge to blink, because I'm worried that if I do, they'll change again. My world is already tinged somewhat red, and I'm nauseous with the strength of my thirst.
I thrash; my body convulsing as I'm plunged into pain yet again. What's happening to me? The strange boy is holding me down, but I can see he's having a bit of difficulty as he calls another boy over. This one is big – huge – and together they manage to stop me from moving. But I don't want to stop, I want to be free – I want to be free to see how far I've come. I take a proper look at the newer boy and I take in a deep breath; are all the boys where I am this perfect? Is this a dream? If so, I don't want to wake up.
But I know them – my mind, it feels as though it's trying, trying so hard to remember. Their names are on the tip of my tongue and all it takes is one look at the first boy and I remember; Edward. The reason I'm in so much pain, even though I know it will all be worth it in the end. Everything; my thirst, my inability to be around my family – everything; because I'll be with him.
"Edward," I croak, the sound of my voice rasping harshly, my throat burning with the effort. My lungs stop, and I frantically scratch at my throat, my breath gurgling as I try for my life to hang onto that last bit of air, my lungs burning as I fight it. Edward grabs my hand, pain etched onto his face though I don't know what's hurting him.
I feel the last beat of my heart before my world goes numb and the pain subsides. It feels so weird, and I'm painfully aware of the stillness of my body, the hard texture it's achieved. I choke back a sob as I sit up, the movement far too fluid to be my own. My thirst, the burning thirst hits me as I look around, and I fall back, caught unawares. The impact of my body hitting the ground does not faze me and I look into Edward's eyes from my position on the ground, noting the worry there. For the first time, I think about what I've done, and if it was the right thing. But then a surge of love hits me as he smiles and I realize; of course it was the right thing. I'll love him forever and he'll love me, and now, we get to spend eternity together.
I may not need to breathe and my taste in food may have changed slightly, but eternity with you is the sweetest thing in my world.
The lyrics at the beginning of the page are by Evanescence. Hope it didn't deviate too much from canon-verse.