- Emmett POV -
Alice and Jasper waited impatiently for me to explain my failed disguise. The plan seemed effective, until Alice had recognised me in her vision and Jasper came home early from hunting and followed me all the way here.
Gar! It's impossible to keeps secrets from this family. Edward had better not find out. I mean if he did, all this humiliation would be for nothing.
Jasper interrupted my train of thought, "Come on man," he paused, "I mean woman, what are you waiting for?"
I grumbled, it would be easier to defend myself if I wasn't being bombarded with Jasper's emotion controlling abilities. Not that they were much good before, I thought back to my embarrassing moment with that mad old hatter.
Speaking of the devil, she shuffled past pushing her trolley full of cat food, swearing profanities at me under her breath. She stood on her tiptoes, trying to reach the talcum powder. I laughed out loud, it was so funny when short people, in particular Alice, can't reach stuff.
My laugh caught her attention, she turned, glaring. "You, boy! Show your elders some respect and help me out."
Dammit, why was the camera always turned off at the wrong time? "Sure, I'd love to help you out… which way did you come in?"
She began to hit me with her handbag again while Alice and Jasper looked on in hysterics. If they could piss, they'd be pissing by now!
"Young man, I'm going to have a word with your four-eyed nutcase of a father while you go suck on a stick you anatomically incorrect skanky crackpot who gripes about the psychotic skunk! You're a demented illiterate chicken molester!"
"Well shit fire and save matches!" I spat in her face, "I don't give a rat's tail you bone crunching hag you!"
At that, she stormed off, leaving me screaming insults I'd gathered for the past century.
Jasper grabbed my wrist, but I wasn't letting that old ecstasy loving hobo get away. She was going down. And fast!
Finally Jasper managed to calm me down enough to prevent me from wringing her scrawny neck.
He turned to Alice, "Did you get all that?"
She smiled sweetly, "Did you even have to ask?"
I laughed, but found myself suddenly pinned to the shelf. Alice had reached her limit! "Now, enough distractions," she growled, "Tell me what is going on!"
The amount of time she spent hanging out with Edward was becoming apparent as she lost her temper yet again.
The old lady stuck her head through the shelf: "You go get him, girl! Give him all he deserves!" At that she quickly hobbled away.
Before I could grip her measly wrist, Jasper brought my emotions back under control.
I looked at Alice's impatient face, "Well," I huffed, "I thought that since Edward wanted a special wedding, we would have a special Buck's night," I exclaimed, like a little child.
Alice's brow puckered: "Buck's night?"
I answered with a wide grin, "Oh yes, it's the latest thing." I flicked my hair.
Jasper smiled appreciatively, "Nice one, bro!"
"How come I couldn't see?" she whined.
My grin widened. "Quill and I have become pretty tight since the whole Newborn thing. So naturally, he's invited."
"Emmett, did you come up with the plan all by your little self?" Alice questioned, evidently impressed.
"Are you questioning my superior intellect?" I asked, slightly offended that they saw me as the stupid one. At least I had good moves, I thought to myself smugly.
I turned to Jasper, "So are you in?"
"Definitely," he replied enthusiastically.
"This is going to be so much fun!" Alice squealed, almost jumping up and down.
Jasper and I turned to her simultaneously, he spoke gently, "Honey, you do realise that this is sort of a… well… manly event?"
Her face fell, "Can't you at least let me help plan it with you?"
"Umm no, I don't think so," I replied, trying not to be too harsh on the midget. But a Buck's night really wasn't a place for a girl to be, except for the strippers, of course.
Her eyes narrowed, "Well, I can see where my planning skills aren't appreciated," she huffed and stormed off.
I sighed as Jasper immediately followed, and I soon chased after them until I found myself sprawled on the ground, the wretched witch prodding my face with her walking stick. "Watch where you plant that thing woman!" I shouted. "Was it really necessary to trip me over?"
She cackled, causing her nicotine stained fake teeth to come sliding down in slow motion and land smack bang in the middle of my mouth, splattering me with spit.
I was paralysed by shock but eventually spat them out, where unbelievably, the old hag picked them up and put them back in her mouth. She then gave me the finger and exited the scene. I mean, come on, since when did an old bitch stick up her rude finger?
I turned around, to find Alice's video camera in my face. She was the interviewer, and I her god dam interviewee. "So, Emmetta," she asked in mock seriousness, "How did that make you feel, being outsmarted by a mere mortal, and an old one at that? Angry, sad, suicidal?"
I growled. Moving right along. I faced Jasper, ignoring Alice completely. She tried to speak but I cut her off, "Talk to the hand cos' the face ain't listening." Alice pouted, crossed her arms and stamped her foot like a three year old.
"First things first, our guest list." I went down the list, counting with my fingers. Okay, so maybe I was the stupid one. "I was thinking of keeping it small, Edward obviously, you, me, Carlisle, Eleazar, Maxwell, Quill, Embry and please can we invite Aro," I pleaded, "He's so freakin' awesome and always up for a good party, especially if people taking off their clothes is on the agenda."
I noticed Jasper looking sideways at Alice, laughing awkwardly. She looked from him to me, shaking her head, muttering "Edward is going to kill you two, right after Esme, Rosalie and I are finished."
"Awww come on Alice, don't be a spoilsport! You know the look on Edward's face will be priceless, I'll even video tape it for you. Pweeze?" I said, battering my eyelashes.
She pursed her lips, but didn't argue further. Anyone that knew Edward as well as we did, knew that he would be flippin' furious and it was oh so much fun to torment my innocent little brother!
"Next thing," my eyes glinted with glee, "Activities!"
Alice interrupted, her face smug, "Before we get started, I just wanted to inform you that if you do not let me help, than Edward will know sooner than you can –"
"– Alice, that won't be necessary. I have something you can plan all by your little self," I interrupted, "You can do the Hens night!"
"Really Emmet," she scoffed, "Why would we need hens. You know they don't taste any good."
"Gosh, Alice. Maybe I should take you back to the mental institution," I joked, shaking my head.
Jasper laughed and ruffled her hair fondly, "No silly! It's for Bella!"
Understanding washed over her face. She laughed, "Oh, like the girl version of a Buck's night!"
We walked to the check out, so that Alice could purchase her shopping, I eyed the evil rabbit suspiciously, and when it moved towards me slightly I growled and flexed my muscles. That will show it who is boss!
Something jabbed my butt, I turned around, pushing up my sleeves. The old bitch was going to get it. She gave me a large toothy smile as I shuddered, and waved tauntingly. Grrr!
Before she could leave, I grabbed the evil bunny. "Hey you, you psychotic festering corpse, I have a vampire bunny and I'm not afraid to use it. So there, stick that up your pipe and smoke it!"
Alice:flashlight flickers on, illuminating face-
(says in a threatening, dark tone)
WARNING MORTALS: if you do not review, your pancreatic jucies will be taken hostage by a purple, sparkly alien life-form who goes by the name of Timmy Jnr.
Dont let the name full you, you unsuspecting peasants, because it is merely an acronym for something much MUCH worse.
behold! his true identity!
- an evil old man with a bad back rises from random puddle on the ground -
Evil-old-man-with-bad-back: (raspy russian accent) vell hello my feellow minions! velcome to my parlor of death! prepare to face the rathful rath of vell.. MEE!! MwahahahhaahahhahaHA!
Edward: pssh. what a push over. -pushes over evil-old-man-with-bad-back-
Gosh dear sister, is THAT -glances over to the evil-old-man-with-bad-back flailing around on the floor trying to get up- the best you can do?! we need reviews fool! REVIEWS i say! how is an evil-old-man-with-a-bad-back, who goes by the name of timmy jnr, going to scare anyone?! geezz. -pats alice on the head- this death threat angle just isnt working for you is it? perhaps you should try something new?
Alice: -SNARLS- i. can. so. be. scary. -pulls scary vampire face-
Edward: -laughs and points-
Alice: ohh just you wait and see dearest brother... just you wait and see... when you least suspect it... i will be there... waiting... for you... always waiting... very scary... pee your pants... if you could pee... that is... -mutters off into distance-
(voice suddenly dramatically increases in volume) (to you the reader) and as for YOU! rabid reader!
REVIEW!! REVIEW I SAY!! please for me?? -pouts- how could you ever say no to this face?
-looks up to you with wide pleading eyes-
-corner of lips trembles-
with sugar on top?
i will love you forever.
and for those who review every chapter I will see what i can do and try to set you up with anyone of your choosing. except for Jazzypants because he is MINE! ALL MINE! GET YOUR HANDS AND EYES OFF HIM! -GROWLS THREATENINGLY-
-loud cough- yessum. thats right. and if you want to higher your chances, review our other story! titled: "Love letters? Pshh More like Sibling Rivalry" SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?? REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!!
ps: happy easter -insert smily face here- BUT ONLY IF YOU REVIEW!!
- insert evil crazed, slightly histerical, laughter here-
-disapears with a swirl of vampiric cloak in a puff of glittery smoke-
-you hear alice's evil echo in the wind: REVVIIEEWWWW!! REEEVVVIIIEEEWWWWWW!!