Ten Ways To Annoy a Fukutaciho
Disclaimer: Je ne parle pas anglais and I don't own Bleach
In accordance with a recent meeting at which Yamamoto-soutaicho had been slightly drunk, he declared that all the captains had to write up lists of the ten ways they annoy their Fukutaichos, except himself, because he had more important things to do; Kurotsuchi because there was already perfect documentation on how he tortured his subordinates; and Ukitake because he did not have a Fukutaicho to annoy. Ukitake-taicho proceeded to burst into tears and was taken out of the room. It's a crack of an idea, but bear with me.
Soi Fong's List
10. Tell Omaeda how ugly he is.
09. Tell Omaeda how fat he is.
08. Tell Omaeda how easy he is to kill.
07. Tell Omaeda about a particularly talented rabbit that might take his job.
06. Do all four of the above on his birthday, in front of his family.
05. Leave Suzembachi in its released state at the office.
04. Use Suzembachi to gesture at various things, close to his face.
03. On one occasion, actually stab him.
02. Refuse to remove the butterfly on the basis "It covers up your ugliness"
01. Before he hands in his reports, yell "Inappropriate use of grammar!" and destroy his work.
Ichimaru Gin's list Private
10. Convince him that Emo guys get chicks
09. When said statement is found false, tell him he isn't depressed enough
08. When he's in fourth division, offer to pull the plug for him
07. Tell him most Emos are bi-sexual
06. Subsequently seduce him
05. Subsequently turn up to the office naked
04. On the day his mother was visiting.
03. Turn him against the woman you're really sleeping with
02. Implicate him in your plot against Soul Society
01. When he's at his most confused, leave him for the guy who did it to you.
Unohana Retsu's list
10. Serve fishcake in the fourth division
09. Transcribe her sleep talking
08. Post said transcription on internet
07. Start fights with the eleventh division
06. Take leave immediately after said fights, leaving her with all the patients
05. Get her sister to post an article about embarrasing childhood moments on the internet
04. Encourage more sleep talking by any means necessary
03. Upload a pod cast of her sleep talking onto the growing blog
02. Edit said pod cast to make a vastly popular song
01. Be there to comfort her after she finds out, thus deflecting suspicion
Aizen Sosuke's list Private
10. Promote a girl who admires you beyond comprehension
09. Use Kyouka Suigetsu to make her incapable of living without you
08. Fake death to provoke great emotional trauma
07. Convince her that your real vice captain killed you
06. Let her fight him for a while
05. Convince her that her best friend killed the central 46
04. Let her fight him for a while
03. Stab her
02. Stab her best friend
01. Leave her for dead
Note: Soutaicho, I enjoyed researching this task so much I felt it only fitting I write a list of twenty ways to annoy/frighten/endanger my lieutenant
20. Turn up to work unshaven and half-asleep
19. Take a picture of his expression
18. Place picture in sixth division yearbook
17. Donate large amounts of cherry blossom trees to Gotei 13
16. Plant several outside his apartment
15. Use Senbonsakura to convince him that cherry blossoms are stalking him
14. List "Fear of cherry blossoms" in the sixth division yearbook
13. Use Senbonsakura to make a pink glittery afro on his head
12. Take a picture
11. Save the picture for next yearbook
10. Convince him that his hair is turning white Note: Sorry for the trouble his wailing caused
09. Suggest he would look good in a kenseikan
08. Enforce said suggestion
07. Use the word "Scatter" more in conversation
06. During sparring matches, aim low
05. Especially with Senbonsakura
04. Cover his bed with cherry blossoms while he is sleeping
03. Photo - Yearbook
02. Whisper "Kageyoshi" whilst nearby
01. Repeat from the top
10. Tell him he was only promoted because you were blackmailed by his mother
09. Make him remove his sunglasses in your presence
08. Turn up to all his important social occasions
07. Ban alcohol in your division
06. The day before Octoberfest
05. Make mask part of division uniform
04. Make him remove his mask in your prescence
03. Berate him for taking off his mask if he does
02. Tell him he might be demoted
01. Tell his mother
Note: Due to Kyoraku-taicho being permanently inebriated his lieutenant completed this work for him
10. Only ever call her by an inappropriate name
09. Never do any paper work
08. Drink constantly
07. Sleep when not drinking
06. Sleep until late in the day
05. Wear an obnoxious straw hat
04. Wear an obnoxious flowery kimono
03. Do your hair in a obnoxious style
02. Refuse to be clean shaven for work
01. Continue to look appealing throughout the whole process
Tousen Kaname Private
10. Pretend to sleep in the office
09. When he comes to wake you start screaming "My eyes! I can't see!"
08. When he delivers his report, act as if you can't see him
07. Randomly bump into him, blaming bad eyesight
06. Walk in on him with a woman, yet pretend not to see what's going on
05. Be secretly video taping the proceedings
04. Post the video on YouTube
03. Poke out both his eyes, make it a level playing field
02. Betray the Gotei 13, leaving him as your successor
01. In the weeks before, generate a sizable backlog of work for him to do
Note: Though many of these methods are effective Matsumoto fukutaihco's bubbly personality seems to be almost indestructible. This is a source of much frustration to anyone trying to annoy her / exert authority as a captain.
10. Tell her Yamamoto-soutaicho banned sake in the Sereitei.
09. Attempt to enforce said ban.
08. Tell her the truth, hence ruining her bootlegging business overnight
07. Tell her Kurotsuchi finally beat Nemu to death, and she's the replacement
06. Make her wear her uniform in a less... revealing manner
05. Rub it in that a kid achieved Ban Kai and got promoted above her.
04. Have her breasts classified as biological weapons
03. Attempt to talk her into breast reduction surgery
02. Try to set her up on a blind date
01. With Omaeda
10. Tell her the fourth division is stronger than she is
09. Let somebody else ride up on my back
08. Stop listening to her directions
07. Kill all the hollows before she gets any
06. Tell her she's too short to make captain
05. Deny her anything
04. Especially candy
03. Side with Ikkaku when she bites him
02. Tell her you're thinking of dating
01. Let her realise for herself why you're not allowed to have too many sweets before bed-time.
A/N: Yay! It's complete! If you don't like some of the items on the list, review it and suggest a replacement, though remember to tell me who and which number yo want replaced. If you don't understand something, review and I'll gladly explain/change the piece to be more legible. I was also thinking of doing a sequel to this where the fukutaichos have their revenge, review if you want it. Thanks for reading, I really liked writing this one!