Ten Ways To Annoy a Fukutaciho

Disclaimer: Je ne parle pas anglais and I don't own Bleach

In accordance with a recent meeting at which Yamamoto-soutaicho had been slightly drunk, he declared that all the captains had to write up lists of the ten ways they annoy their Fukutaichos, except himself, because he had more important things to do; Kurotsuchi because there was already perfect documentation on how he tortured his subordinates; and Ukitake because he did not have a Fukutaicho to annoy. Ukitake-taicho proceeded to burst into tears and was taken out of the room. It's a crack of an idea, but bear with me.

Soi Fong's List

10. Tell Omaeda how ugly he is.

09. Tell Omaeda how fat he is.

08. Tell Omaeda how easy he is to kill.

07. Tell Omaeda about a particularly talented rabbit that might take his job.

06. Do all four of the above on his birthday, in front of his family.

05. Leave Suzembachi in its released state at the office.

04. Use Suzembachi to gesture at various things, close to his face.

03. On one occasion, actually stab him.

02. Refuse to remove the butterfly on the basis "It covers up your ugliness"

01. Before he hands in his reports, yell "Inappropriate use of grammar!" and destroy his work.

Ichimaru Gin's list Private

10. Convince him that Emo guys get chicks

09. When said statement is found false, tell him he isn't depressed enough

08. When he's in fourth division, offer to pull the plug for him

07. Tell him most Emos are bi-sexual

06. Subsequently seduce him

05. Subsequently turn up to the office naked

04. On the day his mother was visiting.

03. Turn him against the woman you're really sleeping with

02. Implicate him in your plot against Soul Society

01. When he's at his most confused, leave him for the guy who did it to you.

Unohana Retsu's list

10. Serve fishcake in the fourth division

09. Transcribe her sleep talking

08. Post said transcription on internet

07. Start fights with the eleventh division

06. Take leave immediately after said fights, leaving her with all the patients

05. Get her sister to post an article about embarrasing childhood moments on the internet

04. Encourage more sleep talking by any means necessary

03. Upload a pod cast of her sleep talking onto the growing blog

02. Edit said pod cast to make a vastly popular song

01. Be there to comfort her after she finds out, thus deflecting suspicion

Aizen Sosuke's list Private

10. Promote a girl who admires you beyond comprehension

09. Use Kyouka Suigetsu to make her incapable of living without you

08. Fake death to provoke great emotional trauma

07. Convince her that your real vice captain killed you

06. Let her fight him for a while

05. Convince her that her best friend killed the central 46

04. Let her fight him for a while

03. Stab her

02. Stab her best friend

01. Leave her for dead

Kuchiki Byakuya

Note: Soutaicho, I enjoyed researching this task so much I felt it only fitting I write a list of twenty ways to annoy/frighten/endanger my lieutenant

20. Turn up to work unshaven and half-asleep

19. Take a picture of his expression

18. Place picture in sixth division yearbook

17. Donate large amounts of cherry blossom trees to Gotei 13

16. Plant several outside his apartment

15. Use Senbonsakura to convince him that cherry blossoms are stalking him

14. List "Fear of cherry blossoms" in the sixth division yearbook

13. Use Senbonsakura to make a pink glittery afro on his head

12. Take a picture

11. Save the picture for next yearbook

10. Convince him that his hair is turning white Note: Sorry for the trouble his wailing caused

09. Suggest he would look good in a kenseikan

08. Enforce said suggestion

07. Use the word "Scatter" more in conversation

06. During sparring matches, aim low

05. Especially with Senbonsakura

04. Cover his bed with cherry blossoms while he is sleeping

03. Photo - Yearbook

02. Whisper "Kageyoshi" whilst nearby

01. Repeat from the top

Komamura Sajin

10. Tell him he was only promoted because you were blackmailed by his mother

09. Make him remove his sunglasses in your presence

08. Turn up to all his important social occasions

07. Ban alcohol in your division

06. The day before Octoberfest

05. Make mask part of division uniform

04. Make him remove his mask in your prescence

03. Berate him for taking off his mask if he does

02. Tell him he might be demoted

01. Tell his mother

Kyoraku Shunsui

Note: Due to Kyoraku-taicho being permanently inebriated his lieutenant completed this work for him

10. Only ever call her by an inappropriate name

09. Never do any paper work

08. Drink constantly

07. Sleep when not drinking

06. Sleep until late in the day

05. Wear an obnoxious straw hat

04. Wear an obnoxious flowery kimono

03. Do your hair in a obnoxious style

02. Refuse to be clean shaven for work

01. Continue to look appealing throughout the whole process

Tousen Kaname Private

10. Pretend to sleep in the office

09. When he comes to wake you start screaming "My eyes! I can't see!"

08. When he delivers his report, act as if you can't see him

07. Randomly bump into him, blaming bad eyesight

06. Walk in on him with a woman, yet pretend not to see what's going on

05. Be secretly video taping the proceedings

04. Post the video on YouTube

03. Poke out both his eyes, make it a level playing field

02. Betray the Gotei 13, leaving him as your successor

01. In the weeks before, generate a sizable backlog of work for him to do

Hitsugaya Toshiro

Note: Though many of these methods are effective Matsumoto fukutaihco's bubbly personality seems to be almost indestructible. This is a source of much frustration to anyone trying to annoy her / exert authority as a captain.

10. Tell her Yamamoto-soutaicho banned sake in the Sereitei.

09. Attempt to enforce said ban.

08. Tell her the truth, hence ruining her bootlegging business overnight

07. Tell her Kurotsuchi finally beat Nemu to death, and she's the replacement

06. Make her wear her uniform in a less... revealing manner

05. Rub it in that a kid achieved Ban Kai and got promoted above her.

04. Have her breasts classified as biological weapons

03. Attempt to talk her into breast reduction surgery

02. Try to set her up on a blind date

01. With Omaeda

Kenpachi Zaraki

10. Tell her the fourth division is stronger than she is

09. Let somebody else ride up on my back

08. Stop listening to her directions

07. Kill all the hollows before she gets any

06. Tell her she's too short to make captain

05. Deny her anything

04. Especially candy

03. Side with Ikkaku when she bites him

02. Tell her you're thinking of dating

01. Let her realise for herself why you're not allowed to have too many sweets before bed-time.

A/N: Yay! It's complete! If you don't like some of the items on the list, review it and suggest a replacement, though remember to tell me who and which number yo want replaced. If you don't understand something, review and I'll gladly explain/change the piece to be more legible. I was also thinking of doing a sequel to this where the fukutaichos have their revenge, review if you want it. Thanks for reading, I really liked writing this one!