Ichimaru Gin was bored. Actually bored, in itself, can not possibly contain the necessary magnitude of how fricking bored he was. The amazing thing was the power he found in this boredom. He had once painted Las Noches pink in the space of two hours while Aizen and Tousen were out at the cinemas, while under the influence of this boredom. In this case the boredom manifested itself in the form of memory. That time he spiked ol' Yama's drink and the resulting idea about the lists of how to annoy certain people had been great fun. And it was time for the fun to be resurrected.
Ten Ways to Annoy an Espada
Note: This time the lists are named by their targets and not the writer.
10. Compare him to those British Guards
09. Do the cheap touristy thing
08. Ask why his hakama somehow have pockets
07. Investigate p.s. Hakama NEVER have pockets
06. Ask why he painted his face to look like a clown
05. Make Ulquiorra masks, "So everyone can look this depressed!"
04. Give said masks to Grimmjaw
03. Beat his sorry ass for comparing my smiling to his depressed look
02. Enter him in a "Saddest clown in the universe" contest
01. Kick him in a very private area to see if his expression will change
Tousen Kaname was going through his mid-afternoon ritual of checking through Gin's quarters. It was an idea begun after the pink-incident "Which nobody shall ever know happened" He assured himself. He had to get the edge on Gin and that meant getting in here daily and finding out what was about to happen. This time however, there was nothing of interest. Apart from a piece of paper on the work table. He was liking it. Liking it a lot. He did remember where this came from, and how much fun he'd had. He was going to continue this thing.
p.s. Don't ask how the blind man read the damn paper. Perhaps Gin writes in brail.
10. Ask if sticking his finger in a powerpoint was really worth it Have you seen his hair?
09. Offer him help with his eating disorder Shouldn't there be a stomach or something there?
08. Set him up on a playdate with Wonderwiess
07. Give him cat nip
06. Distribute cans of mace labeled "Grimmjaw-B-gone" See Valentine's in Seireitei
05. Chop off his arm
04. Replace him with Luppi
03. Ask if he's considered getting his teeth bleached, all his teeth
02. Throw cold water on him cats hate getting wet
01. Chop off the other one
It was Lilinette, the fraccion of the espada Stark who found the loose piece of paper rustling through the halls of Las Noches. She quickly figured out what the idea was behind the lists and by extension why Grimmjaw had been going nuts recently. She decided that it was her duty to Aizen-sama (The Great Arrancar Excuse For Anything or TGAEFA) to continue with these lists. And she had a feeling she knew exactly who to annoy.
Ten Ways To Wake Up Stark
10. Shove your hand down his throat
09. Try and rip off his mask
08. Dunk cold water on him
07. Pour scalding herbal tea on him Aizen-sama said it calms people down
06. Give him coffee intravenally
05. Cut off his air circulation
04. Play his least favorite music, extremely loud
03. Give him a shave It's not my fault I'm clumsy with a razor
02. Stick your hand through his hollow hole
01. Grab his testicles
During some chores later that week, she dropped the paper near the sixth Espada palace. Luckily Il Forte found the paper before Grimmjaw did, and after what seemed a lifetime of his hamster like brain working he realised that according to TGAEFA he should continue the list. However lacking the ability to think well enough to insult anyone, even Renji, he just got one of his brother's pen-pals to write the list, one KM.
Szayel Aporo Grantz
10. Release all his test subjects
09. Question the sexuality of a man with pink hair
08. Emphasize the ability to reproduce is inherently female
07. Therefore establish within the scientific community that he must be a hermaphrodite
06. Publish results supporting this thesis in his favourite scientific journal
05. Call him "Four eyes" Il Forte's contribution
04. Have Kojiki Ashigo Jizou faceplant on him
03. Switch his anti-depressants with acid
02. Publish the results of this experiment in his favourite scientific journal
01. Put a patent on asexual reproduction so he has to pay you every time he uses that ability
Very few people know this, but there is more than one great prankster within the walls of Las Noches. As much as Gin is feared for his great japes, there is one practical joker within the Espada who dwarfs even his abilities. In order to allow him to move with better ease, to completely avoid suspicion, he adopted a mask of utmost emotionless, so he would never be suspected. It so happened that while laying a trap for Grimmjaw in his own palace, Ulquiorra came across what was now a few sheets of paper detailing lists of how to annoy the Espada. And he then did something no man has ever seen and lived to tell the tale. He smiled
10. Leave a note for Halibel, from Stark, detailing plans for the evening
09. Leave a note for Grimmjaw, from Halibel, detailing the same plans for the evening
08. Tell Yami there are lots of defenseless women at the same location
07. Leave a note for Szayel, from Aizen-sama, requesting he demolish the cinema at 7:15 tonight
06. Tell Noitorra that Grimmjaw was spreading rumours about him and Neliel
05. Tell him where to find Grimmjaw at 7:15 tonight
04. Hire male escorts for all Halibel's fraccion and send them to the cinema
03. Tell Aizen-sama that some of the espada are planning a coup at 7:15 tonight
02. Sit back, watch the show, fire a couple of ceros into the mess
01. Having absolutely ruined Halibel's night, suggest she kick Gin in a very private place revenge
Being the stick up the ass he appears to be, and to appropriately deflect any blame that could be placed on him, Ulquiorra handed in the lists to Aizen-sama. Let it not be said that God doesn't have a sense of humour.
10. Tap on the glass
09. Tell him Shiba Kaien was ten times the man he'll ever be
08. Ask him which head is in charge
07. Buy him a 'girlfriend', essentially two female goldfish
06. In order to give them some more 'intimacy', place the girls inside his head capsule
05. Refuse to remove the dead goldfish
04. Encourage the rumour Araniero left the dead girlfriends in because he's a necrophiliac
03. Make him try and drink tea, through the glass
02. When he fails, pour the whole pot of scalding tea into his tank
01. During his suffering tell him you will release him from all pain, while muttering "except for all pain"
It is commonly known that Noitorra hated Neliel Tu Oderschvank, the third espada of the day. His betrayal is now known to most people. But what few people know is what actually triggered the betrayal, the fly the broke the horse's back as it were. Or the praying mantis that broke the old goats mask perhaps? Well, it all began when Neliel found some sheets of paper with lists on them.
10. Get cutesy with him
09. Tell him the size of his blade is a form of overcompensation
08. Insult the spoon shapédness of his outfit
07. During fights, stab your sword through his hole It pisses him off soooooooo much
06. Tell him his obscene hieght is a form of overcompensation
05. Refuse to draw your sword on him
04. Point out that at number five, he is clearly not the most powerful espada
03. Point out that he's been spending a lot of time with Szayel
02. Ensure someone walks in on the two of them, when Szayel is on top
01. Call him a wild animal