Standard Disclaimer: Characters belong to JKR.

Introduction: This story is one of my entries in Ms. Figg's "100 Ways to Kill a Weasley" collaboration/challenge on adult fanfiction .net

Warning: Sexual content and character death and very crass language in this one from me. I don't know where it came from. In fact, I don't know where this entire story came from. It just sort of poured out of me. Help! I'm possessed. Eeep!



In The Garden






Snape wasn't so bad once you got to know him, Ron Weasley thought. After getting over the shock of surviving the end of the war and making peace with his past, Snape had actually gotten kind of fun to hang around with. He was as wicked funny as he was smart, and had become Ron's favorite drinking and chess buddy. After all, it was way too weird hanging around with Harry and Ginny. How's a guy supposed to eat when his best friend's making out with his sister across the table? Inconsiderate fucking sicko's.

And, gods, the sex talk! Ron and Sev couldn't point out a great arse or pretty set of tits without Harry bleed'n Potter bringing up Ginny's assets. Ron would invariably turn to Sev and pretend to choke on his own vomit and Severus would make a remark about what a stunning rack Lilly Evens had. "I use to love watching her run down the stairs when she was late to class …" he'd begin, and Harry would turn bright red and excuse himself. Then Ron and Snape would fall apart laughing.

For Ron and Severus, there was no going to Grimmauld place without one another and giant bottle of Ogden's. Hermione didn't seem to mind too much. She liked old Sev enough alright, Ron guessed. And Sev was nice to her, to her face at least. He'd often pretend to nod off while she droned on about her new book, or stand behind her and make like her reciting Luna and Neville's wedding plans made him want to take his own life. Ron did his best to keep a straight face and nod and hum appropriately so she was none the wiser.

Hermione wasn't a bad sort of bird. A bit boring and bookish, but fiery when she got excited about something. Unfortunately that something was never Ron. In the past year poor Ron had hardly gotten past second base with her. Some kissing, a little bit of tongue, a few gropes, and she was sending him home with a raging hard on to face the sniggering of the garden gnomes as he stood in the flower bed and wanked off into the daisies before walking though the back door to greet the only woman who never let him down; Mum.

Meanwhile, Snape was getting more pussy than he could handle. Something about being a double agent or something, Ron guessed. Witches practically came all over themselves when he so much as whispered in their ears. On the nights when Ron would tie one on so as not to make it home, he'd go home with Sev and whatever witch struck Snape's fancy that night.

One night when Ron stayed over at Spinners End, he woke up to take a piss and on his way back to bed took a look in Snape's room to see what all the commotion was. Snape had three witches draped over his bed and was taking turns giving it to them.

Ron stood in the door, jaw to the floor, and gaped.

"Oy, you want to join us?" Snape panted as he pounded into the mewling raven haired beauty in the middle from behind.

"I... I ... don't think Mione would appreciate it," Ron stammered, swallowing a mouth full of drool.

"You don't think she'd appreciate a wizard who knows how to fuck? Maybe that's been your problem all along," Snape groaned as the dark haired girl sunk down, laying her chest on the bed and tilting her arse up to give him better access.

"Have a go with Daisy, here," Snape playfully slapped the blond on the arse, and she looked back at Ron with lusty approval.


The irony was deafening.

If he was going to spill his seed in another daisy, it may as well be this one. And maybe having a bit of experience would help matters. Had Sev ever steered him wrong before?

Ron strutted up to Daisy, dropping his robes open along the way, revealing a rather impressive erection. Not as impressive as Snape's, but Daisy eyed it greedily all the same.

"Be gentle, love," Severus purred to the girl, "It's his first time."

Daisy smiled coquettishly and gasped in shock as Ron rubbed his erection against her opening.

"Not like that, you idiot!" Snape snapped, "You need to prepare her first."

Snape withdrew from the witch he was with, caressed her thighs, arse, and back adoringly. "Roll over, my beautiful Violet," he requested gently.

Violet rolled over and Snape turned to the auburn haired girl to his right and said, "Let's show him how it's done, my darling Rose."

Rose crawled over to Severus, and he gently cupped her face and brought her in for a kiss. First he covered her top lip, sucking gently, and then he moved to her bottom lip. She returned the favor with a moan. After a little back and forth, he gently probed her lips with his tongue, requesting entrance. Rose obliged, and before Ron knew it, he was getting his first lesson in making out.

Severus explained how a man must pay special attention to a woman's reactions as he kissed her. "You don't want to rush it, that will ruin it for her and get you tossed out. Concentrate on her pleasure,"

As he kissed Rose, he caressed her face, petted her hair, and ran his fingers along the shell of her ear. As his hands moved down her throat, his lips followed, peppering her with kisses at first to find her sweet spot, and then gently sucking and laving it with his tongue.

"Every woman has a spot here," he kissed Rose's throat again, "that is particularly arousing. Pay attention to it, it's the doorway to the next stop."

As he continued to suckle and lave Rose's sweet spot, his hands slowly traveled down her body to her breasts, which he lightly skimmed over, teasing the delicate skin and allowing her to press herself into his hands for a firmer touch.

Ron began to kiss Daisy, following Severus' lead. She was very responsive, tugging him in for deep, penetrating kisses, and pressing her breasts against his chest.

As Severus moved down Rose's body, Ron followed suit with Daisy until both men had a face full of glistening quim. Ron was completely overwhelmed and looked to Severus to learn the next move.

"Now this is very important. It's not a race to make her cum," Severus supplied as he gently slipped his finger into Rose, "It's a slow dance to win her admiration. Always pay attention to her reactions." Then he dipped in and began gently licking and sucking.

Ron watched for a moment, and then turned his attention to Daisy. It wasn't long before Ron had learned the art of cunnilingus, bringing Daisy to a screaming climax. He lifted his face, wiped his chin, and turned to Severus who grinned and brought his hands together in applause. Rose and Violet chimed in while Daisy beamed at him in a haze of sated bliss.

Ronald Weasley was king of the fucking world.

Throughout the night, he learned a lot about how to please Daisy while Severus pleased the hell out of Rose and Violet. He didn't feel guilty about cheating on Hermione because he was doing this for her, after all.

After escorting the girls home and grabbing some breakfast at the Hogshead, Ron turned to Snape and said, "You're a great teacher, mate. If only potions had been this much fun, I'd have gotten an 'O' on my N.E.W.T.S."

Severus laughed, "Don't get too far ahead of yourself. Besides, potion making is fun when you're making a potion you care about. Just like making love to a woman, it takes patience, keen observation, and practiced skill to brew a good potion."

It was Ron's turn to laugh, "And what sort of potion do you compare to making love to a woman?"

"Lots," Severus answered, "especially the ones that are made to enhance sexual experiences."

"You mean lust potions?"

"No!" Snape hissed indignantly, "I would never give a lust potion to a woman. Besides being illegal, it's disrespectful as hell. Not just to her, but to yourself. If you can't make a woman cum on your own, you have no business sticking your cock in her in the first place."

"Then what sort did you mean?" Ron asked.

"Stamina potions to shag hard for a long time before cumming, potency potions to be able to do it over and over again, flavored and sense heightening lubes for sensual massages, size enhancing potions …"

"How come I've never heard of these before?" Ron asked incredulously.

Severus laughed, "It's not the sort of thing that going to be in 'Advanced Potion Making,' but they're pretty common in most sex magic books."

"Sex magic?!" Ron gaped, "Now there's an area of magical study worth learning."

In that moment Severus knew he had facilitated in the creation of a monster. Ronald Weasley was determined to learn everything there was to know about the magic of fucking.


Outside of buying and trading in his text books, Ron had never set foot in the book shops in Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley. Now he eagerly tagged along when Hermione went in to pick up her orders and browse the new release section. He got romance points for taking interest in her hobbies while simultaneously getting to look though the adult section for books on sex magic.

Things with Hermione were already heating up after his first lesson with Daisy. He had patiently kissed her, remembering to pay attention to her reactions and find her sweet spot. Once he did, he ignored the hammering in his chest and painful restriction of his trousers and continued pleasuring her until he felt the door open. Now instead of groping at her breasts and being summarily rejected and sent home, he gently skimmed them until she pressed them into his hands. Within a week, he got to touch her quim for the first time before she came to her senses and told him it was time to go before things got out of hand.

Instead of going home to wank, he paid a visit to Miss Violet, who had surreptitiously offered a follow up lesson. Sev wouldn't care, and better Snape's garden than his mother's.

As the weeks went by, Ron became a sex addict. At first Severus thought it was quite amusing, but as time went on, he began to worry about Ron. Worse, he began to worry about Hermione. She had no idea what Ron was into these days, and was bound to be heart broken by the young Lothario. Severus had intended to show Ron how to be considerate and romantic to earn Hermione's desire, not to become a base seducer who would fuck anything that moved just to learn a new trick.

When Ron showed up for drinks carrying a book, Severus knew something ill conceived was afoot. Sure enough, Ron thumped the book down in front of Severus and opened it to the page he had marked on Casanova's Elixir.

"No," Severus said firmly, and slammed the book shut.

"Why not? It's perfect! It's just what I need!" Ron exclaimed.

"No," Severus argued, "What you need it a fucking reality check, mate. What are you doing? Have forgotten about your girlfriend?"

"Which one?" Ron joked.

"That's not funny," Severus replied seriously, "I didn't teach you those things so you'd become a habitual cheat. You were supposed to be learning how to please Hermione, not the whole fucking female population."

"But I am learning how to please Hermione, just last night I warmed up that cold little fish so quick, it didn't take me five minutes before I had my fingers in her cunt," Ron smiled smugly.

"See," Severus shook his head in disgust, "That's what I'm talking about. Listen to yourself. Her cunt? For fucks sake, Weasley, I wouldn't use that word to describe a one night stand. You just used it to describe Hermione. Hermione!"

"So what," Ron spat defensively, "She's my girl, I'll call it whatever I want. Her cunt, her twat, her goddamn fuck-hole!"

Not wanting to listen to another word, Severus stood up, dropped a few sickles on the table to pay for his drinks, and donned his cloak.

"Oh, so you're leaving then?" Ron began accusingly, "What, are you jealous? You want her for yourself, is that it?"

Severus shook his head incredulously. The fact of the matter is that he was jealous. For all the women that flocked to him, none compared in the slightest to Hermione. But he accepted that she could never feel the same way, and only wanted to see her happy. He knew now that it would never happen for her with a man like Ron.

He met Ron's eye coolly and steadily, and replied, "I want her to have better than you."

Just before he walked out the pub door, he turned to Ron and said, "Before you consider brewing something as dangerous as Casanova's Elixir, for once in your life, do your research. It isn't child's play."

"Piss off!" Ron yelled at Snape's retreating back. "Child's play my hairy white arse," he mumbled bitterly.

Hermione kept silent in the booth in the corner where she and Luna had been sitting, talking about Luna and Neville's wedding plans. Luna was never very good at consoling people, usually saying the exact wrong thing, so she just reached out for Hermione's hand and squeezed it tightly while silent tears rolled down Hermione's cheeks.

That night Ron ignored Snape's warning and brewed Casanova's Elixir from the directions in his book. He was going to need it for what he had in mind. Tonight he planned to break his record of 4 girls in one night, and check off at least 10 more positions in his Kama Sutra book.

After washing down the potion with a few shots of Ogden's, Ron began to feel a bit of a tingle in his loins. He grinned mischievously and scanned the club for his first conquest of the night. As he started chatting up the first girl who struck his fancy, he felt himself getting hard. Very hard.

Shit, he thought, I can't let her see me like this. She'll think I'm some kind of premature ejaculater.

He excused himself to use the loo and secretly wank off before he took the lovely girl home, and felt himself getting harder and harder with each step. By the time he got into a stall and freed his erection, it was massive and a scary shade of purple. He closed his eyes, picturing Daisy with her legs spread wide while he stroked himself. Instead of getting closer to climax, he just got harder, and bigger! He didn't think it was possible. He had to be bigger than even Snape at this point.

He proudly stroked his length and went back to thoughts of Daisy, but it was no use. He then thought of Violet, then Rose, and finally the whole row of blossoms opened before him. After about 5 minutes of wanking and getting no where but bigger and harder, he started to panic. The girl he left at the bar must think he's got the runs and has probably gone off with some other chap. Fuck it. He still couldn't leave in the condition he was in.

He thought of every girl he'd been with over the past three weeks, but still didn't get any closer to relief. He was really getting nervous now. Finally, as a last ditch effort, he closed his eyes, took a deep breath and conjured up an image of Hermione. Only she wasn't spread out before him like the others. She stood, hands on hips, eyeing him angrily and tapping her foot.

"About time you thought of me you miserable cheat!" she hissed in his head.


Not what he wanted to see at all.

But he couldn't get her out of his head! First she ranted about his cheating, and lying, and poor treatment of women. Then she went on to complain how he had always counted on her to bail him out of his problems, using her ideas, her notes, her perfectly prepared potions ingredients. Then she stopped and smiled wickedly at him.

"Even for this, you counted on me. Coming to my flat and raiding my potions stores. Never crossed your mind that I was on to you did it?"

"What have you done to me?" he bellowed in the empty bathroom.

"You've done this to yourself," she hissed, then turned around to answer the knock at her door, opening it to find a smiling Severus Snape on the other side.

That hook nosed, greasy son of a syphilitic whore!

She invited him in, took his cloak, and then wrapped herself around him. He eagerly accepted her advances, and before Ron knew it, he was watching Snape seduce Hermione out of her clothes.

They moaned and writhed on her bed, and horrified as he was, Ron couldn't help but enjoy the show. He had never seen Hermione act so wantonly.

She eagerly took Snape's cock into her virginal mouth. She looked up at him adoringly as he moaned his praise for her beauty and skill, petted her tenderly, and encouraged her gently by taking her hands in his and showing her how to stroke his shaft and massage his sack while rolling her tongue over his mushroomed head.

She was always a fast learner and Ron's mouth hung open as he watched her work her mouth around Snape's tool, groaning with her own pleasure and building arousal. Finally, Snape stopped her, kissed her sweetly and began traveling down her body to return the favor.

This can't be happening, Ron thought, this is just a really elaborate, fucked up fantasy.

Hermione sighed as Severus peppered her thighs with kisses, and gently skimmed his fingers over her mound. She gasped when he licked her, and then again when he slipped a slender finger into her and gently worked it in and out of her. Soon he covered her clitoris with his lips and began to suckle and lick her, flickering rhythmically with his tongue until she began to tremble. He added another finger, and felt her tighten. He continued working her with his skillful tongue and soon her trembles became shuddering quakes as he brought her to orgasm. "Oh, oh, oh gods," she cried. Then Snape gently removed his fingers and caressed her as she came down from her high.

Damn, that was hot.

Ron distantly got a look at his big purple cock as he stroked it. A bead of precum had gathered at his tip, and he gently stoked himself while going back to concentrate on Hermione.

Severus crawled up her body, peppering her with more little kisses on the way, until he was face to face with her. He kissed her again, and she moaned at the experience of tasting herself on her lover's lips.

"Do you want to keep going, love?" he asked as he spread her moisture around with his fingers.

She seemed to freeze for a moment, considering whether or not she was ready to lose her virginity on this night, in this way, with this wizard.

She slowly nodded yes and opened her thighs a bit wider in invitation. Instead of diving in as Ron would, Severus cupped her face and kissed her slowly, deeply, and passionately. "You mean so much to me," he said softly, "I'm afraid we're rushing."

"I'm ready," she breathed, "I want this. I want you."

With her assurances of her desire, he tilted his hips down to position himself at her entrance, and slowly swirled his head around, gathering her moisture. When he was sufficiently slick, he began to push into her, paying close attention to her reactions. He paused to kiss her when he felt her tense, offering again to wait. In response, she pressed herself against him, pushing him into her a bit further. He pushed with her, sliding in a bit more, then pulled back. He pushed in again and touched her barrier.

"I don't want to hurt you," he whispered, kissing her tenderly.

"You won't. I took first night's potion," she smiled a coyly, a pretty blush adorning her cheeks.

He raised his eyebrows and smiled a proud and relieved smile, "If I knew things were to go this far …"

"I know," she smiled, "you would have made it for me."

He nodded, a blush rising to his own cheeks.

"You feel so good already," she sighed as she pulled his hips, encouraging him to enter her fully, "Make love to me, Severus."

He obliged. He felt her barrier tear, but she didn't flinch or wince. She only gasped and clenched around him in passion at the sensation of being so completely filled. He waited for her to let go before he began to stroke her, and then took her lead as she tilted her pelvis and pulled on his hips in a gentle pace.

Severus had never looked as blissful as he did while he gently pumped his hips, sliding in and out of Ron's fiancé. Ron wanted to gag, to rage, to do anything other than compulsively masturbate to the image of Hermione cumming on Snape's cock. But that's exactly what he was doing. She moaned and pleaded for Severus to go faster and deeper as she spiraled toward orgasm, and Ron felt himself building toward his own release.

"Severus," she gasped as she grabbed his hips and ground against him, "Oh, oh, oh gods!"

Snape's brow was creased in concentration as he had been holding back his own release for several minutes now. As Hermione began to pulse around him, there was no more holding back. Her walls clamped down around him and he came like a rocket, spilling his pearly essence into her with a staggered groan.

Ron reached his pinnacle as well, jet after jet of hot liquid spraying the wall before him, before collapsing in ecstasy.


Hermione sat at the table across from Severus in what appeared to be stunned silence. She had a wan look to her, as though she may faint at any moment. He reached out and took her hand.

"No," she pulled back, "I don't deserve it."

"No one deserves to suffer this sort of tragedy," he offered.

"No. I mean your comfort, your concern. I don't deserve it," she said softly, still wide eyed as a doe in headlights.

"What are you talking about, of course you deserve ..." he began.

"I killed him," she cut in.

Severus stopped talking. Stopped breathing. Her? She killed him? He got up from the table and began to pace, threading his fingers through his hair and shaking his head, "What do you mean, you killed him? You made the potion?"

"No," she replied, "he stole the ingredients from me. I knew what he was doing and I … I …"

"What did you do," he asked, his heart in his throat.

"I charmed them so he would see what I wanted him to see."

"And what did you show him," he asked cautiously.

"I showed him a fantasy of myself, giving my virginity … to you," she whispered the final words.

He was even more taken aback by her second confession than he was her first. She fantasized about giving her virginity to him? He eyed her carefully and noted the blush that stained her cheeks, her shame fighting for supremacy over her guilt and fear. He stopped pacing before her, sank to his knees, and took her cold little hands in his.

"You didn't kill him," he said honestly, "it wasn't the connection you created, or the vision you used to hurt him. It was the potion itself. He had a bad reaction, one that isn't uncommon. I tried to warn him …"

"I know you did," she nodded,

"You know?" he questioned.

"Yes," she replied softly, "I was there, at the Hogshead, in the corner. I know what you tried to do for him, for us. You told him to stop and think of me, but he wouldn't. He couldn't. And you said I deserved better. And he hated you for it. But I … I…"

"What?" he asked, his heart beginning to race.

"I chose you because of it, not just to hurt him, but to let him know that I knew I deserved better than him and that was what always held me back."

He didn't know what to say to that. It felt a bit unseemly to take her in his arms and kiss the living daylights out of her while Weasley wasn't even in his grave yet. But, gods did he want to. And she wanted him to.

They sat in silence for a long moment before she spoke again. "Did he know he was dying when it happened? Did it hurt?"

"I guess that depends. Did it break his heart to see us together? I don't know. From what the coroner said, it was the negative effects of the potion combined with his orgasm that killed him."

"He had an orgasm from what I showed him!" she gasped, "That .. that .. that pig! That pervert! I hope he rots in hell!"

"Let's not damn him to hell, Hermione, he may not have been able to help it. Besides, I think it's enough that his cock exploded like a 5 knut firecracker, don't you?"

She didn't mean to laugh, but she did. And then she cried.

And he held her.

Three days later, they stood at Ron's grave. It was a bit awkward. Ginny and Harry knew they had become very close over the past few days, and Hermione could feel Ginny's eyes boring into her back as she stood with her arm laced through Severus'.

Ron's spirit weaved through the crowd, feeling sad that his young life was over, proud that so many distinguished people had shown up to pay respects, and embarrassed that they all knew how he had met his end. If only he had listened to Severus. Now he looked on as Hermione rested her head on Snape's shoulder and Severus rested his head atop her curls in turn.

His beautiful Hermione.

She did deserve better than him, and he knew he could rest easy that she would have it with Severus. Then he looked back at his mother and the opened grave before her and didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Molly couldn't bear to be parted from her youngest son after all that she had suffered. She was starting to feel as though she had more family inside the cemetery than outside of it. And so it was that Ron was buried at The Burrow, nestled between the rows of flowers, to spend eternity in the garden.



Finite Incantatum




Author's Note: Another huge thanks to Ms. Figg. If you liked this story, please go to and check out "100 Ways To Kill A Weasley" and perhaps you'll feel inspired to join in the fun!