Ten Easy Steps To Seducing Your Hot Virgin Vampire of a Boyfriend

disclaimer: These are not my characters -they are all Stephenie Meyers!; only the silly plot belongs to me.

The vampires are vampires; humans are humans.

This story starts off after Edward rebuffs Bella's modest advances in their newly acquired bed in Edward's room. But things take a turn for the better for these two lovesick kids when Alice takes things into her own hands. Never bet against Alice!

Chapter One: Charlie's Tube Socks and Sex Don't Mix


I laid face down on the pillows covering Edward's beautiful four post bed-a gift for me. A gift that I thought meant he was finally ready. I couldn't have been more wrong. " Be reasonable, Bella," he said. " Be patient, it's not the right time yet, " he said. Tears stained my cheeks and all I wanted to do was figure a way out of the Cullen house and back to Charlie's.

"Bella, can I please come in, honey?" Alice closed the door behind her before I could even answer. She slinked down beside me and began to brush my hair back gently with her fingers. "Edward asked me to come in and check on you, and he wants you to know he isn't listening to my mind right now. What's wrong?"

"Oh, Alice," I flipped over in her direction and began sobbing quietly again. "I feel like such an idiot. A bumbling, awkward, ugly-"

"Woah, woah, woah. Calm down Bells. What happened?"

I paused- Do I have to spell it out for her? Bed, me crying, Edward downstairs? I just shook my head and left it at that.

Alice rolled her eyes. "Stop Bella. You know you're the sister I've always wanted. Never be embarrassed with me. Spill." She kissed me on the head and went back to combing my hair with her fingers.

Sigh...I might as well get it over with. " I put myself out there tonight, Alice. I finally got the nerve up to ask him. You know how hard it is for me to put myself out there for anything, let alone...this. And when he said no...and then," I started breathing heavier," and then...when he rushed out of the room like that--"

Alice held up a traffic cop stop hand at that moment, with her head curiously hanging to her side. " You ASKED him? To make love to you right now?"

I let out a muffled "yes."

Her head nodded to the side even more. "You asked him to make love to you while wearing your plaid flannel Tigger pajamas?"

Where was she going with this? "Yes...?"

"You asked him to make love to you in your plaid flannel Tigger pjs...and...you do realize you have two dabs of zit cream on your chin right now and socks that look like you stole them from Charlie's drawer?"

I shrugged. "My feet are cold."

We stared eachother for a good 5 seconds before we began laughing hysterically. "Bella, I love you more than you'll ever know!" She ruffled my hair and then promptly took my face into her small hands while giving me a very intense stare. These Cullens and their face grabbing with two hands...

"Bella, you are the woman in the relationship,. You never need to ASK! You hold the power-not dumb old Edward!" She shook her head at me, completely flabberghasted at my apparent obliviousness.

"And you are a bright, beautiful woman at that who my brother loves more than anything...everything."

I began to shake my head furiously with adjectives like "beautiful." I felt like an unwanted little troll at the moment, with zit cream dots on top. Alice tightened her grip on my head to stop the head shaking.

"Bella, if you want to consummate this relationship, you have to start thinking and acting like the sexy woman that you are. NOT the scared little Bella girl who covers her face with her hair and mumbles. I know you like to retreat to THAT Bella at times, but it's not going to be enough for this mission. The sexy womanly Bella knows what she wants and doesn't ask-she just grabs what she wants without apology!" She winked at me with a mischievous smile. I giggled and nodded sheepishly at her.

"And Bella, never question whether Edward wants you. Did it ever occur to you that he might be just as scared as you? Not about harming you either since you are still human, Bells. That's his excuse. I know he would never hurt you or lose control.I think he's afraid though of letting himself want you in ways he doesn't see appropriate for you as his "angel."

I crinkled my nose at the thought-Edward scared? It never even occurred to me. I thought he simply didn't want me the same way I wanted him physically.Alice could see her words were slowly sinking in. She smirked shrewdly.

"Bells, Edward puts you on a pedestal. A very high pedestal at that too! He sees you as some angel that should never get herself dirtied or corrupted by his own needs and desires."

Wow-she was good. It was true that he always treated me with so much respect, it almost felt uncomfortably reverent. I sometimes felt like an antique vase the way he handled me so carefully--TOO carefully. I sighed, "Oh, Alice. I think you are right-but what can I do about it?"

"Look at you right now, Bella, in your pjs and socks. You look as angelic and innocent as Edward actually thinks. But WE know better, don't we?" Let's just say when Edward isn't around, me and her can speak like truck drivers as she tells me about all her adventures with the apparently "gifted" Jasper-military precision isn't his only talent apparently!

"It's time you let Edward see you in a different light. As a strong young woman who not only wants him as much as he wants her, but who has the ability to seduce even the most uptight, repressed virgin vampire known to man."

My eyes rolled with that last remark. "Me? Seduce? I"m the one wearing Charlie's tube socks-remember?"

She winked at me. "You also are the one with Alice on your side." She closed her eyes for a couple minutes, and then abruptly opened them with an impish grin. "It's set in motion. Stick with me, Bells, and you will single handedly seduce my ice cube of a brother come Prom Night-two weeks from tonight." She smugly nodded her head.

I raised an eyebrow. "Prom Night? Edward and I aren't going to Prom."

Alice glared at me. "You are if I say you are. And you are now. It's crucial to the scheme."

I started whinely reflexively. "I hate Prom, Alice, you know th--"

Alice cut me off abruptly. "Listen, what do you hate more-prom or not getting laid?"

With that I collapsed on her with laughter. We were laughing so hard, we didn't even it see it coming-when we both rolled off the bed together and fell with a big thud on the ground. It didn't stop us from laughing-we only started howling on top of it.

Within an instant of us falling though, Edward was outside the door knocking. "Bella, love, are you okay?"

Alice rolled her eyes dramatically. "He probably thinks you fell off your pedestal." She raised an eyebrow and said, "He has no idea how far his angel is going to fall in the next two weeks!" She was starting to scare me with all this seduction talk...

"Let me get our plan in motion with Edward. He can't have any idea what we are really up to." She jumped off the bed, paused one more time and slowly turned around. " Oh-and this deadbeat, nonaction slumber party you are having with Edward? Cancelled. 12 year old girls get more action playing spin the bottle at slumber parties than you two are getting with this collassal bed!"I scowled at her but she just threw me a kiss.

'Instead, you will be automatically registered with Alice's "All Night Sensual Seduction Boot Camp"-located one story down. You have five minutes to get down there or else it's 40 pushups!'

"What's the price of admission?" I played along.

"One pair of ugly Dad tube socks that are need of a major bleach cycle."

She winked at me and glided out the door to meet Edward.



I paced back and forth at the bottom of our staricase, hoping Alice could make things better. She usually could-Bella and her had grown very close over the last six months in particular. Bella's always wanted a sister, and nothing made me happier than seeing her gravitate towards my most favorite sibling of all.

But I wasn't sure Alice The Great could fix this mess. I felt sick inside when I thought what went down just a half an hour earlier. I told her several times how much I wanted her, that it was just the wrong time. But her face told me she thought otherwise-that I didn't want her enough. IF she had any clue.

I try to only let her see the "17 Year Old Virgin Edward," the "Good Son of Esme and Carlisle Edward," the "1917 Young Gentlemenly Edward." Because those are the only Edwards worthy of my sweet Bella. Bella, who's lips have never kissed any other lips than mine, who casually bounces on my lap while wondering why my eyes are rolling to the back of my head("No, Bella, I'm fine-I just have something in my eye...yes, both eyes actually, isn't that a coincidence?"), and thinks my insistence of holding her books throughout the day at school is a sign of me being a gentlemen-not because I'm trying to hide the various pitched tents the girl gives me with the slightest touch in public.

I want to hold back as long as possible from introducing her to " 100-Year-Old-&-Horny-As-Hell Edward Who Wants to Jump Bella's Bones." Because once that dirty bastard is unleashed, I don't think he'll be going anywhere. Just as I protect Bella from my bloodlust for her, I protect her from my Bellalust as well.

Bella thinks she wants me in that way, but she's not ready. I know she's not. Her hormones might be, but not her mind and heart. Even tonight when she propositioned me, she could even say "make love." She asked me if I wanted to, "you know." I cracked up just thinking of her face at that moment, completely flushed, eyes turned downward, biting her pouty lower lip self consciously.

If she could just be patient and wait until she's truly ready and not worry what she sees everyone else doing on Cosmopolitan Covers and Gossip Girl and MTV. Damn that MTV! It's ruining these kids nowadays.

Just then, I heard a crash in my bedroom. I ran up to the door and asked Bella if she was okay. She undoubtedly slipped for the millionth time today. I told her to only wear socks with treading on the bottoms when she's on wooden floors. Note to self: buy Bella some new tractioned socks the next time I'm in Port Angeles.

Just then Alice stepped out and blocked me from entering my bedroom. She poked me hard in the chest, scowled at me profusely and growled, "You. In my bedroom. NOW."

That doesn't sound good...