"Sirius was lounging in his chair at his ease, tilting it back on two legs. He was very good-looking; his dark hair fell into his eyes with a sort of casual elegance neither James' nor Harry's could ever have achieved, and a girl sitting behind him was eyeing him hopefully, though he didn't seem to have noticed." (Snape's Worst Memory)
I caught myself staring at him today.
It was an accident that it even happened in the first place. I had finished with my Defense Against the Dark Arts exam early; I had nothing else to do! I began to daydream, imagining myself in another place, another time...and then I realized I was staring at him.
Not even staring.
More like eyeing him hopefully, like he would notice me or something.
Truth be told, I don't want him to notice me. I'm not one of those girls who like to fawn and fall over him at all; it was a mistake that I even looked at him. I blame my imagination – it was getting the better of me. I just happened to look over, and he was there, leaning back on his chair. His dark hair falling ever so gracefully in his gray eyes – and there I go! I'm doing it again!
I'm not like those other girls! The reason being that I don't want him to notice me back. I don't want him to look at me like I'm perfect for him or something. The very thought sends a shiver down my spine. I can't even fathom it.
We're not even good for each other. I'd go crazy if I ever dived into a relationship with him. We're opposites. I'm quiet; he's loud. I'm shy; he's outgoing. I'm as innocent as can be and he's...well, not. We'd probably have nothing to talk about, nothing in common, nothing to keep us together. We're just not compatible as a couple.
Not that it matters. He'd never look my way in the first place. There's nothing special about me that would get him to notice my presence. To him, I'm probably just that Gryffindor that sits behind him in class. I don't even try to get the seat behind him; it just sort of happens sometimes. I'll be walking into class and there'll be that nice open seat right in the middle of the room. And I'll sit there and then, five minutes later, he'll walk in with his group of friends and sit right in front of me.
One day, I even tried to convince myself that he sat in front of me because, just maybe, he fancied me. Every little thing he did furthered my conclusion. When he looked in my general direction, smiled my way, even when he blinked facing me. And then I'd start to worry that the stuff I did would start to drive him away. During one class, I grew anxious that maybe he didn't like it when girls wore their hair up. Almost guiltily, I withdrew the rubber band from my hair. And then the next day, I realized it was all my imagination. He still had no clue who I was.
Maybe I just like looking at him. Maybe I like imagining how we would be if we were together. Maybe I just like to pretend – but never act. That's why I find myself eying him in the middle of a daydream.
But there's nothing I can do about it. I would never want to be with a guy like Sirius Black.