Summary: Chase tells House about an overly friendly patient and can't help but mock him when he notices House's jealousy. House/Chase preslash
Disclaimer: Own nothing. If I did Tritter would have lost his job and wound up a homeless nutcase, Vogler would have died from a tragic illness, and the old lackeys would have ever been replaced.
Author's Note: House is slightly out of character, but I tried to keep the sarcasm as best I could.
Author's Note 2: This takes place sometime during season 3 with a made up patient, and I don't mention any real medical stuff. I'm pre-law, not pre-med.
And now, on with the fic!
"New patient!" House called cheerily as he limped into the conference room. Sitting at the small table before him were his three lackeys, Foreman, Cameron and Chase. For some reason they never referred to each other by their first names. Well there were a few times, but that was either to A.) Manipulate, B.) Mock, or C.) Make a deathbed apology. But the older man shrugged the thought away. He hung his cane onto his white board and tossed the blue folder to each of his employees. They caught it (albeit awkwardly) easily.
Immediately they set to work going over the medical record. House turned his attention to the white board, picked up a black marker and started writing the symptoms on the board.
"He's had how many sexual partners?" Foreman, the oldest of House's lackeys, asked incredulously. House just smiled. He had already read the file so he already knew the answer. But damn was it funny watching his fellows react.
"Three hundred in the last year." Cameron spoke up, just as shocked as Foreman. She pulled her glasses off and stared at House with her jaw to the floor.
"Are we treating Gene Simmons?" The final member of the team asked. Of the three of them, Chase was the only one who didn't jerk his head up to stare at House. Instead he turned towards Foreman and Cameron.
House scoffed. "I wish." He turned back to the white board and wrote something over the list of symptoms. It read "Popstar." "Nope, we're treating a random every day pop star." He underlined the word and turned back to the younger doctors.
Cameron rolled her eyes. "Oh right, nothing weird about that." She looked back at the file for the name of the patient. "Billy Ardent." She looked back up. "Never heard of him."
Everyone stared at her as if she just grew a second head.
"Seriously?" Foreman asked. Cameron shook her head and he chuckled. "Even I've heard of him, and I don't listen to that crap." Cameron rolled her eyes again.
"Wasn't he in a boy band back in the nineties?" The Australian piped up.
"Yeah," House started. "And I'm sure you had his poster plastered over your bedroom, but can we get back to the point at hand. He's sick. Differential Diagnosis?"
"Drugs?" Foreman started, as usual.
"Could be an STD," Cameron added. "The amount of sexual partners he's had I wouldn't be surprised."
"Neurosyphilis?" Foreman leaned back in his chair ever so slightly.
"That would be my guess." Chase had yet to say a word. Instead he stared at the file, completely ignoring his colleagues. House's eyes stopped and stared at him every few seconds. Partly to see if the young man was still alive, and partly because he was just too dam pretty not to look at.
"What if we're wrong?" He finally said. House mocking flew back towards the board at the first sound Chase made in several minutes. The blond ignored him and went right on talking. "What if he didn't do it to himself? It could be an infection."
"The man is sleeping with hundreds of different women. It's either sex or drugs." Cameron said annoyed.
"The tox screen was negative." Chase pointed out.
"So that means he was sober on admittance, it doesn't mean he doesn't use." Foreman said equally annoyed.
"I'm just saying we should do a lumbar puncture just to be sure." Chase looked up at House expectantly. He probably thought his angry boss would throw out his idea within two seconds. House probably would have too, but for some reason, he couldn't help but notice Chase's lips looked lushly pinker today. Interesting.
"Foreman look for drugs, Cameron run an STD panel, and Chase do an LP." He grabbed his cane and went off towards Wilson's office. His lackeys immediately went to go do their tasks.
Two Hours Later
Cameron was down in the lab awaiting the results of the STD panel of one, Billy Ardent. Foreman was still at the man's hotel looking for drugs, and Chase was back at the patient's room poking a really big needle in the guy's back.
Billy was clutching his knees as the needle made contact with his skin and started digging. "So," he said out of the blue. "How long have you been a doctor?"
Chase crinkled his forehead at the question. "A few years." The needle was fully in.
"I'm just saying, you don't strike me as the doctor type." Now Chase was even more confused.
"And why is that?" he grabbed a vile and held it under the LP needle. Liquid slowly started dripping into it.
"I don't mean to offend you, I just think." Chase pulled the vile away, grabbed a gauze pad and pressed his fingers against Billy's back. He groaned. "That you're way too cute to be a doctor." He groaned again. Chase looked up.
"What's wrong?" He pulled the needle out of Billy's back as quickly as he could without causing him damage. "Does something hurt?"
Billy groaned again. "My stomach."
"Roll over on your back." Chase helped as the man did as instructed. "How bad is it?" he pressed his fingers into random spots around Billy's stomach and stopped when the other man groaned.
"Not too bad." He groaned again. his eyes were shut and a slight smile played on his lips. Suddenly the blond Australian realized that the groans weren't groans of pain. He also realized just where his hands were when that one groan erupted.
Twenty Minutes Later
Chase stormed into House's office, completely furious. "There is no way in hell I'm going near the patient again!" he yelled. House just stared at him unblinking.
"Ok," he said uncaringly. "Care to share with the class?" He leaned as far back in his chair as it would allow. Chase just fumed. He looked sexy when he fumed.
"No!" He calmed down a little. "I'm just, not going near him." He placed his hands on his hips. House never understood why he did that. Probably trying to make himself look tougher than he really was.
"Yeah. Here's the thing; as his doctor, you have to go near him to treat him."
"Yeah, but you're not me. My job is to send you out to do some ridiculous tasks that I want you to do. In order to do those tasks you have to be in the same viscinity as your patient. I know it's cruel, but that's life." He thought for a moment. "Why don't you want to treat this patient? I figure you'd enjoy treating a boy bander. Give you something to wank off to."
"You've got it backwards." He blurted out accidentally. Really, he didn't mean to say it, it just came out. House's eyebrows shot up towards his hairline.
"Do tell." Chase just sighed heavily. There was no way in hell he was telling his boss that the patient got a hard on that easily.
But what if it's a symptom?
Hyper sensivity? Maybe the guy was a total masochist. He did feel pain, but it came off as pleasure. Damn it! Now that was making sense! He'd have to tell House if that was the case.
But then again, what if it isn't the case? I mean, he was a tad bit flirty. Maybe he just got an erection really easily. If that was the case, there was no way in hell he'd tell House.
So which is it?
"I think there might be a new symptom." And he was telling him! Oh this was going to be embarrassing. "Hyper sensitivity."
Chase's face felt hot as he uttered the word, "pleasure." He could just feel the jokes House was going to make at that one.
But he didn't start laughing. His face grew grim. Curious. "What are you saying?" Like it wasn't obvious, but he still wanted to hear the words for himself.
Chase looked down at his feet. "Billy," pause, rewind, and do that over. "When I was doing the LP, he, sort of," he paused again. He wasn't really sure just where to go with this.
"Out with it!"
"I barely touched him, and he got," another pause. His face grew even hotter, and he knew it was red to match. "an erection." And bring on the jokes!
House leaned towards his desk, and placed his elbows on the flat surface. He didn't look amused. He looked, well, pissed. "Are you saying you gave the patient a boner?" Chase nodded meakly. "And you think that might be a symptom?" Another nod, this one more aggravated. "Or maybe, you felt him up, and that's why he got the erection."
Chase glared. "I was checking for stomach pain!"
"Ah! So you admit you were feeling him up." He was trying to sound amused, but in reality, he was angry, and growing angrier by the second.
"It was a test! He groaned! I thought he was in pain!" Their voices were raising and people in the hallway kept stopping to listen.
"Yeah, because groaning is always associated with pain." House leapt up from his seat and limped over to the door. He wasn't leaving, he was shutting the blinds. Damn glass walls. They made arguing so public. "Or maybe, he was groaning because the pretty blond doctor with the funny accent was touching him in the naughty place!" Chase wanted to comment about how nobody thought about sex during a lumbar puncture unless they were a complete and utter psychopath but something caught his attention.
The tone of House's voice sounded… different. "What's the matter? Jealous?" Did he really just say that to his boss? Oh, he was so fired.
He saw House tense ever so slightly before he turned around, his face completely blank of emotion. "Yeah, I want a pretty blond with a funny accent to feel me up." He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. "I just prefer the ones with nice fun bags." He limped back towards his desk. Chase was no longer embarrassed. He was amused.
Only an idiot wouldn't take advantage of that.
"I've seen the way you stare at me, House." He folded his arms across his chest. House stopped a quarter of a second before sitting back down.
Chase shook his head. "From my point of view, it looks more like," he groped for the right word. "Lust? Desire? Want? Or need, it's your choice." His smile widened as he saw his boss pale.
House looked down at his desk and pretended not to take the younger man seriously. "I think you need to get your eyes checked. I look at you and hope you choke on the pencil you're chewing at the time." Chase just chuckled.
"Right." He unfolded his arms and shoved his hands into his pocket. "Then tell me this, I say your jealous of the patient, you tense up. I tell you I gave the patient an erection – "
"Ha! So you admit it!"
Chase rolls his eyes and continues as if he was never interrupted. "And you look like you're about to go on a murderous rampage. I tell you I notice you staring at me like you want to jump me, and you pale." House was suddenly impressed with Chase's ability to notice such small details. Maybe he was more than just a pretty face.
Chase just laughed. "No wander your date with Cameron was a bust." He turned around and was about to head for the door.
"So what now? Are you planning on quitting?" He hated the way he sounded so damn desperate. He closed his eyes and prayed that Chase didn't notice.
Of course, he did. The blond turned around with a giant (and oh so sexy) grin on his face. "And if I do," he moved back closer into the room. "Are you going to take me on a date to get me back?"
That damn smile looked so… positively evil! House wasn't sure if he wanted to punch his lackey, or if he wanted to grab him and kiss him. That would wipe that grin off his face.
"Would you make me?" Chase just shrugged. He was enjoying this. When the hell did the ass kisser get a back bone? Normally Chase would have run away screaming like a girl by now. instead he's standing here acting like the tough guy. And House had to admit it was really annoying. Not attractive in the least.
Just ignore the tightening in his pants.
He chuckled. "The ass kisser gets a back bone." He pauses to think about it. "I think hell has just frozen over." He just shrugs again. "So let me get this straight. You don't want to go near a patient because he got an erection when you felt him up."
"I was checking for –"
"You were feeling him up," he interrupted. "But you stand there and try to give your boss an erection by trying to act like a man instead of a ten year old girl." Chase's smile grew bigger and cockier.
"I was just trying to fuck with you. Giving you a hard on was not on my to-do list." He chuckled. "Interesting." Then he turned and walked out of the room. The damn lab coat blocked House's view.
As soon as the Aussie was out the door, House picked up his phone and dialed an all too familiar number. Ok, it took him two minutes to remember it, but how often does he actually call Wilson?
He picked up on the third ring. "You're actually calling?"
"I can't walk right now." he looked down at his lap and sighed. "Maybe not for the next hour."
"What the hell happened?" Wilson sounded like he was on the verge of laughing, knowing exactly why House couldn't walk.
"My kiss-ass finally grew a pair." Wilson pushed the phone away as he broke into a fit of laughter.