Remembrance

Every time I see her there's a horrible pain in my heart. My palms get sweaty and I hope maybe it's really her, but it never is. Never will be. If only she were Casey, but she's not. When I see her I remember, and I don't want to remember. I've never felt that much for anyone or anything in my life, not even my music. She was the one thing that made me feel whole. As much as she drove me crazy she made me happy. She made me feel like for once in my life I was worth it. Then she was gone and I was left with all of this baggage, all of these feelings that had belonged to her, that she hadn't taken with her. What was I suppose to do? I tried to forget, to make the memory of her go away but I only ended up diverting them into helping someone, Karen. That name brings guilt twisting in my stomach, but what could I do? I had to move on right? Every time I look at Karen, speak to her, make love to her, it is a betrayal to Casey and I hate myself a little more everyday because of it. I should have waited longer to get with someone else. Casey must hate me if she can see me from Heaven. I tried to drown her out and she has every right to hate me, I hate myself.

If only I could change things. Make each second last longer. Savor each moment just a little more. I just wish that I had more time. Eternity wouldn't be enough. No amount of time with her would ever be enough. The way she looked at him, the way she smelled, the way she said his name, none of that was ever enough. He wanted more. He needed more. Every night he prayed that he would wake up and find her next to him. That this whole 'Heaven' thing was nothing but a dream. She had felt so real to him. She was real, and he wanted her back more than anything. As much as he wanted her back there was one thing he wanted almost as much. That was to forget about her. He hated himself for admitting it but if he couldn't have her then he didn't want his memories of her either. It was too painful, too haunting. There wasn't a moment that passed when she wasn't on his thoughts and he didn't want to live like this anymore. He wanted her back or he wanted her gone. He wanted peace and those were the only two ways he was going to get it. No one could fill the gaping hole that she's left in his life. No one. Not Karen and not even Casey's twin sister.

She's gone and I've learned to accept it, at first I'd see her, everywhere taunting me and I had to push to forget her but now how can I? Every time I see Marissa, her twin sister, I see her. Casey was my first love, my only love, and they say you never forget that, but I want to because it hurts too much to know that she's gone and never coming back. Sometimes I hate Marissa because she's a constant reminder of what I lost, how much pain I still have. She brings back all of those memories that I've tried to cover up with Karen. It isn't fair. I try to console myself by saying that I gave Casey happiness, and love. She left smiling, that was something I did for her. I can't blame her for leaving, after all she couldn't defy God. I sometimes touch my cheek and I'm amazed that there's not even a scar, she did that for me, she healed me and I've just tried to forget her. So much for loyalty.

I really like Karen, she's beautiful, and sweet, and passionate, but I can't help but feel there's something missing every time I look at her. Maybe it's the guilt or the certainty that she'll never be what Casey was to me. How could she? How could anyone? They say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, that's a bunch of crap. I could have been happy now but I'm miserable because I 'loved and lost' it's not better, it's like waking up everyday and having reality laugh at you because she's in my dreams. I dream about her all of the time and I always wake up and discover that she's gone. I hate dreaming of her, I almost wish I never saw her face again... almost.

How could she make me love her and then leave me?

Why did Casey have to suck me in? I sometimes wonder what it would have been like if I would have stayed in prison and never met her, my life would be so easy, but emptier, what am I saying? Casey's gone, it's as empty as was before, except now I have Karen. It's not enough. Nothing is ever enough. So then I drink to drown out the way Karen looks at me because it's not the way Casey looked at me. Or the way that she feels in my arms because it's not the way she felt. Will I spend the rest of my life comparing every woman I meet to someone who doesn't exist anymore? Will I wake up ten years from now and still feel that chunk of my soul being ripped out. Over and over again? When will it end? Will it ever? Casey left her impression on me, filled up a part of my heart, my soul and I can still feel it there, waiting for her to come back, and maybe one day she will, but until then all I can do is play back every moment we ever spent together and hate every second of remembering.