Title: Loving Her (1/1)
Disclaimer: These characters belong AMC
Summary: Maggie reflects on how she feels about Bianca
Her smile is so beautiful. It's almost like she can light up a room without even trying. She just has this way about her that makes everyone feel as if they are important to her and that she cares about them. She has the biggest heart of anyone that I've ever met, no matter what happens to her she always has this way of turning it around into something good. I admire that about her, she's not bitter or hateful, she's just Bianca. I have never met anyone that has such a pure heart. She's not perfect and she doesn't try to be, she's just herself and that's good enough. When I'm around her, I just feel so alive, so full of so many emotions that I can't even begin to sort out but I like the feeling. I like how I feel full when I'm around her, she fills up all of the empty places. She makes me happy like no one in my life has ever done. There's another side to Bianca though, she's not all sunshine and lollipops but when she thinks I'm not looking I see so much sadness in her eyes.
Sometimes I wish I had the ability to take that away, erase every bad thing that's ever happened to her, but I can't, or I won't, I'm not sure which. I don't know what I feel for anyone or anything anymore. I've known I've felt differently for girls than boys for a while now, but what girl doesn't feel curious at one point or another? I used to think that was all it was... curiosity. That is, until I saw Bianca look at me that first time, I'd never seen such love, and pain, longing and hope all at once. It tore at my heart then, and I didn't even know her. I was jealous of Frankie, that she had something that I never had, never would. When I first found out about Frankie and Bianca, I wondered how Frankie knew that she was gay, how she knew it was right with Bianca. But now I think I know how she felt, it's how I feel. I wish I had Frankie's confidence, I seem so self-assured, but I'm not. Frankie always took chances, but not me, I'm not Frankie.
Then there's Henry, I thought I liked him in a romantic way, I even slept with him. I do care about him and when I look at him I can smile with affection, but it's not the same, not when I look at HER. How can I feel this way about someone whose heart belonged to my dead twin sister? How can I feel this way about a girl? I'm straight... at least I thought I was, but no one has ever made me feel the way Bianca does.
I'm so confused about what I feel and why I feel it. Sometimes I think I'm so close to Bianca because Frankie would have wanted me to take care of her. I'm fulfilling nothing more than a sisterly obligation, or maybe I'm imagining what I feel for her because when she looks into my eyes she sees Frankie, and I'm not Frankie.
And I'm not gay either.
Sure, I've never really had a serious boyfriend, but what can you expect, with a screwed up family like mine I should be lucky that I've never been attached by the strings of love, that is until now.
But I'm not in love with her. Sure, I think of her when she's not there, and every time I see her, my heart beats a little faster, and I make her laugh just to see that beautiful smile, and the sparkle in her eyes. I use to think it was because she put so much goodness into the world that she deserved to have some of it back. I like making her happy. I would do almost anything to make her happy. Except the one thing that she wants. Me.
As much as I ... as much as I care for her I am afraid of her at the same time. She has more power over me than she knows. I've never wanted to give parts of myself to a person the way I do with her. She has the power to break me. She has the power to break my heart. I don't think I could handle it if she did. She's my rock and without that I don't know what I
What would I do without her?
I want her in my life forever. Just the thought of imagining life without her makes me want to cry. Then again, so does the thought of falling asleep without her next to me. What's wrong with me? Why can't I make up my mind about how I feel and what I want. I know I want her near me. I know that I sometimes get through the day just because I hear her laugh. I dream about waking up next to her... kissing her. I have so many dreams but that's all they are. That's all that they ever can be. I'm not Frankie and she wants Frankie. I just want her to love me for me. I love her for her.
I am in love with her.
But how can I tell her? How can I let her know what I feel and how I feel it when sometimes I don't even know? I don't want to hurt her. What if I'm just lonely? What if it's just friendship? How can I risk breaking her heart and in the process breaking my own? I would give anything to feel her arms around me right now. To be the object of her affection. I want her to kiss me so badly that at times I wonder if I can stop myself from running into her arms. But I do. Because I'm scared. But I want to tell her so badly.
Tell her what?
That I love her?
There's a knock at the door so I get up. I'll tell her eventually. When the time is right. When I'm sure. When I can't take the silence for another second longer. I open the door.