The wind was blowing through her hair and pulling at her silk robe. She was freezing and the harshness of the cold winter wind brought tears to her eyes but she didn't go back inside. It was better out here, she could think, she felt free. She gathered her robe around her, almost glad of the freezing temperatures. At least it was something that she could feel. The view from the balcony was amazing and she looked out over the city, over the twinkling lights in the distance. She thought of the families that were gathered inside, just getting ready for bed. They were safe and warm... protected. A tear made it's way down Carly's cheek and she brushed it away. She had been upstairs trying to sleep but she couldn't, because this wasn't her home.
Nothing about it felt familiar. She felt out of place and like she didn't belong. Something was missing and she knew exactly what that something was. She didn't want to admit it to herself. Couldn't admit it to Sonny. Her husband. Those words echoed in her head. Her husband. That word brought up an image in her head that was not Sonny Corinthos. How could she convey to him, how could she convey to anyone, what she was feeling inside. Carly ran her fingers through her wind blown hair and told herself that this was her home, it was where she belonged, and even if it didn't feel that way now, it would in time, she just needed time...
She missed Lorenzo...
She chastised herself, he was not a part of her life, he was nothing to her, this was her family, this was her home, he meant nothing. Except, without him there it felt like she was in a stranger's house. Sonny, her husband, was a stranger to her. She felt like she had all of these memories of him floating through her head but they might as well be clips from a Tv show for all that they mattered to her. She felt nothing for him... well that wasn't completely true. She felt resentment. She hated herself for feeling that way but she resented her memories. If they weren't there then she would have nothing to live up to, she wouldn't have to pretend. She felt like a bad actress. It seemed like she spent all day trying to learn her part, her place, and she just couldn't get it right, Here she was wife and mother and not feeling like it. She felt like she was walking through some play in which she played a part.
She wanted to feel alive again. She wanted to feel passion that made her burn from her head to her toes. She wanted... she wanted so many things. None of which she could have. A part of Carly wished that she would have lost her memories so she could have just started over. Over with Lorenzo? She shook her head wondering what he would tell her if he was standing there next to her, probably to stop wallowing in self-pity. Wallowing was one thing she seemed to be very good at. Maybe it was because she didn't know what else to do. She was afraid to remember her life but she was also afraid of knowing nothing about it. Or feeling like none of it belonged to her. How did she go in there and find the strength to pull everything together and pretend that she was part of a happy family. She wasn't sure she knew what that felt like, let alone how to act it out. This was all wrong. Everything was all wrong. She was so numb.
"Damn!" she said out loud, "I have to stop thinking about him, he's not here, I don't love him, what I dreamed was just that... a dream and I'm fooling myself if I think that any part of it could be more than just a fantasy," she said quietly. Again she was drawn to the dream she had while she had been in the coma. That wasn't real. It wasn't who she was or who he was. It was who she had imagined they were and that was no better than pretending that she was Carly Corinthos. She wasn't any of it.
She thought back to a few hours ago when she'd gone to his penthouse. She had needed him so badly, his calm soothing words... and then the Lily-look-a-like had walked in and Carly had been angry... well she was supposed to be angry and she was until she had seen the look on his face because despite everything a part of her still thought of him as her husband and she would never want to hurt him... but he wasn't her husband so she had turned to Sonny and her children. She had seen the way Courtney had looked at them and she had wanted her to take them. They were Carly's children but she felt like nothing more than their babysitter and not the woman who had given birth to them. She liked Michael and Morgan but she didn't love them. She wondered what kind of person that made her? She didn't even love her own children. Or her husband. She loved someone from a dreaming.
Carly sighed, wishing that she were still in the coma, lost in dreams, anything was better than all of these people trying to take pieces of her that she wasn't ready to give. She felt pulled in so many directions and she hated it.
She yawned, she was so tired but she didn't think that she would be able to sleep because there was only one place that she felt safe and comfortable and that place wasn't with her husband or her children, it was with the man that she was supposed to hate, her enemy. She closed her eyes, tears falling down her cheeks, she let herself imagine the feel of his arms around her and for just a moment she didn't feel so numb.