The One Where Ross Can't Stop Snoring

Disclaimer: I do not own friends. What a shame.

Based just after season ten. Joey has not moved away and is still living in his apartment (or not, as the case may be). Rachel and Ross are together and living at Ross' place. Monica, Chandler and the twins have moved to their house in the suburbs, and Phoebe and Mike are living together in Phoebe's apartment.

Summary of ep1: Joey has been evicted, but luckily Rachel tells him that he can stay and live with her and Ross. Meanwhile Monica and Chandler try baby siting, whilst Phoebe has problems of her own as she finds Mike gives incredible massages.


It was lunchtime and Rachel, Monica and Phoebe sat in Central Perk on their usual orange sofa, drinking coffee and chatting.

"Hey Mon," said Phoebe. "You have a big house, right?"

"Yeah … but I really don't wanna let you use it for sex again. I mean I know you and Mike are trying to get pregnant, but I really don't think using a bigger house will-"

Phoebe shook her head dismissively, "No, no, don't worry, its not that."

"Oh, then what?"

"Well I kinda told Frank junior that I would look after the triplets this week, coz' him and Alice are going on vacation – you know to retingle the gross woman-boy love they have. But I just remembered I'm ovulating and Mike and me have plans to, you know, make triplets our own. So I was wondering if you maybe…" Phoebe gave Monica a pleading look, "have room for three adorable children?"

"Ok, I guess," Monica said, smiling as she was actually always jumping at the chance to fill her house with kids.

"Oh, goody! Yeah, you'll all have such a wonderful time! They're at such a fun age, yeah, they're always, you know, climbing up things, or chasing things, or jumping into things, or grabbing things… you'll have so much fun!"

Phoebe leant forward and picked up her coffee, failing to see the look of horror on Monica's face that Rachel found so amusing.

Opening credits

The girls were still drinking their coffee when Joey walked in twenty minutes later. He wasn't in a very good mood and didn't reply when all three women greeted him as he sat down in the chair to his left, but instead stared moodily at the coffee table.

Rachel stared at Joey for a moment, "Joey? You okay?"

He looked up suddenly as if noticing the women for the first time, "Oh, um, hi. Yeah, I'm… okay."

"You sure? You like someone just ate your sandwich." Phoebe said.

"Yeah, well I feel like someone just ate my sandwich," Joey muttered, sadly.

"Why? What happened?" asked Rachel.

"Well I, uh, I kinda got killed off Day Of Our Lives today."

All at once the girls called out words of outrage and remorse, angry that their friend could be killed off his show for a second time.

"How? How does it happen?" Rachel asked.

"I…" Joey clears his throat, a little embarrassed and goes on, "I kinda fall outa bed."

There is silence for a moment, until Monica breaks it with a mutter of, "What do you? How-? Wha-? What is-? … What?"

"They – they make Drake fall out of bed. According to the producer Drake's brain is so delicate that even a bump like that can, well, squash it." Joey said, shrugging sadly.

"But that's so unrealistic." Rachel stated.

"Yeah, well, that's soap opera's for you."

"Oh, well don't worry Joe, I'm sure you'll show them, you'll totally bounce back." Phoebe assured him.

"Yeah, I guess, but the thing is, I have another problem."

"What?" quizzed Rachel, "Someone really did take your sandwich?"

"No, I uh," Joey sighed, ready to divulge something he found rather embarrassing. "Well I now live on the street."

"Where!" Phoebe exclaimed, causing the other three to look at her, "I mean, what's that now?"

"Well, I've been so busy lately I kinda forgot to do some stuff…" muttered Joey, trailing off.

Monica sighed, "Like?"

Joey gave the girls an apologetic smile, "Pay the rent."

"Well you are – sorry, were – a soap opera star, why don't you use that money and pay now?" asked Rachel.

"Cause I kinda don't have any of that money left." Joey said, once again in a rather apologetic tone.

"What you spent it all ?" exclaimed Phoebe, "What on?"

"I don't know, candy mostly. Look the point is I don't have anywhere to live, so," he looked pleadingly at Monica, "Is it okay if I stay with you and Chandler for a little while?"

"I don't know, I just agreed to baby-sit the triplets for Phoebe, so it's going to be pretty jam packed." Monica told Joey sadly. "They're gonna have to use the Joey room."

"Oh," Joey bit his lip and stared at stared back at the coffee table.

"You could stay with me and Ross." Rachel decided suddenly.

Joey looked thrilled, "Really? Oh Rach, that'd be great! Thank you so much," he got up and gave a hug, but then as he sat down his smile faltered slightly, "But won't it be tight, I mean it's a small apartment."

"No," Rachel said, "There are two bedrooms, that's enough."

"Yeah but, doesn't Emma sleep in the other one?" Joey asked.

Monica gave a laugh, "Ha, no Joey, Emma sleeps in Rachel's room because Rachel believes that if she's twenty yards away from her baby then the universe will implode."

Phoebe gave a cry of shock, "Oh my God, that's what will happen if I use a computer!"

The other three just smiled in a bemused way and drank their coffee, now quite used to their friend's regular weird outbursts.


After work later that day Rachel arrived back at her and Ross' apartment to find it a total mess. There were boxes littered around the place, furniture had moved to make way for other things and in the middle of it all sat Ross on their couch with Emma at his side, playing with her Barbie doll.

"Um, hi sweetie," said Rachel frowning. "Did someone throw a bomb in here?"

"Hey honey," Ross said, going forth and giving her a gentle kiss on the lips. "Ha, that's funny, um yeah Joey asked me to help him move his, uh, stuff in ... Say, here's a question; why is Joey asking me to move his stuff in?" Rachel just stared at Ross for a moment, failing to find something to say. "So when exactly uh," Ross went on, "When were you going to tell me you invited Joey to move in?"

Rachel hesitated, then dared give Ross a small smile, "Now."

Ross sighed, "Rach, it's not that I don't like Joey's company, but it's a small apartment for four people, and uh, you should have told me you were inviting people to move into my apartment –"

"Your apartment?" Rachel interrupted.

Ross stared for a moment, realising his mistake, "Uh, sorry, sorry, I meant our apartment. Look, all I'm saying is I think we should talk about stuff before you just start moving people in without telling me."

"Well we didn't talk when you bought them dinosaur sheets to put on our bed, but I think I was very understanding about that – and believe me, a lot of girls wouldn't be."

Ross hung his head and nodded, recoiling slightly at the memory of Rachel finding the quilt, "Okay, fine, you made your point, now would you please drop it with the quilt, it was on sale."

"Yeah, and so were twenty other normal ones Ross!"


Monica was, as usual, cleaning. She was scrubbing the TV with her homemade polish when the doorbell rang. Sighing, she went to the door to see who it was. As soon as she opened three blurs ran in all directions, one upstairs, one into the living room and one into the kitchen. Left alone at the doorway was Phoebe, but she didn't stop long.

"Hi," she said, passing Monica a large suitcase. "Okay, everything you need is there. Okay … bye."

"What? Wait, phoebe," Monica called, " I thought they weren't coming until tomorrow."

"Yeah," Phoebe nodded, "Well change of plan, they're here now instead."

"Okay, fine… so, do you want to come in for some coffee?"

"I cant, me and Mike have plans. You know, I could stop ovulating any minute, so I gotta go."

"Wait, Phoebe!" yelled Monica, but Phoebe had already hopped back into her cab.

Just then Chandler came into the hall from the kitchen with a slight frown on his face, "Um honey, should I be concerned that there's a small child emptying our cupboards?"


Phoebe and Mike lay in bed, both exhausted but with huge grins on their faces. Phoebe turned to face Mike and gave him a wet kiss on the lips. "You sure know how to please a girl Mike Hanagen," she said.

Mike grinned broadly, "Oh, I know."

"Hey, uh, before we go to sleep, do you want a massage, you know, to relax you ... It's free!"

"Sure," Mike turned over and lay on his stomach, whilst phoebe pulled down the sheets to his lower back and began massaging him. "That is, as always, incredible," said Mike, smiling, "But you might want to loosen your wrists a little."

"What?" said Phoebe shocked.

Mike stiffened, realising his sudden mistake, "I mean, uh, you – you're doing great."

"I'm sorry, but are you telling me how to do the thing I do everyday?" asked Phoebe slowly. Mike didn't reply so she went on, "Do you think you can you do a better job than me Mr better-at-massages-than-the-one-and-only-Phoebe-Buffet?" she frowned slightly and laid down on her belly on the bed, "Come on, give me your best."

Mike sighed but did as he was told, and began massaging Phoebe, "Ok," he said, "I've never told you before, but I think I might actually be really good at this massaging thing."

"Oh Mike, please. I mean, okay I'm not trying to hurt your feelings but – ohhh, oh my god!" she suddenly felt as though she was flying; 'this massage is incredible' was all that was going through her head. "How -? Oh - Oh, Mike -? Ah," Phoebe was having trouble getting out her words as she felt relaxation take over. But she shook this off, "No, wait stop!" she turned over and Mike stopped. "Okay … wow! How come you never told me how good you are?"

Mike shrugged, "I don't know I figured you'd be mad because this is your thing and I don't want to give you … competition."

"My thing?" Phoebe thought for a moment about what mike had just said. He was right; massaging was her thing. It was in their relationship anyway. They could both play an instrument after all. But him, Mike, being a good masseuse? She was angry and couldn't help it, but she gritted her teeth, "I'm not angry. It's great, because, you know, now we can do everything together." Mike frowned but phoebe went on, "Yeah, it'll be a … blast."

"You really okay?"

"Yeah!" said Phoebe, over enthusiastically. "Now, we'd better sleep now because you gotta rest those delicate hands of yours." She turned over and closed her eyes, sensing Mike do the same, she pulled a face. Better masseuse! Mike! Huh!


Rachel could not sleep, Ross was doing the one thing he'd never done before; he was snoring. It was impossible to sleep when someone was making that much noise. She pulled the dinosaur-decorated sheets over her and tried to ignore the loud snores, but it was just about impossible.

Sighing, she got out of bed and tiptoed outside across the hall and into the other bedroom. She could tell by the dim light that Joey was grumbling slightly in his sleep, but at least he wasn't snoring. Rachel grabbed hold of the covers of the double bed and was just about to crawl into bed next to him when she realised this could be awfully weird for the both of them. She bit her lip slightly then, deciding on something, she sneaked around to the other side of the bed. At the end of the bed though, she fell over. Cursing, she bent down and picked up the frying pan she tripped over. Rachel frowned slightly, wondering why the hell Joey would have a frying pan in his room. She gave a sigh and went forward to shake Joey's shoulder, trying to wake him.

"Joey?" she whispered urgently. Joey groaned and mumbled something inaudible, then, seeing a woman standing there with a large frying in her hand, he let out a loud squeal. "Shush" Rachel whispered, pressing her finger to her lips. "Joey shush, it's just me!"

"Rach!" hissed Joey, in panic. "What the hell are you trying to do? You scared the life outa me! Seriously, who wakes you up in the middle of the night with frying pan in their hand?"

"I'm sorry, Joey be quiet, I'm sorry," she muttered, trying to calm him down. Once Joey had relaxed a little Rachel gently ruffled his hair slightly and asked nervously, "Hey Joey, it wouldn't be weird if I slept in here tonight would it? "

Joey sighed and nodded in knowing way, "Rach, I can't deny it, it would be good. However it would also be wrong. You're my friend. And so is Ross. Whatever your problems I don't think sex with me is the answer."

Rachel smiled slightly and shook her head, "Actually I was just talking about sleeping next to you. It's just Ross has started snoring and I cannot sleep with someone making pig noises in my ear, believe me, its neither a lullaby nor dirty talk."

Joey stared at her for a moment, rather embarrassed, "Oh, that you can do."

Rachel smiled, "Okay, thanks. And, you don't think it'll be weird, do you?" Joey just shook his head so Rachel moved round and got into bed next to Joey. "You don't snore, do you?" she quickly asked before lying down.

"No," he replied. "I used to, but not anymore." They were silent as they both closed their eyes and tried to sleep, only moments later Joey's eyes popped back open and he whispered quickly, "Rach, you know I was only kiddin' about that sex."

Rachel smiled in the dim light, "Of course you were honey."


Joey was just waking, but he couldn't be bothered to open his eyes, not yet, he thought. He rolled over and spread out his hand over on the other side of the bed where Rachel was sleeping, forgetting she was there. His hand placed on her breast and he frowned. Did I sleep with someone last night? he asked himself. He opened his eyes and it was only then that he saw Ross standing stony-faced in the doorway. Glancing to his right Joey saw Rachel lying there and his hand still on her breast, he took it away quickly. Just then, Rachel woke up.

She looked up at Ross and smiled "Morning honey."

"Don't you 'morning honey' me!" spat Ross. "What the hell are you doing in bed with my best friend?!"

Rachel was just about to say something when Joey got in first, " You see me as your best friend?" with a slight smile on his face, despite the situation he was in.

Ross shrugged, "Well, actually I think – Don't change the subject!" Ross went on, a little madly "Anyway, Your certainly not my best friend now, what the hell are you doing in bed with my girlfriend!"

Rachel looked quite alarmed now, "Honey, calm down."

"Oh, calm down? I'm, I'm sorry, you're uh, you're right, I should calm down. I'm being unreasonable, but yet I'm not the one in bed with Joey!" Ross yelled.

"And I hope you never are," Joey muttered, but quietly.

Rachel looked at Ross frantically trying to calm him, "Ross, listen to me, I just slept next to Joey last night because you were snoring and it was driving me crazy. See, I'm wearing pyjama's and Joey's wearing his boxers and that top, you see Ross." Rachel was now kneeling at the end of the bed, holding Ross' hand whilst Joey nodded vigorously.

Ross just stared at their clothes for a moment, "Then, why did Joey have his hand on your breast?"

Rachel gasped and turned to stare at Joey, "You had your hand on my what now?"

"I stretched out my hand and I, I had my eyes closed and I forgot it was you sleeping next to me, I thought it was a hot girl I had sex with," said Joey, embarrassed.

"Well I guess you were right there, huh. You did sleep with a hot woman, my girlfriend!" yelled Ross.

"Ross!" exclaimed Rachel, "Listen, I've told you what happened … and look I'm sorry I didn't wake you to tell you, I should have. But please, stop making stuff up, what I told you is the truth. If you love me you'll let this go."

Ross looked torn for a moment, but then he gave a nod, "Okay." Rachel smiled just as she heared Emma crying in the next room. Quickly, she stood up off the bed and rushed into her bedroom to Emma.

Joey grined at Ross, "So Ross, where we are we on the whole best friend front?"

Ross just sighed.


Monica was deeply regreting letting the triplets into her house, they ran around like wild Cheetahs, destroying everything in their path. Monica entered the living room to see Chandler trying to pry a paintbrush from Lesley's hand, whilst getting himself covered in paint. Monica decided on an idea, she went over to the TV and wsitched it on, cartoon bounced about on the screen, "Lesley look, cartoons, huh?" Monica said. Lesley turned and grinned, dropping the paint brush, (Chandler was able tocatch before it fell to the carpet, to Monica's intense relief) she went over and sat milimetres in front of the TV. "Frank! Chandler! Cartoons are on!" Yelled Monica to the kitchen. Immidiately the padding of little feet could be heard as the other two young children ran into the sitting room and parked themselves next to Lesley.

"Oh, thank God." Chandler said, collapsing on the sofa. "Who knew kids could be so much work? Did you get the twins off?"

"Yeah, they're asleep but not before they managed to puke all over their sheets," she sighed.

Just then Phoebe entered, "Hey." She sat down next to Monica, "Uhhh. Guess what? ... Mike is a better masouse than me."

"What?" Monica frowned.

"Yeah, last night he gave me a massage; it was incrediable, it was relaxing and soft. Bastard!"

"Oh my God, how could he be so insensitive!" said Chandler, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"You don't understand, this isn't fair! I'm the massouse! It's all I have!" Phoebe raged.

"What are you talking about? What about your music?" Monica insisted.

"No, he plays music too, so that isn't my thing." Phoebe said sadly.

They were interuped by Ross at that point, who entered with Joey slightly behind. Joey seemed to be arguing his case about something, "For the thousanth time, I'm sorry Ross."

Ross didn't reply right away, he sat down in one of the armchairs and said hi to the other three, then he said, "I saw you Joe, I saw you wake up, and, and just lay there with your hand ... there! I mean Why! Why did you put there?"

"What? Eww! Ew, where did he put his hand?" asked Phoebe.

"He put his hand on my girlffriend's breast this morning," said Ross.

The other three all gasped in alam. "Look," started Joey. "I said I'm sorry, we were in bed I put out my arm and it just landed there. I thought she was a hot woman ... It was just a moment of stupidity."

Chandler frowned and smaled slightly, "So that's what you call them moments?"

"Ross, you gotta believe me, I'm sorry. Please, just let it go," Joey pleaded.

Ross stared at Joey for a moment, then he gave a short nod, "Okay, I, I guess I have to."

There was a silence in which the four adults sat with only the cartoons blaring on the TV as a backgroung noise. Chandler cleared his throat and picked up a newspaper from the coffee table, he opened it, only to find a large hole through the entire paper. "Well," he muttered. "There goes my afternoon."


Ross walked back into his apartment that evening to find Rachel, having just put Emma to bed, reading a magazine on the couch. "Hey honey," she said, looking up when he came in. "You're - you're not still mad about this morning are you?"

"No, no, don't worry bout that," he went over and sat next to her. "Although, I was talking to Chandler and he said that you, you could roll me over. It didn't work with Joey 'cause he saw stuff he, well stuff he wasn't thrilled for. But, I'm, I'm sure that won't happen here ... and you know even if does, I don't think you'll mind, will you?"

"Oh no," said Rachel. She ran her hands through Ross' hair and gentley carresed his face. "In fact, I don't think I'd mind seeing that right now."

"Oh, oh yeah, but uh, isnt Emma in our room?" said Ross, kissing her as he talked.

"Yes, but Joey's room is free." said Rachel, kissing him back.

"I, I don't know if that's such a good idea, I mean he..." Ross trailed off and Rachel took off her lips from Ross' face. "Or, or you know, whatever." They kissed some more, and Ross lead her to Joey's room.


Mike sat up in bed, deep in thought. He would simply have to tell Phoebe that his massaging will stop. He knew she was angry, could sense it. Maybe he'd tell her he was terrible and before it had been begginers luck, and give a deliberately bad massage to prove it. he sighed and lay stared at the bathroom door, in which Phoebe had locked herself behind half an hour a go. What was taking her so long? Mike got out of bed and walked over, in just his boxers, to the bathroom door. "Phoebe, you okay in there?" There was no reply.

Mike was just about to get back into bed, believing she wanted privacy, when the bathroom door opened. Phoebe stood there, and Mike couldn't help thinking she looked different somehow. "Listen Pheebs," Mike began. "I gotta tell you, about this massage stuff, I won't -"

"I don't care about that," Phoebe interupted.

"What? What's going on?" Mike said, suddenly worried.

"I'm pregnant."


"We're going to have a baby!" Phoebe half screamed, a huge grin clear on her face.

"Oh my God!" Mike exclaimed, he went forth and hugged Phoebe, who was having trouble keeping still, dizzy with glee.

Ending Credits

"Here," said Monica, handling Frank jr jr a cloth. "You see I told you this would be fun."

Monica was in the lounge, with three totally reformed triplets by her side. The three of them grinned up at Monica and began scrubbing the walls relentlassly.

"Wow," said Chandler, entering the room. "You really are a miricle worker."

"I know," Monica said. Chandler left the room and Monica watched him go before turning to the triplets and handing them 20 each, "Okay. Thankyou for not doing more damage."

Little Chandler grinned, "Pleasure."


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