NOTE: Julileini has done me the honor of asking to translate this fic into German! Here is the link to her translation (take out the spaces): www. fanfiction .net/s/6940670/1/Try_to_Love_Again
A couple months ago I discovered the Hermione/Sirius pairing and fell in love. However, I don't feel like writing for Hermione and I like writing for Ginny, so this is what came out. Besides, it's not as overdone as Sirimione. And I think Ginny and Sirius have more in common than they think.
I love Draco-Ginny (see my completed fic, The Façade: Le Tuteur Clairvoyant), but in this story it simply isn't meant to be (kind of like in J.K. Rowling's books, eh?). Draco also has some mental issues in this one. What I'm talking about will become more clear after part one.
This is written in first person (Ginny's perspective) for the most part, but I foresee some time in the near future where hearing Sirius's thoughts might become useful. In those cases, I will switch to third person. Anything that isn't Ginny's P.O.V. will be in italics.
Background: Draco's 6th year (year of the whole vanishing-cabinet-killing-Dumbledore thing, so he has an excuse to be angry and messed up), Ginny's 5th
Disclaimer: I wish I was a brilliant British billionaire, but I'm actually not.
Oh, and I owe the title to Sheryl Crow's "The First Cut is the Deepest". I'm not good with titles, generally.
Jesus, that was really long. That won't be a normal occurrence. Here we go:
Try to Love Again: Part One
I don't know how long it's been. I thought it would never end, and I wasn't sure I wanted it to. Hell, I don't even know how it started.
That's a lie. It started with a kiss in a deserted corridor near the dungeons. A searing, passionate, backed-up-against-the-wall romance-movie kiss. But that wasn't what it was like in the end. Well, the backed-up-against-the-wall part, maybe.
I feel like I still love him. Is that crazy? Yes, it is. But he loves me too, deep down inside. Well, not so deep down, since he's told me so and begged me to come back to him multiple times. But I just can't, not after all of this. I would say he lost his chance, but it wasn't his fault, really. He just needed to let it out on someone, and I was there. I was just unlucky.
At first it was exciting. We were Romeo and Juliet, forbidden lovers from opposite sides of the universe (or so it seemed to us). Fire and ice, Gryffindor and Slytherin. Deatheater and Weasley. He wasn't a Deatheater really, but still.
He was gentle then, gentler than I would have expected him to be (Oh gods, if someone had told me I'd even find out…). But that was earlier in the year, before things started to go wrong for him and, likewise, for us. He became frustrated and angry, and he couldn't tell me why, but he could release it when he was around me. It wasn't as if we ever really confided in each other, at least not about our outside lives. I think that was the difference between falling in love with Draco and falling in love with Sirius. With Draco, I pushed my problems into a box and lived in the moment, but it really just made everything worse. With Sirius, I faced them and healed.
In the beginning, the sex just got rougher. I missed the slow, quiet, escaping-the-world-for-as-long-as-we-can-make-this-last lovemaking, but there was a new attraction in this wild, heated, and often painful version. I learned to enjoy his nails digging into the soft flesh on my hipbones, his teeth drawing blood on the pale skin at my neck.
But soon enough it had become more pain than pleasure. Eventually, he would spend his time with me in a sort of dazed, trancelike rage, throwing things at the walls and at me. He couldn't be comforted, so I thought the best way to help him would be to stay there and absorb his anger myself.
I wonder if the Slytherins knew what was happening to be when he took me into his private room (father in high places) and locked and silenced the door. Yes, they knew I was there- they had accepted me long before then as Draco's "pet", plaything, whatever they thought I was to him. I heard the guys talking about me once, saying that they wouldn't have minded me in their bed either, even if I was a Weasley. I know very well that with my pale skin, slim figure, and hip-length crimson hair, I am much prettier than Pansy Parkinson and the other Slytherin sluts.
Anyway, if they had known it isn't like I could've expected them to do something about it. I just wonder if they'd even go that low (or perhaps if it's normal for them as junior Deatheaters).
He was always very kind to me afterwards. He would seem to come out of his other world, the one only he could see. His silver eyes would lose their glazed-over look. He would heal my injuries himself or help me cover them with magic, and he would softly kiss every bruised inch of me while tears of regret left trails down my body. I would tell him it was okay, I was fine, that I wished I could help him more. It was true.
Now I just wish I had realized that what I was doing wasn't helping.
I couldn't tell anyone- I was embarrassed. Besides, no one who would care was allowed to know about my relationship with Draco. I knew it was wrong, warped, but since I refused to honestly admit it to myself, how could I admit it to someone else?
The first time he raped me was what made me realize that I needed help. It wasn't as though I hadn't had sex with him willingly a million times before, but it was rape just the same. He had been in one of his moods for the past hour, and I could tell he wasn't out of it yet. I was in pain and I knew that doing it would be even more painful. I told him to stop, I fought, I screamed, but no one could hear. When it was over, I ran to Gryffindor Tower.
I tried to tell Harry- my closest friend, who I knew I could trust. I tried, but I couldn't. No, I don't mean I was too emotional or whatever, I'm not mental. I mean I was cursed. I couldn't say a word, couldn't write a word, couldn't play 20 questions. That was when I really panicked. I was scared. I thought I had had control over the situation, but I didn't. I didn't know how long ago he'd spelled me, and it killed me to know that if I'd tried to tell someone earlier it might've been possible. But as it was, I couldn't say anything to Harry about it.
But he noticed anyway. Oh, thank the gods, he noticed. When Draco started keeping me later and later in his room, when I'd have to make excuses and sneak back through the portrait hole after curfew, Harry waited for me. I know he saw that little red scar on my temple that I'd missed one day because I couldn't see it without looking sideways in the mirror. When I started coming back even later, Harry went to bed and then woke up in the middle of the night to wait for me so that he wouldn't fall asleep and miss me on my way up. He was the only one who noticed when I started developed an aversion to all human contact (presumably because he was the only one who touched me affectionately on a regular basis, when I curled up with him on the common room couches). He asked me multiple times what was going on, but every time my mouth made excuses for me before I'd even thought about it. It felt like being possessed, but by Draco Malfoy this time instead of Tom Riddle. Why did I have this weakness? How did I always come to trust these dark beings?
One day I found myself blackmailing Harry, threatening to tell about the girl I knew he liked (he came to me for girl advice, of course) should he let anyone know what was happening to me. After I said that to him, I practically choked on my words, tears welling in my eyes. I couldn't believe what had come out of my mouth.
"Gin," he said resignedly, "this isn't you. Don't cry, Gin; I know the real you would never do something like that." He was right. "And even if you did, what I'm about to do would still be worth it. I've got to tell someone. Something's happening to you and I don't know how to help you."
I was so happy.
I looked him in the eyes and told him not to go to my parents. He saw that it was the real me this time, saw my embarrassment, and agreed.
That same night, he owled Sirius.
A/N: So, little feedback here. Love it? Hate it? Review and tell me why.
By the way, Harry and Ginny are just friends. Really. NO H/G in this one.