Kay. So my best friend wrote this and I told her I'd post it on here for her. Never shall I go to the mall, consume Mountain Dew, sit in her car and listen to NSYNC ever again because this is what happens when we're together. It's meant to be a funny little oneshot and I find it rather amusing. PLEASE REVIEW!
It was a quiet afternoon at the Cullens home. Edward relaxed on the couch on the first floor listening to his music to drown out his largest "brother" and his wife consummating in their bedroom. Jasper also did the best he could to concentrate on reading, though the feelings from upstairs were overwhelming, making him only wish that Alice would come home from shopping soon.
Towards the end of the CD that Edward was captivated by, Emmett came into the room, a big grin spread across his face, curly dark brown hair more of a mess then usual. "Hello, Ladies, isn't this just a great day?" he laughed, lightly tugging on the cord of Edwards headphones.
Glaring up at him, Edward spoke in a slight whisper, "Can't you leave those thoughts in the bedroom..." He shuddered lightly. The thoughts of his brothers actions buzzed in his skull.
Emmett's laughter boomed throughout the large room, his arms over his chest and his muscles flexing lightly. "Well, what's the fun in that...Honestly I don't understand why you wont stop torturing yourself!"
Edward simply growled lightly in reply,
Jasper groaned lightly. "Then stop torturing me with those feelings...its making me uncomfortable..." He slapped the book he was reading shut, having read it several times before and it never seemed to keep him distracted from the emotions emitted from Emmett.
The large vampire laughed once more. "I am sorry I was pleasing my mate with these guns." He purposely flexed lightly grinning widely.
Edward turned off his music sitting up, he snorted, "From what I have heard, your 'guns' are the only thing that pleases her." A small smirk formed on his lips staring at Emmett. "If you...know what I mean"
"Actually I don't, I have never heard a single complaint," he grumbled as he took a seat on the couch next to Edward. His eyes narrowed as he started to get irritated. "You should know, Rosalie can barely handle the big Em."
Jasper snickered. "That's not what I'm feeling," he mumbled lightly. His honey eyes slowly glanced over to his brothers "If anything, she's probably had better". He grinned. "Besides, from what I have heard your height doesn't reflect in your...well you know".
Emmett growled lightly "You honestly think that..you could possibly be bigger than me Emo boy?" he glanced to Jasper, his voice slowly growing louder.
Edward ran a finger through his copper hair as he chuckled and replied, "Please boys...we all know the truth, I can read all your minds. In this competition I have always come up on top."
He seemed very proud of himself. In truth he could only tell what they thought about their own size.
"You gotta be kidding me! How would you know how big you are when you have never even used it! You probably don't even know how! Imagine, a boy your age having never done ANYTHING!" Emmett yelled, jumping up and pointing his finger at Edward. "For all you know it could be broken!" He laughed at his own small joke, holding his sides as his body shook from his laughter.
"What does that have to do with anything!" Edward hissed lightly. His golden eyes darkened slightly; they flared as he got into the argument. "Excuse me for wanting to make that a very special moment between myself and Bella and trust me, it is FAR from broken." He couldn't even go into the times he wished a cold shower would affect a vampire. Curse Bella and her constant attempts to make him cross his carefully drawn line!
"Oh come on! It's obvious the girl is in need. You just cannot deliver!" Emmett laughed loudly still holding his side as he dodged the CD case that had been thrown at his head. The sound of it shattering against the wall behind him echoed up the stairs.
Jasper could only laugh at the strange emotions practically exploding off of Emmet. However, something about questioning his manhood sent him into a small rage. "You guys are being ridiculous. Does the size really matter? Honestly, I feel Alice is always more satisfied by me afterwards..." If he could, his face would have reddened. All this talk of Alice and other intimate activities was just making his need for her to be home worse.
Emmett and Edward blinked, looking to Jasper. In almost perfect unison, they shouted, "You're just saying that because you're small!"
"That's not it at all! I just feel that the reaction from the woman is what matters most, not how big the meat is!" He growled lightly. His blond tresses fell into his face, as he stood up, allowing the emotions in the room to affect his actions.
The argument began to heat up, each male throwing insults to the others. "You must be confusing yourself with the grizzly bears you love so much!" Edward yelled, growling lightly. His fists were in balls now.
"You sure you're brain is reading mine right? The answer is so obvious. There is no one in this house that has a small chance of being bigger than me!" Emmett shouted, tossing one of Esme's new throw pillows into Edwards face. Edward captured it in his hand, gripping it tight enough to allow the seams to pop, sending a cloud of white downy feathers into the air. "Now look what you did! Little vampire Esme is gonna freak!"
Suddenly there was a slamming door from upstairs. Carlisle appeared almost instantly into the room snarling lightly. The room went silent at the sight of an angry Carlisle. "What in the world are you fighting over now? I have you know I have been up there ATTEMPTING," he put emphasis on 'attempting', "to work on a pile of reports for the hospital, and the only thing I can hear from down here is yelling and shattering!"
Emmett shouted out, still stuck in 'argument mode', "I am just trying to put it through my brothers thick skulls that my Big Em is the largest in the house! It's very easy to understand!"
Edward and Jasper opened their mouths to argue further but were cut off by Carlisle's hand. "That is what you have been arguing over…this whole time?" He stared at them as the boys nodded. He grumbled, "Of all the idiotic..." He let out a frustrated sigh. "I will end this."
With one quick movement, his pants had been pulled down exposing his shaft to them. The three of them stared in complete shock; their mouths hung open. Satisfied with their reaction, Carlisle pulled his pants back up. "There. Now if you don't mind! I have work to do." He turned on his heels walking out of the room and back up to his study. The only sound heard was the slam of the office door.
The room was quiet, as the feathers from Esme's destroyed pillow finally floated to the ground, a few stuck to Emmett's and Edwards hair. Their mouths slowly shut, though still completely shocked by what they had just seen.
Emmett blinked a few times glancing to Jasper and Edward. He spoke softly, folding his arms over his chest, "I'm still bigger."