Author's Note: Hey everyone, this is my premiere on this site I guess.

I know this (idea) has been done before (many, many times)... but oh well. In any case, this was written for my best friend's birthday as a replacement for a card, 'cause cards get a little old, sometimes.

Ack... I just read the Guidelines thing and I'm slightly concerned (understatement for those who can't tell) about this little piece. Would you say it's in script form? Does it comply with the Guidelines? I'm going to post it anyway, 'cause I don't think it's a script. I hope. Anyway, if it is, it'll probably be promptly pulled off and I'll be banned, won't that suck. I guess I probably don't have the ability to sit down and write another piece of fanfiction, so it doesn't really matter.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or Rurouni Kenshin. They belong to the mangaka, who are Kubo Taito and Watsuki Nobuhiro, respectively. These series are probably owned by some companies as well, due to the anime rights and all that junk, but I figure that it's enough to let you people know that I don't own it and that I strongly feel that the mangaka deserve huge amounts of credit.

My Own: Zaraki Kenpachi

User's Guide


Q: My Kenpachi has spent half the day locked up in the bathroom and I really need to get in there but he's threatened anyone and anything with great bodily harm. What is he doing and what can I do to get him out?

A: Not to worry. Kenpachi, despite occasional barbaric behaviour, is actually someone who enjoys taking delicate care of his appearance. To tell the truth, he is most likely having trouble placing the bell on his tallest spike. It is suggested that, in the future, it would be wise to wait until he is asleep before sending a ninja in to place the bell on top of his tallest spike (he does not accept offers to have other people help him with his hair, as far as we know). Or to buy knock-out gas. Just please heed his threats- he's not kidding.

Q: My Kenpachi won't stop killing things and I have to explain to my sibling/aunt/uncle/grandparent/teacher/friends why his/her goldfish had to go down the toilet. How do I deal with this?

A: Kenpachi is a warmongering creature in his primary setting. If he thought that the goldfish would put up a good fight… well, he probably thought it was Kurosaki Ichigo. Tell the owner of the goldfish as such. The other option is to lie and say that it wasn't your fault that your toilet must have looked so attractive to the ill-fated goldfish and that the owner of the goldfish should have taken the goldfish to the animal psychiatrist. Also, your Kenpachi probably needs to get his eyes checked.

Q: My Kenpachi spends all day lazing about the house. How can I get him to get some exercise that doesn't involve murdering legions of humans or hollow (which are surprisingly hard to find)?

A: Kenpachi cannot be forced into work, or rather, there has been no evidence so far that indicates the possibility of forcing Kenpachi into work. However, it has been found that he has a fatherly instinct mainly towards our Kusajishi Yachiru model. If a Yachiru model is bought, he will spend the majority of his time running around according to her directions. If one feeds the Yachiru model sugar, he will be forced to spend a large amount of energy taking care of her. For problems with the Yachiru model wrecking the house, please read the Kusajishi Yachiru User's Guide.

Q: My Kenpachi is drinking me out of house and home. I've tried to tell my parents that it wasn't me but they say it's still my fault. How do I get him to curb his habit?

A: We're afraid that Kenpachi is a party-animal by nature. Are you, by any chance, insinuating that you wish for your Kenpachi to be OOC? If so, please contact our main office. However, if you want a model who is both in character and will not drink your parents' alcohol, we suggest that you search for a character model who abstains from the consumption of alcohol. May we suggest Shinomori Aoshi from Rurouni Kenshin?

Q: ...Can't... breathe...

A: Please see warning label on package. If you lack the ability to get to the warning label, please note that taking off Zaraki Kenpachi's eyepatch releases a crushing amount of reiatsu, if Kenpachi's reiatsu didn't crush you before, that is. We suggest that you get Kenpachi's eyepatch back on him as soon as possible.

Q: What happened in Zaraki's past?

A: We'd like to gently insist that it would be appropriate for you to go find out yourself.

I'd appreciate a review, but it's alright if you don't bother. Seriously. No worries. There's no need to feel guilty. I mean, I wouldn't want you to feel sorry for me and let it keep you up at night, conscience probing at your sub-consciousness, making you feel like a terrible person and worrying as badly as Ritsu from Furuba (Don't own it).

In any case, I'm going to go... 'cause I'm not exactly sure what else I should write and I've spent too much time changing this anyway. Do I sound nervous to you?