A/N: Yup, I'm trying for a HidanSaku. The most cracked-up thing I could think of. Go me. Just for your information, this is going to be slow in coming, I believe, since I need to finish up Abendrot and start another requestfic. Very slowly.
It wasn't so much that she was surprised to see him at all, but that she saw him in a church in the middle of nowhere. 'Church' being the operative word. She knew that he was a religious man, no matter how strange the religion was, but he didn't seem very church-y, even the first time she saw him, years ago.
She was there to exchange some healing herbs, bountiful in the Fire Country, for some rare and foreign ones that were in demand. Lucky for her, the rendezvous was in this church, which not only provided some relief from the long journey, but a spectacular view. These stained glass windows were handmade, the villagers told her reverently. For ten years, artisans labored on them until they were complete, a shining story woven with shards of glass.
So why was he here? More importantly, why the hell was she standing next to him?
"Long time no see, bitch."
She was quiet. For all she knew, he still had that abominable scythe strapped away somewhere. Maybe it was retractable and he'd stuck it in his back pocket or something. She leaned over minutely to check, but the heavy black cloak he wore obstructed her view. Damn those obstructing cloaks.
"I don't have it with me right now, damn. You kunoichi are all the same, seriously. Bunch of suspicious bitches."
Sakura knew when someone was way above her league, and being immortal was pretty high up there. So she opted for not saying anything, which was just fine with her, provided he didn't get pissed and…and…rip out her femur and impale her neck with it or something.
"Haruno? Sakura Haruno?"
Both parties turned and spotted the figure walking briskly towards the two, holding the package of herbs, just as planned. The abbess, careworn and a bit plump, fairly glided in front of them and handed the package of herbs to the nervous kunoichi, who nearly dropped the bartering Konoha package in her plight to keep an eye on the man—Hidan, wasn't it?—at all times.
Well. The packages were exchanged, so she might as well be—
"Oh, is that your husband?"
—not going anywhere whatsoever. Because his arm snaked around her waist and pulled her close, and to further hit it home, laid his cheek on the top of her head.
"Yeah," he drawled. Oh, she was so going to dismember that bastard. "We've been married for a couple months. She's kinda feisty, but I like my women energetic. And let me tell you, this woman is an animal in the sack, seriously."
The nun, instead of slapping him or something, simply put her hands on her hips and chided him like a child. This was officially the most disturbing day of her life, bar none.
"Oh, Hidan, you silly little thing. And you never told us you were married! To think you finally settled down. Well, that's good." The woman turned away from the beaming asshole and looked at Sakura more closely this time. "Is she good to you?"
"An absolute angel of God above, no joke."
"Oh, well that's sweet. Oh! I have something for you two, then!"
Oh, merciful God, no. She wouldn't dare. But the woman pulled out two slips of paper, pink and flowery—was that perfume on them?—and handed them towards Sakura, but Hidan grabbed them before she could do anything.
"Um…what are those?" Sakura stared at the woman, trying to convey a 'help me please, get this fucking psycho away from my body' sort of look, but probably just succeeded in looking sick.
"Oh, sweetie," the old woman cooed. "Those are tickets to the hot spring resort, the best one we have here in the Wind Country. You just look like you need them; you're so thin! And you look like you've seen a ghost! I'm afraid they aren't natural, since those things don't just pop up in territory like this, but I assure you they are absolutely heavenly! You and Hidan will fall in love all over again!"
Sakura choked. Whoa, this was happening way too fast. Whatever happened to the mission, and the herbs, and—?
"Thanks, babe," the silver-haired man replied lightly. "We'll be seeing you around, maybe. Catch you later or something."
Thirty agonizing seconds later, and the impromptu pair stepped out of the church into the searing heat. Sakura shoved Hidan away from her, but all she really got out of it was a shooting pain in her arms. He apparently had a very strong grip. Strange how she'd already forgotten that.
"Huh uh," he laughed manically. "We have a fucking date. At the springs. Damn, I can suck up to someone without even attempting it. Those broads are all over me, let me tell you something. Like, seriously, man. Every time I step in there they're trying to give me something. Yesterday it was some tiramisu. That stuff is the shit, I—hey, what's up with you?"
Sakura squirmed and thrashed under his grip, even as he led her—dragged her—down the path that led to the main village, a bustling community nowhere near Suna, unfortunately.
"What is up with me?" She snarled and launched a punch towards his kidneys, which he lazily dodged. "You come out of nowhere and practically molest me, and you're asking what's up with me?"
"You bastard! I'll kill you! You—augh!"
He grabbed her waist and threw him over his shoulders crosswise facing forward, with a steady grip on both her hands and legs.
"Now, now," he murmured. "Just because you think you hate me gives you no right to be a pretentious bitch. That lady gave us tickets to enjoy ourselves and love each other up like fucking newlyweds, which in that place pretty means screwing each other's brains out. It's basically a fuck resort. Maybe I'll score."
Sakura screamed and bucked indignantly, her shrill voice sounding exactly like those girls in low-budget horror flicks. Instead of running to help like they were fucking supposed to, the townspeople and tourists all just shook their empty heads bemusedly, wondering at this strange, newlywed, fever-stricken girl.
He was so dead.
The water was hot and steaming, the rocks felt like real rocks, and the entire building had heated floors. Okay, so there were some pros about the whole situation, the main one being the opportunity to kick back at a place that practically priced her yearly salary for an hour to soak in a giant bathtub.
"God, this water is fucking hot. Why is it always so fucking hot?"
And then there was him. Sakura clenched both hands on the towel she wore, and cursed the fact that it only covered four inches of her thighs. Then again, that was probably the idea. Damned honeymoon resorts. Damn them.
Of course, when she glanced over to observe his entry into the unnatural spring water, she got a face full of dangly. How lovely. Since when did he have the right to shake his junk right in front of her? That was moving the relationship a little too fast. If you wanted to call it a relationship, which of course you could, but…shouldn't. God, this was a headache and a cramp all rolled together.
"Quit staring at my cock. I know it's huge and all, but try to avert your eyes from the unstoppable glory, all right? I don't go around staring at your tits, you know. Shit."
He sat down on the fake rock right beside her, not leaving even an inch of space with which to maneuver and possibly escape to the Realm of the Sane. Figured. So they sat there like that for about five minutes, with Sakura feeling incredibly uncomfortable and Hidan looking smug just like the son-of-a-bitch he was.
On top of that, his arm kept inching over her shoulder like he wanted to put it around her waist and kiss her and tell her how much he loved her or some dumb romantic shtick like that. Well, hell if that was ever going to happen.
"You know," Hidan sighed, leaning over and looking her sideways in the face. "You're not screaming as much as I expected you to. You're usually screaming and trying to punch my head off and shit. Seriously, you're acting pretty fucking boring right now. I was really looking forward to having your fist through my spleen again, like last time. I was dreaming about it."
She coughed and tried to lean away, which of course didn't work. He just leaned even more until she wriggled away, following the sinuous pool edge with a hand—the other still held the towel in place faithfully—and pretending he wasn't following right behind. Sakura especially pretended that in the end, they hadn't ended up in exactly the same position, only this time they had a lovely view of the hotel windows. The couple in 32B seemed to be quite entertained with one another.
"Wow. We should try that sometime. That is true fucking. That is the epitome of fuck right there."
"Oh, my God. I don't want to watch this."
"Why? Is it because you're imagining us doing it? 'Cause I totally am, seriously."
"You are sick."
"And you are slightly tolerable for the moment. Can't you just roll over and let nature take its inevitable course? We are destined to fuck, like, seriously. Jashin told me."
"And this Jashin person. That's just—oh, fuck. And what the hell—your spleen? You got off on me ruining your spleen? That's disgusting."
"Hey, bitch. One man's junk is another man's…whatever. Want some champagne?"
Hidan pointed. Sakura looked. And there it was, a bucket of chilled champagne, one that certainly hadn't been there before, sitting right next to them on the expensive, designer tile. When had they—?
The clinking of champagne flutes brought Sakura out of her steaming pile of mental pain and misery, and she glanced over to see Hidan extracting two thin glasses from the bucket, and then the bottle itself, which didn't look too extraordinary. Also, what the hell? The date on that bottle was way expired.
Serenely, the silver-haired man poured the light, bubbling liquid into the glasses. Sakura reached for a glass with a sigh. If it was drugged, then the drink was obscenely overdue. Why not at the church, or at the reception counter downstairs? Why not five years ago…?
"You gonna drink that, or what? This stuff is apparently fucking expensive. I normally don't go for money, since it corrupts people and turns them from god, but I could see Kakuzu having several multi-cardiac arrests just looking at the damn label, seriously."
"Oh?" Sakura took a small sip. All right, it was good. So she might stay for more. Whatever.
"Yeah, that bastard—did I ever tell you about that shithead?"
"Yes." She whipped her head around and looked at him wide-eyed. "Lots and lots and lots of times. I…really don't want another story. Um, please."
"Okay, okay. Jeeze, bitch. I don't wanna talk about him either." He paused, and they listened to the steam rise off the water, sampling the champagne at regular intervals. It was just like a fancy party! Only people didn't go to parties with towels on. Or…just plain naked. Ugh.
"Where did this champagne come from?"
He glanced at the bucket. "Oh, this place is operated by Suna ANBU when they're off duty. For extra money, you know. Service from the shadows, they call it. And if you're wondering why they aren't on my ass, it's because I'm not in the Bingo Book here. I didn't exactly shine my light on the world long enough to make an impression in the fucking Akatsuki."
Sakura huffed and set her champagne glass aside, and, sure enough, as soon as she turned her back it was gone with a slight breeze. Damn, they were good. Tsunade would probably like to invest in something like this…
"Hidan, you never really told me about all that," Sakura yawned lengthily, completely unaware of her towel slipping down. Her companion, however, was enjoying every second of her beautiful tits, as he would call them. "I mean, Shikamaru said you were at the bottom of a hole in pieces, and so I went to check it out and you were already healing. So then I left to tell someone, and when I came back, you were gone.
"And then, I go on some random mission like two years later and you're there. Just—just standing there looking at me funny. And after that, I see you on every single mission, and it's always like you'd always been there. The people in the town knew you, the—it was just weird. Then I found out that you'd been helping me with my missions without me knowing it, and as soon as I found that out, you disappear for five years. I really thought I was done with—are you listening to me? Hey!"
Asleep. He was asleep. That bastard. She heaved the biggest sigh yet and turned over on her stomach, crawling out of the water onto the tile and hating the gravity change. Gravity sucked, and that was just a cold, hard fact. The towel was retied, and Sakura prepared to walk through the doors into the changing room and out of Hidan's life forever. It would work, of course, but only if she didn't look at him. Just didn't look. Didn't—she looked. And there it was. The Look.
"Where you off to, bitch? Leaving me? That wouldn't be the first time." He stared up at her from the edge of the pool with half-lidded eyes, scanning her figure innocently. She didn't know why, but that look made her go weak in the knees. It was probably leftover gravity changing stuff, but then why would his voice have anything to do with it? Because when he talked like that, quiet baritone with a hint of whisper, she wanted to jump on his lap and ride him like a—wait. No. No.
"I…am just going upstairs. To our, uh, room." She paused for a moment. "Wasn't it…seventeen-C?"
"Okay, well, I'm headed up there now, so…bye."
Sakura turned and made a mad dash for the sliding door, all too aware of a piercing gaze following her and a set of long fingers drumming the marble thoughtfully. Of course, it would've helped the drama of the whole situation if she hadn't slipped in the puddles of water stagnant on the escape route (that the ANBU stealth workers had missed in their previous mopping escapades). It would also have been nice if her towel hadn't decided to come undone right then. Damn towel.