A/N: The end! There will not be a sequel to this. Ever.
Hidan, being the tactful operator that he was, marched right up to them and demanded a meeting with The Man, whom Sakura assumed was the leader of the mob.
Watching the four interact with one another with enough animosity in the air to kill a small dog, Sakura made a decision.
"Um, Hidan," she called out uncertainly. "I'm just going to hang out over here while you go inside and talk to those people, okay…? I just don't want to get involved. …Hidan?"
"…and this is my wife," the silver-haired man ended his endless tirade. "If you touch her I'll rip your cocks off."
"Just get the hell in here with the money," the slimy one barked back. "We're not interested in your little girlfriend."
"Well, you should be. Just don't be, because if you do I'll seriously rip them off."
Back at Sakura's convenient hiding place—a cluster of dying trees—she groaned to herself and clenched her fists. Why did he have to be so embarrassing? She closed her eyes and called out again.
"I'm staying right here, you insane asshole! You take care of that money thing and I'll just sit here and wait."
"Oh, I don't think so. You're coming with me."
She opened her eyes, and there he was, crouched down in front of her. And he had that blank look on his face again, the one that meant she wasn't going to like what was coming.
"You're coming inside, bitch."
"No! No I'm not! Hey, don't touch me! Put me down!"
"I'm just going to be a minute, all right? Calm the fuck down."
"How can you even say that? You're insane if you think I'm going into that trash heap of a town!"
"Well, we're already past the front gate, so you can't go back now. It would be rude."
"You don't care about manners, considering you don't have them. Just drop me off here at this store. I'll—I'll stay here and shop."
Hidan paused in his trek down the city street behind the three grungy-looking men and looked at the shop in question.
"You want to go into a pastry shop? No. Your ass doesn't need to get any fatter than it is right now. Go to the health store over there and eat granola or whatever shit people eat to lose weight."
Sakura wiggled out of his grasp and hopped to the entrance of the pastry shop.
"I can eat whatever I want, thanks. I'm going in here now. Try not to be too long or I just might have to buy everything in the whole store."
"And then I'd be so fat I couldn't move!"
He laughed sadistically, which was the only kind of laugh he ever used. "If you think that alone would get rid of me, you've got another thing coming."
"It's 'another think coming.' Because—oh, never mind."
And then he was gone, trailing after the lackeys.
Sakura was extremely glad she had picked a pastry shop as her home base. She'd never believe there could be this many kinds of cakes, pies, and gooey things by any stretch of imagination.
Well, thank goodness she'd stolen some of the money from Hidan's bag. Then at least she could pay for all of it.
"I'd like some of that there," she told the cashier. "And that, and one of those, and three of those, and a quarter pound of some of those there…"
By the time ten minutes had passed, Sakura Haruno had succeeded in obtaining a grand six pounds of heart attack from that little store, and the old man at the counter was on his knees thanking whatever god had sent her to save his business.
Sakura, with no intention of wasting the day, crossed over to the health store on the other side of the street and scoped out the situation there. The layout was the same: tiled floor, wide front counter, and shelves of items on the remaining three sections of wall.
This store was just a bit more…green.
"Hello, miss, how may I help you?" The shopkeeper greeted her cordially.
"Oh," Sakura hummed a bit. "What do you have that's like super healthy to eat? See, I have a—a husband, and he'll only eat healthy food."
"This is a health store," the woman laughed. "I guess you've come to the right place. Anything here is guaranteed to be good for you, even if it doesn't taste good at all."
"Well, you know, he only likes to eat things as plain as possible. If you could just give me some plain oats or raw broccoli or something…he eats stuff like that. A lot."
"What a man."
"He really is."
Sakura left the store minutes later, laden down with two pounds each of granola and broccoli stems. Revenge was more satisfying the more creative you got, really. She'd make Hidan eat all this for making her life a living hell once again.
It was obvious this place hadn't seen rain in a really long time, Sakura noticed as she kicked up a cloud of dust. She could even feel the dryness in the air, so thin and yet so heavy at the same time that she wanted to roll on the ground and try to find any resemblance of comfort she could find, even at the risk of losing all her dignity.
Just as she was picking out a nice spot in the shade of a street sign, a second explosion off in some warehouses in the distance sent shock waves pulsing through the ground and nearly knocked her off her feet. That would be Hidan, then.
Sakura lurched moodily to the middle of the street and waited for the inevitable circus.
She wasn't kept waiting for long.
"Shit, get outta my way, dumbasses!"
And there he came running down the middle of the street, uniform shredded and bloody, dragging his scythe in the dirt behind him and dropping kunai as he went. Behind him, at least fifteen men in suits and five hookers followed at a distance, screaming profanity at the rapidly escaping man.
"Hidan, what the hell—wah!"
He grabbed her around her waist as he sped by, hauling her over his shoulder without missing a beat. Her attempts to question his batshit insane antics were immediately rendered ridiculous as his godforsaken galloping knocked the breath out of her every other second.
"Hi-dan, wha-t are youuu—ow—doi-ng?"
"Running away, bitch!"
They passed through the front gate, adding two drunk guards to the mob.
"I can—ugh—see tha-a-t."
"I couldn't manage to get all of them, so I had to fucking blow the place up. I think that blond shithead had the right idea, seriously. I'm going to be blowing shit up every chance I get. This is great!"
Thankfully, he slowed to a walk.
"Hidan? You're being unusually docile. Not even going to argue about it?"
"I guess I'll behave for what time we have left. We're not that far from the fucking Fire Country."
"That's impossible! We're so out of the way from there right now."
"You just got turned around, you stupid bitch. I, on the other hand, took it upon myself to keep track of our position."
"How chivalrous of you. So where are we, then? East of it, west of it?"
"West, no shit. We did come from Suna, you know."
"Mmm," she growled at him and fell silent. Of course, he would have none of that.
"Sooo…when can I see you again?"
"Never! I'll kill you if I see you again!"
"Oh, fuck that. Since you mentioned it, though, I did notice a succinct lack of murder attempts this time around."
"I was too busy to kill you."
"Uh huh. I just think you're finally falling in love with me."
"God, no. You're disgusting."
"Just because I'm covered with blood and guts? Shit, some people are so judgmental, seriously."
"I mean mentally. And besides, if we did have a relationship…"
"I knew it! You're giving in! I fucking won!"
"…then it would be incredibly boring. I mean, all our conversations are the same. It starts out innocently enough, but it ends up with you trying to get me to let you rape me. Entertaining? Somewhat. Healthy? No. And speaking of which, I got you some food."
"A peace offering! Praise Jashin!"
He dropped her in a patch of flowers—her breath got knocked out again—and snatched a sack from her hands.
"Chocolate! I knew you loved me!"
Sakura tore her other bag open, picked up the walking again, and groaned at the broccoli and granola sitting there innocently. He got the wrong freaking—
"Hidan, that's mine. I meant to give you this one. It's better…"
"No, this is fine. I already ate all of it."
"There was a whole pound of chocolate truffles in there!" She screeched.
"And I enjoyed every bite. I knew you always cared about me."
"Oh, I'm going to scream again," Sakura picked herself up from the bed of flowers and shoved a handful of granola in her mouth irritably. Hidan burped, now covered with blood and chocolate.
"Well, here it is."
Sakura looked up. There, in front of her, was nothing out of the ordinary.
"What is it?"
"It's the borderline, bitch."
"You could always come with me, you know, because I need to go back and kill the rest of those fuckers…"
"No, no," Sakura snapped. "I'm not ever going to see you again. I'll make sure of it."
"And how will you manage that?"
He grinned, and she glared back. It was just like old times.
"So am I still a wanted convict now?"
"Nah, I'll take care of it. No one takes those people serious, shit. Quit worrying about everything."
"…I feel like this is just thrown together at the last minute."
"The explosions. The spa before that. That crazy lady in the church. Me leaving, and you just leaving after I leave. It just feels weird. In fact, this whole thing was weird to begin with. So…I'm going to take a really long nap when I get home. And stuff."
Sakura sped up her pace, jogging and then running like hell through the forest, clutching her bag of health food—All organic!—and glancing over her shoulder every few seconds, more relieved by the minute as she got farther and farther from the walking psyche ward.
Doing her best to ignore his shouting, and trying to think of what to say to Tsunade when she got back to the village, she ran and ran, praying no one would patrol by right then. God, that would suck.
"I'll see you again, bitch!"
"Bring me some fucking chocolate milk when you come and see me next time!"
No, no, no, no.
"Only don't get that vitamin enriched kind. Shit's gross."
In that case, she'd definitely get that kind.
"I'll see you soon! And then I'll convert you and we'll fuck!"
Oh, she just couldn't wait.