Disclaimer: I do NOT like the band Scouting for Girls! Oh and I don't own Harry Potter. I just bought Hogwarts though- I move in Sunday. ;D Oh and enjoy- this took effing ages but people seem to like it!

Harry Potter and the Sex Change of Hogwarts

By Caspre

Chapter I


I'm fighting through the mist of the bitter evening, and where the hell is he? He promised to be here, didn't he? What the fuck is his problem? Does he think he's being clever by making me wait?

Enough. I'm leaving. I turn around and head the way back I came.

The castle soon looms into view, but Filch's rickety frame doesn't quite penetrate the mist in time.

"Student out of bed, eh?" He practically squeals in glee, "Come with me my boy."

Shit. I really should've brought the invisibility cloak. What do I do? I have two choices: be a little first year and toddle off with the caretaker, or make a break for it. He'll forget it was me by the morning, after he's curled up in bed with his skanky cat and a bottle of firewhisky. So I bolt.

"OY! GET BACK HERE!" Filch wheezes. I don't give a damn. I'm already too pissed that Malfoy has totally stood me up.


Rephrase. That sounded a bit gay, didn't it?

Am I actually pissed that he didn't show up?

Because yeah, it's a bit dickwad-ish, but at least I don't have to waste my time duelling that jumped-up little ferret.

There's the Pink Lady. What's the password again...?

"I'm waiting, young man!"

Shit. Is Hermione back from the library yet?

"Hello, Potter." A horribly familiar drawl. It's that bloody ferret. And is that his wand poking into the back of my neck?