I do not own Naruto.
How Tsunade Got Her Groove Back
My name is Tsunade, the Godaime Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaf and the last surviving legendary sannin. I'm the granddaughter of a legend and the student of a legend. I have an army of the finest shinobi in the ninja world who are willing and ready to do whatever I tell them to do at any given moment. My hair is golden, my eyes are auburn, and my breasts weigh close to ten pounds each. I'm the hottest fifty year old that has ever lived, and with my strength and my beauty, men crumble at my feet. So, in other words…I'm one bad bitch…
…but I'm horny as hell…
And it's starting to be a distraction too. I'm Hokage after all, it's inappropriate and inefficient for me to be thinking about sex all day, but that's exactly what I find myself doing 75 of the time. For example, just the other day I was sitting in my office doing paperwork and Hyuuga Hiashi walked in….
"Hokage-sama, may I have a moment of your time?"
He walked in and stood in front of my desk in his typically boring Hyuuga robes. Of course he was frowning, but I don't think he was upset…that's just the way he looks.
"Lovely day we're having, isn't it? It's a perfect spring day."
"Hai." At this point in the conversation I was already bored with the man wishing that he would cut the small talk and get to the point. "What can I do for you?"
"I hear that you're going to an inter-village meeting next week. I was wondering if I could come with you. You see I—"
Ok. Timeout. This is the point were he lost me in a sea of horniness. Can he come with me? It took a whole arsenal of willpower for me to resist the urge to say, 'Oh Hell Yes! You can come all you want to!' But, I think that would have been inappropriate.
But you see what I mean…little things like that affect me. He spent another thirty minutes talking to me, but all I could think about was smut…dirty, dirty smut. In the course of our meeting together I had connected all of the man's physical features to something sex related. Here is the list that I compiled…
He frowns so much because he is sexually frustrated. However, if I administered five dosages of mind boggling intercourse with the man per week for the next month, I think I could upgrade him from frown to scowl.
Those loose robes, I think he wears them to hide his enormous bulge.
I think the eyes are self-explanatory. I'd bet all my money and Shizune's leg that he's used them to ogle every woman in the village.
The long hair. Here's a rule of thumb that I learned about men with long hair. On average they screw five times longer than men with short hair…why do you think I got involved with Dan in the first place?
The scars on his body are not from battle…they are wounds from rough sexual encounters.
There are ten more points on this list, but I think you get the point: my mind is in the gutter and as Hokage, it shouldn't be. It should be on official Hokage business. It should be on missions and on village welfare and blah blah blah, but it's not and I think people are starting to notice my lack of concentration.
So, I have to nip my sexual desire in the bud for the sake of the village. And the first step in kicking any habit is to trace it back and find the original cause. In my case, there are two causes:
One: Jiraiya. I know, I know, it's not very nice to blame a dead man for my problems, but he has played a significant role in my recent horniness. You see, even though I have been publicly rejecting Jiraiya's advances for years, in private he and I were banging more often than rabbits in the springtime. At my place, at his place, at the hot springs, on the training grounds, on missions, at the hospital, in the Hokage's mansion, in Youndaime's apartment…we did it everywhere. But now he's dead and my sex buddy, my friend with benefits, my booty call, he's gone and I'm left alone and horny.
Secondly: I'm Hokage. I just can't go around having sex all willy-nilly. It would affect my ability to lead. Imagine what the village tabloids would say: Konoha Under Attack: Horny Hokage Nowhere to Be Found, Too Busy Screwing. Gosh, imagine that. I would lose the respect of my shinobi and of the villagers, smearing the name of Hokage. That's why Jiraiya was perfect for me. He didn't mind keeping our shit a secret, but the rest of the men in this village are hopeless. They drool at the very sight of me. If I slept with one of those fools, they'd be sure to brag about it all over the village.
Ok. There are the causes of my sexual dilemma and here is my solution: Baodjan Chu. Also known as health balls, twirling two of these metallic objects in my hand and listening to them chime and clink together softly is such a stress reliever. It relieves me of physical, mental, and, yes oh yes, sexual frustration. So, every time I feel an inappropriate thought coming on, I'll just whip these babies out and douse the fire…if you know what I mean.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Opps, someone's at the door. I gotta run, but I'll talk with you all later to update you on my progress with this matter. Ok, Tsunade out.
"Come in," Tsunade leaned back casually in her chair as she watched Yamato appear through her office door. Dressed in his ANBU attire, he removed his mask and addressed her.
"Tsunade-sama, I'm here to report on my latest mission."
"Was it a success?"
"Hai," Yamato responded feeling quite pleased with himself. "Although, I did have to use some of the medical techniques that you taught me before I left. They did come in handy after all."
Tsunade smiled. "You see, what did I tell you?"
"Yeah, you were right. The feudal lord's daughter was under some kind of hypnotic jutsu. So I did what you told me and gave her the antidote you prepared…there were some complications though."
"Like what," Tsunade questioned as she raised an eyebrow inquisitively.
"Well, her throat had swollen up considerably and she couldn't swallow the antidote without some assistance. So, I stuck a rod into her mouth…"
"…and I let the liquid seep down her throat through the rod…"
"…then I pumped my chakra through the rod to activate the antidote like you told me…"
"...but it didn't seem to work, so I kept pumping and pumping and pumping…"
"Yamato," Tsunade interrupted him. "Could you hold that thought for one second?" With that, Tsunade pulled open her desk drawer and removed a small, green and gold box. Opening it carefully, she removed two metallic objects and started twirling them around furiously. Clink. Clink. Clink.
Puzzled by her action, Yamato gazed at her quizzically and asked: "What are those?"
"Baodjan Chu," she replied simply
"What?" Her answer had only confused the ANBU more.
Tsunade chuckled inwardly. "It's not important. Please continue."
Yamato scratched his head and continued. "Right…well…like I said I kept pumping more chakra and then I realized that the rod wasn't in her throat far enough…"
Clink. Clink. Clink. The pace of the objects twirling in Tsunade's hand increased.
"…so, I shoved the rod deeper into her throat until she gagged a little…"
Clink. Clink. Clink. Clink. Clink. Clink…….
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