Sorry for the hiatus. I'm back for more though, so here's another chapter. –Leyla10

Enlightenment

Where am I?

What is that light? It's so bright.

Am I…am I dead?

Damn it!

I died.

I died.

I died having SEX!

I can't die from having sex. It's so un-Hokage like. This is so not in line with the Kage legacy. I mean think about it.

Shodai: died in battle.

Nidaime: died in battle.

Sandaime: died in battle.

Yondaime: died in battle.

Godaime: death by orgasm.

I can only imagine what my headstone will say. Here lies Tsunade, may she ride off into the warm, radiant sunset of the afterlife…in reverse cowgirl position.

That damned Kakashi! He knew this would happen. He knew my old heart couldn't take such vigorous activity. He knew he would sex me to death. This was all just an elaborate, albeit enjoyable, underhanded way of getting me out of the way so he could be Hokage. He took advantage of me! Well…I guess it was me who really took advantage of him, but I'm allowed to vent damn it…I'm DEAD!

"Dead?" a voice came from the distance. "Tsunade-hime, you always did assume the worst."

A bright light flashed before Tsunade's eyes. Suddenly, she could make out the outline of a body approaching her. It was a man, a silver-haired man, with four attractive, half-naked women clutching at his sides possessively.

Her breath caught in her throat.

"J-Jiraiya…is that really you?" She stammered.

"The one and only."

A small smile crept upon Tsunade's face. "Then I guess…I guess I really am dead."

Jiraiya chuckled. "No, you're not dead."

"Then how? Where are we?"

"It's difficult to say, but just think of this place as a sort of sexual nirvana."

Tsunade blinked incredulously.

"….sexual nirvana…." She murmured.

"Yep," Jiraiya gave her a hearty pat on the back. "It's a place reserved for those who've reached sexual enlightenment."

"Huh?"

"Ha," Jiraiya laughed. "Don't be coy. You know what I mean. It's basically what happens when someone experiences the perfect sexual encounter...beyond orgasmic…"

Tsunade rouged as Jiraiya continued.

"I guess this means that my busty little Hokage has been getting busy. And since this is your first time here, I suppose that this also means that every time we made love I never got you here." Jiraiya rubbed his jaw as if he were in deep thought. "I guess this also means that this new fellow you're doing is a better lover than me."

Jiraiya pouted. "I guess you don't miss me at all," he murmured with a sad chuckle.

"Baka," Tsunade's cheeks rouged as she cast her eyes downward. "Of course I miss you, it's just that—"

"So, who is he?" Jiraiya interrupted.

"Who?"

"The guy who just fucked your brains out."

Tsunade frowned. "A real lady doesn't kiss and tell."

Jiraiya let loose a deep belly laugh. "Don't forget who you're talking to. I know you too well to buy that line."

"I guess you do," Tsunade chuckled. Sighing audibly, she stepped nearer to her deceased comrade. "…Jiraiya…I really do miss you. I never…I never got a chance to… to say goodbye. I need to tell you how much you mean—"

Jiraiya reached out and grasped her hand suddenly.

"Don't get all sentimental on me Tsunade-hime."

"…but Jiraiya—"

" You have to let go of me." Jiraiya coaxed her hand, eyes giving off that familiar Jiraiya twinkle. "It's time for you to love again. We can't let those jugs of yours go to waste, now can we?"

"Baka," she murmured with a smile. "…so, why are you here?"

"Me?" Jiraiya replied. "I'm here because I'm a real sexual guru. If you reach sexual nirvana enough times during your lifetime, you get a permanent seat here for all eternity."

Tsunade chuckled. "That figures. You probably did so many skanks in your lifetime that you set a record for getting to this place."

"Wrong again curves," Jiraiya shook his head. "I only experienced enlightenment after making love with you."

Tsunade's breath caught in the back of her throat.

"But don't let that go to your head," Jiraiya continued as his hand slipped out of hers. "It's nothing to write home about. I only hope that this new guy gets you here as many times as you got me here."

The fog began to thicken as Jiraiya and his women began to fade into the distance.

"Jiraiya," Tsunade called out as she felt her body pull in the opposite direction.

As he receded away, Jiraiya called out:

"You have my permission Tsunade-hime…you have my permission to love again."

A tear fell down Tsunade's cheek.

"…Jiraiya…"


"Wow," a barely conscious Tsunade heard a masculine voice exclaim. Her eyes fluttered open and she was immediately aware of Kakashi's presence next to her. She had no idea how long she had been 'out,' but her breath was still ragged and beads of sweat were still rolling down her bare skin, so she surmised that she hadn't been out that long.

"Tsunade-sama," Kakashi breathed heavily. "That was…wow…"

He trailed off, stupid smile lingering on his face.

Nothing but the sound of air entering and exiting their lungs filled the air. For what seemed like an eternity, they both just breathed, recalling the heated sexual encounter.

Finally Kakashi continued.

"Was it wow for you too?"

"I blacked out," Tsunade replied. "I fucking blacked out."

"Wow."

"Yeah, wow."

Both upon the flat of their backs, they stared up at the ceiling as if it were a magnificent starry sky and the next few minutes passed without a word. The scene was absurd in a sense. Both were stark naked, splayed upon the medical table as freely as if they were in their own bedroom. Tsunade couldn't deny it, she felt free. She felt exhilarated. It was as if a heavy burden had been lifted from her very soul…a good bang can do that to a woman…

She heard Kakashi murmur something. Another 'wow' had escaped from his lips, a fact of which he seemed oblivious. His stare was still absently piercing the ceiling.

Suddenly he flipped over, his face looking as boyish as Tsunade had ever seen it. His usually empty pupils filled with an emotion that looked completely youthful. She met his gaze. Her pupils filled with an emotion that looked completely…lustful.

"Let's do it again," Kakashi blurted out, his hand reaching up to fiddle with one of Tsunade's blonde locks.

Tsunade closed her eyes, his gaze was distracting.

Then she heard him whisper:

"Please."

She whispered in reply helplessly, breathily:

"Yes."


A bright, white light flashed before Tsunade's eyes…a familiar bright, white light…

'Fuck,' Tsunade thought to herself. 'He's going to think I'm such a-"

"Whore?" Jiraiya's voice rang from behind her. "Now why would I think that Tsunade-Hime? Because you were here less than an hour ago. Because you were so horny that you went in for seconds in the middle of the afternoon. Because we shared that emotional goodbye not too long ago and yet you were still in the frame of mind to go get laid…again?"

Jiraiya shook his head, a knowing smirk gracing his lips. "No, no my dear Tsunade-Hime," he continued, "that doesn't make you a whore. A floozy maybe, possibly even a slut, but no, not a whore."

Tsunade's face was a bright shade of red.

"But now you've got to tell me," Jiraiya urged. "Who is it?"

"I'm not going to tell you," Tsunade replied.

"Oh come on…a third time…" Jiraiya let loose a deep laugh, reveling in the mortification smeared across Tsunade's face.

"Baka," she murmured. "This is why I can't tell you. I can just hear all your stupid jokes already. If I tell you who, I'll never hear the end of it."

Jiraiya was undeterred. "Now you really have to tell me? You have to tell me," Jiraiya pondered before throwing Tsunade his best pout, "so I can finally rest in peace."

"Jiraiya," Tsuande rolled her eyes, "you're surrounded by beautiful women for the rest of eternity…you might not be doing much resting, you might not be at peace, but you're certainly getting all the ass you could ever want…which seems a little better."

"Fine Hime, twenty questions and if I can't figure out who this mystery person is, then I'll never ask you again."

Tsunade shook her head. "Ten questions."

"Fine," Jiraiya started. "Male?"

Tsunade let out a snort.

"What? Don't look at me like that." Jiraiya protested. "Shizune was pretty into you. And that Dan guy was pretty feminine looking. And it's always been a bit suspect which team you're playing for."

"Yes, male," she huffed, unwilling to engage Jiraiya's accusations, rouging as she recalled the state she left Shizune in at her office.

"Shinobi?"

"Yes."

"Bloodline limit?"

"Umm...kinda…."

"Kinda is not an answer Hime. Either he was born with freak eyes or-"

"Or what," Tsunade replied, watching Jiraiya's face contort as the wheel's in his head turned.

"No way," Jiraiya thought out loud. "He would never….because you're so…old…"

"Watch it," Tsunade warned.

"Is it Hatake Kakashi?"

Tsunade glanced away. It was all the answer Jiraiya needed.

"Well hot damn," Jiraiya gave Tsunade a hearty pat on the back. "You big breasted cradle robber, you realize he's like half your age don't you. What, did junior need a wet nurse?"

"I…Jiraiya…it…" Tsunade was at a loss for words.

"The question is why would a young, handsome, talented shinobi waste his youth on an old, droopy, saggy, granny Hokage. Did you order him to have sex with you or something?"

"Of course not."

"Was he trying to get a promotion or a raise?"

"No."

"Was he maimed in battle and rendered completely hideous and untouchable to man, woman, and the transgendered community and out of pity…or desperation…you slept with him?"

"Jiraiya," Tsuande shot him a look.

"Was he drunk, drugged, or otherwise mentally disturbed?"

"It was a fucking aphrodisiac baka!"

Jiraiya blinked.

"So…he was drugged? Tsunade-hime, that's—"

"Don't say it," Tsunade interrupted. "Don't even say it."

"I'm his grand-sensei. I have to say it."

"Grand-sensei," Tsunade scoffed. "Please, spare me. You forgot that you were Naruto's godfather for sixteen years. Don't you waive useless titles in front of me."

Jiraiya shrugged. "Ok. I won't say it."

"Really?"

"No, it's like you don't know me at all. You raped him!"

"It was consensual. "

"He was drugged. How is that consensual?"

"It was consensually drugged sex."

"What the hell does that even mean?"

Tsunade fell to her knees. "You're right. I'm a rapist!" She balled desperately. "What am I going to do Jiraiya? They're going to strip me of my title, drag me through the streets in disgrace, then lock me in jail and throw away the key. I'll be so demoralized that I won't be able to defend myself in jail and then I'll become someone's bitch. She'll have her way with me and I'll have to do odd things to her in return. Then, one day Kakashi will break in to seek revenge on me and kill me for my transgressions. I'll deserve all of it too because I'm such a bad person!"

"There, there," Jiraiya placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "You're the Hokage. You have nothing to worry about Hime."

"What do you mean?"

"You have the power. Throw him in jail, let him be fed by a death-mute. No one will ever have to know your dirty little secret."

Tsunade sniffled. "Grand-sensei, huh?"

Jiraiya shrugged. "What can I say…hos' before bros'…"

Tsunade blinked.

"Well Hime, what are you going to do?"


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