A/N: This idea completely took me by surprise. I've been wanting to do a character study of Jess for a while now, so I guess it was only a matter of time before a true idea came to me. Enjoy my first Literati (sort of)!
Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls. Wendy (my muse) is all mine though! So back off!
He sits in his father's study. It isn't really a study, but he lacks a better word for it. It's the middle of the night and he's exhausted, but he can't sleep. He is afraid. It's not something he would ever admit to anyone – after all, he is the fearless, reckless, uncontrollable kid from New York. He's not supposed to be afraid. But what can he do if the girl he loves still plagues his dreams?
He put an entire country between them. But he still thinks about her all the time. He's tried to call her before, but once her hears that voice, his own freezes. What could he tell her anyway? What explanation does he have for picking up and leaving without any notice? But the hardest thing to explain is why he treated her the way he did before leaving. That night in Kyle's bedroom and the whole night leading up to it was one of the worst nights of his life. All he could think through the whole debacle was that he let her down. One of the only people left who believed that he had potential, and he'd let her down.
A swift kick to the wall leaves a scuffmark. Probably should have taken his shoes off before he decided to kick innocent walls. He sits desolately in a chair facing the window. It's raining outside. Wasn't California supposed to be sunny all the time? That's what all the songs said anyway. Rain was only depressing. But in a way, it matches his mood perfectly. What exactly was he hoping for when he came to find his long-lost father? An instant connection? No. Of course not. What he really wanted was to forget everything. If he could just ditch Stars Hollow, he could forget the two people that he let down. He never had to see their faces again. He remembers the way his uncle's face looked the night he told him he was failing. He was going to flunk out of high school. That flicker of disappointment, before it was covered with anger. He just couldn't take it. His girlfriend was mad at him; possibly wanted to break up. He didn't know. The final straw was finding out that his uncle didn't tell him about his father coming. That was when he knew that he couldn't take it anymore.
It's in his nature to want to just disappear every time something goes wrong. Just look at his mother. She can't stay still. Just because he resents her, it doesn't change the fact that he carries her genes. At that point, too much was wrong. Too many things were out of his control and he needed to escape. So being ordered to leave was the perfect excuse to get out. And he bolted the next morning to California. What he didn't plan on was seeing her again.
He sighs, picturing her face that day on the bus. It still tears at his heart. He narrows his eyes and grabs the phone. He's going to call her; he's made up his mind. First digit. He knows the number by heart. Second digit. Maybe it's a little late to be calling. Third digit. What will she think when he calls? Fourth digit. This could be a very big mistake. Fifth digit. She won't accept his explanations anyway. Sixth digit. He's a coward. He presses the end call button and slams the phone shut.
Slowly, he sinks onto the ground. He can't do this. It's so stupid. He's been through millions of girls and gets over all of them each time. The minute he breaks up with one, he's back with another. So why is he so hung up over this particular girl? The answer is crystal clear, but he doesn't want to believe it. He doesn't want to believe that he's just left the only girl he ever loved.
He gets up and searches the shelves for a CD to put on. Anything. He randomly grabs one off the shelf and puts it on, careful to keep the volume low. He thinks his way through the first song, not really catchy enough to grab his attention. The second song comes on. And a love song begins to play. Play to the room – empty except for one lonely, broken-hearted, anything-but-a-rebel teenager.