Dear Mello,

I am writing this letter to apologize for my behavior the other day. That was completely uncalled for, and I acted on a whim.

I actually wanted to thank you for not kissing me. There are times when I question your sexuality, but I am confident with my assumptions now.

Thank you, Mello.

Sincerely, Near

Near carefully sealed the envelope, and slipped it under Mello's door.

Ahh, Near thought, clear conscience.

Mello was watching tv in his room when out of the corner of his eye, he saw a white envelope appear under his door.

He read the letter, not trying to hold back his laughter. "You're confident with your assumptions now, Near?" He laughed. "You fucking twat…"

Mello was so amused with Near's letter, he decided to write one of his own. As if the pen knew what was coming, he quickly found it sitting on his desk, and started to write his reply to the annoying little white boy.

Dear annoying twat,

I'm glad you realized what an idiot you are for asking me to kiss you.

And what the hell makes you think I'm gay? Why the fuck would I have a picture of Misa Misa under my bed if I was gay? You're an idiot. And even if I was gay, there is no way in hell I would kiss you.

Why don't you go drown in the water fountain outside.


He put the letter back in the envelope and opened his door, walking down the hallway to Near's room. On his way, he spotted Matt leaning against the wall, playing his DS. Matt looked up as Mello walked by.

"What are you doing?" Matt asked, curious as to why Mello was smiling.

Mello just kept walking, while Matt followed. Mello slipped the letter under Near's door, holding in his laughter, before going back to his own room, followed by Matt.

Mello bit off a piece of his chocolate bar, and it was not long before he received Near's reply.

Dear Mello,

To answer your question, there are many things that signal your homosexuality to me.

1) Matt is always in your room with the door locked.

2) When L found that picture of Misa Misa, it looked brand new, so you obviously haven't touched it much.

3) You always wear that black V-neck t-shirt that's too small, so whenever you move, your midriff shows.

4) Your hair is quite feminine. Not to mention you take at least an hour perfecting the curl at the end of your hair before Matt comes over.

Sincerely, Near

When Matt started laughing uncontrollably, Mello punched him in the arm.

"Ow! What the heck?!"

Mello scowled, grabbing the pen still sitting on his bed. He was attempting to brainstorm what to write, when Matt broke the silence.

"Do you really fix your hair before I come over?" He asked curiously.


"I was just asking—"


Dear Near, (aka, fucking idiot)

1) I am not gay. Especially not for Matt.

(Matt furrowed his eyebrows.)

2) You are the biggest, SMALLEST moron I've ever met.

3) I hate you.

Fucking die.


Mello angrily shoved the letter into the envelope, walking quickly to Near's room, slipping the letter under his door. When he got back to his room, Matt was still lounging on his bed.

"Hey, Mello, can I ask you a question?"

Mello rolled his eyes, annoyed. "What?" He said, grabbing a new chocolate bar off his desk.

"You promise you wont get mad?"

"Fuck no."

Matt sighed, "Okay, then. I guess I won't ask."

"WHAT DO YOU WANT, MATT." Mello bit off a piece of the bar.

"Okay, okay. Well, I was wondering," Matt's voice grew softer, "Um…are you gay?"

He didn't even get the chance to take those words back, before Mello turned and threw the chocolate bar at Matt's head.

"Ow! Fuck, Mello!" He rubbed the spot that would surely have a large bruise tomorrow. "I think I'm bleeding…"

"Shut the fuck up," Mello said, when the white envelope appeared under his door. He was actually anticipating Near's reply. What kind of comeback could he possibly come up with? Mello's eyes grew excited as he opened the envelope.

Dear Mello,

This is Rodger.

Your language in this letter is appalling. I highly suggest you reconsider your vocabulary, and end your unnecessary quarreling with Near.

As punishment, you will be cleaning the toilets all next week.

Your administrator,



Matt was covering his mouth with his hand to stifle his giggling, as Mello's hand swung down to punch Matt in the arm once more.