Title: Downfall and Release.

Show: L&O: CI

Pairing: BA

Disclaimer: Sadly enough, I don't own anything. This is written for pure enjoyment only and no profit to be gained!

Rating: T for language and references to suicide. This is NOT a character death fic! Warning: Very angst!

Spoilers: Untethered, Amends, The End, In The Wee Small Hours, The War At Home, Blind Spot and mentions of others (so, the major ones in other words). LOL. It's pretty much all over the map with hints of episodes here and there.

Authors Note: PLEASE READ THIS. This is my first CI fic! Yay! Please let me know what you think! I just recently became interested in LOCI...about two months ago now, so I hope this will live up to your standards! I have a pretty good feeling about, Goren and Eames so I hope you like it! Having said that, the only episodes I've really seen are: Amends and Untethered. Youtube videos are what helped and inspired me to write this story. Also, I want to thank in advance all of the people at the tvdotcom website for answering all of my questions that I so randomly ask.
I am more interested in Goren's depression side of him. I am warning you now that this is going to be one hell of a roller coaster filled with emotions and a lot of anguish. This is an anguish based story so don't be surprised when you find A LOT of it. I AM going to take them a little out of character because I want to play with the characters a bit…more so depending on the part of the story; so, don't judge me yet until you've read some of what I've written. That's all that I ask. Thanks (Sorry this A/N is so long).

Summary: My Take On What Happened After The Screen Went Black in "Untethered."


Goren stood in the middle of the sidewalk, looking up into the sky. After confronting his brother, everything seemed hopeless. He hung his head. He's said some pretty horrible things to his brother in the past, but this was the end of the line. He was a different person when he spoke to his brother. That wasn't the Bobby Goren that he knew himself to be. He was, dare say it? Psychotic. Another man. An enraged man. He saw his brother shake, quiver and step back from him. He was scared and cowered down onto the bed. The look in Bobby's eyes was not something he'd seen before; his eyes glossed over and boiled in anger. Extracting all the pure hatred from his pores and turning them into words; words of evil towards his brother.

Hey you, look what you do to me
You bend and you bruise me
Why you try to control me?
But you don't know me

He was Bobby's scapegoat. Bobby sighed as he brought his eyes back down; eye level with everyone else's. The world seemed to be stuck in fast forward and his body on pause as people of mixed races, ethnicity and gender flowed past him. There was nothing more he could do. He said what needed to be said and now he digressed. He felt like crying, but the tears would not fall. He felt like running away, running to where ever his legs dared to take him, but they wouldn't move quickly enough.

How come you just want to hurt me?
How come you just want to push me?
I can't ignore you anymore
'Cause everywhere I turn you

He swore to god that he wasn't going to make it out of there…out of that agony filled, fucking hell hole. He now knew what hell was like. He despised himself as he began to remember back, back before he went to that place, 'heaven.' He recalled ferociously beating that kid in his own cell before the guards had gotten to him. In that moment in time, something new inside him seemed to be ignited and freely burned within him; uncontrollably searing inside of him. Something unknown to him at the time was hatched and he knew then that he could never look back. He felt evil, pure evil. Bobby honestly felt at that moment in time, anything but sane.

As he lay there, strapped down and treated like some vicious animal, so many things had raced through his mind, but most importantly, now, he felt like he had failed. He doesn't regret doing it though. No, no, no, Robert Goren does a lot of things, whether they're fucked up or not, but in the end, he never regrets any of his actions. He just felt like he didn't accomplish anything. He threw what little dignity he had left, away. The funny thing was…that wasn't what bothered him. The dignity part he could get passed. It had been mocked all of his life, so that was easy to forget.

I'm the whack job, remember? Detective Crazy Goren. He scrutinized. Just trying to live up to my name, my reputation.

He was use to it; the talks behind his back, the looks, but it didn't make it any less painful. Sure, the talks had lessened ever since Alex Eames was his partner, but they still existed. Just because Bobby did his best to ignore it, didn't mean that he didn't perceive all that was happening behind his back and ache because of it. Truth is, deep inside he felt sorry for himself, but even more so, he felt sorry for his partner. She's had to put up with so much god damn bullshit from other officers that harassed her because of him and it made him fucking sick to his stomach. Anger boiled deep inside his gut but quickly became partially blanketed by disgrace and dishonor.

Her partner. Fucked up, Goren. It wasn't worth it. It's not worth it, Eames.

You burn me, you break me
You always want to take me down with you
What do you want from me?

It was all a waste. Not just his recent stunt, but his whole life.

People will think I'm even crazier than before.

He told himself on numerous occasions, every since he got out of Tates, that he's not crazy. "I'm not crazy, I'm not!" He kept mumbling to himself as he staggered to hail a cab. His walk was rough and unsteady; he looked miserable like some, though well dressed, drunken vagrant. He was anything but.

"Failure! Failure!" is all he kept hearing in return. "What a fuck up!" It was as if he was surrounded by millions of people and everyone was yelling, screaming at him all at once. Pointing. Laughing. He wanted the voices to go away. Go away once and for all.

A taxi pulled up in front of him while he was in the midst of his continual debate between mind and self. Blinking a few times, he stepped towards it and pulled the door open, heavily sagged into it, he shut the door. He quickly spoke of his address to the cab driver and then closed his eyes.

He never opened his eyes back up until he felt the car pull over and the cab driver shove it into park. Bobby quickly tossed some money towards the cabbie and then turned to face his apartment. Rubbing his face with his large hands, he shuffled his feet towards his destination.

He looked ragged and worn more than ever as he treaded his way into his apartment building. He looked like hell, and he'd been through it the past few days. He had bags under his eyes and they were horribly bloodshot. He appeared as if he hadn't slept in weeks.

Once he arrived at his apartment number, he slowly unlocked it and pushed the door open. Once it swung open, he stared into his apartment briefly; his body still in the hallway. Sighing, he stalked in. He didn't bother to turn on the lights. What the hell was the point? He didn't want to see himself. He can't even stand himself anymore. He couldn't take it anymore. Everything he'd worked for, all thrown away.

I don't wanna be afraid, I don't wanna run away
I don't want to be here fading it's more that I can take

Throwing his coat onto the counter, after taking his badge, gun and cell phone out first; he started to weep. For the first time today, Bobby Goren cried freely; no holding back. Maybe it was that he couldn't cry in public, but nothing was stopping him now. He pressed his back hard against the door as he slid down, falling to the ground with a 'thud.' As he did, his eyes never left his badge and gun which were in his left hand; cell phone in the other. He didn't care anymore. Life was so worthless. No matter how hard he tried to do the right thing, it never helped.

Bobby broke down.

He'd been scrutinized for everything he had done and before, he never let it bother him, but after so many looks and comments, he couldn't take it anymore. A man can only take so much. He didn't care though. Not at this point. His career was already tainted, ruined to the point of no return. He was so scared and wounded that nothing could help him anymore. He was alone. Even if he wanted help, he was too far out of reach to retrieve it.

I'm never gonna be the same
I threw it all away
I don't want to be here fading

He sat there for what seemed like hours; not once attempting to move. There was no need to move, he had no place to go and there was certainly no one to go see. So many things rushed through him until one bold thought came to mind. One thing that would solve everyone's problem. He thought about it before, but only because others brought it up….but now, now it seemed like the most rational idea.


One simple action and yet it could change so many things. Affect so many people. He never thought he was crazy before…not until this very second.

I'll show 'em just how crazy I am! He roared deep within.

He was still crying, tears receding down his face as if they were trying to run away from him; just like everyone else. He felt so hopeless, so unwanted. He tried to be a nice guy but no one gave him a chance. He didn't even know who he was anymore. This man, the man he stared at before himself at this very second was not the man he used to be. The pure genius homicide investigator, the master mind that all criminal profilers sought to be like with his unique way of working, was now an anguish filled man that held more misery inside of him than you'd think one person could hold. In all truthfulness, he was crumbling to pieces.

He knew he could never go back. It was over. He had to stop running from himself, from his demons. It was time to face them head on. No more playing chicken and turning away at the last second. His mother was gone, so the only true demon that remained was himself. The demon within him.

Just let go! (look what you do to me)
Let go! (look what you do to me)

He was still looking down at his hands when his cell phone started to ring. He knew who it was. No one else ever called him. He use to get calls about his mother, but now they ceased. His mother was gone. He had no one left. He was alone and it hurt so fucking bad. Shifting his eyes from one hand to the other; looking at his phone, he let it slip off his large hand and onto the floor.

Hey you, look what you do to me
You burnt and you scared me
With all that you tell me (but I don't listen!)

The ringing stopped briefly and then started again. He sighed as the phone vibrated on the floor.

You love me, you hate me
You always want to take me down with you
What do you want from me?

Alex was in her car on the way over to Bobby's place. She was worried about him and didn't want him to do something stupid. After seeing him, witnessing him, and knowing that he was suspended pending a psych evaluation; god only knew what he was going to do. He looked so broken, more broken than she'd ever seen him. This case had taken a toll on him, and he was distant; as if his soul had disintegrated and all that was left of him was a form. A lifeless form. He was burning from the inside. She looked into his eyes and tried to read what he was thinking, but it was a blank stare. Bobby had lost something in there, in that place. A piece of him was still there and she doesn't think he'll ever get it back.

I don't wanna be afraid I don't wanna run away
I don't want to be here fading it's more that I can take
I'm never gonna be the same
I threw it all away
I don't want to be here fading
Just let…

"Dammit, Bobby! Answer your fucking phone." She screamed as she applied more pressure to the gas pedal. She knew he couldn't be left alone, not for a while but especially not tonight. Just answer your phone, Bobby. Please! It worried her that he wasn't answering and her mind began to drift at the possibilities…

Bobby still sat on the floor, looking down at his hands, shaking his head. He let his badge fall out of his hand, tumbling down as if it were in slow motion; ending up between his legs. It was as if the old Bobby had vanished and been replaced by a new one; a haggard, broken-down, shameful man that was carrying all but happiness inside him. A tremor shot uncontrollably through his body as his being continued to wilt at the seams. He wasn't the same spunky Bobby anymore. He had aged severely and put on a lot extra baggage in the past few years and he felt it. He knew it. Too many things had taken a toll on him and he was now paying the price.

You kept pushing me
You keep using me
You keep twisting me
You keep breaking me

He started to grip his gun, but as he pulled it up closer to his face, out of his lap; his grip loosened and he turned the gun so he was holding it flat in his left palm. He wasn't sure what to do or how he was going to do it; all he knew is what he had to do. What had to be done. He was filled with so much pain, so much that it was swallowing his entity.

You can't have me anymore
You can't have me anymore
You can't have me anymore
You can't have me, let go!!

His cell phone and home phone continued to ring in the background but all he could hear were the words of discomfort and torment that echoed in his head. The words "Crazy" and "Fuck up" were thrown into the mix somewhere. His tears ceased to fall, but he was still full of sorrow. He didn't want to be afraid anymore and he sure in the hell didn't want to run away from this. It was now or never.

Bobby shifted his head up towards the ceiling, as if he were saying goodbye as well as pleading with god for forgiveness. He never envisioned himself ever taking his own life before, and even now, he was struggling with the thought. Bobby had always thought of suicide as the easy way out but…It would make so many people happy; their lives painless once again. It would be easier to just forget about me and move on. With crazy Goren out of the way, who knew the possibilities?

As his head came back down, his eyes fixed at the window that was across the room. He wasn't glimpsing at anything in particular. His eyes began to blur as if he was frozen in that position; his mind blank for the first time tonight. He felt lifeless, as if he had already succeeded in killing himself.

To him, he was already dead.

I don't wanna be afraid, I don't wanna run away
I don't want to be here fading it's more that I can take!!

He blinked away the incoming of new tears as be began to speak to himself, "I—I'm s—so sorry, Eames. Please for—forgive me." He stuttered as he pulled the gun up to his chest.

Alex was the only person that truly cared for him and he knew it. He never stopped to think of what it would do to her, but now, it was too late. He'd already made up his mind.

Her life will be better without me now. She won't be harassed constantly for having a crazy partner. She can move on. Do better. Make captain and most importantly, be happy. There is no need for her to feel obligated in being my partner any longer. I know it was not her choice…

He titled the gun up so he was looking directly down into the barrel. His mouth was dry and his heart, what was left of it, began to rapidly beat. This was the first time in Bobby's life that he had ever been afraid of himself; and it scared him knowing that.

I don't wanna be afraid, I don't wanna run away
I don't want to be here fading it's more that I can take

Alex quickly parked and ran up into Bobby's apartment complex. She slowed herself momentarily as she got inside. Jesus, Alex, slow down. He's not going to do something stupid. He's probably just sleeping. She deduced, but something in her heart told her otherwise as her pace picked up once more.

I'm never gonna be the same
I threw it all away
I don't want to be here fading
Just let go! Let go! Just let go!

Bobby's finger was on the trigger as his body shook, riddled with fear, hurt, anger, and sadness; and all combined into one Robert Goren was not a good thing. Anger and outrage, however, over took him as he gripped the trigger and fired a single shot; echoing throughout the entire apartment.

I don't wanna be afraid
Let go! (I don't wanna run away!)

Alex was about 15 feet away from his door when she heard the sound. That sound. The dreadfully brief silence that followed an echoing after a gun had been fired.

No, oh god no. She silently prayed. "Bobby! Bobby!" She wailed as she pounded on the door. Nearby neighbors had heard the shot and peered their heads out of the door. She unsteadily flashed her badge to them and told them to go back inside. Hesitantly, they all complied.

Just let go!!

She turned back around to face Bobby's door and resumed her pounded on it; desperately until her mind finally caught up to her rapid, desperate actions. She stopped and reached for the door knob and surprisingly, the door was open. She managed to open it a few inches before it stopped. She pushed harder, leaning her whole body into the door, but it wouldn't budge.

Oh god. He must be in front of it.

After using all of her might, she was able to open the door about 4 inches and that's when she saw it; Bobby's hand holding a gun. His hand was limp, face up with the gun gently resting in his palm.

Let go!

"Bobby!" She shrieked, but he showed no signs of movement as she continued to desperately push on the door to get in.

Let go!

Continuing to assault the door with everything she had, Alex heard a faint noise come from inside Bobby's apartment and she instinctively froze; momentarily replaying the last few seconds in her head. Quietly she willed her body to move, pushing her head up towards the opening of the door to hear a whimpering, Bobby.

It's Bobby. He's crying? In pain? Oh my god, he's alive.

That only made her fight harder to get into his apartment.

A/N: First off, the song is "Let Go" by Red. I love this song and I thought it fit perfectly with this scenario.
So, what do you think? Do you guys like? Shall I continue? Please let me know…