DIAPERS, PACIFIERS AND MILK, OH MY!

Written by: Lourdes, a.k.a. I Fancy Hugh Dancy

Rating: G - Swearing.

Genre: Humour/Family/Suspense

Summary: Ridding the world of evil may be a piece of cake, but when Murphy's wife goes away for the day, he soon realizes that caring for his son all by his lonesome is a whole other story. Murphy and Little MacManus. Oneshot.

Disclaimer: This story is pure fanfiction. I do not own the Saints. I own the characters unrecognizable from the film.

Author's Note: Just a little idea that's been going through my head for a while! Hope you like it!

Liam: "Determined protector" in Irish Gaelic.

Check out my other BDS fics:

- "Even In Heaven"

- "Even In Heaven II: Saints' Scourge"

- "Path To Sainthood"

- "Path To Sainthood: Into Your Arms"

- "Into the Dark"

- "Till Death Do Us Part"

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From the moment little Liam opened his eyes, Murphy MacManus found himself in love for the second time. His love for the mini Murphy MacManus only grew by the day, the thoughts of how his son will grow up always keeping his spirits high. Throughout the first months of welcoming the newest addition to the MacManus clan into the world, Murphy's wife had always been present to help care for little Liam. Though, seeing how she had always stayed home with the little tyke whenever he and Connor went out on "jobs", Murphy never even thought of refusing his wife's request for a day-long spa treatment on her own. "O' course I"ll be fine on me own, love!" He had reassured her with unbridled enthusiasm, giving her a lingering kiss. "Besides…how hard could it be?"

Oh, how those latter six words subsequently bit him right in the arse the following day.

Murphy stuck his tongue out, deep in concentration, as he continued to read the label of a diaper box. "Flip tab here…fold there, uh huh. Insert flap here…annnd done!" After a few seconds of confidently staring at his 'masterpiece', Murphy wrinkled his nose in utter distaste. "The bloody 'ell is that?" Scooping up little Liam in his hands, he held him out at arms' length, twisting him from side to side in order to get a better look at the 'diaper' he had applied. "Is it upside down or somethin'?" he muttered under his breath.

Only a few seconds after this question, the mis-wrapped diaper became entirely unraveled, leaving Liam bare in all his glory.

He cooed in delight at his father's bewildered expression.

"Are ye laughin' at me, lil man?" Murphy smirked, nuzzling Liam's nose with his own. "Aye, ye are, aren't ye?"

Liam squealed, his hands gently flapping upon Murphy's cheeks.

Murphy placed Liam back in his crib, then ensued to outstretch his arm towards a nearby desk. "That's what they invented these babies for!" As Murphy playfully snapped the large stapler in his hand, Liam's face wrinkled into a wince, seemingly apprehensive of how his father was going to use the menacing office supply. Murphy only threw him a crooked smile. "Don't cha worry, lad, Da'll get ye clothed in no time!"

About another half an hour passed before Liam was finally draped in an acceptable-looking diaper. Proud of his accomplishment, Murphy confidently brushed his hands, heaving out a satisfied sigh. Taking Liam back into his arms, Murphy gently placed his delicate head over his broad shoulder, lovingly patting his back in order to try and put him to sleep. Thinking of how his mother used to put him and Connor to bed, he began to softly sing:

Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, hush now, don't ye cry.
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, that's an Irish lullaby.

Liam had been so silent throughout the lullaby that Murphy actually thought that he had successfully managed to put him to sleep. But just when he finished the last, screeching note, Liam burst out into loud, piercing wails, characteristic of a baby who was being, well, tortured.

Murphy looked down upon him in simultaneous disappointment and distress. "Wha'? Ye don't like me singin' or somethin'?" Repeatedly patting Liam's back in order to calm him down, Murphy frowned, "I wasn't that bad, now was I?"

His wails only became louder and louder.

Groaning, Murphy could only resort to a thing he excelled in growing up: making faces. Holding Liam out from him, he stuck out his tongue, bared his teeth in a monstrous manner, rolled his eyes to and fro – anything that his flexible face could do to keep Liam's attention. Finding that he slowly quieted down, Murphy let out another sigh of relief, the tension in his back somewhat dissipating. Though, he had let down his defenses too soon, because before he knew it, Liam had thrown up most of the contents of his earlier meal all over Murphy's shirt.

"Jaysus Christ!" Murphy cried out more in surprise than in upset. "Liam, next time ye do that, at least gimme a warnin' or somethin' so that I can hold ye further away from me, aye?"

Liam burped contentedly and threw his father a toothless grin.

"Now ye wait 'ere for just a second, alright?" Murphy instructed sternly, ensuring that Liam was safe and tucked within his crib. "Da's gonna get 'imself a brand new shirt." When he heard a gleeful shout in response, Murphy turned on his heel and briskly stepped into an adjacent room. Upon entry, he slowly removed his soiled garment and tossed it aside into a bin. Momentarily rummaging through his closet, he found a clean shirt and swiftly placed it on. When he heard the sound of silence coming from Liam's nursery, something in his instincts immediately clicked. Flying into the nursery, his eyes instantly zeroed in on Liam's crib…

…which was empty.

He then noticed that the side lock had become undone, causing the crib's gate to fall wide open.

"Shit!" Murphy screamed at the top of his lungs, mercilessly tugging at his hair. "Liam? Liam!" Falling upon his knees in utter distress, he searched every inch of the bedroom floor for any sign of him. "Holy fuckin' shit! Liam, where are ye?"

His heart began to beat at an unprecedented pace. Panic wholly engulfing him, he began to search every nook and crannie of the room, finding it impossible that Liam could've gotten far in the period of time that he was away. Bursting his head into the hallway, he found no trail or sign of him anywhere. Fear now began to overtake his senses, a kind of fear that he had never felt in his life; the emotion elicited from five guns placed at the back of his head paled in comparison to what he was feeling now.

Trying to keep some grain of composure, he began to hastily dial Connor's mobile number. Continuing to wildly search for his missing son, he prayed to God that Connor was somewhere in the vicinity.

"Oi Murph, how's it goin'?" Connor's cheerful voice answered a few rings later.

Murphy didn't give a shit about formal greetings at that moment. "Connor, where the fuck are ye?"

"Just turnin' on Dorchester Street. Why?"

With panic, fear and upset all uncaged from his being, Murphy cried, "I can't find Liam!"

"What the fuck do ye mean ye can't find Liam?"

"I mean I can't find 'im, Connor!" Irritably rubbing his palm upon his scrunched face, Murphy explained, "I went off ta change for a second, an' when I went back ta his nursery, he was gone!" He let out a few more string of curses as he paced to and fro. "Connor, how the fuck did I lose me own fuckin' kid in me own fuckin' house?"

"Keep calm. I'll be there in a bit."

Hanging up, Murphy instantly disposed of his mobile upon the couch. He screamed, "My wife's gonna fukin' kill me, resurrect me, then kill me again!"

In only a matter of minutes, Connor burst through the front door. Chest heaving as a result of his haste to make it to Murphy's home, he rushed up the stairs two at a time, repeatedly calling out his brother's name. Following the sound of Murphy's answer, he jogged back down the stairs. Not far from where he stood, he found his twin manically pacing throughout the living room. "Con, take the back rooms." Murphy immediately blurted, tears of frustration streaming down his face. "I'll check the nursery again."

Connor was about to do what he was instructed when he noticed a sudden movement underneath a nearby coffee table. Bending over and tilting his head to the side, his eyes instantly met big, bright, blue ones, staring up at him in utter glee. Heaving out a sigh of relief when he saw that his nephew was safe and sound, Connor piped up, "No need ta keep lookin' Murph." Meeting his twin's wide eyes, Connor motioned his head towards little Liam. "Look down at yer feet."

As Murphy did so, he caught a glimpse of Liam's tiny arms, both outstretched towards him. "Oh, thank God!" Instantly taking his son into his arms, Murphy embraced him as tightly as he could without hurting him. Placing a lingering kiss upon his forehead, the dark-haired MacManus allowed his tears of relief to cascade freely down his flushed cheeks. "I never would've forgiven meself if somethin' had happened ta ye, ye know that?"

"Da..."

Murphy's head immediately snapped up. Sharing a wide-eyed look with his twin, he then eyed Liam, face to face. "W-what…what was that, lil Liam?"

"Da!" Liam boomed more confidently this time, squealing in his wake.

"Oh me God, Con, 'tis 'is first word!" Murphy shouted in joy. He slightly spun in place, much to Liam's glee. "'e's said 'is first word!"

With a proud smile, Connor placed a firm hand upon his brother's shoulder, squeezing lightly. "Congratulations, Murph."

Murphy had never felt so much emotion in his life. Embracing his son once more, he felt so much relief, gratitude, and happiness that he had been blessed with such a darling boy and that he had not been hurt because of his minute blunder.

The sound of a clicking lock then greeted the twins' ears. Attentions now turned towards the front door, they perceived Murphy's wife walking through with a bounce in her step, widely beaming from ear to ear. "Oh, hello, Connor!" She chirped, closing the door behind her. "Came to help Murph babysit, I see!"

"Aye." Connor cleared his throat as inconspicuously as possible. "That's exactly what I came 'ere ta do."

Eliciting a stern look from his twin, Connor proceeded to take Liam from Murphy's arms as he greeted his wife. Giving her a kiss on the cheek, he genuinely said, "Glad ta have ye home, darlin'. It wasn't the same without ye 'ere."

Albeit a little suspicious about the tone in his voice, she decided to brush off the undecipherable expression on Murphy's countenance. "How did everything go, honey? I hope Liam didn't give you much trouble!"

"Oh, he didn't give Murph any trouble at all!" Connor piped up with a crooked grin. Giving Liam a peck on the cheek, he cooed with pursed lips, "We 'ad fun, didn't we lad? We sure did!" Liam grinned from ear to ear in response, giving his head a nod. "Aww, ye see tha'? 'e loves 'is Uncle Con, now doesn't 'e?"

Although smiling at this display of affection, Murphy and his wife then declared simultaneously, "I have to tell you something."

When a moment of silence passed between them, Murphy was the first to blurt out, "Ye go first."

"I lied to you." Murphy's wife said simply, catching the attention of both MacManuses. Becoming a little embarrassed, she continued quietly, "I didn't go to the spa, I…I just came back from the doctor's office."

A concerned expression then manifested itself upon Murphy's countenance. Enclosing the space between them, he worriedly placed his palms upon the sides of her cheeks, brushing them gently with the tips of his fingers. "Why, love? Is something wrong?"

"Oh, no, nothing's wrong!" She beamed, placing a loving, reassuring kiss upon Murphy's slick lips. "I just thought I'd surprise you…"

The MacManus twins shared a knowing look through the pause. Liam only let out a laugh.

"We're going to have twins!"

And with that, much to the distress of his wife and brother, Murphy fell backwards towards the floor, unconscious.

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A/N: A happy fic? How uncharacteristic of me, isn't it? lol How'd you guys like it? xx IFHD