I can't believe I kissed her, I've thought about it before but never in a million years did I ever believe that I would actually do it... or that it could feel so right. But the fact remains that I shouldn't have done it. Memories of earlier flash through my head. Bianca was just talking about leaving. Going away to Paris. Leaving me here all alone without her. I can't imagine my life with out her. It's selfish of me, I know, but I've gotten so use to having her as part of my life that I can't imagine it any other way. I don't want a phone call every week and pictures every other month, I want to be there, with her. I would go to the ends of the earth for her, because, well, she's my best friend... and I love her. But I can't love her, not the way I do, because she's with Lena. So I'll stand in the background with a smile on my face because I'm her friend, and nothing more.
I wish I were so much more.
I would do anything for her. Anything except tell her how I really feel. Uttering those words would destroy the very thing I treasure most in this world, our friendship and I could never risk that. I almost did tonight, I was so stupid. Of all the things in the world that I've lost, my sister, my mother, at times myself, she's the one thing that I could never bear to part with. I think doing that would destroy me.
I turn the volume on the stereo up, trying to drown out the confused thoughts but it just seems to make it worse as I listen to the lyrics of the song that's playing.
Right now I feel – like a leaf on the breeze
Who knows where it's blowin'
Who knows where it's goin'
I find myself somewhere I – I never thought I'd be
Going 'round in circles
Thinking about you and me
How do I explain it when I don't know what to say
What do I do now – so much has changed
I start thinking about how I told Bianca that I wanted to be with Jamie... I'm such a liar. I can just see the hurt and confusion on her face when I close my eyes and it haunts me and it should, because everything is all my fault. If I just had the courage. But I don't. Even if I did telling her how I feel would be too much of a complication. She's with Lena, she'd pregnant, there's so much that she's going through right now and for me to just swoop in and make everything worse is unfair of me. If Bianca has taught me anything it's how to be selfless. She's determined to raise a baby that was the result of a rape. I think already she loves that baby more than herself. I'm so proud of her. So thankful for her. So in love with her.
Nothing I have ever known – has made me feel this way
Nothing I have ever known – has made want to stay
But here I am – ready for you
I'm torn 'n, I'm fallin' – I hear my home callin'
Hey – I've never felt somethin' so strong – oh no
It's like nothing I've ever known
I know that what I feel for Bianca is real. It's the realest thing I've ever felt in my life. It's scary and confusing and I don't know what to do or what to say. How do you tell your best friend that you're in love with her? I don't think I ever could. Maybe one day I'll have the courage to tell her what I really feel for her, maybe one day. That the way she smiles at me makes my heart do silly flip-flops. The smell of her haunts my dreams. Her eyes see right through me to the deepest corners of my soul. I can't imagine ever giving myself to anyone the way I want to give myself to her. I feel so complete when I'm near her. If everything in the world disappeared and I had only her I would be happy. I would be content.
My cellphone rings so dig through my purse with one hand and I answer it. I hear David on the other end.
"Maggie, Bianca's been admitted to the hospital."
With those words my world comes crashing down around me. That feeling of tingly numbness, as if all blood has left my body rushes through me and it's hard to breathe. I can't remember a time when I've felt more fear, when I've prayed harder.
"Maggie?" he sounds worried as if he's not sure I'm still there and I pull over to the side of the road not trusting myself to keep driving.
"Is she okay?" I ask, telling myself that God wouldn't be so cruel as to take her away from me when I just told her that a kiss from her was a mistake and that I wanted to be with Jamie.
"She and the baby are going to be fine but they're keeping her overnight at the hospital and I thought she'd be more comfortable with you there."
"I'll be there in five minutes," I say hanging up and laying my head on the steering wheel in relief. They're okay and that's all that matters. I can't help but feel guilty. She's been so stressed out lately with the murder trial and I haven't helped. Some best friend I am. I kiss her and make excuses. If only she knew how much I longed to fix everything. I start up the car and drive to the hospital. I go to the front desk and ask for her room number but they tell me visiting hours are over. I tell them I'm family. Bianca and the baby are my family, in all the ways that count.
I go up to her floor and stand outside for a few moments watching her. Even wearing a hospital gown and looking pale and worried she's so breathtaking. She's staring up at the ceiling, her hands rhythmically traveling over her stomach. I knock and she tells me to come in. When she sees me I wonder what she's thinking, is she happy? Does she want me to leave? I don't think I could take it if she wanted me to leave. A thousand excuses of why I need to stay come to my lips.
"Maggie!" she says her voice breaking and she holds out her arms for me. For me. All the air leaves my body in a sigh of relief. To see her wanting me, needing me, fills me with so many emotions I can't even begin to count them all. I go over to her wrapping my arms around her, holding her as tight as I can. She starts to cry and I want to cry with her but I don't. I have to be strong for the both of us. My hands gently run over her back, trying to comfort her while wondering if something has happened since David called me. I plant little kisses on top of her head telling her that it's okay. That I'm there and everything is okay.
"I'm so glad you're here," she says pulling away and wiping the tears from her eyes. I resist the urge to do that myself. I want to touch her in any way that I can but I know that I shouldn't. I can't help myself. My hand covers hers, squeezing it tightly.
"Are you and the baby really okay?" I ask wanting so badly to bring her hand to my lips and kiss it.
"We're both fine." She takes my hand and lays it on her belly and I can feel a little flutter of movement. This is my family, right here. I'm so happy that everything's okay. That Bianca and her baby, the two most important things in my life are safe and happy, and with me. The movement stops but I keep my hand on her belly anyway, just because I like having her hand on top of mine.
"She's strong, just like her mom. What happened? David didn't say, he just told me that you were here and that you were okay." I stop myself from telling her how I thought my heart had stopped. How fear had consumed every part of my body. I don't know why. Maybe it's easier to pretend that way. I slowly rub her belly and she smiles at me. The things I would do to entice that smile out of her.
"I was just talking to David and I thought my water had broken. He brought me here and they started running tests. I'm sorry that I didn't call you but I was just so worried. I was so afraid that I would lose her."
I hate myself for not being here with her. Logically I know that there's no way I could have known that this would happen but at the same time I feel disappointed in myself. I don't ever want her to feel alone or afraid. I always want to be there for her. Always.
"There was a tear in the amniotic sac but it closed up by itself and they don't think it's infected. They still have to do more tests but I should be able to leave tomorrow, however it looks like tons of bed rest for me."
There's something she's not telling me. I can see it in her eyes. I see so many things in her eyes and I wonder if when I look at her she sees how much I love her. How I could never feel for anyone what I feel for her. I stay silent, waiting for her to open up to me. Wanting her to confide in me.
"My mother refused to see me," she says softly and she looks nearly on the verge of tears again.
"What?" I asked surprised. I've never been a fan of Erica Kane but if she has truly refused to see Bianca then I'm going to give her a piece of my mind.
"When she heard what happened she came here but as soon as she found out the baby was okay she just left. She wouldn't even come in and see me, she wanted me to miscarry."
"Bianca, you don't know that." In all honestly I know that it's probably true but I can't tell her that.
"Yes, I do. David and Jack tried to cover for her but I know she was hoping that my baby would die."
"You can't think like this right now. You have to rest so you and the baby will stay healthy." I smooth her hair back from her face hoping that she will listen. I hate seeing her stressed out and upset. I hate seeing her anything but happy.
"How can I rest when Kendall might be convicted of murder and face lethal inject--"
"Bianca, look at me. You have to stop this. Do it for the baby. This isn't helping anything. Kendall is a big girl, she can take care of herself. You need to take care of you."
"I know, you're right. I'm trying. It's just been a long day. Hopefully tomorrow is better." She's looking up at me with that smile of hers, the one that makes me want to plant little kisses all along her lips. "You know, there's room for both of us. I'm not that pregnant yet," she says scooting over and making room for me to sit beside her on the bed. I climb into the bed and put an arm around her as she rests her head on my shoulder.
"Tomorrow will be much better. I'll pick up some movies and I'll sit in bed with you and we can watch them. It'll be fun. We can make a day of it. I promise I'll keep you from being bored."
"I'm never bored in your company Maggie. You are my best friend you know, I'd be lost without you."
"I'd be lost without you too." So lost. I'm so incredibly lost without her. We lay there for a long time and finally she sleeps. I continue to hold her, hoping that even though I can't bring myself to say the words she knows how much I love her. That I'll always love her. She's my Bianca.