A/N: So the other day I realized I'd never read a fic with Potty the parrot marionette. I couldn't find any with the search function, so I wrote one.
And yes, it actually is "Potty" not "Polly." Silly, I know.
Potty in Bikini Bottom
"Today… we join our friend Patchy at zee docks," said the snooty French narrator. "Yes, he goes to zee docks sometimes. What? Did you think he wore all that pirate garb for nothing?"
"Hey, kids!" said Patchy the pirate. "We're here at the docks to learn all about submarines!" He gestured behind him at the submarine floating just under the pier.
"SQUAWK!" said Potty. "Pirates don't use submarines!"
"Quiet, Potty." Patchy turned back to the audience. "Now I know how all you kids love to play in submarines without parental supervision, so today we're gonna learn about submarine safety!" The pirate pulled a diving suit and air helmet from off-screen. "The first lesson is how to NOT use your air helmet like Sandy. Let me show you how it works so you wouldn't suffocate after a few minutes if you're not a cartoon…"
"SQUAWK! What year is that suit from?! The fifty's?!"
"Potty, please! I'm trying to get this helmet on!" Patchy struggled to put the air helmet over his head. "This darn thing's too small!"
"Or your head's too big, SQUAWK! Where's Potty's helmet?"
"We were gonna get you one, but your marionette strings were too hard to work around."
"SQUAWK! Not fair!"
"FINE, ya birdbrain!" Patchy snipped the puppet lines. "Now you can go! Swim over to the submarine."
The parrot had fallen into the water. "SQUAWK! SQUAWK! I can't swim!"
"Come on, Potty! It ain't that hard! Doggy paddle or something!" said Patchy, leaning over the dock.
"I'm a par—" Just then the bird sunk below the water's surface.
Patchy watched the spot where Potty had disappeared. "Don't worry, kids. He'll be fine," he said, even though the bubbles had stopped. "… probably."
Down below, SpongeBob and Sandy were engaged in a rigorous karate session at the treedome.
Well, they had been. SpongeBob had taken refuge under the picnic table in hopes that Sandy couldn't find him. She was being particularly rough that day.
He panted. "I… hope… she… doesn't… find me… until my throat stops… closing up…" he said in between breaths.
"There you are!" said Sandy, spying him under the table. "Shouldn't'a been talkin' to yourself if you wanna stay hidden."
SpongeBob cowered. "Please, Sandy! I've had enough for one day! HAVE MERCY!"
She raised her hand, wearing her foam karate gear. "Groveling won't help ya!"
"Hey! Look at that!" SpongeBob pointed upwards.
"Nuh uh, that ain't gonna work!" said Sandy. "Ain't no out-smartin' me!"
"It's not a trick! Look!"
"Oh, fine!" She looked up and gasped. Up above at the top of the treedome, a parrot was smashed up against the surface. "Holy Southern colloquialism! That poor critter! We gotta go save him!"
"HI-YAH!" SpongeBob karate-chopped her from behind. "Just kidding! That was a trick! ….. is there really something up there?"
Sandy struck SpongeBob in the face before hurrying outside.
The two stood on top of the treedome, peering down at the strange creature.
"I'm drowning! I'm drowning!" Potty tried to flap his wings, but he didn't have much luck underwater.
"There's no way he'll make it to the surface in time to breathe!" said Sandy.
SpongeBob poked his tongue out. "Hmmm…"
Potty stopped flailing and fell limply back down to the glass. "Squaaaaakk…." he said weakly, water filling his lungs. Don't feel sorry for him though — remember how annoying he is.
SpongeBob brightened. He reached in his pocket and pulled out his bubble wand.
"Now's not the time for games, SpongeBob!"
The sponge blew a bubble, encasing Potty inside. The bird caught his breath. "SQUAWK!"
"Good thinkin'!" said Sandy, now understanding his plan.
SpongeBob looked curiously at the land creature. "Welcome to Bikini Bottom, stranger!" he said with a smile. "I'm SpongeBob!"
"Potty wanna cracker, to go with this talking cheese!"
"Hey!" said SpongeBob as he furrowed his brow. "I'm not cheese!"
"SQUAWK! You're the least appetizing piece of cheese I've ever seen!"
SpongeBob balled his fists and literally steamed with anger. "Cut it out!"
"Now you're grilled cheese, SQUAWK!" said Potty, noticing the steam.
"Y'all better watch your mouth," said Sandy. She took a step closer to the bird and glared.
"SQUAWK! What are you wearing? A space suit?!" said Potty. "This is the Pacific, not Pluto!"
Sandy rolled up her sleeves. "I'm warnin' you…"
Just then a beeping sound from SpongeBob's direction interrupted them. He glanced to his watch.
"SQUAWK! The cooking timer went off!" said Potty. "The cheese is done!"
"No! It's time for me to go to work!"
"See ya later, SpongeBob," said Sandy. "Hopefully next time this ornery varmint won't interrupt us."
SpongeBob said goodbye and slid down the side of the dome. As he landed, he saw Potty float beside him.
"SQUAWK! I'm coming with the cheese!"
"Oh, no, you don't!" SpongeBob dashed off, attempting to flee from the parrot. Potty trailed his heels.
Sandy watched from the top of the treedome, shaking her head. "That bird's gotta mouth dirtier than a bystander at a mud boggin'."
SpongeBob anxiously sprinted down the street. He glanced over his shoulder to see how far ahead of the parrot he'd gotten. But as he did, he tripped and fell on his face.
SpongeBob sat up and rubbed his head. He turned around to see what he'd tripped over.
"Patrick?!" said SpongeBob, his eyes widening.
The starfish had been lying flat on his back in the middle of the road. He sat up. "Oh, hey, SpongeBob."
"Why are you just lying in the road?!"
Patrick shrugged. "Convenience?"
The sponge shook himself. "Listen, I would love to chat, but I got a bully of a bird following m—"
Patrick nervously cleared his throat and pointed behind SpongeBob.
SpongeBob swallowed. "… he's right behind me, isn't he?"
"SQUAWK!" said the shrill voice. "Yes, I am!"
"Look, bird!" said SpongeBob as he turned around. "I've had enough of your insults!"
"SQUAWK! Who's your chubby friend? Careful, he might eat you!"
"I told you, I'm not cheese!"
"Hey!" said an offended Patrick. "SpongeBob… if you were made of cheese, you should have told me!"
"But I'm not!"
"SQUAWK! What an idiot!"
"Well, you know how the saying goes," began Patrick, hands on his hips. "Stupid is as stupid… um…" He frowned.
"Does?" finished SpongeBob.
"Does what?" asked Patrick.
Potty cackled, but was interrupted by a shrieking SpongeBob. "Oh-my-gosh!" he said, looking at his watch. "I'm gonna be late for work!"
He turned and hurried down the street, hoping this time he'd lose Potty for good.
The patty sizzled as SpongeBob pressed it into the grill with his spatula. "Ahh… peace at last," he said with a sigh.
Squidward poked his head through the window. "SpongeBob, I need that order!"
"Coming right up!"
He scooped the patty up with his spatula and placed it on a bottom bun. But just as he grabbed a slice of cheese, he heard a familiar voice over his shoulder.
SpongeBob startled. "You again!"
Squidward appeared in the window once more. "Come on! What's taking so long?"
Potty nearly fell to the ground with laughter. "SQUAWK! Your… nose…" he said as he laughed. "So… many… jokes…"
"Don't make fun of Squidward's enormous nose!" said SpongeBob. "And don't make fun of his baldness or voice or lack of pants either!"
Potty's obnoxious laughter grew even louder.
"Thanks, SpongeBob," said Squidward sarcastically.
Mr. Krabs slammed open the kitchen door. "What's going on in here?! We've got hungry customers complaining out there!" He gasped. "SpongeBob! What have I told you about bringing your friends to work? This is a friendship-free work environment!"
"But Mr. Krabs, this isn't my friend!"
"Then who is it?"
"I don't know! Just some bird who keeps following me around and insulting everyone!"
Mr. Krabs narrowed one eye. "Insulting?"
"Yeah! He made fun of me, then Sandy, then me, then Patrick, and me, and Squidward, and—"
The crab grabbed SpongeBob's lips. "What'd he say?"
SpongeBob was released from his boss' grip. "He said I was a piece of cheese!"
Mr. Krabs laughed heartily. "Well, you do kinda look like it."
"This gives me an idea. Insult comics are all the rage these days! We can put him on a stage and charge people to see him! Just think of all the hungry customers he'll attract…"
Squidward rolled his eyes. "Is there anything that doesn't make you think of schemes to get more money?"
"Quiet, Squidward!" said Mr. Krabs. "Or he'll be opening his act with material on you."
"Wait a minute…" SpongeBob looked around. "I haven't heard him squawk or make an annoying comment in the last couple minutes. He's gone!"
"We gotta find that money ticket!" Mr. Krabs scuttled out of the kitchen. On the other side of the door, he found Potty heckling a few Krusty Krab customers.
"Oh, no!" said SpongeBob, following behind Mr. Krabs. "He's gonna drive them away with his obnoxious antics!"
"I think most of us are immune to that by now," said Squidward. There was an awkward pause. "I was making fun of you, SpongeB—oh, nevermind."
"SQUAWK!" said Potty to a couple of fish, a short distance away. "Walking on fins? That makes as much sense as wearing a biki—" He was cut off as Mr. Krabs attempted to clamp him with his claws, but the parrot dodged.
"Don't make fun of me customers!" said the crab. "… until you're up onstage!" He snickered. "Ooh, you know who I'd love to see him insult?"
Squidward eagerly pointed to an oblivious SpongeBob, standing next to him with a grin and his tongue sticking out.
"No, no." Mr. Krabs rushed to the door. He leaned out of it and shouted, "Hey! Plankton!"
Plankton was outside the Chum Bucket, getting the mail. This was a two-hour affair for someone his size. "WHAT?!"
"I got a surprise for you! Come on over and get it!"
"Is it the Krabby Patty secret formula?!"
"Sure, why not?" he replied with a shrug.
Plankton slid down the mailbox post, slippery from the drool that had escaped from his mouth thinking about the secret recipe. "I'M COMING!" But Plankton's microscopic legs did not allow him to move very quickly, thus the dialogue continued without him.
"Ha ha! Look at how long it takes him!" said Mr. Krabs, watching the tiny creature. "I'm sure you got a whole bunch jokes about being small. Let's hear 'em!"
"SQUAWK! Why should I, you sweaty old cheapskate?!"
"How dare you!" said Mr. Krabs. "AUGH! I can't believe what an infuriating thing you are!"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" said SpongeBob.
"Let's get rid of it!"
They both thought hard, rubbing their chins.
"Might I interject?" Plankton had made it into the Krusty Krab without being noticed and stolen the Krabby Patty secret formula. He had the bottle over his back as he headed toward the exit. "Why not just pop the bubble?"
"Pop the bubble…" Mr. Krabs grinned evilly. "That's an excellent idea!"
"SQUAWK! I'm getting out of here!"
The bird flew out of the restaurant, Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob following behind him.
"Are you sure this is a good idea?!" asked SpongeBob in between pants.
"Clam up and run faster, boy!"
Back at the Krusty Krab, Squidward stared awkwardly at Plankton, just inches from the door. "You really think you're gonna get away with it?" he asked lazily.
Plankton shrugged. "It was worth a try."
Squidward sighed. Without even batting an eye, he reached down and took the bottle. Silently, he walked away.
"Hey! Give that back! I WAS SO CLOOOOOOOSE!"
Potty flapped his wings harder and harder. He was flying upwards to the surface. Up above he could see where the light met the water. He thought he was home free.
The parrot strained. He was flapping so fast; his head became light. Things were getting blurry. "So… close… squaaaaak…."
Potty felt his chest being struck. And then again, and again. He opened his eyes. The twirling images became steady as his eyes focused. "Squaaak… where am I?"
"We're at the docks, ya silly bird!" said Patchy.
Potty felt himself returning to normal. "SQUAWK! Guess where I've been."
"SQUAWK! I went to Bikini Bottom and saw—"
"Be quiet, ya liar! We're nowhere near Bikini Atoll."
"But… I saw… there were… SQUAWK… tide currents—"
"That was probably delusional side effects from your near death experience with the harsh mistress of the sea!" said Patchy.
"SQUAWK! But I was gone a long time!" said Potty. "You really performed CPR on me for that long?"
"Well, I used the hand with the hook. And I left you there for a while before I started."
"SQUAWK! What?!" Potty's puppety jaw dropped.
"I was enjoying the quiet."
"Hope you like unclear endings, children," said the French narrator. "I don't care for zem, but I'm just zee narrator."