What if Itachi liked to cook? Crackfic, with Akatsuki loveliness. (Well, Kisame, Ticahi, Local Girl, and a cameo of Tobi and mention of the Leader. Who will have no name because I forget what it is.)

(Miki apparently means fruit tree. Like, mi is fruit and ki is tree. I think. Bad translation, but I didn't want to name her Ramen or Biraku, which apparently means breakfast.)

Once upon a time, the Akatsuki had a cook.

She was a local girl, and was quite pretty with short-ish brown hair and brown eyes. Itachi was, as it happened, particularly interested in her. Not because she was pretty and had all of the local boys chasing after her (and her food) although he did rough up the local boys occasionally, for her own good, of course. No, as it happened, Itachi was far more interested in her cream sauce than her sauciness.

Her alfredo sauce was one he particularly liked. And her sautéed zucchini. Both were simple and tasty. Often, if one wandered into the headquarters of the Akatsuki (assuming that one was not sacrificed, blown up, or eaten upon crossing the threshold) one could using find him hanging around the kitchen, annoying the poor local girl- who did, as a matter of fact, have a name, Miki – for her recipes and if he could make a cake, please.

Tobi thought that Itachi was in love with Miki. Kisame knew his partner better. He knew that Itachi was not interested in Miki (or any girls that they knew, which was… not a large number. The living ones, anyway. Kisame thought Itachi was asexual) but rather her cream sauce and her chocolate ganache.

Once Itachi had memorized/made copies of/stole all of his favorite of Miki's recipes, he very nicely told her that due to excessive costs of the black Akatsuki uniform robes and clay for Deidara and weapons and Itachi's nail polish and such, he was going to have to let her go and he was very sorry.

Miki cried a bit and then gave Itachi a hug (which he stoically endured) and then gave him one last serving of chocolate dipped strawberries and a batch of her truffles. Itachi died, went to heaven, and then told Miki he'd help her out in the kitchen anytime.

To this day, Miki still thinks of Itachi not as a murderer who killed his own mother and father (and the rest of his clan) but as a misunderstood, sweet boy who liked to cook and had a bit of a crush on her.

She was right on the like to cook part, but not on any other part. Especially the misunderstood part- Itachi knew he needed to stop bottling up his emotions. But his version of letting them out involved murder. So.

And now, we get to the kitchen of the current Akatsuki base. (Deidara had accidentally exploded the last one.)

Itachi, who was notwearing an apron, was hunched over the stove, wondering why thehell the cream and butter for his alfredo sauce were separated, because goddamit, it was supposed to be thickening.

Kisame, who was reading the newspaper, looked up at Itachi's cursing.

"Itachi," he said, "why can't you ever just make traditional; Japanese food? I mean, what is up with all of the Italian shit? And I think I'm gaining weight from all of the cream sauce."

Itachi turned around, spatula held high and his eyes flashing dangerously.

"Do not insult the cream sauce." He said. Kisame, suitably scared, backed down. What had happened to Itachi? He was cooking. He had madefudge yesterday. While it was good, it concerned Kisame. Because no straight man ever made fudge. Or brownies. Or pineapple upside-down cake.

Even though Kisame rather enjoyed the pineapple upside-down cake.

Then Tobi came into the kitchen. Itachi's eyes narrowed to slits and Kisame resigned himself to pain. Lots of it.

"Is Itachi-san making fudge again?" Tobi chirped. "Tobie quite likes the fudge that Itachi-san makes."

Itachi flicked hot butter and cream at Tobi. Whenever Tobi was in the kitchen, his level of stress grew exponentially, and why wasn't the damn sauce thickening?

Itachi growled at the pan, and Kisame decided that perhaps it would be best for his health if he had his coffee and read the newspaper in the linen closet. Tobi, completely oblivious, wiped the hot goo off of his face.

"That was not kind, Itachi-san," he said. "Tobi is leaving now. Tobi will see company in Deidara-senpai."

Itachi flicked more hot butter and cream off the spatula at Tobi's departing back. Kisame half-snorted and headed for the linen closet.

He'd ask the Leader to stop Itachi cooking, but his cream sauces really were good, despite Kisame gaining weight from scarfing them down. He had even needed to get a larger robe.

The Leader had not been pleased, but the Leader liked Itachi's cupcakes with the pink icing.

There was no way he'd ask Itachi, but Kisame was beginning to suspect that the Uchiha was gay.

He grabbed another cupcake off the plate on the table and headed for the linen closet. Itachi's sharingan was activated on the cream sauce (little good it would do) and getting soaked in non-mixed melted butter and cream (Was there cheese in it too now? From the violent cursing, maybe) would do nothing for his skin.

Kisame ate his cupcake.

Behind him, he heard the sounds of alfredo sauce exploding all over the kitchen.

Itachi did let out his emotions occasionally, it seemed.