AN: So, I know I'm not supposed to be writing, but I managed to write this over the last couple of days. I couldn't resist posting it as I want to know what you guys think of it!
Thanks for all the feedback and responses I got for Healing You. I have another challenge this time too! This will not be a one shot, but a series of non-related, humorous one shots. Enjoy!
PS – Everyone who got The Indiana Jones question right will have a bunny written for them, if they PM me with the plot/general idea for it (I'm not making them up! It's your bunny).
Friday night, 21:00
"Right everyone!" Jack shouted as he stood outside his office attracting everyone's attention. "Gather round!" Soon a crowd, better known as the staff, had assembled to see what he had to say. "We're short of aliens at the moment so we're closing early. I'd appreciate it if you'd all go home!" He looked around at all the expectant faces before he decided that encouragement was needed, "Cheers!" And with a saucy wink at Gwen he stepped back into his office, slamming the door shut.
Friday night, 21:00
Gwen, Owen and Tosh wandered over to their workstations grumbling as they pottered around at their desks, getting up to date on paperwork. All were in a bad mood as two hours ago, Jack had requested they came into the office and now, they were in no mood to leave.
Ianto headed up the stairs to Jack's office not even bothering to stop to knock as he walked in. "Jack?" he asked as he flopped down into the empty chair opposite the desk, "What's all this about?"
"Well, I found something on the internet-" Jack began.
"The internet?" Ianto echoed, somewhat incredulous. "Since when did you surf the internet? I thought you were a wireless kind of guy."
"Ianto," Jack began impatiently. "Do you want me to continue? Because I'm really quite happy to go out there and call the team back in for the night."
"Well…" Ianto commented as he peered through the glass that overlooked the Hub. "They don't seem to be moving."
And it was true. Owen had gone to make a round of coffee as Ianto had mysteriously disappeared (no-one wanted to venture into Jack's office in case the two of them were in there and there was some illicit snogging going on). Tosh and Gwen had paperwork strewn around them as they were going through the latest case.
"Damn," Jack muttered as he peered out his window too. "It's a Friday night. Why aren't they out? Gwen should be out with Rhys, Owen should be out getting wasted in some bar and Tosh should be, er, well, whatever it is that she does on her nights off."
"You did call them in here two hours ago," Ianto muttered and added a hasty 'sir' at the unimpressed look Jack was giving him.
"Tosh watches TV," Ianto said as he changed the subject and answered Jack's question. "She also does her grocery shopping in the local Tesco and then she…"
And Jack shut him up the only way he knew how, he moved round the desk so fast that Ianto hadn't noticed and slipped his tongue into Ianto's mouth mid sentence.
Friday night, 21:30
Friday night, 21:30
Jack slurped his coffee noisily because it was hot, "Mind for what?"
"You assaulted me earlier?" Ianto rolled his eyes at Jack's lack of manners and his blank face, "Remember? Half an hour ago, when you told the team to kindly bugger off."
"Geez," Jack sighed, "The way you phrase it, it sounds like you didn't enjoy it. Which I know you did." The Captain was smug as he leaned back in his chair.
"And what makes you think I enjoyed it?" Ianto asked as he hid a smirk behind his mug of coffee.
"Well, for starters, there was the fact that it was me who was kissing you," he paused as Ianto chocked on his coffee at his boastfulness, "and then there were those noises that you were making..."
"What noises?" Ianto demanded setting his coffee down on the desk so hard that it spilled on his hand. "Ouch! Bugger!" he complained as he sucked his finger.
"You know, Yan, you really shouldn't do that." Jack said as he felt something in his trousers harden.
"Hmm?" Ianto asked and when Jack leered at him, his eyes opened wide in realisation before he smiled mischievously. "Oh, you mean this?" he asked as he sucked harder on his finger.
"Ianto…" Jack bit out through gritted teeth.
"That's your problem Jack," Ianto said as a wicked grin came across his features and he ignored his own erection with sheer will power. "But if you want me to do something about it, you better get rid of the rest of the team. You have till-". He glanced at his watch, "ten thirty".
"Easy!" Jack said grinning, despite his hardening erection at Ianto's teasing, "Are you sure you don't want to just bang one out now? They'll be going soon. See? Owen's already on his way out – he's putting his jacket on now"
"If that's what you want to think Jack, but by half ten, you'll be begging me for more time," Ianto replied as he sauntered out Jack's office, shutting the door behind him as he re adjusted his trousers.
No sooner, than five minutes later, Owen returned carrying a box of pizzas for the team. Jack groaned; this was going to be a long night.
Friday night, 22:00
Owen sat at his desk and saved the last piece of paperwork that he'd just completed on his computer. He would have gone home by now, but he'd consumed so much caffeine in the last three hours, there was really no point, and knowing Jack he'd just be called in again in a couple of hours. He decided to head down to the autopsy room and dissect a dead Weevil they had found, to see if he could find its cause of death. That should take him an hour or so, and maybe the caffeine would have worn off enough for him to go to bed by then. Hopefully.
Tosh was having the same problem, after the call she'd received from Jack at seven, she too had drunk so much caffeine in the last hour she would have had trouble sleeping if she'd tried to go to home. At least working was more productive than watching late-night TV she mused, as she tried and failed again to get the right equation for a program she was configurating.
Gwen was tired of work, she had a stack of paperwork on her desk, which she'd been putting off for the last, well, year. Her and Tosh had found a lead in their current case and had decided to interview the suspect first thing tomorrow morning. Sighing, she set down her mug of coffee and began to sift through the paperwork that was stacked high.
"So how did you do it?" Jack said to Ianto moodily as he entered Jack's office with a refill of coffee.
"What are you talking about?" Ianto asked as put his feet on Jack's desk and ignored the dark look on his lovers face.
Jack leaned across his desk, "Well, how did you know that Owen was going out for pizza?"
Ianto laughed, "Well Jack, considering he asked us what we wanted to order about five minutes before he left, I would say that would have been a pretty big hint."
"Oh," Jack frowned, obviously not remembering.
Ianto decided to draw Jack's attention back to him and he began to suck on his finger again, "Will you tell me what you were planning for when the team are gone?"
"I was, er, going to, um," Jack stuttered as his eyes were glued to Ianto's mouth. "Is it me or is it hot in here?" He started pulling his collar away from his neck as if to fan himself and opened the top button on his shirt.
Ianto stopped sucking his finger, feeling a bit hot himself at the thought of Jack unbuttoning his shirt. "So are you going to tell me or what?"
"Right," Jack said finally coherent, "Well, I found an, erm, interesting new toy on the internet and I had it specially delivered. So it's here, now, in my desk draw and I was well, hoping we could try it out."
"Well, in that case," Ianto said as he got up to leave, "you better get a move on lover boy, you've only got half an hour left."
Friday night, 22:15
Jack pressed his nose to the glass of the window and saw Ianto wandering around the Hub nonchalantly with the appearance of tidying up, but in reality he was heading round the desks discreetly topping up each mug of coffee with a fresh refill.
"You sneaky bugger Yan," he murmured, "that's how you're keeping them here…" He watched Gwen yawn then take a sip of her coffee and a plan on how to get rid of the team came to mind.
Jack saw Ianto was heading his way so he scrambled away from the glass and assumed a casual position.
"So Ianto…" Jack began as Ianto poked his head round the door.
Ianto raised an eyebrow at the way Jack was sitting; he was stretched back in his chair with his legs propped up on his desk, mirroring Ianto's posture from earlier, but said nothing.
"Here," he said pouring some more coffee in Jack's mug, "have some more coffee."
"I hope you're having coffee too Ianto." Jack said as he gratefully accepted his mug.
"Why? Afraid I'll fall asleep before you finally kick the team out?" Ianto joked.
"No, I'm working on that; I was just worried that you won't be able to keep up with me." Jack retorted.
"Jack," Ianto said as he pulled Jack close and whispered in his ear, "I think the least of your problems would be getting me to keep up with you…"
Leaving Ianto alone in his office to drink coffee and tidy it up, Jack stood up and went to wander round The Hub, at least that's what it looked like, having found himself in countless situations where he was in trouble; Jack decided to put his old tricks of the trade to use.
He visited the autopsy room, checking that Owen was absorbed in dissecting the dead Weevil, and as he peered over his shoulder to pretend he was interested, he swiped a few tools from the trolley and pocketed them as he left quickly.
Jack then went down to the room where he knew Owen stored all his medical equipment and locked the door behind him. He took the tools he had swiped from the trolley out of his pocket and set to work on breaking into the cupboard which contained all the drug supplies.
When he'd got what he needed, he closed the cupboard door and relocked it. He left the room and went the long way round to the kitchen, taking his time to ensure no-one saw him. Safe with the knowledge that Ianto was still in his office, probably writing in his diary or something, he quickly put the kettle on and tipped all the coffee out of the cafetiere and replaced it with decaf that he had found in the back of the cupboard. He crushed the sleeping pill which he had stolen from Owen and slipped that in to the empty cafetiere along with the decaf. The kettle had boiled by this point, and he poured it into the cafetiere, mixing it carefully.
Knowing he was running out of time before Ianto got suspicious and came looking, he carefully and efficiently set everything back in the kitchen to the way it was before he got there.
He turned around to see Ianto coming down the stairs towards him and put an innocent look on his face as he opened the fridge and pretended to be looking for something to eat.
"You know, Jack, you should be trying to get rid of the staff instead of planning a midnight snack for the everlasting pit that you call your stomach." Ianto said as he pulled Jack into a hug.
"Well," Jack said, thankful that Ianto couldn't see the grin that was plastered on his face, "I was just so hungry...." He trailed off and pulled back looking Ianto meaningfully up and down, "But the kind of stuff I'm craving for, doesn't come ready made."
Ianto grinned and backed off, "Oh, look at the time! It's twenty past ten already. Looks like someone only has ten minutes to go." He picked up the spiked cafetiere and wandered round The Hub to refill the team's mugs.
Jack was very careful not to drink any more coffee after that. Ianto wasn't as careful.
Friday night, 22:30
Ianto headed down to Jack's bedroom and stripped off his clothes. He positioned himself carefully on the bed and lay in wait of Jack.
By this point, the team were half way out the door due to the fact that they could barely keep their eyes open and Jack was willing them out of it as fast as possible.
As soon as the door to The Hub had rolled shut behind Gwen, the straddler of the group, he raced upstairs to his office to get the toy out of his draw.
He was hard in anticipation by the time he reached the ladder that descended to his bedroom and slid down it with practised ease. He turned round, sensing Ianto in the room and his hardness gently ebbed away as he took in the sight before him.
On his bed, Ianto lay naked as the day he was born, he was curled up in a ball hugging Jack's pillow with some drool round his mouth, dampening the pillow and murmuring Jack's name.
AN: If you didn't get why Ianto fell asleep, it was because he drunk the spiked coffee too.
Well, it's competition time again!
OK, so to win a plot bunny by me, you have to tell me which 1950s song the phrase "lover boy" comes from…
That should be harder…
And this time (like the last one really) it's everyone who gets it right gets a plot bunny.