I found this old piece of writing at the end of a document yesterday and I decided to edit it a bit and post it. I'm not going to lie it's depressing and angsty as hell. I can't decide if I want to keep it a one-shot or continue. I'll let the reviewers decide.
As for my other works. Hidden in Plain Sight will be updated by the end of this week. Also Cooking for Dummies has a rough draft that I need to finish and fix up, it requires a bit of research it should be finished by next Monday. Dungeons and Dragons will be updated by next Friday. I know that I need to get review replies out but I am so horrifically tired. I'll get those out by tomorrow.
Dedication: Ravenslair the most incredible reviewer and supporter of Robin and Raven. Not sure what he'll think of this one though...
Disclaimer: I don't own it.
Quote: "You never hurt anyone worse than those you love."
"It's not yours."
Her voice was devoid of any emotion. The monotone that she used around strangers was back and that's all that he was thought of for a moment, the way the words sounded. Then the words strung together and he began to comprehend the meaning.
"What?" He couldn't hear what his own voice sounded like, only that it reverberated around him.
There was a moment of silence before she spoke again. "Do you really need me to repeat it Robin?"
"Don't speak to me like that," he said suddenly. It was still taking time for the three words to make its full impact.
He was leaning forward from where he sat on his bed as he looked down at his lap and let his fingers grip his own hair tightly. There was silence again. A brief reassurance hit him as he realized that his mask was still on so she wouldn't be able to see his eyes. "How-" he began but quit as a shameful waver betrayed his voice.
"Which how?" Raven asked emotionlessly. "I'm assuming it's not the sex how. Is it a 'how far along' or a 'how could you do this?'" Her tone wasn't cruel, instead it was utterly flat.
"Don't speak to me like that," he repeated. "I'm not stupid."
"I know," she said, "That's why I listed valid questions."
She waited until he had regained enough control to maintain his composure, allowing him the dignity of not breaking down in front of her. But he still couldn't control his voice the way she could. "How do you know?" he finally managed, "We've been together for two years."
"I'm two months and eighteen days along. You weren't here then," Raven saw him look up, clearly about to speak, "I know from visiting Nevermore. That's the day."
Robin couldn't help it- he ran a hand through his hair again. "Over two and a half months," he said almost harshly, "And you didn't tell me."
His mind retraced the time between then and now. Not even a hint.
"No I didn't," she said blankly.
"Who is it?" he asked suddenly, as a wave of sickness swept over him. Someone else had been with her, she had let someone else caress her skin and kiss her lips. She held someone else to her, sweaty brow against her own, legs entwined, in her bed. Where he and she had-
"I have to leave, don't I," she said without a trace of questioning.
For a bizarre moment he thought she meant simply leaving his bedroom. He was losing her in every way. "Tell me who it was, Raven."
"It doesn't matter," her voice was so blank still.
"Why wouldn't it matter?" he asked, "Is it just some random person, who won't know that you're carrying his chi-," his voice cracked.
"I need to stay here a few more days," Raven said, "And then I'll leave."
She stood and walked away without a backwards glance. She moved through the hallways with carefully controlled movements until she finally entered her bedroom and pressed the door shut behind her.
Her composure lasted for a few seconds longer and then she fell to the ground and wept. Things began to explode around her. The light fixtures broke and glass rained down in the dark. Her bed was destroyed and her books were thrown off the shelves and torn page from page.
Her breakdown continued as the punishment rent her skin, cuts formed across her pale flash and the blood trickled down and she cried in pain.
Robin sat motionlessly. Two and a half months. And she had known. And it hadn't stopped her from making love with him every night as they lay in his bed. And it hadn't stopped her from letting him hold her to him as they fell asleep and woke up. And their conversations hadn't stopped as she spoke to him in that way that she did only for him.
He had known for over a month that she was pregnant. They had been lovers for so long that he knew her body intimately. She'd had the missed period and then he had felt her bare abdomen as he held her one night and he felt the slight bump.
It had filled him with both excitement and trepidation. They were only nineteen. But he loved her dearly. And he'd always harbored silent desires for a family of his own, so that he could be the parent for his child that his parents weren't able to be for him. In a way it was a convenient mistake.
All of it was gone.
He'd held her hands and asked her if she was pregnant even though they both knew.
He still couldn't believe that it had just happened. She was going to leave, she was having someone else's baby. Someone else-
Robin stood up. Two months and eighteen days ago. Who the hell could it have been? Two months and eighteen days ago. He had been gone. He had left to Gotham City for five days.
Robin felt a new wave of absolute sickness. It would have occurred just one day before he had returned. He had come back and she had been so happy to see him and they retired to her room hours before they usually did. If he had returned just one day earlier…
Robin couldn't remember walking but he was somehow at Raven's door. He knew the code to enter her room by heart, but he couldn't bring himself to use it. He moved forward and rested his head against the cool metal of her door. Then he stopped, his fingers pressed lightly against the metal.
Raven was sitting on the floor in a ball, her back pressed against the hard surface of her door. Sobs made her tremble, her shaking hands clutching the floor as she struggled to breathe.
Robin reached over to the keypad by her door and pressed in the code without looking at it. The door whooshed partway open before Raven noticed. She turned and held out a hand that threw her dark magic at the door which immediately slammed shut and there was a hiss as she melted the locking mechanism.
But he saw her face. There were few times that he had ever seen her look like she did now. She was in pain. So much pain. It was her face of hopelessness, that he had seen when she was experiencing the worst of her life. It was the expression that she always wore when he needed to save her.
To know that she hurt so badly did nothing to alleviate the dark pit within himself, it almost worsened it. God, she knew how much this hurt too. She knew how much she had blown it, how they wouldn't be able to fix it. She had no hope for it to get any better.
"Raven," he said hoarsely, his face close to the door. "Let me in."
She was leaning against the other side of the door, breaking into fresh tears as she heard his voice. But she hardened her own. It went as flat as it ever had. "Go. Away."
"Raven," he repeated. "Open the door, let me in."
"I don't want to see you, Robin," she spoke as calmly as she could manage.
He knew her so well, though. Her voice was never that flat without her forcing it to be. "Raven! Open the door!"
"I don't want you!" she suddenly spat at him. "I don't want you, Robin! Why don't you understand that?"
Robin froze as the cruelty of the words hit him with full force. Raven loved him, he knew that. They had been together two years. Shared secrets that only the other knew. How could she say that to him? How could she do this?
His voice fully betrayed him when he spoke again, the tears and pain were raw in his words. "Why are you doing this?"
Raven was sobbing, but without tears. Her contracting muscles took the brunt of it all. "Just leave!" she near hissed at him, "Get away from me! I don't want anything to do with you anymore!"
"Raven, please!" his palms were pressed flat against the cold metal door.
"I don't love you," she managed, "I don't even like you. Why are you still here?"
He couldn't speak. There he was, the mighty Boy Wonder, the hero of Jump City, the protégée of Batman, crying his eyes out with his head pressed to a door in a dark hallway. "Please," he whispered after a moment.
Raven couldn't hear him through the door, but she could feel his heart breaking. It hurt so badly. She hated herself. "Get away from me."
He couldn't leave her. She was his best friend. She knew everything about him. She loved him in spite of all of it, he knew she did. Suddenly Robin stood up. "Fine," he said flatly and then turned and walked away.
Raven felt as though her soul had broken.
I can't breathe.
She managed to stagger to where her mirror to Nevermore rested. She held it away, so that she didn't have to see her face and then suddenly dashed it against the floor. The glass shattered and the shards scattered across the floor to join the rest of the destruction.
The tears slowly stopped and then the anger set in. Against herself. God, she hated herself so much. And this monster. This terrible thing that she now carried inside of her. She hated every bit of it.
Raven reached out and grabbed one of the shards from Nevermore and gripped it tightly, the edges of it piercing her skin, digging inwards. Before she could even fully contemplate what she was about to do, she yanked up her shirt and tore the glass across her bare abdomen. Blood began to flow directly above where she knew the baby was. It dripped with a thick warmth down her skin, hitting her shaking legs. She gasped as she realized what she had done.
Worthless little fool. Why are you doing this?
The second part echoed what Robin had cried at her earlier. How could she have given all of it up? The glass bit through the pale flesh of her arm. How could she have done this to Robin? The glass tore the skin above her shaking collarbone. And how could she have tried to kill what she carried? It slashed over her ribs.
Raven was breathing hard as she finished her abuse. Healing it would hurt just as much as letting it heal on its own, and she didn't want to feel any better anyway.
I can't fucking breathe.
There was a loud knock on the door. "Yo Rob," BB's voice entered his room, "Are you and Rae in there?"
The knife in his stomach twisted deeper. "If you two are still sleeping, then get decent and come out for dinner, we got pizza."
Beast Boy had no idea how much the words hurt Robin as he leaned back against his bed. His heart seemed to be hitting an irregular thud and it suddenly crushed him again. She was having someone else's baby. It was so much more of a permanent wedge than her even saying that she didn't love him. He could win her back, he was sure of it but…
How well could he possibly know her if this had happened?
A sudden throbbing pain hit him and he actually doubled over. He couldn't stay here. Every bit of this hurt. He didn't stop to even look in his mirror before walking out of the room.
Sound ceased as he entered the kitchen. Three of his teammates were sitting eating pizza. BB was frozen with a long string of cheese connecting his mouth to the slice he held. They stared at Robin.
He was pale. There was a tightness of the jaw, a rigidity in the way he held his body. He looked as though he had just rolled out of bed but hadn't slept in ages. It was strange to see so much change in someone without being able to see their eyes.
"Friend Robin? What is wrong?" Starfire said hesitantly.
It was impossible to tell where he was looking. "I'm going out to investigate some leads on some cases we've had."
Cyborg turned to look at the clock. "It's six. Are these new leads?"
"I figured that it was time someone investigate the old ones," he said as he began walking towards the door.
"It's late, Rob. Just do it tomor-" Cyborg began.
"Where's Raven?" Beast Boy suddenly interrupted.
Everyone was silent as Robin froze for a fraction of a second. "She's where she always is," he said as he quickly left.
"Should one us go and check on Friend Raven?" Starfire asked after a moment.
"Dude, did they break up?" Beast Boy asked in amazement.
Cyborg was staring after where Robin had left. "They've been going out for over two years," Beast Boy continued. "Or is it three now?"
"Two earth years and eight earth months," Starfire said.
"I can't believe that he actually broke up with her," Beast Boy said.
"Didn't you see him?" Cyborg said as he shook his head. "She broke up with him."
Beast Boy and Starfire were silent. "So it's over over, isn't it?" Beast Boy finally said.
"I'm going to go and see Friend Raven," Starfire announced and she was out of the room before either BB or Cyborg could stop her.
"Shit," Cyborg said after a few moments.
Cyborg was still gazing towards the door. "They're both going to be crazy now."
Beast Boy nodded. For all of the idiotic games, he was still a smart guy. "I know."
Raven ignored the forceful knocking on the door. She was in her connecting bathroom with a wet washcloth, holding it over the open cuts that she now had.
I can't believe I did that.
Raven stifled a cry as she realized how many times she had said that now. All culminating from the worst of them, that time when Robin had been gone and she-
It was now with a slight dizziness that Raven held the washcloth under the faucet and squeezed the reddish water through it. Anything that would keep the thoughts away. The thoughts of how badly she had screwed this all up.
"Friend Raven?" Starfire's voice echoed from far away. "Friend Raven, please open the door, I wish to speak with you."
Raven shook her head without saying a word. She silently thanked whatever deity would listen to her that she had kept the marks where she could cover them. Though it would be a comfort to have a mark of some sort to show what she was. What she did.
After Starfire finally left, Raven lay in her bed and tried to let herself fall into the oblivion of sleep, but to her dismayed rage she couldn't. She hadn't slept alone for two years. She missed his arms, his chest, the way one of his hands would slide against her skin. No matter which way she turned, it was obvious. She was alone.
After watching the clock change for hours she finally climbed out of her bed and pulled a shirt over her pajamas to hide her arms. Then she teleported to just outside of his room. It killed her to stop there. Raven had always just gone in before.
She knocked softly. There was no answer, though she knew that he was inside. Wouldn't it be so appropriate if he refused to speak to her? "It's me," she said quietly, her head against the door.
There were a few more moments of silence and then he was suddenly there. The door was open and they were face to face. She cleared her throat and it was with an utterly flat voice that she spoke again. "What do you want me to tell them?"
Robin stared at her and then he stepped inside and left room so that she could follow. "Do you really think that's a good idea?" she said.
"Raven," he began shortly and then grabbed her arm and pulled in her. The door shut behind her and he felt the muscles contract beneath his hand as his fingers gripped the still open cut on her arm.
Raven yanked her arm away as Robin looked at her. "What did you do to yourself?" he said as he drew her closer and gently rolled back the sleeve of her shirt.
They both stood there in the dim light of his bedside lamp. "Where else?" he said as his hands slid along her arms searching for the cuts he now knew were there. His fingers finally rested upon the slash on her collarbone.
God, he knew her so well.
Raven was looking straight at him as his hands glided smoothly down to where he already knew the third cut would be. A symbol of this ultimate pain for the both of them.
"Why did you do it?" he said quietly.
Raven knew that he wasn't talking about the cuts. "Quit asking me that, Robin."
He was still for a moment. "Was it worth it?"
Raven didn't answer him. He already knew that she wouldn't. As that silence stretched between them Raven looked to the door that she so wanted to escape from. "What do you want me to tell the others?" she finally said. "About why I'm leaving. Do you want them to know the truth?"
"Where are you going to go?" Robin asked.
She didn't know. "It doesn't matter."
"If you're going to stay in a public place, where people will know you then you need to tell them that it's not…" he couldn't finish.
"Not yours," Raven finished for him.
He merely nodded, looking away. "I'm heading out of sight," she said, "I'll just tell them that we broke up, that I've been wanting to leave for awhile now."
Robin didn't say anything and then he finally looked back at her. "Give me one more night," he said quietly.
It would do nothing but break their hearts further.
"That's not a good idea Robin," Raven said, looking away. His bed bore the rumpled signs of not having been slept in as well.
"Please," he said in a voice that was as close as he had ever come to begging. "Please, let me have one more night."
Before a lifetime of being apart. Neither of them said it.
The silence stretched forever. "One last night," Raven finally whispered.
Every touch was deliberate. It was slow. A pure inhalation of every sense of each other. As they lay together Robin's arms held her both tighter than he ever had and yet gentler than he ever had. The sun rose far too quickly and it hurt worse with every moment.
He wanted to talk to her, to try and figure out some way that they could be together, some way to undo everything that had been done. But he didn't ruin this last time with useless words. He wanted to keep this beautiful.
Finally Robin felt her shift in his arms. His arms froze and he didn't think that he'd be able to let her go, but they loosened as she pulled away from him. Raven sat on the edge of the bed and then turned. She kissed him deeply on the lips, and held a hand to the side of his face, fingers caressing. "Stay in here, today. Let me leave."
Then she walked away. She didn't look back. The door shut and he couldn't see her any longer.
All day long he stayed in his bed, breathing in the scent of her. He fell into a troubled sleep as it got darker, his dreams filled with the images of her leaving and then a cruel one in which she returned and told him that she loved him and was going to stay with him.
The next day he finally emerged. And she was gone. She had left almost everything. But she was gone. He knew without even looking in her room.
Robin made a cup of coffee and then sat on the couch to stare ahead blindly as the sun further brightened the room.
There you go. What do you think; one-shot or should I add a couple more chapters. I know that was a rather depressing note to end on.