Title: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-James-ed

Chapter: 1

Author: xxpiratexx (ME)

Summary: My mind is plotting against me, I swear

Muse / Beginning Idea: Totally stolen from Chocolate Covered Love, by johnnydicaprio. I'm planning on taking the first chapter, writing it in my style, and making the rest my own. :D

Author's Note: Um…Read and Review?

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My mind is plotting against me, I swear. It wants to kill me. No, worse! It wants to ruin my life and force me to live it!

But I can't confront it just yet. Because I'm on the run, you see. On the run from a despicable piece of particularly brown soap scum looking for an explanation.

I'd rather be on the run from my mind. And that's saying something. Because, unlike the devilishly hand—I mean despicable piece of soap scum (Well, I simply must admit that he's a boy. Because he is. But 'despicable piece of soap scum' is a metaphor. And not a particularly nice one at that.), my mind can come up with surprisingly cruel and unusual punishments.

Whoops! He's catching up. I've got to stop thinking and GO! I've got to run!

Actually, it's pretty ridiculous that I'm trying to run. I mean, I'm an excellent runner. But the one person that just has to chase me (for good reason, I admit) HAS to be the only bloke in the whole of Hogwarts' School of Witchcraft and Wizardry that can run faster than me.

Oi.

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-James-ed.

I'm rather proud of that nickname, actually. I thought of it when—

Oh, dear God! Run, Lily, RUN! He's catching up! Don't look back! DON'T LOOK BACK!

Bloody hell.

Yeah, thanks, mind.

You just HAD to betray me now. This is MUTINY, this is! I'm telling you not to look back and WHAT DO YOU DO? You look back.

And you just HAVE to melt whenever He-Who-Must-Not-Be-James-ed (HWMNBJ) shows up in my field of vision, peripheral or otherwise.

I don't want to look back, and you make me look back. Then, I see HWMNBJ, and I can't run anymore because, well, I don't even know why! My mind (you) turns into mush. That's a double whammy. As I said, I am capable of surprisingly cruel and unusual punishments. And that was one of them. Oh, Gods. Why do I have to be so brilliant?

So now I'm sitting in the bloody HALL in the bloody middle of the bloody night waiting for HWMNBJ.

Admittedly, that didn't take long. He probably would have caught up even if I had kept running.

"Lily?" HWMNBJ says, panting. I smirk. He notices. "Look, it's not my fault I'm tired after chasing you around the school."

My smirk stays firmly in place. THANK YOU, MIND!

He offers a hand to help me up. I notice the beads of sweat on it and refuse wave it off.

YES! MIND, I LOVE YOU!

"Would you like to talk at the tower?"

"Yes to the heads' tower, no to the talking." I say brattily.

He looks at me seriously, then wipes his hands on his green shirt. "We have to talk eventually."

"We are talking." I say craftily. "But we don't have to talk about that." I take off running now, knowing I can easily reach the tower, change, and pretend to be asleep by the time he gets there. What with my little break and head start (HWMNBJ stared openmouthed at me for about a minute while I ran) and his tiredness and sweatiness, I can easily conclude that we won't have to talk about that.

Not tonight, anyways.

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A/N: Loved it? Hated it? This is my pathetic attempt at trying to start a humorous, novel-length fic. Don't worry. There will be SOME seriousness. Just not in this chapter. And probably not in the next one, either. But I'll only post the next chapter of people (At least two?) review telling me they want the rest of it. Which, by the way, isn't written yet. xD. So, what are you waiting for?

REVIEW!

A cookie for all of you reviewers,

Rose