Fic: A Most Modest Proposition
Rating: PG (slight cursing and slight perversion, but not much else).
Summary: Unicorns, faeries, gnomes, nymphs, fauns, zombies, mermaids, leprechauns, and centaurs. All of these creatures do NOT exist in Middle-earth. Said creatures, tired of being left out of all the action, want in. They do what everyone else does when they're unhappy and want change: write a petition.
A/N: I read yet another fic where faeries popped into Middle-earth. I'm still trying to figure that one out. Anyways, suppose you could call this retaliation... high on sugar, of course. No offense meant to any who have written such a fic, of course. This is all in good fun.
There are a few Silmarillion terms used throughout this fic. If you are unfamiliar with the Silmarillion, I recommend scrolling down to the bottom of the page where everything is briefly explained.
Disclaimer: Arda belongs to Tolkien. These random fantasy creatures belong to whatever mythology they came from. OC individuals, sadly, belong to me. And my quick research on said mythological creatures comes from Wikipedia. I love you, Wikipedia. One day, you too shall not be thought as a misspelled word on Microsoft Word and enter the ranks of Google.
Bob the Gnome, who stood upon a particularly high stool, called the meeting to order. There were nine gathered in the meeting house that day, and nine is a very respectable number. After all, there were nine walkers in the Fellowship, and there were nine planets in the solar system before the International Astronomical Union knocked Pluto off the map. Bastards.
Gathered in this large, open meeting house was one to represent each of the Nine Neglected Races... that is, unicorns, faeries, gnomes, nymphs, fauns, zombies, mermaids, leprechauns, and centaurs. Any other mythical, neglected race didn't manage to send in an RVSP on time, so they were conveniently forgotten. Besides, 'nine' and 'neglected' made an alliteration, and that was a very nice thing. They were going to use 'nations' instead of 'races' to make it a perfect alliteration, but no one present really had a nation, so races it remained.
Anyways, Bob the Gnome attempted to call the meeting to order again when his first shout was not heard by the admittedly larger species. It took him about five minutes to get someone's attention, but when the leprechaun finally heard him, he helped the poor gnome and told everyone to shut up, only in less polite terms. The meeting room finally quieted.
"Right," said Bob the Gnome once all were silent. "The Meeting of the Nine Neglected Races is now in session." He banged a small hammer against the stool he stood upon just to make this clear. "I shall now call role. Who is here to represent the unicorns?"
"I am. My name is Flower," neighed Flower the Unicorn. Now, many humans don't know that unicorns actually speak. That is because humans are stupid. Just because you've never seen a unicorn talk doesn't mean that it can't.
"Good, good," said Bob, checking her name off a list. "Now, uh, who's here for the faeries?"
"Leera represents the faerie folk," replied the faerie, hovering in mid-air. Now, there are many ways one can look at a faerie. Some mythological lore has them depicted as small, pixie-like things, while other tales have fairies as large as the average human being, only with big wings and very magical powers. As the latter are the type one will see fluttering into Middle-earth, Leera is, of course, one of them.
Bob nodded, pushing his pointy hat out of his face as it fell forward. "All right... there's the faeries... I represent the gnomes... oh, who is here for the nymphs?"
"Ashe is," said the nymph. "And, to be specific, I'm a dryad. An oak tree nymph." To prove her point, she turned into an oak tree.
"Oh, for Poseidon's sake!" said the mermaid when some of the oak tree's leaves fell into her little pool of water.
"Ulmo," corrected the centaur, who looked very bored. "We're trying to get into Middle-earth, so use the right name."
The mermaid just grumbled, glaring at the nymph and splashing the leaves out of her little pool.
The gnome coughed to get everyone's attention back to him. "Anyways, who's here for the fauns?"
"Temus," said a gloomy looking faun in the corner. "My brother is Tumnus. Lucky bastard got to go to Narnia, but when I try to get into Middle-earth, their stupid gods-"
"Valar," corrected the centaur.
"Whatever," Temus waved the centaur off. "Well, they kicked me out. Said I didn't belong."
"Which is why we're here," said the mermaid, still glaring at the nymph. "We'll get into Middle-earth, sooner or later."
"Later if we do not get through roll call," said Bob the Gnome, feeling somewhat frustrated by all of the interruptions. When things quieted down again, he cleared his throat. "Right. Now, eh, is the representative for the zombies here?"
When no one immediately responded, the gnome blinked in surprise. "Well?"
"He's over there," said the leprechaun in a thick Irish accent, pointing right behind the gnome.
The gnome turned around and saw that there was indeed a zombie, fast asleep.
"Hey! Wake up!" shouted Bob. Being a gnome, he didn't have much effect and the zombie slept on.
"I've got it," said Ashe. Turning into an oak tree once more, she thwapped the zombie with one of her branches. It was very effective. The zombie blinked and immediately started talking.
"Uh, I should already be in Middle-earth, after all, they already have ghosts and dead people coming back to life, and zombies are just that-"
"We're not there yet, idiot," Temus the Faun snapped at the zombie. "We're doing roll call. If you were paying attention, you'd know that."
The zombie blinked. "Oh," he finally said. "Well, uh, I'm representing the zombies. I'm Rob. Rob Zombie."
"Rob Zombie? You think you could just be a little more creative?" said the faerie scornfully. When the nymph started giggling, Leera glared at her. Stupid tree.
Bob cleared his throat again. Honestly, these people were being very uncooperative. "Well, who is representing the mermaids?"
"I am," said the mermaid, who took another leaf out of her pool of water. "My name is Laurel. It's like coral, only prettier." She brushed her blonde tresses from her face and shot the gnome a dazzling smile. Flower the Unicorn rolled her eyes and Ashe spilled some more leaves into her pool of water. Accidentally, of course.
Bob was not really affected by the mermaid. He simply went down the list, wanting to be done with this so they could get on to the actual meeting. "Well, who is here for the leprechauns?"
"Brian O'Leary is," he said in a very thick, Irish accent. He looked very similar to the leprechaun on the Lucky Charms cereal box, only he was ten times cruder. "I'm only here because I lost a drinking contest to Larry O'Brien. Bastard he is, I know he cheated!"
"Fascinating," Bob interrupted, shutting him up before he could start. "Lastly, centaurs?"
"Gildin, at your service," said the centaur with a small bow. "Now, let us start the meeting, my good gnome?"
"Yes, yes!" said Bob, writing down the centaur's name. He wrote down the date and time of the meeting, and finally, they began.
"Well," started the gnome, "As you all know, we have been very much neglected by the Creator and his Ainur of Middle-earth. Arda is a vast land, filled with much open space that would give all of us plenty of room to roam. Nevertheless, they have not granted us access! There is no room for us anywhere else, as mankind has all but overridden Earth-"
"We should kill them all!" shouted the leprechaun.
"Too late for that now, the people of Earth have knowledge beyond our own magical means," Leera said, still hovering in mid-air. "And they do not believe in us, either. Santa's elves are having a huge problem functioning with non-believers, and our own magic withers with the humans' non-belief. So we would not be strong enough to defeat their technology."
"We should have taken them out at the beginning of the first Industrial Revolution," snarled Brian, but his short stance and thick accent made it a bit less threatening. "Or before then, when they still believed we existed. Then we wouldn't be having this problem!"
"Oh, that's just mean," Ashe said, once more in a non-tree form. "We should just live peacefully among them."
"Not among them, but with those in Middle-earth," said the gnome above their voices. "We need to forget about all other lands; they are filled with other species, or just too overrun by one. Middle-earth, however, has a lot of open space, and barely any species."
"He is correct," said Gildin the Centaur. "We have been trying to get into Middle-earth for years, but now is the perfect opportunity. Orcs and trolls are dying, the elves are leaving, dragons are extinct, the giant spiders are almost gone, and the Ents will go back into hiding. All left to deal with are men, hobbits, and dwarves! There is plenty enough room for all of us."
"Yea," Rob said in a low, slow voice. "And we're like, exactly like a lot of them... I mean, I know that people have come back to life, and before that king of Gondor came by, there were ghosts hiding in the mountains. I'm exactly like them!"
"I'm like an Entwife," Ashe said. "And other nymphs fit perfectly into Middle-earth."
"Faeries are exactly like elves, only with wings," Leera said. "It's ridiculous, how we cannot have a kingdom of our own."
"Leprechauns are similar enough to hobbits," the leprechaun muttered. "And gnomes are too, I suppose."
"Unicorns and centaurs would fit very well in Rohan," Flower said.
"I'd fit in well enough," the faun mumbled.
"There is no one in the waters! There is plenty of space for my people," Laurel said. "I don't see why we can't go into Middle-earth."
"I went to the Valar concerning this issue a few years ago," the centaur said. "They said that they didn't want us messing around with the fate of Middle-earth concerning the Ring. Now that the Ring is destroyed, I don't see why we can't go."
"I can answer that," the gnome said once he finished writing down all of their arguments. "They said that it was now for the time of Mankind to inherit Middle-earth."
There was a loud silence throughout the meeting room. One cannot be quite sure how a silence can be loud; you just have to experience it to understand it. But as with all silences, whether loud or quiet, it was broken.
"Well, that's just bullshit," Temus said.
"Humans are already the only speaking people on Earth, and now Arda is to have that same fate?" the faerie asked in horror. "Then what about us? Where are we to go?"
"That's just unfair," Ashe said, and burst into tears.
"Well, what are we gonna do?" Rob asked. "It's not like we can, like, go to war against these Valar people."
"Of course we can!" the leprechaun shouted. "Kill them all!"
"They're immortal, they can't die," the centaur said. "Trust me, you would not want to go against these people. They're very powerful."
"Well, what are we going to do?" Flower asked, waving her mane out of her face.
"I have a proposition," the gnome said. When all faces were turned to him, he took out a long piece of parchment paper. "We should write a petition."
"A petition?" the mermaid blinked. "What's a petition?"
"It's what the whiny humans of Earth write when they are unhappy about something and want to complain," Bob explained. "We right down what we want and why we want it, and why they should give it to us."
"So... basically we write why we want to go to Middle-earth and stuff?" asked the zombie.
"So it would seem," the centaur muttered. "It just might work."
"Good, because I've already written it up," Bob said, turning the piece of parchment over. "I wrote down all of our names, when we met, and all the reasons why we need a place of our own. We can't remain wandering forever."
"Give me that," Leera demanded, taking the petition from him. She read it quickly, her eyes betraying no emotion. "Well... I suppose it will work. I am not quite sure if I agree with your description of us, though."
"What description?" the leprechaun asked. She silently handed it over to him, and he quickly read it. "'Pitiful, unwanted creatures'?" the leprechaun raised a bushy eyebrow.
The faun frowned. "That's really fu-"
"Give me that!" the gnome demanded, swiping the petition away from the leprechaun. "And for Eru's sake, stop cursing so much!" he snapped to Temus. "We're not going to get in if you bring in that modern lingo you learned from L.A., faun." The faun merely glowered at Bob.
"Now, I'm going to send this petition to the Valar," Bob said, jumping off the stool. "I'll be sure to call another meeting when I get a response. This meeting is adjourned." With that, he turned around and scurried out of the meeting hall.
There was yet another silence, though it was not as long as the last one. Soon enough the rest of the people in the hall were all talking.
"I don't really feel like I participated that much," the Unicorn said. Gildin the Centaur shook his head.
"This meeting was much too hasty, in my opinion, and Bob made most of the decisions."
"Control freak," the mermaid muttered. The faun said something a bit ruder than that, which led to Flower gasping in surprise and Ashe bursting into tears.
"Oh, shut up already," said Brian O'Leary to Temus. "You made the tree cry."
"Dryad!" the tree- err, dryad- sobbed in protest.
"Say," Rob interrupted the chaos with a low drawl. "How's that gnome gonna send that petition to these Valar people, anyways?"
The meeting room fell silent once more as that question processed through the brains of those gathered.
"A surprisingly good question," Gildin muttered. "I will investigate this issue." With that, he galloped out of the meeting room, leaving the other seven blinking in surprise.
"This wasn't how I expected the meeting to turn out," Leera broke in. "Don't meetings like this usually last... longer?"
"I'm glad it wasn't long," Ashe said. "Long meetings are boring. Besides, since we ended the meeting so fast, we will get a response faster."
Even she could have not have known how fast the response would be.
The centaur was back in the room about forty-three seconds after he had left, a startled gnome on his back. Bob was holding an impressive-looking letter in his hand.
"They responded already?" Leera asked in surprise.
"Yes. I wasn't even able to get the petition in the mailbox before this came out of the sky."
"How do you know it's from them?" Brian asked with an unconvinced scowl.
Bob held out the envelope. It clearly read "To: Nine Neglected Races; From: Us".
"Oh," Ashe said, blinking. "That's weird."
"Kinda creepy," Rob muttered, looking at the letter suspiciously.
"Open it!" Temus demanded.
Bob ripped the envelope open and took the letter from inside. He glanced at it, read the few words on the page, and then looked up, blinking in confusion.
"What does it say?" Laurel asked as she swam closer to the gnome.
When Bob did not respond, Gildin took the letter from his hands and read it aloud. "Eru has heard your complaints. Look outside."
"Well, let's go then!" Ashe said with a large grin. She skipped to the front door, and the others soon followed. Laurel, with the help of Gildin, climbed onto Flower's back and awkwardly rode her outside.
When the representatives for the Nine Neglected Races came outside, the saw the oddest sight. In front of them was a portal, and beside the portal was a rather bored-looking individual. He looked to be a Man, but no one there thought he really was.
Once he saw them all outside, the mannish-looking being droned, "Eru Ilúvatar, the Creator, has heard your plea for a realm you can call your own. He has spent long time, as is accounted by Mortals, to build a land fitting for all of your needs. It is now ready, and he asks that you kindly refrain from sending any more letters to any of the Ainur, all of whom are very busy and don't need to be bothered by petitions. If you will follow me, you will all be escorted to a land made specifically to encompass your species. You will find your kindred have already been taken there. Please follow me." With that, he turned and went into the portal.
There was a beat of silence before the nine rushed to get into portal. They were soon all in, and the monotone individual led each of them to their own little chunk of earth (or water, in the mermaid's case) where they could live Happily Ever After.
And so they did. For, you see, Eru did not want these foreign creatures invading Middle-earth, for they did not belong there. And, in his book, they never, ever did.
Arda: Arda is a worldly mass; Middle-earth is a part of Arda.
The Creator/The One/Eru Ilúvatar Ainur Valar Ulmo
The Creator/The One/Eru Ilúvatar: An all-powerful being who created the Ainur, Elves, Men, and more besides. Comparable to God of the Christian faith.
Ainur: They are spiritual, angel-like beings who Eru created first, and a group of them are a direct link from Middle-earth to Eru.
Valar: They are the great Ainur; there are 14 of them (7 male and 7 female) that are in Middle-earth. The lesser Ainur are called Maiar; Gandalf, Saruman, and Sauron are all Maiar.
Ulmo: Lord of the Waters of Middle-earth, one of the Valar. Could be compared to Poseidon/Neptune of Greek/Roman mythology.