Road to Hell

6teen belongs to Nelvana. Not me. I am poor, they are not.

It began with well-intentioned advice, progressed to mockery of Wyatt's hair, and concluded with cease-and-desist PDA orders from the Rent-a-Cop.

Jonesy, as usual, was lounging in the food court by the lemon, having just been fired for the third time this week. Sipping at one of Caitlin's free lemon smoothies, Jonesy was quite content to just relax and not care about anything.

Obviously, that couldn't last long.

"Duuude!" a familiar voice called, and a blonde teen collapsed heavily and gracelessly in the chair next to him.

"Juuude." Jonesy agreed, clacking his fist against the others. "What's up?"

"Hi Jude!" Caitlin chirped, and the teen gave her a distracted wave.

"Jonesy, seriously, man." Jude fidgeted. "I need your help. I kind of like someone, and…"

"Say no more." Jonesy held out of a flat hand. "I understand completely. You like this absolutely gorgeous thing. You've tried to please her, tried to talk to her, tried everything. And now you need the Jonesy-Meister to teach you how to win fair lady's heart."

"Something like that," Jude scratched at his toque. "I tried to be all mysterious, right? Hinting and stuff? And they didn't get it."

"Pshaw." Jonesy waved a hand majestically. "Subtly's for suckers. What you need is to walk right up to her, and just make it obvious. Subtly doesn't work, you need to be in-your-face obvious."

"How obvious is obvious?" Jude frowned, crossing his arms.

"I'm a fan of the dip-and-kiss technique myself." Jonesy grinned. "You don't give them a chance to protest, then, and by the time they remember to, they don't want to anymore."

"Oh." Jude blinked. "Does that actually work?"

"Of course it does!"

"As if," Nikki interrupted, flicking at Jonesy's head as she flopped down in her usual seat. "No girl is ever going to fall for that."

"Not with an attitude like that," Jonesy grumbled. "Guys are more forceful than girls, Nikki, and some people happen to find that sexy."

"If you're really wondering, Jude, you should totally take this quiz." Caitlin leaned over the counter to hand him a 'Pop Teen Beauty' magazine. "See, here? 'How well do you know what your guy wants?' Try this, it'll totally give you good advice."

"Jude's not trying to 'please his man', Caitlin," Nikki rolled her eyes, and snatched the magazine out of Jude's hands.

"Hey, give it!" Jude yoinked the magazine back, and took the pen Caitlin was holding out. "M'gonna fill out of the quiz – I can do quizzes. Quizzes are sources of knowledge, dude."

The other three stared at him for a long moment, then Caitlin chirped. "See? Quizzes are good for something."

Nikki just shook her head. "So. Jonesy. How goes the search for menial employment?"

"Man, getting a job sucks." Jonesy moped, kicking back and tossing his feet up on the table. "I've been fired from all the good places, and all the bad places won't even hire me!"

"Aw, what a shame, Jonesy. Maybe they haven't heard about you stellar work ethic yet," Nikki said sarcastically.

"Finished!" Jude chirped.

"Ooh!" Caitlin bounced, clapping. "What's your score?"

"Umm…" Jude tapped his chin with his pen. "It says… 'you're totally clueless when it comes to your man. You need a self help book, because he's not picking up on your hints – if you're even managing to give them out at all.' Aww…" he looked crestfallen. "Bummer."

Caitlin pouted. "Aww, poor Jude. It's not so bad… you just need practice, that's all."

"Huh." He paused. "Good idea."

He stood up, and the others peered at him. "Where are you going?" Nikki frowned.

"Practice, dude!" Jude flashed them the thumbs up, then flipped his board down and boarded off.

Jonesy sighed. "I tried to train him. I really did."

"Train who?" Wyatt asked, flopping heavily to his usual chair, sighing heavily.

"Jude," Caitlin piped up. "Hi Wyatt! How are you?"

"Lousy," he groaned, running his hands wearily through his hair.

Jonesy snorted.

"What?" he asked, warily.

"Nice hair, man." Jonesy smirked.

"Huh?" he peered upwards, trying to see his hair. "What's wrong with it?"

"It's all…" Jonesy wriggled his fingers. "Weird."

Wyatt narrowed his eyes at him. "Well, look at you, Jonesy. You're so cool…" he leaned back, bracing his elbows on the chair back the way Jonesy usually did. "Look at me, I'm Mr. Cool."

Nikki snorted. "Nicely done, Wyatt."

"How come Jude's like, speeding over here?" Caitlin asked, wrinkling her nose. "He's like a man on a mission, or something."

Sure enough, Jude was screaming across the food court (though not literally, of course), totally disregarding anyone who might have been in his way, making them leap to the side.

"What is he doing?" Jonesy wondered.

"Maybe he's taking your advice, Jonesy," Nikki smirked. "He's becoming a man of action, tracking down that girl of his dreams."

Caitlin giggled. "That would be cute!"

Wyatt frowned. "Again with the 'what'?"

Jude raced across the food court towards them, and at the last second before crashing into them, he leapt off his skateboard, landing sideways on Wyatt's lap.

"Woah!" Wyatt blinked at him. "Wha- ?!"

Ignoring him, Jude grabbed Wyatt's head, yanked him forward, and planted a toe-curling, spine-tingling kiss on him.

Wyatt let out a muffled cry of some kind of protest, but Jude apparently liked taking advantage of that, because as the others stared in horrified fascination, Jude slid his tongue into Wyatt's mouth, moaning as he writhed against him.

Jonesy blinked. "Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?"

Wyatt moaned, and his hands came up to rest heavily on Jude's hips, leaning forward a little to settle comfortably on his chair, tugging Jude tightly against him.

"I think you are." Nikki said slowly, with disbelief.

"Ee!" Caitlin squealed. "So cute!"

Jen walked over, head cocked to the side. "Uh… are Jude and Wyatt making out?"

"Uh-huh." Caitlin chirped. "Isn't it cute?"

"In a very strange and slightly oogely way, yeah." She shrugged, and sat down beside thm.

"Hey, you there!" the Rent-a-Cop ordered, stopping his golf cart beside them. "No PDAs in the food court, you!"

"Relax, Ron." Nikki rolled her eyes. "You never tell the vacuum couple to stop… is it just cause they're guys?"

"Yeah, well, I…" he spluttered for a moment. "Well, keep your clothes on, then!"

"They are keeping their clothes on." Caitlin said, confused.

"Just… I have my eyes on you!" he snapped, obviously angry, and 'raced' away.

"Uh huh." Jonesy frowned. "Should we, uh… stop them?"

Nikki frowned thoughtfully, examining the now happily making out pair. "Well, technically, Jonesy, he is just taking your advice."

Jonesy groaned. "First time my advice works, and it helps a guy snag another guy."

Caitlin frowned thoughtfully. "Maybe you should start writing advice books for gay guys! That's a job!"

The others just laughed when Jonesy dropped his head onto the table.