A/N: This has been forced upon me against my will.
If you haven't read "A Rock and a Hard Place," you're going to be lost. This takes place like maybe six months after the other one ended.
I already hate this, and it hasn't even started yet.
"Will you marry me?"
"John, not now…" Brittany hissed through her teeth with a wide smile on her face, shunning away the one question that every girl wants to be asked by their boyfriend. No she wasn't smiling because John had just proposed to her. She was smiling because she had to.
It was really quite the odd place for a wedding proposal, to be honest. It was not at a nice restaurant or a place that held special memories for the couple. Yes, there were plenty of people around to share the moment with. Half of the large group consisted of their friends, but the other half would not be so keen on seeing a wedding proposal right in the middle of the room they were all sitting in. The thought of both Danielle's and Dave's parents reacting to John proposing to his girlfriend in the middle of their children's wedding was just ludicrous.
Then again, John Cena never had the best timing with anything, nor was he the brightest crayon in the box.
At least he had the sense to whisper his request as he and Brittany walked down the aisle with their arms linked, being the best man and maid of honor for the wedding.
"But Brittany, I--"
"John," Brittany hissed again, trying to keep her face as straight as possible.
John was an impatient man. Suddenly, Brittany felt something slip onto her left ring finger. She knew it was a ring. If they had not been in walking in their best friends' wedding, Brittany would have course gladly accepted, and it would have been one of the happiest days of her life. But since John just attempted a stunt like that, Brittany was rethinking the whole thing.
It wasn't that she didn't love John, because she did, but if he was dumb enough to try that then…
What else was he dumb enough to try?
Luckily, they soon reached the end of the aisle. Brittany moved the bouquet of flowers from her right hand to her left and clasped her right hand around her left, masking the ring. She did her best to keep a smile on her face. This was Danielle's day, not hers, and she didn't want to ruin it because her boyfriend was an idiot.
I hate weddings.
First of all, Dave is a fucking douche. I have no idea how he found a chick to put up with his bullshit, but more power to him. I can't wait until he cheats on her. She'd kick his ass, and I'd laugh.
Second, it is even more distracting when you absolutely detest the two people sitting in front of you.
I blame creative.
Okay, so I don't hate her. I hate him.
So like two weeks after I told her that I don't want anything to do with her, which was a complete lie, guess what happens? Some fucking genius from creative decided that it would be a fan-fucking-tastic idea to move Edge over to RAW.
Do you feel my pain? If not, it gets worse.
Not only do they move him over here, but they have him win his first match. That's fine and dandy and all, but guess who they make job to him?
Oh, that's right…
Me. Not to mention they made Becky turn heel during that match. They had her leave me and go with Edge. Mother fucker…
Two strikes. Here comes the third.
Guess who his new girlfriend is?
Yep. Becky, his so called "best friend."
Let's go back in time, shall we?
"I've never been with Edge."
"I thought you guys were going out! That's what you told me!"
"Just spit it out."
"I only went out with him to make you jealous."
See? She said she never liked him. She's not one to change her mind very easily. But now I think she really is going out with him. I am not jealous.
I just wish his stupid hair would catch on fire.
No offense to Dave and Danielle, but weddings are boring. I can't believe I let Dom drag me out to this thing. She's not even friends with either of them. I think she hates Danielle or something. There was something about Dave being upset with one of Dom's storylines back when he was on RAW, so Dom hates Dave and Dom hates Danielle by default.
Dom really needs to stop watching Austin Powers movies. They make her angry.
But this whole wedding thing gives me an idea. You know, I did ask her to marry me, and she did accept.
Sorry, Dave. This is boring.
Good thing we're sitting in the last row.
I leaned over and whispered into Dom's ear, "Did you think about when you want to tie the knot?"
She took my hand and I could feel her extremely expensive, and I mean that in a good way, ring rub up against my hand. The instant I saw that ring, I knew that was the one for her. After all, nothing is too good for my baby. At least she doesn't ask for or demand things. I don't mind then. With Sam, it was always, "Randy! I want this! Randy! I want that!"
She nuzzled up against my arm and whispered back, "I was thinking…"
"Well, I want you mine as soon as possible. I don't want any more rats like Sam trying to snake you out from under me. I think we should elope. I was never a fan of big weddings, anyways. Well, unless you wanted a big wedding…"
She makes it too damn easy for me.
"First off, baby, you're usually the one under me. Second of all, you know me. I don't like all of the fuss that a proper wedding requires. I can have us in Vegas by next weekend, if you'd like."
"Why wait? You're off after RAW on Monday. Why not fly out then?"
I like the way the woman thinks.
"You've got it."
Weddings always make me cry. They're so sweet and everything. I can't wait until I get married.
It's just too damn bad that the man I want is dating some whore.
I am not a whore. Charlie is a whore.
Blondes? I thought Jeff liked different, not some Barbie bimbo.
I even dyed my hair purple in hopes that he'd notice me. I know that's one of his favorite colors. Apparently, it's not working.
Mark my words, I will have Jeff Hardy. It's only a matter of time before he does something stupid and Charlie makes the biggest mistake of her life.
I can't wait. That will make me very happy.
Ugh! Just looking at the sight of those two together makes me absolutely sick! The way he has his arm around her makes me want to rip it off.
I wrestle. Charlie doesn't. I'll win this battle.
I keep trying to remind myself that I love him, but it's not working.
I've put up with too much of his bullshit to let him go so far, but I think this just might be the icing on the cake.
Of course I would have loved to marry him. I know he's not the smartest guy, but he's really shown me how stupid he is. I don't think I can handle that kind of stupidity.
Who the hell proposes to their girlfriend in the middle of their best friend's wedding?! That is absurd! I always thought that Jeff pulling all of those stunts was stupid, but this tops them all.
This is the Messiah of stupidity.
Okay, so no one noticed, but I sure as hell won't forget it. The whole thing sure didn't happen like I had imagined it. This is the one thing that every girl dreams about her entire life. There should have been flowers, not counting the bridesmaid bouquets, and a nice evening out. It should have happened in a crowded place where everyone notices and the world just stops.
You know, John Cena has to be the center of everything on television, so why couldn't he have made us the center of attention at a better time?
I guess it doesn't help that I've been avoiding him like the plague all weekend.
I know he wants an answer, but I'm just not ready to give it to him. If he was dumb enough to do this, what else can he possibly concoct to fuck up? I even switched hands with the ring. It's on my right hand.
Knowing John, he won't notice.
Oh fuck, here he comes now.
"I'm sorry, babe, but I've got to run some tests!" I called back to him, quickly making my escape.
I feel bad about this.
Maybe I'm just not ready for this…
I'm going to kill them both. I swear, I'm going to kill them both.
Okay, I know that Adam is my…boyfriend. Ugh, the thought still makes me shiver. I don't even know why I'm going out with him. I swear, it's not for the same reason as last time, but whatever. I just think that we made better friends, and I'm pretty sure Adam feels the same way.
Then again, neither of us will break it off.
I'm sick of these two dorks. They're always shooting death glares at each other. They really have no reason to.
But I'm kind of looking forward to the point when they snap. It will be refreshing to see Adam knock that cocky ass smirk off of Cody's stupid face.
Okay, I guess that day is coming sooner than I thought it would.
Adam is like fuming something nasty right now. Shit, someone said the wrong thing to him.
"Becky, we're leaving now," he said, grabbing my arm.
"But Adam, I still have a match tonight!" Seriously, is he retarded? RAW just started like twenty minutes ago, and he is the one that's supposed to come down to the ring with me! Bastard!
"I don't care. I'll pay the fucking fine, but we just need to fucking get the fuck out of here before that--"
"Adam, you fuck!" Oh, shit. There he is.
Oh wow, Cody was good for something for once. Adam let go of the death grip he had on me.
"Go cry to your daddy, Runnels." Oh no…Adam did not just pull the daddy card. That's never a good thing.
"How about you go back to SmackDown so we don't have to deal with your bullshit?"
"How about you back the fuck off before I kick your face in?"
"How about you just get the hell out of here so you don't mess anything else up?"
"No, you pretty much fucked that up on your own," Adam said. Shit, he glanced at me.
That's my cue to go.
But if they start fighting, I would miss some great entertainment. What I wouldn't pay…
Okay, I take that back. Cody really did just punch him.
And now Adam's fighting back.
This isn't as entertaining as I thought.
"Randy, I hate airplanes," Dom squealed as they boarded the plane.
"Don't worry, baby. You'll be fine," Randy laughed, finding his fiancée's insecurities amusing.
"The wedding could just wait," Randy teased.
"I'll suck it up," Dom flatly said. She wanted this done as soon as possible. The faster they were married, the faster Dom could make sure that Randy was totally and completely off limits to every other whore in the universe.
Even though she claimed to be afraid of flying, and it was just a rouse so that Randy would hold her closer, Dom fell asleep rather quickly on the flight.
A couple of hours later, Randy gently woke her up.
"What do you want?" Dom muttered sleepily.
"Candice, you are a fucking whore!"
Shit, that's Melina. I wonder what the candy coated rhinoceros did this time.
Candice skipped past me. Yes, she skipped. How old is she? Like five? She even felt the need to whip her nasty purple hair around when she passed by. What. A. Loser.
It's a damn good thing that I actually like Melina. Maybe she'll tell me what's up.
Wait, I know that she'll tell me what's going on. We both hate Candice, and most of the time that I spend with Melina is wasted on pleasurably making fun of Candice.
So, right as I was about to go into the locker room, Melina comes storming out of it. Good. Less work that I have to do.
"Hey, Mel, what did psycho do now?" I asked. I was hoping that it would be funny. I could use some laughter right now.
Melina didn't look too amused. Fuck.
"Charlie, maybe you should sit down," she warned me.
"Where the hell am I going to sit down?"
"Against the wall or something."
"I'll stay standing."
"Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you…"
"What did she do?" Damnit, I'm getting antsy now. I want to know!
"Well, she kind of told me something…"
"SPIT IT OUT, MELINA!"
"SHE SAYS SHE LIKES JEFF AND WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO GET HIM!"
Okay, I don't fight very often, but I will if provoked.
And I'm pretty sure that Candice Michelle is trying to provoke me.
Okay, so I thought that girls were supposed to cry when they get proposed to. Aren't they supposed to be happy?
And here I am, thinking that I did something right for once.
I think I should go and visit her at her office. Eh, she'll probably yell at me. She hasn't spoken to me all week.
Oh my god, I just got a brilliant idea.
Yes, John Cena has a brilliant idea.
I'm going to pretend that I tweaked my arm in warm ups. Then she'll have to take a look at it and I can talk to her.
I am so damn smart.
"Brittany, I think I hurt my arm," I said. I even started cradling it for dramatic effect. Hey, I'm an actor, after all.
"Fuck, John! What did you do? Are you okay? Shit!"
Yes! The desired effect was achieved. She's fawning over me like a mother. Nice.
"I fell wrong in warm ups."
"There doesn't seem to be anything wrong…" Uh-oh. "Wait, John…you didn't have warm ups today! You're not wrestling!"
"Well, okay, I lied. But I just wanted to talk to you."
"I can't when you're avoiding me."
"Well I wouldn't have to avoid you if you weren't an incredible moron."
"What did I do that was so horrible? I just asked you to marry me. Jesus Christ, Brittany, excuse me for wanting to spend the rest of my life with you." Uh…I think that was kind of mean. How I said it, not what I said…I think.
"John, you proposed to me while we were walking in a wedding that wasn't ours! How idiotic can you get? You just DON'T propose to someone at another persons wedding. You've done a lot of retarded shit, but this just takes the fucking cake, John!"
"Are you going to give me an answer?" Am I really at fault here? I just asked her a question which she refuses to answer. I want an answer, damnit!
"Not now. Just go away!"
I never win.
I don't want to break this up. It's just so damn entertaining.
But I suppose that I should…I mean, Adam could really hurt Cody.
Eh, I'd probably laugh if that happened.
Okay, it's getting bad now.
"You guys, stop it!"
Nope. Nothing. I tried.
"Cody, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Bob!
Fuckin' Bob…At least he got them to stop fighting. Aw, it was kind of funny. Okay, maybe not.
Adam looks really, really angry. I kind of feel bad now. Cody's like stalking him or something.
"Becky, we're done."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Us. Done. Now."
Okay, but he didn't have to talk like a fucking caveman or anything.
"Whatever." I just shrugged it off and walked away. We were better off as friends anyways.
Cody just doesn't know when to quit, does he?
"Did you two bring a witness?"
What the fuck is this talk about a fucking witness? I didn't know anything about a witness. We came here, paid, and now I just want to fucking marry this jerk before some whore tries to steal him away.
Cough, SAM, cough.
"No, we didn't." Whew, good thing Randy fielded that one. I probably would have had a bitch fit. Well, I throw about seven bitch fits a day, but this one would top it all.
"That's alright. We can provide one for you."
"Thank you very much."
Let's get this shit over with.
I really wish that this jobber of a pastor would hurry the fuck up. Does he not know who this man next to me is? We have gambling to do! Jesus Christ, we aren't in Vegas for nothing. Well, it was the easiest place to get hitched.
"Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
You're damn right you do.
"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"YES!" Ooh, was that a bit over the top? I WANT THIS OVER WITH!
"Then by the power vested in me by the state of Nevada, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."
Wow, this guy really is losing it. It's not time to kiss the bride. It's time to fuck the bride.
"Randy, let's go."
This feud with Jericho sucks. The only thing I want Jericho to save me from is my crappy entrance theme.
Is it so hard to want to find my damn girlfriend after my match? Mother fucker, where did this girl go? Usually, she's like…right there when I'm done for the night.
Hopefully she's not killing anyone.
"Jeffrey Nero Hardy! Where the hell are you?"
"Babe, where the hell are you?" Seriously, I can hear here, but I have no idea where her voice is coming from. It's like…reverberating from everywhere.
Oh, there she is.
"Let's go," she said, grabbing my arm and dragging me off to who knows where. Uh…this might be good for me.
Okay, maybe not.
"CANDICE! COME OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!" she screamed, banging on the door of the Divas locker room.
"Char, what the hell did she do?" She answered my question by shooting me a death glare. Nice.
"Charlie, what can I—Oh, hey, Jeff," Candice smiled. Oh no.
"Step out here, Candice. I'd like a word with you." This could prove to be highly entertaining. I have no idea what's up, but they might end up…
"Sure, Charlie." You know, I always thought that you were supposed to look at the person you were talking to. Then why won't Candice stop staring at me?
"I heard you have a little crush on someone, Candice," Charlie said. Ooh, who? Is Charlie trying to set her up with someone? Please, be Matt! Lord knows he could use a woman right about now.
"Charlie, how did you--"
"Cut it, bitch! Melina told me about your little crush on Jeff." Jeff? Who's Jeff? There is no Jeff back here. Oh shit, me.
I suppose I should defend myself before Charlie cuts my nuts off or something. "Charlie, I had no idea about this and--"
"Shut up, Jeff!" Okay, I tried.
"You can't blame me for having a little crush on Jeff, can you?"
"Yes, I can, actually."
Candice took a step towards Charlie and started getting in her face.
There's about to be a girl fight!
Where the hell is Kennedy with that blasted video camera when you need him?
"John is a fucking fucktard and you should not marry him." Was that too blunt? Oh well. Maybe she'll understand that John is an idiot and doesn't deserve her.
"I know, but I love him." Oh, is that the best she could come up with?
"Love? Fuck love! He's going to end up doing something even more stupid than this and you're going to regret marrying his lazy ass!"
"Danielle…you married Dave. He's like…the shaman of stupidity. His book--"
"That's a minor technicality," I said, waving off that little comment. I got over that a while ago, but it still pisses me off from time to time. What an idiot, really.
"Why are you so obsessed with this? I'm not going to just forget about him for this…"
"Because John Cena is a dumbass. I know I've told you this before. Do you believe me now?"
"Please, I've known that for a long time. I don't need you to reiterate things I already know. I get that enough from John. Jesus Christ, with all the times you repeat yourself, I'm going to start thinking you're married to Kennedy and not Dave."
What the hell?
"Okay, I'm just going to ignore that little snide comment and understand that you're confused. Just don't marry him! At least make him wait it out for a long ass time." Am I being irrational? I just don't want the poor girl to make the biggest mistake of her LIFE by marrying this fool. At least before she's ready, that is.
"Mother fucker, can I just make a fucking decision on my own? Good god, I didn't get like this when you were going to marry Dave."
"That's because Dave is not John. John is an idiot."
"And Dave isn't? He publicly addressed all of his affairs in that shitty little book of his, and he walks around like he's God. And I bet he's even cheating on you."
She knows he's not. I'd kill him. "Brittany, you know I'd personally castrate him if he was. Now just settle down. You're going to bust a vein."
"I don't fucking care. I really don't. I'm out."
Okay, but she better not come crying to me when he decides he wants the wedding on a military base or something retarded like that.
"Cody Garrett Runnels, dad is going to KILL you if he hears about this!"
Who the fuck is that? Some chick is coming up to us, and she's kind of hot.
"Kaitlyn, what the hell are you doing here?" that little jerk asked. Okay, we have a name now, but who is she?
"Cody, who is that?" Becky asked. Good, she's just as confused as I am.
"My older sister, and I have no idea why she's here."
"Who cares why I'm here? And it's a damn good thing that I am here! You can't go around fighting like this! And…holy fuck, you're Edge."
Diversion successful! So she's a fan of the Rated-R Superstar? Nice! No one is anymore. Well, at least not the females.
"Yeah, I'm Edge."
"Uh, Adam, why don't you go and show Kaitlyn around…" Becky suggested. Smart girl.
I probably shouldn't leave the other two alone, but whatever.
"Randy, can we please go back to the hotel?" Jesus Christ, we've been in this fucking casino for a whole hour now, and Randy didn't even win anything yet.
"Baby, we've barely been here for an hour. And we haven't left the damn hotel room for two days!"
"Can we just have some fun here?"
"Are you saying that I'm not fun? Randy, I'm going to cry…" Damn, I'm such a good actress. Start the waterworks.
"Baby, I didn't mean it like that."
"But, Randy…" Haha, I'm brilliant.
"Okay, baby, we can go if you want. I wasn't winning anyways."
Now where's my damn Oscar?
I hear it! I can hear it!
Finally, someone is going to knock the shit out of Candice Michelle. I know I'm supposed to like her because she's from my home state, but she's a whore. No joke. Fuckin' skankbag…
Don't worry. I have the camera. This is going to be a hit on youtube. I've already got 134,432 subscribers. Nice!
Okay, Jeff is one lucky bastard. Fuckin' asshat…
"Jeff, who do you have money on?" I had to know.
Okay, shouldn't Jeff be trying to stop this?
If I was him, I wouldn't want to stop it either.
Shit! Charlie just knocked a tooth out of Candice's mouth! As if she didn't look haggard enough…Good going, Charlie!
"Okay, that's enough!" Aw man, Jeff, you let your conscience get to you. And I thought you were coming to the dark side that is Mr. Kennedy…Kennedy. Nice guys finish last, after all.
He is so going to regret this.
Charlie so won this round. I doubt that Candice will be back for more.
I'm betting I'll have 250,000 subscribers after this little piece of gold hits the net.
I will defeat that Chris Crocker kid. Except I'll be like "LEAVE CANDICE ALONE!"
I love him.
I love him.
I love him.
I love him, right?
Maybe if I keep telling myself this, it will make the whole thing easier.
Not that he's talking to me, anyways. I was rather rude to him.
"John, can we talk?"
"Oh, now you want to talk?"
"I came to give you an answer."
"Okay, so what is it?"
I think this is going to be harder for me to say than it will be for him to hear it. I hate those kinds of things. You know, the whole "this is going to hurt me a lot more than it will hurt you" thing.
"I already know you're going to say no. So just say it already and quit leaving me hanging here, Brit. It's kind of annoying. I know I did something stupid, but come on, I don't deserve this.
"I would love to marry you."
"I knew you would say that, and I'll wait until you're ready. You tell me when you want me to propose again, and I'll make sure I do it right."
"And even though you'll know it's coming, I'll make sure you're completely surprised. Anything you want, you can have."
"John, I just said that I will marry you, you idiot!"
"But I thought…"
"No, you didn't think. But you didn't listen, either."
"But Danielle said--"
"Fuck what Danielle said! I'm the only woman you should be listening to. Well, me and your mother."
"I'll remember that."
"I…um…that was awkward."
Finally, he says something right. "Yeah it was." Cody sister just walked off with Adam. Oh, the irony.
"So where does that leave us."
"But I was thinking…"
"I'm not going to pretend that I don't…ugh, whatever."
I hate awkward silences. They're so…awkward.
Wait, Randy already did that. But I didn't mean it like that. I meant it as an "oh shit" kind of thing.
We already went through this. We don't need to do this again.
Maybe I shouldn't have demanded that we leave the casino. This probably wouldn't have happened then.
I'm supposed to be happy about this kind of thing, right?
I DON'T WANT TO GET FAT!
"Randy, I'm sick."
"What? What's wrong? Did you go to the doctor or something? Are you going to be okay?"
Since when is he acting like my mother?
"Randy, I'm pregnant."
Maybe I shouldn't have told him that. His face like…drained.
"Okay, but there's only two things I can say."
This should be gold.
"One, I will make sure that no one makes us lose this one."
"And two…and this one is a bit…inappropriate."
"Randy, you're talking to the queen of inappropriate."
"Okay…uh…it's nine months of unrestricted sex without having to worry about a damn thing."
Hm…Randy makes a good point.
"Let's get to it, then."
Maria and Mickie just carried Candice away. Good. Charlie was like this close to actually killing her.
Okay, so now to the real reason that I wanted to find Charlie after my match.
Hm, I want this on tape.
"Kennedy, do you have anywhere to go?"
"No, besides uploading this beauty on youtube."
"Can you hold up for like twenty minutes? I want this on tape."
"Sweet, I'll be right back. Charlie, don't go anywhere."
I heard Charlie voice her confusion to Kennedy as I was leaving. Good. All the better for a great youtube video.
Wait, I don't want this on youtube. I'll pay Ken to keep it off. Eh, I'll take him to a Packer game or something.
I quickly ran to the locker room and grabbed what I needed. I sure as hell wasn't taking this out to the ring with me and keeping it in my pocket. With my luck, it would have flown out of my pocket and hit some fat bitch in the front row.
Charlie's looking at me like "what the fuck" right now. Ken's just like…Ken.
"Start rolling, Kennedy."
So I kind of did the gentlemanly thing and bent down on one knee for this. I think Charlie got the hint. She looked a bit shocked. I don't think she thought this was coming so soon.
I aim to surprise.
"Charlie, will you--"
"You're not even going to let me finish the question?"
"No, just put the damn ring on my finger!"
Okay, I'll do what she says.
"JEFF YOU DID NOT!"
Oh, but I did.
It was the one from Tiffany's that she wanted so badly. How do I know? I found a catalogue and she had it circled with little hearts around it.
Aren't I a good husband?
Or I should say…
Aren't I a good fiancé?
A/N: Danielle, this is SO worth two, if not three, updates. Seriously. TWENTY-ONE PAGES!
Okay, now it's over FOREVER, and I mean it this time.