Summary: Pein gets the hiccups, while the rest of the Akatsuki use their own personal remedies to try and cure him. This is what happens on a rainy day when your friend gets the hiccups and you are both equally obsessed with Naruto.
Warnings: As if it wasn't already a given, extreme randomness and OOCness will ensue. Proceed at your own sense of humor (or lack thereof).
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Akatsuki Headquarters 12:45pm
It was Wednesday; it was lunch time; and an Akatsuki meeting needed to take place. Thus, that afternoon, Pein decided to schedule the first (and as he later learned, the last) official Akatsuki luncheon. It was rare that every member brought in his or her own sack lunch, but this was a very special day, and all members had been ordered to do so.
"Today's meeting will be about the capture of the Jinchuriki Uzumaki Naruto," Pein said, taking a sip of his tea and placing the cup down on the table.
"TOBI WANTS TO MAKE A SAND CASTLE!"
Pein ignored the random comment that issued from the masked-man's mouth, and continued to stare across the table at the rest of the Akatsuki. He watched as Kisame took a large bite out of his tuna sandwich and looked on curiously as Itachi stared blankly at something in front of him. Silly near-blind Uchiha.
It's going to be a long day, Pein thought, sighing. "Hiccup!"
All eyes turned to Pein. Tobi sat uncharacteristicly still; Itachi looked up; Kisame held his sandwich to his face, mouth agape; Kakazu, Sasori, and Konan looked up in a daze; Deidara and Hidan smirked; and Zetsu just blinked a golden eye.
"The Kyuubi--hic--is the last Jinchuriki we--hic--need."
"You have the hiccups!" Tobi exclaimed, jumping out of his seat and throwing his arms in the air. "Hooray!"
"Not hooray, stupid," Deidara said. "We have to stop this."
"Hiccup. No," Pein said, swallowing. "I'm fine--hic. Let's just get this--hic--meeting--hic--over with."
Hidan rolled his eyes as he pushed his disgustingly bloody steak away from him. "Argh, that's annoying!" As he inched his way over to Pein, he seemed to pull his scythe from virtually out of nowhere. "I'll fix this. My mom used to do this to me all the time."
"That won't work," Kakazu said, restraining Hidan with his tentacle things. "If you'll come here Pein-sama, I can easily sew up your mouth and--"
"What, are you fucking blind!" Hidan shouted as he struggled against his binds. Although upset on the outside, he smirked inwardly as Itachi flinched at his last comment. "Only stabbing and maiming will fix him!"
All eyes shifted from Hidan and Kakazu to Konan as she looked at Pein who was sitting beside her. She slowly removed the paper flower from her head and placed it in Pein's hand.
"How will this--hic--help?"
"It's useless!" Hidan shouted as Kakazu forced him back into sitting. "Fucking useless!"
"Tobi knows something!" Tobi said, jumping up and down, his hand flying in the air as he waved it back and forth.
"Why don't I use Tsukiyomi?" Itachi offered casually. "72 hours in total oblivian never hurt anyone too badly."
Pein sighed, not really phased by what the others were saying. Why on Earth did I hire these people again? "Hiccup."
"You guys are doing it all wrong," Sasori said as he threw a puppet across the table to land in front of Pein. "Working with my puppets usually makes my hiccups go away."
There was a loud explosion behind Pein. He turned around, meeting Deidara's grinning face. The young terrorist held a birdie-bomb in his face-up palm. The little bird flew above Pein's head and exloded with a large BANG.
"I thought I could scare 'em out of you," Deidara said.
"Scaring him is pointless. He wouldn't be a very good ninja if you could sneak up behind him," Zetsu pointed out. "I could eat him."
There was silence (excluding Pein's hiccups) as everyone stared at the giant plant. Tobi even stopped jumping up and down.
"You're all going about this the wrong way," Kisame said. "The only thing you need to do to get rid of hiccups is drink a glass of water." Pein watched with eager eyes as Kisame took his cup, originally filled with tea, and dumped it out onto the floor. He then brought the cup up to his mouth and vomitted water into it. He handed the cup to Pein, a goofy, pointy-toothed grin on his face.
"That's just...gross," Hidan said.
"Tobi knows! Tobi knows! Tobi knows!"
"What--hic--is it, Tobi?"
"Tobi is a good boy."
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Yay! The end sucks, but yay! Regardless of how it turned out, it was so much fun to write. I blame my friend for getting the hiccups while we were talking about the latest Naruto chapter. Tsk, tsk. Anyway, another random product of our boredom and crazy conversations resulted in "Akatsuki Baby" by Mei-chan4. Read it; it's funny, I promise.
This was...my first actual attempt at humor. It was horrible, I know. When I try to write humor, everything I learned about writing just goes down the drain. And yes, poor Pein's hiccups were never cured. Honestly, though, what can you expect from a group of missing nin murderers? They don't know anything outside of killing people and sucking out Jinchuriki souls. Oi. Review and let me know what you think.