Our Inside Joke
(A.K.A. Yes Sheo, I did write this just to scar you. Just kidding, man. Blame my slash fangirl gene.)
A fanfic by Setsumi-san
Disclaimer: Shanghai Noon belongs to Spyglass Entertainment. I do not, never have, and never will plan to make any money off this fanfic. I'm just basically playing dolls with the characters.
"Ahh! Nothing like kicking up your heels with an ounce of whiskey after a hard day's work, huh Chon?" Roy O'Bannon sighed happily as they sat in Carson City's busiest saloon.
Chon, seemingly lost in thought, or at least in his beer, just nodded. He wasn't in the mood for small talk right now since he had been forced to pay their tab again. All right, so he was actually more exhausted than annoyed with Roy's poverty (even if he did squander most of his money on the cathouses).
"Hey buddy, you mad at me? You've been awfully quiet all evening," Roy said.
"No, partner. You would know it if I was angry with you because I'd whack you harder than I did the time we were stuck in our long johns in that cactus patch," he replied, smiling slightly.
"Hey," Roy protested, "it wasn't my fault that the Falcon Gang liked to lead us on such wild chases so early in the morning."
"Roy, we had been chasing after Mister Chase's prized sow, and it turned out that she was running toward the feed store. You led us in the wrong direction."
O'Bannon grinned sheepishly and chuckled, finally remembering that day. Hey, if they had cleaned up the city so much that escaped pigs were their biggest problem then you had to admit that they pretty damn good lawmen.
"Oh yeah. That was pretty funny though, huh Chon?"
One of the Chinaman's rare Mona Lisa smiles crossed his face. It was odd. Roy never understood why his friend rarely smiled or laughed. Oh sure, he'd chuckle once in a blue moon but he never busted a gut so hard that tears came out of his eyes.
Kinda sad, the blonde thought, Chon would probably be able to get the princess a lot more easily if he'd lighten up once in a while. He doesn't know it, but he's really…well…handsome.
For some odd reason, the blonde felt himself blush. He quickly shook it off and asked, "Hey Chon, how come I never hear you laugh? I mean, really laugh."
"I don't know. I just never found anything that hilarious," the brunette answered.
"You're kidding! Are you telling me that you've never laughed until you couldn't breathe even when you were a kid?" Roy questioned incredulously.
"Well, that settles it. Let's make a bet, partner: I'll try to make you bust a gut before sunset tomorrow, and the loser has to pay the saloon tabs for the rest of the week."
"It's a deal."
At six A.M. the next morning in the sheriff's office Roy realized that he being funny was harder than it looked. For one thing, a person's sense of humor changed with age. He'd been musing over all the possible things that cracked him up in his lifetime, but none of them seemed like things Chon would like. What could possibly get somebody as serious as he to crack up?
I know! Maybe he's a slapstick kind of guy. I mean, he did chuckle when I told him how I dug myself out of the sand, the cowboy thought.
"Hey Chon," O'Bannon said.
His partner put down the reports he'd been filing and responded, "Yes, what is it?"
Splurrrrt!! Before he could say fuzzy wuzzy Chon was squirted with a deluge of warm lemonade from a seltzer bottle. The former guard sputtered, gasped, and gagged. Holy crap was it sticky!
"Roy, what was that for?!" he shouted.
"That's weird. I always laughed when it happened in Saturday morning cartoons," his friend remarked.
"Cartoons haven't even been invented yet!"
"Go with it, Chon. It advances the plot."
"Urgh. Where did you find lemonade anyway? It's not the right growing season."
"Oh, I found some in that big old pot over there by the back entrance."
"Please don't tell me you didn't know that that's where we empty the waste from the jail cells."
"C'mon buddy, I said I was sorry about a hundred times," the gunman whined.
Chon stared straight ahead and angrily bit the inside of his lower lip as they patrolled the street underneath the boiling noon sun. He was still awfully sore about the earlier incident. Roy was a nice guy, but he could also be very immature.
"It wasn't funny," he finally said, "You supposed to make me laugh, not the other way around."
"I know; I know. Look, I really do regret what I did and promise you'll be rolling on the floor before sunset."
"Y'know, I'd try my best to cheer you up even if nothing was at stake. I can't stand to see you unhappy. I don't want to sound all touchy-feely, but you're the most important person in the world to me."
The former imperial guard's heart fluttered a little faster. Although it still wasn't easy for him to say aloud, Roy was the most important person in the world to him too. They were as different as gold and coal yet he was the only person on Earth who truly cared about him aside from his late uncle. Even his baby sister back home didn't know all of his secrets. Inversely, this strange and smooth talking white man had sort of seduced him.
Seduced? Where on earth did that come from? Wang wondered.
Before he could muse over it any longer his stomach growled.
"Why don't we get a bite to eat and rest the horses?" he suggested.
"Good idea," the blue-eyed man replied, "It's about time for a lunch break anyway."
They rode to the general store and dismounted, but when Roy tried to he got his foot caught in the stirrup and started to fall. He flinched in preparation to hit sharp gravel and dust. Yet much to his surprise he sank into Chon's mighty arms. They stared at each other and blushed furiously.
"Chon?" Roy breathed softly.
"Yes?" he murmured.
"There are a whole bunch of fangirls behind us, and it's making me feel reeeally awkward."
"SQUEE!!!" the slash fangirls shrieked gleefully.
Wait; let's try that again.
"Chon?" Roy breathed softly.
"Yes?" he murmured.
"If cookies are baked, then why aren't they called bake-ies?"
Okay, one more attempt!
"Chon?" Roy breathed softly.
"Yes?" he murmured.
"This reminds me of this hilarious joke! A Texan and a Chinese railroad worker walk into a bar and-OW!!" he exclaimed as he dropped him and stormed inside.
The ex-outlaw sighed as the late afternoon shadows began to creep over rooftops. It was hopeless. He had tried everything to make his friend laugh: puns, innuendos, funny songs, and even fart jokes! Yet it seemed Chon was destined to have a mule's sense of humor and he was destined to be their drink ticket for the next week.
Dammit, what am I gonna do? Sunset's almost here and nothing has tickled his funny bone, the frustrated gunman thought.
Suddenly, a flash of insight hit him like a steam engine. It was risky, but if this didn't work on his partner then nothing would! He made his horse gallop at the speed of light over to the general store. He had something very crucial to buy!
Jingle, jingle, jingle! Chon sat at the desk twirling his cell keys in boredom and wondered if he had scared his partner off. He had to admit that he might have acted too impatient with him. Although Roy had made him want to soak his head in a bucket of ice water at least fifteen times today he was just trying to win a bet. Besides, he was naturally easygoing.
He squeezed the key ring a little nervously. If anything had happened to that jackass, he'd…he'd…be there to get him out of it in a heartbeat. Who was he kidding? Despite all of the blonde's faults they were still two peas in a pod. Just then, as if Fate could read his mind, Roy came in the creaky wooden door with something behind his back.
"Did you sneak off of duty to go play cards again?" he asked.
"Nah, I just bought something much more entertaining than cards," he answered.
Wang curiously raised an eyebrow as the cowboy revealed that he had a feather duster behind his back. If Roy said he liked something more then drinking, gambling, or sex then it was worth paying attention to. What was so entertaining about that?
"Close your eyes for a second, Chon," Roy said.
The brunette looked distrustfully at his friend.
"C'mon, I promise I won't borrow change from your coat pocket," he insisted.
"Why would I suspect that?" he asked.
"You wouldn't. I mean it's not like I've been doing that for the last three weeks and owe you fifteen bucks or anything. Anyway, just close your eyes."
He sighed and obeyed. For a moment it was so quiet that it seemed as though he was the only person in the universe. What kind of harebrained notion could have possibly come to Roy involving a feather duster and why?
Then something wispy briefly brushed against his ribs and evoked the strangest jolting sensation. It felt like hair, cotton, or…
Out of nowhere the jolt grew into a lit fuse that was a smile. The thing was dancing across him now and he couldsense that somewonderful alien force was about to explode out of his body.
"Pfft! Mmm," Chon sputtered, trying to hold his breath.
"Oh no you don't," Roy teased.
He couldn't hold it back anymore. A spectacular authentic guffaw erupted out of him and shook the room. Roy drank in the noise and joined in. It was so rewarding to finally hear this. Chon's laughter was as wild as a New Year's Eve party and charming as a diamond necklace. His friend couldn't believe he'd never done it before.
"Roy! Roy! Ahahahahahaa! Please sto-ha, ha, haaaa!!" the Chinaman begged.
The blonde grinned mischievously and kept tickling the cinnamon skinned man until he fell out of his chair. He pinned him down and joyfully watched him thrash with his marble white smile gleaming.
"Say uncle?" O'Bannon asked playfully.
"Bwahahahahahaha! Uncle, uncle, UNCLE!!" Wang screamed.
Roy tossed away the feather duster and they both stayed there panting for a while. It was at times like these that their bond felt ten times tighter than usual. The Asian man looked so…sexy… pinned underneath him. Yes, no more denying the "s" word. Who cared if he wasn't white or female? Chon knew him better than anyone, and he couldn't think of anybody he'd rather pursue a genuine relationship with.
He decided it was now or never, took a deep breath, and kissed his partner quickly on the forehead. Chon instantly froze and stared at Roy with the expression of a stunned deer. Did Roy really just kiss him? He tried to let the sensation sink in, but the head on his shoulders was not the one doing the thinking then. His partner felt his hard and eager cock and smirked flirtatiously.
At least there's no doubt about whether he likes me too, Roy thought.
Chon sat up and murmured, "Roy, I…I don't know what to say."
"You know, I meant it when I said you're the most important person in the world to me, Chon. I know this is a new and shocking experience for us, but I want to get to know you better all the same. I really like you, partner," the gunman said.
"I do too, but how can we do that? People here in Carson City would literally string us up if they knew how we felt."
"Who says they gotta know?"
"Listen. I don't know where this'll take us either, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes even keep it a secret. Besides, we've been in rougher spots than this. Don't think of it as dirty laundry; think of it as our inside joke."
"Yeah. Whenever we have a bad day we can just look at each other and happily know that nobody else knows what a great thing we share."
"Yes… Yes, I like that idea."
They kissed more earnestly and Wang moaned as O'Bannon's right hand cupped his ass. He could still taste a hint of the whiskey the blonde had a few hours ago. Roy's entire being burned passionately. Sheesh, why hadn't he found somebody this fucking mind-blowing sooner?
After they parted Chon smirked and pointed to the window. O'Bannon looked confused, and then groaned when he saw that it was long past sunset. Dammit!
"You know what that means," the brunette said triumphantly.
"Okay, okay, okay. You win, but I have to start paying on our first official outing," he insisted.
Well, here's my first Shanghai Noon fanfic! Love it? Loathe it? Compliments and constructive criticism are appreciated. Flames will be used to roast marshmellows.