Off The Job

What our characters do in the fanfiction waiting room...It's NOT pretty ,guys.

Happy tinkling elevator music played throughout the fanfiction lounge.

The Twilight room was large and white, occasional scratch marks on the walls where many a vampire/werewolf/Mike Newton had tried to scratch their way out.

Emmett was busily passing the time away on a hot pink Game Boy Advance.

"EMMETT, GIVE ME THAT BACK!" Rosalie yelled at him. She lunged for her occasional husband.

He swatted her away and continued frantically hitting buttons, holding it at arm's length away from the crazed vampiress. "No way, Hose...I've just about captured Pikachu...NOOOOOOOOO... Damn you, Charazard and your ugly dragon's face. Damn you to hell!"

Emmett then proceeded to throw the Gameboy against the nearest wall, narrowly missing Edward's head.

This particular vampire was curled in the fetal position, hands wrapped around his knees whilst rocking to and fro. He was throwing strange glances at Carlisle every three seconds. Bella was beside him rubbing circles in his back. "Watch it!" she sneered at Emmett, he-who-murders-people-with-outdated-gaming-systems.

Carlisle was currently trying to dig a tunnel under the couch with a teaspoon.

"Doesn't any one have a shovel?!" he cried, "Help!! Get me out of here!!!" He was shouting at the top of his lungs.

Jasper glanced over the top of his book, The Little Engine Who Could. "What happened?"

Edward pressed his hands to his ears and rocked harder. 'Slash,' Bella mouthed. Eddie whimpered. Jasper cringed.

Rosalie was scolding Emmett for ruining her game. She was just about to capture the elusive golden PsyhDuck with her SuperCalaFragaLiciousExpeAllaDociuos Pokeball.

Jasper's vinyl chair squeaked as he rocked back and forth muttering excitingly, "I think I can. I think I can."

Carlisle was furiously jabbing the floor with his plastic spoon. It broke. He threw it into a pile with countless other broken plastic spoons, before grabbing another. "You'll never beat me!" he shouted at the linoleum.

Other than that, all was peaceful – for the most part.

Alice, Esme, and Mike Newton were playing a game of Egyptian Rat Screw...otherwise known as SlapJack.

Or...Mike Newton was playing till Alice squished his hand into a pulp.

"My cards!" she squealed, scooping up the hot pink Barbie playing cards.

Mike whimpered.

Suddenly, a magical giant hand descended from the ceiling.

Everyone waited with baited breath. Who would be the next FF victim?

The hand was gripping a lime green sheet of paper. It slowly traveled towards Bella. She stood, backing up till she was against the wall, "NO!!" she cried.

Edward was up like a shot, standing in front of her protectively, "You can't have her," he growled at the floating appendage.

The fingers swatted him out of the way and he landed with a thump beside Carlisle. They exchanged mortified glances, and then, like magnets, rebounded to opposite sides of the room.

Angrily, Bella snatched the green sheet of paper.

"Oh, not another suicidal one again!" she grumbled, "if I have to cut myself or jump off a damn cliff, or be otherwise murdered in some violent, grotesque, slinky related way, I'll..."

But she dissapeared with a "pop".

Edward burst into tears, well, waterless tears. "Italy, here I come!"

Jesicca looked over at him strangely, "Why isn't there any water?"

Crap! She didn't know he was a vampire.

Edward turned around and splashed Club Soda on his face. "WAAAAA! Rip me apart and set the pieces ablaze in a purple bonfire!!!"

Jessica turned her face back to her makeup compact, satisfied.

"It'll be all right, Eddie," Esme crooned, "Just go talk to Mary Sue."

Edward maneuvered himself around Jacob, who was sitting on the floor drawing suicidal pictures with crayons. (He had the 64 pack, Edward noted with envy). "Nobody loves me," Jacob muttered.

Mary Sue was sitting on the leather couch beside the fishtank (devoid of fish currently...stupid fanfiction authors forgot to write about food one week). Her legs were together and she sat straight up. She was the spitting image of Bella Swan.

Edward approached, "Hey..." he started.

Mary Sue's lips twisted into an empty smile. "I love hay."

"So, umm, did you have some of that cake?" he asked, gesturing to the half eaten red-velvet on the table.

"I love cake!" was her only reply.

He scratched the back of his neck, ", too. Don't you wanna get up off this couch?"

"I love couch." She patted the leather beside her lovingly.

That moment, Emmett bounded over, "Edward, you are wasting this opportunity...ARMADILLO!"

Mary Sue smiled again, "I love armadillo."

Emmett collapsed in a fit of giggles. "Rosalie with all my heart and soul."

"I love Rosalie with all my heart and soul," Mary repeated.

He laughed some more. Edward rolled his eyes, but grinned all the same.

"and I want to make sweet, sweet.." Emmett started.

"EMMETT!" Rosalie's shout came flying across the room, along with the rest of the red velvet cake. Three delicious layers of Betty Crocker yummness hit him squarely in the side of the face.

A popping sound was heard nearby, and all the room's occupants turned to welcome Bella back.

Mouths dropped. Eyes popped out of their sockets.

Bella's hair was rainbow striped. As in, clowns dreamed of possessing her locks.

She was also crying big crocodile tears. Edward walked over and put his arm around her shoulders.

"Bella, what's wrong? What did the big, mean, scary fan fiction authors do to you?" he asked.

"Jamaica...Elephants...ENDLESS DISNEY SING-ALONGS!" she exclaimed between gasps, "I don't really want to talk about it," Bella told him, turning her face away.

"Come on, Bella, let's go to your happy corner," Edward said reassuringly.

And so they did – relocating themselves to the far-left corner of the room to an abused green loveseat.

"Hey Bella," Edward started, "you wanna make this corner really happy?" he said suggestively.

But Bella – being Bella – replied as follows: "You brought the Snickers?!"

Ed frowned, "Noooooo. Something even better."

She appeared lost in thought, contemplating what he had said, then she gasped, "I know. You brought me peanut M&M's." Hope lit up her face.

Edward cocked his head to the side.

Bella smiled teasingly, "Just kiss me, you fool."

They began a passionate make-out session. At once, everyone removed his or her outer layers of clothing. This would last for a while, and in a room with no ventilation, it would get hot quickly.

"Hey guys," Alice told everyone, "You'll never believe who's in the next room."

Somehow, she had managed to bore a hole through the steel-plated wall.

Jasper put down his book. Esme stopped her work on the Sudoku puzzles. Everyone looked at Alice expectantly.

She brimmed with excitement, "HARRY POTTAHH!" she exclaimed in her best British accent.

"Harry Pottah?" In a strange British chorus, everyone echoed her in question.

Alice nodded.

A stampede ensued. Everyone rushed to get a peek at the hole.

"RON? RON IS THAT YOU? MARRY ME RONALD! MARRY ME!!!!" Jessica shouted above the hubbub...and, disturbingly, so did Mike Newton.

Edward sighed, finally removing his lips from Bella's. "I smell a crossover," he said.

Jasper turned towards him, "Edward, get over here...there's this kid who looks just like you!"

With a huff, Edward rose and approached the chaos. Bella followed.

He took one peek through the hole in the wall before stumbling backwards.

"Who the bloody hell are you?" an Edwardish, though English, voice sounded from the Harry Potter side.

"Edward," said Edward, "Who are you?"

"Cedric Diggory," the voice said, "At last, I have found my long lost brother!"

A/N: My other story was just getting entirely too intese. I needed to release my ridiculous humor SOMEHOW. R&R