Authoress' Notes: Wow, how incredibly awkward. Apparently, I've been playing "SSBB" so much, it killed my Wii! The thing just won't turn on anymore! I sent it in for repairs, but I've no idea when it'll be back, so I'm writing this stupid thing to let off some steam, lol. It really does help. And forget what I said earlier about not writing any more "SSBB" stuff; I may dabble here and there...
WARNING: This story is absolute nonsense. There is barely a plot and there might be some OOCness, but it's just for laughs. I still think it's pretty funny. At least it's original.
OMG Disclaimer: I don't own any of The Evil People From Nintendo's characters or titles that appear in this fan fiction. I only claim possession of the plot and story overall. Their games get them nearly 150 dollars from me annually, so what more could they possibly want?! D:
What Goes On
Chapter 1: Schlemiel Bites the Dust
One fine day in the Land of Smash, which must exist somewhere on this crazy planet, there was a place, but not just any place, THE place. What's "THE place", you ask? Why, it's Smash Mansion, where all the Smashers live! Duh! It's kinda like college, but less evil and crazier. And what was going on in Smash Mansion? Err, pretty much everything that goes on college, minus the homework...
In the main room, a blue-haired swordsman sat huddled over something in deep concentration. Was it his sword? A dead body? ...Himself? No! It was a GameCube controller! He was currently sitting on the floor, several Smashers behind him on the couch. It'd been nearly 2 hours since he started trying to build a stage using the newly-installed Stage Builder mode, and it was beginning to get a little annoying waiting for a turn...
"Marth, what're you doing?" nagged Kirby. "You can't just make the entire stage full of floating mushrooms!" He narrowed his eyes. "...Is that what you've been on lately?"
"Shut up, Kirby!" He smacked him with the controller. "I can do whatever I want! It's my turn, and it's my stage, so just butt out!"
"But you've got to accessorize! I mean, I sure wouldn't wanna fight on this... monstrosity."
"Your face is a monstrosity!"
"Ooh, burned!" laughed Ness, who'd been in the background until just now. "Burned, burned, burned! Did I mention you got burned?!"
The Star Warrior threw a pillow at him. "Screw you, Ness! Your game stinks!"
The psychic lowered his head. "Okay, see, the point of that slogan is that it's only funny if you don't mean it..."
"...Why am I in here again?" groaned a sleepy Lucas. "I'm so tired; I just wanna go to sleep..."
"But it's not even noon..." reminded Nana.
"..." Lucas obviously didn't care, gradually dozing off, occasionally drooling.
Popo scooted away. "Ew."
("C'mon, c'mon!") On the couch, Pikachu kicked Marth from behind. ("When're you gonna be done with this thing?! We wanna play!")
"Egging me on like that won't make me go any faster," scoffed Marth.
The rodent smirked, his cheeks sparkling. ("Yes, and I bet you'd be real pissed if the lights went out right about now, huh?")
"Do it, and you'll be shish kabob in time for lunch."
Pikachu shook his head in confusion. ("I'm not even sure I know what that is...")
"Ooh, burned again!" shouted Ness, loud enough to wake the amazing, drooling wonder known as Lucas. No sooner than he awakened, he went right back to dreamland, and I don't mean Kirby's place.
"Okay, you know what?" growled the now-irate swordsman. "I'll do this later! You guys are giving me a headache!"
"Fine!" huffed Kirby. "Just get your pretty boy butt outta the way! I'm getting a hernia back here!"
Growling, Marth scrambled to save the mostly-empty, slightly mushroomy, high-in-the-sky stage known as "Awesome Place". Upon its completion, he angrily stood over those on the couch.
"I hope you're happy that you've ruined my concentration and shattered my creativity, you cretins!"
"Hey, save the Latin lingo for those who care," snapped Ness. "We've heard enough of that song in the waiting room."
Pikachu began numbering on his fingers. ("...And the Battlefield, and the Final Destination, the Stage Builder, and the Trophy Room...")
"FINE!" And in a fit, Marth thrust the controller toward the snotty kid, only to forget the cord was still attached to the Wii on a small cabinet, and as it pulled, the entire thing promptly fell with a dead, yet violent, thump to the floor. Everyone watched as the screen went blank, as did their expressions.
"AH! SCHLEMIEL!" wailed Kirby, running to the Wii's aid. "Schlemiel! Talk to me! Are you okay?!"
Schlemiel was obviously not okay, as he simply sat there on his side, the little Power button off. The TV was still blank.
("Somebody call an ambulance!") screamed Pikachu.
Lucas snapped awake again. "I didn't start the fire! It was always burning since the world's been turning!"
"Quick!" shouted Popo. "Do CPR!"
"What's that?!" asked the pink thing.
"I don't know!"
"Wonderful!" he sarcastically remarked.
"Move it!" Ness shoved Kirby out of the way and frantically began to fiddle with Schlemiel, unplugging and plugging things while trying to turn him back on. But to no avail; it was plain to see Schlemiel was no longer with them.
Tears running down his reddened cheeks, he whimpered, "...H-he's... dead..."
Marth was aghast. "W-what?!"
Lucas fell to his knees, which was pretty hard to do, since he was still sitting on the couch. "No... It can't be..."
("Check his pulse!") demanded Pikachu.
"There is none... He's... gone..."
Nana threw her head back. "Why do the good always die young?! WHY?! WHYYYYYYYYY?!"
("...What're we gonna do now?") asked Pikachu, his ears lowered. ("We can't tell the others about this, or we're screwed.")
Ness shrugged. "We gotta give this guy a proper burial..."
"Yeah,"Kirby picked up their dead companion, "it's the least we can do."
"He was a real good guy..." Marth nodded. "He will not be forgotten."
Ness scowled. "Yeah, especially since you killed him!"
"SILENCE!" Then, something really violent happened. Nobody knew what it was, but it happened. And to Ness, no doubt. "If you hadn't been haggling me like that, none of this would've happened in the first place!"
"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" suddenly barked Lucas, kicking Marth in the head, sending him straight out the window. "YOU'VE RUINED MY INNOCENCE, DAMN YOU!"
"..." Ness made a face. "Uh, way to go?"
"Has he ever done anything like that before?" asked Nana to Popo, who just shook his head. "Huh, guess it's progress."
("...Anyway, we don't have a graveyard!") said Pikachu. ("I mean, why would we? What're we gonna do about that?")
Ness nodded. "Then we'll have to make one."
Nana sweatdropped. "You can't be serious..."
About an hour later...
"And today, we come to pay our respects to Schlemiel," said Ness, standing over half-buried shoebox in the backyard. "He was always so bright and pure... so trusting and reliable... and very inanimate."
Kirby started bawling his eyes out. "What a great guy! He died going what he did best! Rock on, Schlemiel, rock on!"
Pikachu socked him in the nose... or whatever. ("Shut up! You're being disrespectful!")
"And now, put the flowers on Schlemiel's resting place."
Lucas held out some dead flowers and weeds. "I'm sorry. This was the best I could do on such short notice..."
Popo raised his hand. "And I couldn't find any flowers, so can I just pee on the grave?"
Nana scowled. "Ew, no! That's sick!"
"Aw, but I really gotta go..."
"MIDGET!" randomly shouted Red, who just happened to pass by on a jog with Squirtle.
"WTF?! I'm not a midget!" Lucas tugged on Ness in horror. "Ness, tell him! Tell him I'm not a midget! You know I'm not, right?"
"He's not a midget..." droned the black-haired weirdo with no shine in his eyes. "Now, can we please just ignore the obnoxious jerk and get back to the funeral?"
"See?!" shouted Lucas back. "Ness said I'm not a midget, so THERE!"
The trainer approached. "Dude, you're like, 3 feet tall. How old are you? Five?"
"HAH! I'm only 10, and I'm way taller than you and Ness!"
"B-b-b-but...!" Lucas began to sniffle. "Y-you're not being very nice...!"
"And what's wrong with your eyes?" Red pointed at Ness, scowling. "Seriously, man, you need to get those checked."
"MY EYES CAN STARE INTO YOUR SOUL!" snarled the psychic, in hopes of scaring him off.
"ACK, NO!" Red grabbed Squirtle and ran away, slamming into Snake, who made that weird shocked/exclamation mark noise and flew away on a conveniently-placed chopper.
Popo looked worriedly at Ness. "...You don't really mean that, do you?"
"YES, HE WAS GETTING ON MY NERVES!"
"...You can stop talking like that any time..."
"The funeral's over now!" shouted Nana, finished burying Schlemiel. "It's all over but the crying..."
"Does that mean we can't play mah-jongg?" asked Kirby, sad he couldn't whup their butts.
Ness clenched his fist. "It means we hafta help bring Schlemiel back from the dead! It's the only way to keep from getting in trouble with the others!"
"But how?" asked Popo. "You saw what Marth did to him; he's as dead as dead as dead as dead as dead can be."
"Perhaps! But we must strive, my friends, strive for a better Schlemiel and more tacos for Lucas, because he really loves kosher chalupas."
He sighed and grabbed Lucas. "Uh, just follow me..."
Later that night, at the cheaply-made graveyard...
"Okay," Ness clapped his hands together. "If we're gonna make this work, we're gonna make it work right. You guys gotta do exactly what I say and nothing less. Do you hear me?"
Popo snorted with laughter. "What if we do more?"
"Say something stupid like that again, and I will kill you."
Popo twitched. "..."
"All right, fine, but I still think we should at least wait until morning," sighed Nana.
"Morning's for suckers and meatbags; we don't need no stinkin' daylight!"
Pikachu shrugged. ("What about midday?")
"Don't make me cut you."
The mouse twitched. "..."
Picking up two handfuls of dirt, Kirby threw them at Lucas, who started crying uncontrollably as Ness read from an upside-down phone book.
"By the power that exists in pizzas and unwashed laundry, I beg of you to bring our back beloved Schlemiel so that we won't be bored when not fighting or the Coin Launcher breaks, 'cause that's really a lotta fun!"
Nana sweatdropped, rhythmically banging her hammer on the ground. "How did I get roped into this...?"
"We ask you to please reconsider and don't be a douche like that one guy who did the thing with all the people in that place! You know what I'm talkin' about!"
"Good, 'cause I sure don't," responded Popo, as he danced to Caramelldansen, despite the song not actually playing.
"Pretty please, with sugar and ice cream and maybe a boombox on top, since those are really outdated!"
A bolt of lightning seemed to answer Ness as it shot from a random cloud and just missed Schlemiel's grave, hitting Lucas instead. A nearby Popo was shocked to say the least, and not by the lightning.
"Holy crap, man! Are you okay?!"
Kirby smacked him. "...Does it look like he's okay?!"
"Well, he never was quite right in the head, so..."
"HaPpY pLaCe..." droned Lucas, now rocking back and forth in the fetal position, "ThInK oF yOuR hApPy PlAcE...!"
Pikachu sweatdropped. ("Lucas, what is wrong with you?")
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" he screeched, running away and screaming something about banana pudding.
"I can safely say without a doubt that this ritual was a big failure!" growled Ness, kicking the ground. "We don't have enough material, obviously..."
"Ness, we didn't even do anything remotely related to a ritual! You just made up a bunch of nonsense and Lucas got struck by lightning! What are we doing?!"
He scowled. "See? That's the kind of negative attitude that's bringing us down."
She sighed. "I can't believe I still hang out with you."
"I can't believe Schlemiel's gone..." sighed Kirby.
("I can't believe Marth killed him!") growled Pikachu.
"I can't believe it's not butter!" gasped Popo, getting a Home Run Bat to the head from Ness.
"I WARNED YOU, POPO! I... WARNED... YOOOOOOOOOU!"
Authoress' Notes: Believe it or not, my cousin and I actually came up with the whole "Lucas being possessed" thing as a joke in something that had nothing to do with this.