Lust and Avarice

By: CrystallicSky

Disclaimer: I don't own Dave the Barbarian or any related media, nor do I make any profit whatsoever from writing this, but I do have several episodes of it recorded, which are often watched and sung along to, when applicable, in my room. XD

Warning(s): If you've ever read any of my stories, you'll know the general warnings, but I'll restate them anyway for the new people; malexmale relationships, cursing, and as a new one, manipulation of human beings to reach a desired end(which in this case is also a human being).

Notes: Um…I'm screwed up in the head. That on its own could suffice as a warning, but for your sake I'll go a little further into depth; my mind can be a disturbing place where disturbing things come from that no one else could possibly think of on their own. This is just one example of such. You may read on now, and then afterwards, feel free to post an outraged/freaked out review; I fully deserve it for this, I'm sure.

Galder always got what he wanted.

Since a young age, he had been greedy, and the years from his childhood to adolescence had done nothing to change him. He was a young, attractive man, and if his looks failed to acquire what he wanted, his clever mind wouldn't fail to procure it.

He was the envy of every man, girls falling all over him with a single toss of his curly, strawberry blonde hair and a wink of chocolate eyes, and were he anyone else, he would be more than satisfied with his lot.

But he wasn't anyone else; he was Galder the Hot, Galder the Witty, but most of all, Galder the Avaricious.

Something, or rather, someone had caught his eye. Normally, this would be of no consequence; he would just seduce the unsuspecting victim into his bed and be done with it.

However, this time, that was not the case.

The newfound object of his affections, he could tell, would not be so easily wooed as the average Udrogothian slut, and if he tried to be upfront about it, he would most likely be shunned by the emotionally-shy creature.

Galder did not handle rejection well, or at all, for that matter, and he wasn't one to be so easily defeated either. So what else could he do to achieve his desire but formulate a convoluted and intricate plan to get what he wanted?

It wasn't that hard, really: he spotted the girl in the market place sometime in the afternoon, and within the space of a second, his next actions came to him.

Out of the corner of his eye, he caught the red-headed girl staring at him longingly, and it wasn't long after that he heard her call his name.

"Hi, Galder!" she was practically begging for his attention, and her body language all but screamed it.

Such a simple action as turning away from her, as if trying to ignore her on purpose, really could cause the biggest reactions.

The girl's jaw dropped open, and he faintly heard her cry to her younger sister, "Did he snub me?! How could he snub me?!"

Things got even more perfect as the younger of the girls gasped in surprise. "Holy donkey bladders! It's Bicepia the warrior woman!"

No one saw it, but Galder's chocolate eyes flashed a sinister expression before he made his way into the circle of admirers around the muscular, blonde woman and clasped his hands together, sighing in a love-struck manner.

If this didn't get Princess Candy's full attention on him, then nothing would.

As predicted, the young woman was immediately jealous. "The boys are going nuts over her!" she whined to her cave girl-like sister. "What's she got that I haven't got?" The question was immediately self-answered as she compared her scrawny arms to Bicepia's muscle-bound ones.

As the princess and her younger sister left the marketplace, Candy depressed and Fang having purchased a Bicepia tapestry and getting it signed, of course, Galder simply stepped out of the circle of people and casually leaned against a nearby building.

It wouldn't be long now…

Candy had taken the mild rejection harder than expected; her uncle, a sorcerer, had given her magic broccoli that appeared to double her physical size (and halve her brain power) with each consumption. After she had scared away Bicepia with a demonstration of her strength (that poor ox may never leave the stable again), Galder had decided that while it wasn't quite what he had been expecting, he could still work with it.

"The Can?" he asked the girl using the new name she had given herself (though she no longer looked anything like a girl at this point), making sure to turn on his charm.

"What hottie-boy want?" Oh, yes, she certainly had lowered her IQ with that magic broccoli. Ah, well, no matter; he could care less about Candy so long as he came out on top in the end.

"I was wondering if you'd like to go on a date; maybe a picnic?" Pft, yeah, right! But whatever got him closer to his goal…

The ape-like female gasped, excited, as she snatched Galder up in a rib-cracking hug. "Yes, yes, The Can love picnic date!"

Coughing slightly as he was let out of the vice-like grip, he nonetheless smiled, flashing his pearly whites at her. "Tomorrow afternoon, then, The Can." A wink for good measure, and he was out of sight, laughing hysterically in his head as the girl believed him; if only she knew…

The next day, Galder felt himself scoff as gossip reached him about The Can, formerly known as Princess Candy; apparently, she had been stupider than he had thought, and had ended up eating so much of the magical broccoli that she had surpassed the size of even the tallest of towers.

Regardless, this gave Galder an opportunity to finally get closer to the object of his affections, and he immediately went to seek out Candy's concerned family, claiming that he was sympathetic to their troubles; in reality, he didn't give one whit about her, but the way that a certain pair of green eyes had sparkled, touched by the gesture, had been more than worth the trip to the castle.


When the magical uncle, Oswidge was his name, had asked him to come along while they tried to convince Candy to stop her rampage over the countryside, during which, she had been wrestling assorted large objects, he had easily agreed, barely able to force down a diabolical laugh as he was swept into a gracious hug by his brunette; this was too easy!

When they had finally found The Can, she was wrestling a large stone tower, quite proud of herself that she was winning against an inanimate object.

Galder was highly tempted to just sneer at the mountain of a girl and her sheer idiocy, but that wouldn't be taken well by the middle child of the royal family, and he refused to destroy his chances now after coming so far; besides, if his memory of the adoption of a diseased weasel served correctly, the green-eyed barbarian had a soft-spot for helpless things…

"Try to calm her down!" Fang, the youngest of the family, Candy's little sister, pleaded, "She likes you best!"

His acting skills went to good use as he forced himself to quiver as if terrified. "That's what I'm afraid of!" he squeaked, internally grinning like a madman when he saw those green eyes he was so enamored of instantly cloud with concern; not for Candy, but for him

"Hottie-boy teeny tiny!" The Can had exclaimed upon seeing him, and reached out her enormous hand, the finger of which he pressed both of his hands to, attempting to avoid being picked up.

Deciding that his act had worked to his satisfaction, Galder kept it up. "Ah, hey, The…Can…" he stuttered out, appearing frightened out of his wits, "Remember we made a picnic date? I just wanted to cancel that…" Not a single member of the family called him shallow; if Candy hadn't been their sister (or for Fang, both her sister and another girl) they would cancel the picnic date, too.

"Why hottie-boy do this?" The Can demanded, looking as dismayed as her sub-human face would allow.

Galder could have come up with a million excuses; he was quite the excellent liar, if he did say so himself. But what would make it obvious to the severely less-intelligent Candy that he had no interest in her wasmost important,along withsaying it in a way that didn't come off as cruel or callous. "Because the…the sun broke."

The quick moment of appearing foolish was worth the chiming giggle, though suppressed, he had rendered from his interest.

The Can, however, did not find it amusing as she made a quick glance at the sun to assure herself that this was indeed a lie, and she growled, looking angry for a moment before reacting as any teenaged girl does to rejection: bursting into tears.

Galder's work was done here; Candy knew that a date of any kind between them was not happening, and his brunette thought of him in a positive light. It was obvious by looking that though empathy was felt for the sister, this was for the best; Candy couldn't live the rest of her life as a brainless, muscle-bound giant, and getting dumped by who she thought to be her boyfriend seemed to be the only way she would desire to return to normal.

The blonde had no qualms about simply leaving the family to handle the overgrown girl on their own. After all, the royal family seemed prone to these sorts of oddities, and there was no doubt that they would get through with this one before nightfall.

It quickly turned out that his suspicion had been correct, and that night found Candy back to her old self (thanks to the Master of Evolution).

Galder himself, though, still had something to attend to…

He did a quick, mental inventory of the castle: Fang had fallen asleep, playing with her secret doll collection, Oswidge having done the same with his dolls as well. Candy, in an attempt to cheer herself up from being dumped, had gone to the salon and gotten an all-out makeover, and was so exhausted after coming home and putting all of her new clothes away that she had collapsed onto her bed. Faffy, the miniature dragon, was passed out in his litter box, from the odor if the fumes rising from the box were any indication, and Lula, the enchanted and talking sword, had had a minor argument with her owner and had refused to sleep in his room, bunking instead, with Candy. And Dave…

His knuckles rapped sharply on the wooden door, and he then waited for the response that was bound to come.

Sure enough, Galder's keen ears quickly caught the slight sounds of movement behind the door followed by a muffled yawn before the large slab of wood creaked open.

The blonde resisted the urge to tackle his Dave right then and there, looking even more charming than ever wearing nothing but a pale blue pair of sleep-pants, his normally wild brown hair tousled even further by sleep and lack of his trademark red bandana, and Galder nearly lost the little control he had upon meeting those gentle, green eyes that practically screamed how truly harmless the well-muscled young man was.

"Mmh, Galder?" the barbarian prince questioned softly. "What are you doing here?"

The smaller male only gave a sharp grin before stepping forward, delighting in the startled, high-pitched squeak he received as Dave backed away, now fully-awake; it really was ironic that such a strong, intimidating male was really just an easily-frightened, effeminate gentle giant.

"Galder?" he asked again cautiously, edging away even further as the blonde entered his room and shut and locked the door. "Wh-what are you do-"

"Shush, David," the chocolate-eyed male interrupted, emphasizing the prince's full name in a husky whisper before pressing his palms against that broad chest, shoving the younger male onto his own bed, then climbing on top of him to straddle his hips, "just relax."

Had Dave been in a better sense of mind, he would have used his physical advantage over the other to demand an explanation (although the term wouldn't be 'demand' so much as 'politely request' knowing him), but as it was, he seemed utterly frozen.

He was aware that in most cases, lying on your back underneath anything that seemed to want something from you was a bad thing, especially if said thing had the kind of look in their eyes that Galder did now, but…

Something told him that this was okay.

Besides, all those other times had been with weird beasts, silly piggies, or whatever that week's monstrosity happened to be; even without Lula, he could probably take on Galder easily if things went in a direction he didn't like.

A shade of lust overtook Galder as he realized that Dave wasn't even trying to fight him off, and he decided it best to make his intentions known, forcefully pressing his mouth against the prince's and deftly slipping his tongue into the kiss.

Needless to say, Dave was at a loss.

Sure, he knew what a kiss was, must have seen at least a million people doing it in public, but no one had ever kissed him before!

No, the barbarian prince always ended up driving any potential lovers away without even meaning to in one way or another; if somebody managed to get past his intimidating size, they'd soon decide he had too many quirks and oddities to be considered "dateable".

And now, some guy (who just so happened to be Galder, very likely the hottest boy in all of Udrogoth) was kissing him, not because he had to or anything, but…but because he apparently wanted to.

The very thought was enough to force caution out the door, and Dave relaxed, curling his strong arms around the smaller body on top of his and a small moan escaped his throat as Galder's tongue caressed the underside of his.

The blonde growled triumphantly, roughly carding a hand through the prince's hair and tilting his head back further as he easily dominated the brunette's mouth. This was easier than he had thought it would be; Galder chalked it up to his Dave's lack of experience in this field and the fact that the majority of people (or things) that got this physically close to him tried to hurt him, and feeling the opposite of pain was a totally new sensation.

Breaking away due to the need to breathe, Galder shivered upon seeing Dave's emerald eyes, hazy with something not quite yet lust, staring back up at him. "Galder…"

"Yes, David?" Had the prince then asked him to scale the tallest mountain in the world, pluck the moon from the sky, and then bring it back to him, he'd have done so without a second thought.

As it was, it seemed the brunette had become suddenly aware of their positions, and merely blushed endearingly, stuttering, "U-um, Galder…a-are you…are you going to…"

"Fuck you?"

Squeaking in embarrassment at hearing it put so bluntly, Dave flushed even brighter, avoiding eye-contact as he nodded jerkily.

Slipping a playful and condescending tone into his voice and allowing his hand to move just a bit lower on the bigger male's torso, the blonde stated, "Well, yes, that is where I was trying to go with this."

"…why me?" Dave squeaked in an unimpressing tone of voice, the kind that timidly requested your attention whenever you could spare a minute.

"Why not you?" Galder shot right back. "You're powerful, attractive, of high social standing; last time I checked, those were some of the top three qualities of appeal in looking for a partner."

"No, I mean…" Dave hated that the eloquence he had when reciting poetry always chose to flee from him in moments like this, when he really needed it. "Why not Candy? She's pretty, she knows martial arts, and she has even higher social standing than me."

Galder scoffed guiding the large hand on his hip up just under the hem of his violet tunic. "You honestly don't see the problem with her? She's bossy, superficial, and egotistical; you should know, since you live with her."

Dave sighed, knowing this to be totally true, but still not believing his point to have been made. "No, I mean…what I'm saying is…why not a girl?"

"A girl?" The blonde deadpanned, fixing the prince with a solemn stare. "Dave, let's face facts: there's only one thing separating you from being a girl." And then he proceeded to prove it, lightly grinding his hips against the brunette beneath him, causing Dave to give a startled gasp that became a low moan, in addition to…calling particular attention to said 'thing'.

"So," the younger panted quietly, "you want me?"

Chocolate eyes burned as if on fire, and Galder whispered in a near-hiss, "More than anything I've ever wanted before…"

Dave swallowed hard, trying to gather his nerve, before divesting the blonde on top of him of his tunic and kissing him full on the lips.

Pleased with the actions, Galder made an appreciative noise into the kiss and shoved the prince back onto the bed, draping his body over the other's as he snaked a hand further down to attend to 'the one thing' that made this act homosexual.


Galder smirked devilishly, propped up on one elbow with his other hand running up and down the firm, rigidly defined muscle of his lover's lower belly. "Well?"

In between his breathless pants, Dave looked over at the blonde with an emotion somewhere in the middle of adoration and love, pulling him closer with an anaconda-sized bicep. "Wow."


"Where are the nut logs?!"

"Aw, come on Candy, you want to go smash monsters with me, right? There's probably some ancient temple or something full of 'em! And it's probably got treasure in it so you can go….ugh, shopping."

"As tempting as that is, Fang, I totally don't have time for that right now! All this stupid princess-stuff is killing my social life! How am I supposed to stay popular if I can't even get another boyfriend to prove I'm totally over Galder, huh? Maybe Pank Scroggle…he's so dreamy!"

"Um…guys?" Dave timidly interjected into the daily noise of the palace dining room, feet shuffling nervously and his fingers twiddling apprehensively.

Needless to say, his confidence wasn't boosted by the loud and demanding, "What?!" echoed by every family member present (all except Faffy, that is, who was still passed out in his litter box).

The prince made a high-pitched sound before trying to speak again. "I…I have something I need to tell you guys."

"Well, go on, then, Dave, we haven't got all day!" the ever-brash Fang exclaimed, tapping her foot impatiently.

"Yeah, just tell us about your new macramé owl or whatever so we can get back to our lives." said the self-centered Princess Candy.

"Hey, now, wait a minute!" Uncle Oswidge interrupted, hands raised. "I'm sure Dave's got something really important to say…like where he put the nut logs!"

Far more comfortable with helping his family in trivial matters, Dave instinctively muttered, "In the pantry, third shelf, on the right.", causing his uncle to dash off and return with a whole box of his beloved treats, already about half-way through it, crumbs flying through the air and clinging to his scraggly beard. " 'o 'n Dave, shay what you wash gonna shay."

Taking a deep breath and steeling his nerves, he began as vaguely as he possibly could. "I'm…seeing somebody."

"Seeing somebody?" Fang echoed in disbelief before a proud grin broke out on her freckled face and she jumped up onto her older brother's shoulder, hugging his head. "Wow, my brother has a girlfriend! It's about time! She's not ugly, is she?"

Candy, though probably not really interested, at least put on a show, smiling, "Hey, congrats, Dave; what's her name? When do we get to meet her?"

The barbarian prince became ever more sheepish, trying to avoid the questions by shifting awkwardly, but knowing they had to be answered, and so hesitantly spoke, "Uh, well, you see, that's the thing: it's…not a girl…and you already know him."

His lover, having been waiting for his cue, entered the dining room to stand confidently next to the larger male, one hand interlocked with the brunette's and the other reassuringly on his arm.

"Galder?!" Candy screeched in horror. "Galder, how could you do this to me?! Do you know how this will look?! No, wait, forget Galder, how could you do this to me, Dave?! You know very well how hard it is already for me to stay popular with all this stuff I have to do as a princess, and now my brother likes boys and is dating my ex?! Come on!"

Fang leapt off of her brother's shoulder and shoved Candy aside, crossing her arms over her chest. "Ok, now I've got a reputation to uphold, so I'm only gonna say this once: I'm proud of ya' big guy. You've finally snagged a good-lookin' guy who puts up with you, so as a word of advice, if he tries to leave ya', break his legs. And you!" she gestured to Galder, "If you make him cry, you will be in a world of hurt!"

The blonde grinned. "I'll try, but you know how sensitive he is; he cried over a cupcake before, if you'll remember."

The girl's head tilted, her high ponytail bobbing as she did so before she turned back to her elder sibling. "I like this one; way better than that Irmoplotz psycho. Keep him around."

Dave blushed a bit, nodding, "Sure thing…"

The red-headed tween turned to leave the dining room, but then looked back at the couple and shook her head. "I should have totally seen this coming; it was so obvious…" After which she took her leave.

Oswidge, who had yet to say anything, glared suspiciously at Galder for a long drawn-out moment before asking, "You like nut logs?"


"Good, you won't take any of mine, then! He's okay by me; he can stay."

Dave's green eyes lit up in excitement, and he snatched up Galder from the ground, crushing him in a hug. "Yes! Isn't this great, Galder? They're okay with it! Well, except for Candy, but she's always whiny. Still, though!" The enthused prince could no longer form coherent words, and instead made a 'squee'-ish noise, kissing his beloved joyfully.

Galder smirked into the kiss, allowing his brown eyes to slide closed as he tangled his fingers in his lover's hair of the same shade.

Galder always got what he wanted.

A/N: Ok, so…yeah…I know, I'm a horrible person, there's something wrong with me, how could I pollute an innocent children's television show?, etc, etc, etc.

I'll tell you what's wrong with me though: if you've ever read any of my other stories, you'd know my ultimate OTP is chack, the pairing of Chase Young and Jack Spicer as a romantic couple; if you haven't read any of my other stories, now you know that little tidbit.

It is always in my head; whenever I have a spare moment of thought not focused on something important, I'm thinking about it.

So, naturally, when I'm watching one of my favorite shows, Dave the Barbarian, (which I love because it's random, pointless, and it breaks the fourth wall like crazy and besides that, includes Danny Cooksey as the voice of Dave, whose talents I enjoy because of his work as a certain Jack Spicer) and I notice that a reasonably attractive guy in the show(Galder the Hot) just so happens to be voiced by Jason Marsden (who, among, like, a million other things, voiced Chase Young), something like this springs into my sick little head.

I apologize formally for any I have offended with this piece of writing, but if any contend that I am the sickest person out there, allow me to point out that even things like Pinky and the Brain, Spongebob Squarepants, and CatDog have slash written for them, and the reason is because there are others like me out there who write these things because, watching children's shows, we can't help but see blatant hints for things that won't leave us alone until we write it.

That said, if you are not one of the ones offended by this, thank you for reading, and I hope you liked it!


Oh, and if you notice any episode inconsistencies...pretend they're not there. XD